The Staycation: This summer's hilarious tale of heartwarming friendship, fraught families and happy ever afters

by Michele Gorman

  But the only sound she heard was the shower running in the other bathroom. One of the children had listened to her, at least. They did listen, generally. She wasn’t nearly as hopeless a mum as Dan would make her out to be. She knew that. She knew it! She could not let him work his judgements into her brain. He was a master at playing the tactics, but she knew all his moves.

  Within a few minutes she could hear him whistling to himself in their bedroom like he hadn’t a care in the world. Like she hadn’t threatened their marriage.

  It was a bluff. He liked to do that to cover his fury. She would stay strong.

  She didn’t offer to drive him to the station. If he thought she was such a helpless creature then let him get a taxi. She wasn’t a silly bean any more.

  When she was sure he’d left, she rang Harriet.

  ‘I’m sorry, there was a bit of an overflow situation in your bathroom last night,’ Harriet confessed straight away. ‘Not a leak or anything, thank goodness, just a running tap. I’ve sorted it, though, and they delivered the fans and dehumidifiers today. They’re running now. Luckily you haven’t got carpet in the bedroom! It only leaked through the kitchen ceiling, though, so there was no water damage to furniture. I’ve already booked the plasterers to come next week when it’s dried out, and I could come back to oversee the work, too, if you’ll be out, so there’s no inconvenience. That’s the least I can do for wrecking your kitchen ceiling. Sorry.’

  ‘That’s okay,’ Sophie answered. She couldn’t care less about the kitchen ceiling. ‘I think I may have just wrecked my marriage. Or at least put a serious dent in it.’

  ‘Er, okay. You want to talk about it, I presume, since you rang.’

  ‘Your logic never fails you, Harriet.’ She recounted as much of the day as she could remember. Even though the exact details of who said what were already getting fuzzy, the feeling was as strong as ever. She didn’t regret anything she’d said.

  ‘Listen,’ said Harriet, ‘I’m not the right person to give you advice, professionally speaking, but I can ask around and recommend someone good. If you’re going down that road.’

  ‘It’s too early for decisions. It’s complicated with the children, and the fact that I’m not working and he’s living in the house with us. Plus, there’s the not inconsiderable fact that I might still love him.’ That was the real problem. Her head gave her all the evidence she could ever need. It didn’t stop her heart from wanting to stay with him despite everything. This didn’t feel like the end, although it was the beginning of it.

  Later, she glanced through the front window, again letting the tears fill her eyes. Blurry, the scene outside was even more idyllic. Off to one side, bright expanses of grass were dotted with James’s prize goats. A wild profusion of blooms and greenery filled the garden nearer the house: tall-stemmed irises, multicoloured gladioli and foxgloves that reached skywards; purple-blooming butterfly bushes and huