The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional

by Timothy Keller

  November 11

  [Kathy writes:] In some ways Tim is under–gender typed (such as in his desire not to offend others). But in other ways he’s quite frustratingly masculine. . . . I will think, “How can an adult be that out of touch with his feelings?” He tends to look outward; he doesn’t look inside his own feelings very well. Over the years, I have needed to respectfully teach him. (Hardcover, p. 189; paperback, p. 214)

  THE STRENGTH OF “HELP.” When Lydia persuaded Paul to use her home as his church planting base in Philippi (Acts 16:15) and when Priscilla and Aquila showed Apollos a better way (Acts 18:26), we see women being the ’ezer. See what a strong thing it is! Lydia changed the mind of an apostle! In sports there is such a thing as a “player coach,” which is someone who plays but also coaches the other players. Be that for one another—sometimes even in the middle of a fight, calling a time out and saying, “Here, let me tell you how you can win me over to your point of view.” Or “Let me help you see why I am getting so angry.” Then, back to the field!

  Reflection: To “help” is not merely to assist in something but to question the whole enterprise, to show a better way. Married people, what do you wish you could tell your spouse about your relationship? With prayer, do so.

  Thought for prayer: Thank God for this highly nuanced, biblical understanding of how husband and wife can strongly guide, critique, and affirm each other, all within the framework of loving leadership and submission.

  November 12

  Submission to God’s pattern in marriage gets you more in touch with . . . your primary maleness or femaleness, yet marriage balances you and broadens you, too. . . . Tim [says] he often finds himself in situations where he is about to respond, but he knows instinctively what I would say or do if I were there . . . “and now I have a greater range of responses and a greater likelihood of doing the right thing.” Therefore, marriage is for both the overly gender typed and the under–gender typed. It broadens us and deepens us. (Hardcover, pp. 188–89; paperback, p. 213)

  SUBMISSION ALL AROUND. As we have said, the one-flesh union of marriage is not just a reference to sex and the physical. It means the complex of two entire selves—physical, emotional, social, spiritual—uniting. As we live with one another, our ideals, our hopes, our thoughts begin to wrap around one another and we become a new thing. That changes us both and so, in a sense, both spouses submit their desires and interests to the marriage. I knew a man who cold-bloodedly set out to find a marriage partner because he realized he was becoming a selfish, rigid person, and he needed someone to balance and sharpen him. He was in love when he married her, but his motivation at first was to course-correct who he was becoming.

  Reflection: Consider who you would be if you had not spent time married to your spouse. What kind of person do you think you would be?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to help you both embrace the submitting, merging, and changing that marriage naturally entails, and not to let your natural selfishness and pride keep you from the love and changed lives that can result.

  November 13

  The result of completion is personal ease. Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed with each other before the Fall. There was no anxiety, no hiding. There was a sense of a primordial, ancient unity and accord that Adam and Eve had then that we’ve not experienced since, because sin entered and disrupted the unity that they had. When you see marriage as completion, submission finds its place. (Hardcover, p. 190; paperback, pp. 214–15)

  ROLES AS BALLET. What I enjoy about ballet, Tim appreciates in basketball—the sheer physical mastery and grace, the split-second timing, the hours of practice behind the effortless maneuvers. For your marriage to reclaim the dance, it will take the same level of commitment and effort, but the beauty, the deference to one another’s needs, the solid sense of being in touch with a reality beyond oneself is worth the investment. Headship and submission in a marriage should be as grace-full as that of two dancers or two players on a team—always submitting one’s desire to be center stage to the overall pattern, the goal, the achievement of family life, ministry to the world, and (not to be too overblown about it) the continuation of civilization.

  Reflection: Do the roles of servant-leader and servant-helper play out gracefully in your marriage, as a submission of both spouses to their calling from God?

  Thought for prayer: One reason for both spouses submitting to gender roles is out of obedience to God’s Word. But another reason is that it is a natural, glad, and humble response to God’s grace. Ask God to stir up and make both motives strong in you.

  November 14

  [S]uppose a husband in a putatively Christian marriage has a wife who wants no part of a gender role that requires her to be “submissive” to her husband, the “head”? Or a wife whose churchgoing husband uses a misreading of the Bible to dismiss and marginalize her opinion, her contribution, even her person? (Hardcover, pp. 190–91; paperback, pp. 215–16)

  DON’T WAIT FOR PERMISSION. It is understandable that you would like your spouse to be every bit as eager to grow and make changes to improve your marriage as you are. But you should not wait for the other person before doing what you know you should do. Since the role of “headship” is one of servant-leadership, the husband needs no permission to serve his wife. And wives who have husbands who do not understand their role as servants can best help (’ezer) their husbands by gently but firmly standing their ground and “showing him a better way.” She may be the most help by insisting on counseling (or going by herself, if necessary). Don’t wait for permission. Making your own changes is the best way to encourage the other to do the same.

  Reflection: Men, are you convinced of Jesus’s definition of leadership being a servant role like the one he took himself? Women, are you confident enough in the teaching of Scripture to take your stand on it and not be bullied or dismissed?

  Thought for prayer: Honestly assess where you are not on the same page and either share those areas and pray together about it, or pray yourself that God would help you “be of the same mind.”

  November 15

  You can change no one’s behavior but your own. If a man or a woman wishes to bring him- or herself more fully into the biblically defined gender roles, it does not actually require assent from the other person. Since both the headship role of a husband and the submission role as a wife are servant roles, one can always begin to serve without waiting for permission. Often this will be an invisible change of attitude before it is ever visible in action. (Hardcover, p. 191; paperback, p. 216)

  THERE’S ALWAYS HOPE. The truth that you cannot change anyone’s behavior but your own should be subject to one huge caveat: God can change the hearts of anyone. When (not if) your marriage is at a difficult place, concentrate on prayer for your own heart to have the necessary courage, self-knowledge, forgiveness, love, and wisdom to proceed. Problems in a marriage, even severe ones, are not reasons to give up hope (though we have discussed biblical grounds for divorce elsewhere). God can resurrect relationships like he can resurrect people. So stick with your covenant vow, and do whatever it takes to solve the problems in your marriage.

  Reflection: Have you lost hope in your marriage? Even if you don’t fear its demise, have you settled for too little love and joy in your marriage?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Romans 15:13 and then ask God to give you hope for growth in your marriage.

  November 16

  [S]ingle people cannot live their lives well as singles without a balanced, informed view of marriage. If they do not have that, they will either over-desire or under-desire marriage, and either of those ways of thinking will distort their lives. . . . [In 1 Corinthians 7] Paul says . . . that [w]e should be neither over-elated by getting married nor over-disappointed by not being so—because Christ is the only spouse that can truly fulfill us and God’s family the only family that will truly embrace and satisfy us. (Hardco
ver, pp. 192, 194; paperback, pp. 219–20, 222)

  JESUS OUR SPOUSE. Singles get tired of hearing “Jesus is your true husband” from their well-meaning married friends. But clumsy (and often ill-timed) articulation doesn’t make it untrue. Jesus is the true husband of each of us, man or woman, married or single. We are his Bride, for whom he died to win. In a culture that has largely removed a relationship to God from the list of things humans should aspire to, the supposed raptures of romantic love have become the substitute experience. It was not made for that, and no human relationship can carry the weight of that level of need and expectation. Every Christian is in the greatest marriage and the greatest family—the family of God.

  Reflection: If you are a couple not yet married, is your relationship with Christ such that it is a corrective to your single and married friends who expect romance to fulfill all their needs?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to make your church a genuine family, and not one only in name, in which all members feel adopted and cared for and protected as the members of any strong family do.

  November 17

  In non-Western . . . cultures, there continues to be strong social pressure to build one’s hope on family and heirs. . . . Western culture [gives us] innumerable Disney-style . . . narratives [that] begin telling life stories only when two parties are about to find True Love and then, once they do, the story fades out. The message is that what matters in life is finding romance and marriage. Everything else is prologue and afterword. So both traditional and Western cultures can make singleness seem like a grim and subhuman condition. (Hardcover, p. 197; paperback, pp. 225–26)

  THE ULTIMATE FAMILY. In Mark 3:33–34 Jesus said his true family was not his biological relatives but “whoever does God’s will,” those united to him by faith. This radical principle means that being married and having children—wonderful divine gifts—are not things that everyone needs to know love and lead a fulfilled life. The only spouse we must have is Jesus and the only family we must be in is the community of believers. The institutional church has to find ways to live out this reality. We cannot allow our churches to be just a club, a school, or a community service center. All of these things fall short of being a family, with unconditional love, the sharing of living space and finances, suffering and burdens. Both singles and married persons need the church to be a true family if we are to thrive.

  Reflection: Married couples, do you include single members of the church in the life of your family? Church leaders and pastors, are your programs and sermons all slanted towards families, leaving singles feeling invisible and excluded? Is your church a family?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on 1 Timothy 5:1–2. Praise God that the church is capable of being much more than an institution but also a life-giving, life-changing family. Ask God to help you realize this capability in your own church community.

  November 18

  Christianity was the very first religion that held up single adulthood as a viable way of life. . . . In ancient cultures, long-term single adults were considered to be living a human life less than fully realized. But Christianity’s founder, Jesus Christ, and leading theologian, St. Paul, were both single their entire lives. Single adults cannot be seen as somehow less fully formed or realized human beings than married persons because Jesus Christ, a single man, was the perfect man (Hebrews 4:15, 1 Peter 2:22). (Hardcover, pp. 194–95; paperback, pp. 222–23)

  CHOOSING THE SINGLE LIFE. Men and women may deliberately choose a single life, as did St. Paul, in order to give more time and energy to God’s kingdom. For this they will need the gift of chastity, as marriage is the “only innocent context” for our sexuality. Those who find themselves single unwillingly should not think of themselves as repressing or denying a crucial part of their identity, but as offering their sexual capacity back to God as a sacrifice. In this Jesus, their elder brother, will be of help, as he has made the same sacrifice.

  Reflection: Single men and women should pursue chastity as outlined in 1 Thessalonians 4:3–8. Married men and women, are you chaste in mind and body, thought and behavior, in your marriages?

  Thought for prayer: Pray for the single adults you know, that they might be able to have the gift of chastity, and that they may find a church in which they know the intimacy and love of spiritual friendship.

  November 19

  Paul’s assessment . . . is that singleness is a good condition blessed by God, and in many circumstances, it is actually better than marriage. . . . The Christian gospel and hope of the future kingdom de-idolized marriage. . . . Having children was the main way to significance for an adult, since children would remember you. They also gave you security, since they would care for you in old age. Christians who remained single, then, were making the statement that our future is not guaranteed by the family but by God. (Hardcover, pp. 195–96; paperback, p. 223)

  TEMPTATIONS ON BOTH SIDES. The New Testament has a remarkably balanced view of singleness and marriage. 1 Corinthians 7 (see the week of October 1–7) recognizes the disadvantages of each. Singles may perhaps be more subject to sexual temptations, but married people have their own challenges. John Newton claimed that the biggest danger of a happy marriage was idolatry. Idolatry of the perfect family leads to fear and anxiety if anything appears to threaten that idol. Love of family is not a sin, of course, but inordinate love of family easily can insinuate itself into otherwise strong Christian families. Married and single Christians need to welcome each other and aid and assist one another with their distinctive spiritual challenges.

  Reflection: Married men and women, in what ways could your family become an idol? Has it done so already? If you are an unmarried couple, do you realize that new challenges lie ahead?

  Thought for prayer: Ask God to remind you that idolatry, the primary sin (Exodus 20:3, the first of all the commandments), is not doing bad things but rather making good things into God-substitutes. Ask God to help you to put away all idols, and to not make your own marriage into one.

  November 20

  Single adult Christians were bearing testimony that God, not family, was their hope. God would guarantee their future, first by giving them their truest family—the church—so they never lacked for brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, in Christ. But ultimately, Christians’ inheritance is nothing less than the fullness of the kingdom of God in the new heavens and new earth. (Hardcover, p. 196; paperback, p. 224)

  INEXPLICABLE BELIEVERS. Our modern culture is deeply conflicted about sex and love. It pities married people who have constrained themselves so they are not free to have sex with others. It pities singles who are unattached because it sees sexual love as the main way to get intimacy. When Christians actually live the truth that their citizenship is in heaven and the community of believers is their truest family, the watching world is bemused, confused, and yet attracted (1 Peter 2:11–12). Humans clutch so desperately at the happiness this world offers that anyone contentedly living out of the riches of the world to come disrupts their worldview in a powerful way.

  Reflection: Married or single, how does your life display your ability to be content with whatever your life holds? Are there ways in which you are not content? What, like Paul, do you need to learn in order to be content?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Philippians 4:11–13. Then pray that God would give you the same “secret of contentment” that Paul spoke about.

  November 21

  [Christian authors have] point[ed] out that Christian hope not only made it possible for singles to live fulfilled lives without spouse and children, but also was impetus for people to marry and have children and not be afraid to bring them into this dark world. “For Christians do not place their hope in their children, but rather their children are a sign of their hope . . . that God has not abandoned this world.” (Hardcover, p. 196; paperback, p. 224)

  THE MULTIPLE USES OF HOPE. Fewer married couples are ha
ving children. Many say we shouldn’t bring new people into a darkening world. Others simply don’t want the limitations on freedom that children bring into your life. But everywhere in Scripture that children are mentioned they are called a “blessing” from God. I (Kathy) had to rely on God’s word, as I was one of the people who never enjoyed babies and resented the time children seemed to take from their parents. How much I would have missed if I had not moved into motherhood simply because I trusted God! Trusting in God’s promise—that we will all live forever in love in a new, renewed universe—gives both singles hope that their future is secure without children, and married people hope that their children’s future is secure as well.

  Reflection: Elisabeth Elliot’s definition of suffering is “Having what you don’t want or wanting what you don’t have.” Some people want children (singles or the infertile); others have them and are at their wit’s end. How does God’s word address each group?

  Thought for prayer: Meditate on Romans 8:18–25 for our hope in a restored future world. Ask God to fill you with joy at this prospect, and make it a baseline of peace in your life, regardless of how things are going at the present time.

  November 22

  The Christian church in the West . . . has labeled [singleness] “Plan B for the Christian life.” . . . Beneath [this statement] is the premise that single life is a state of deprivation for people who are not yet fully formed enough for marriage. [Paige Benton Brown says:] “I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve [a spouse] . . . nor . . . too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me.” (Hardcover, pp. 196–97; paperback, pp. 224–25)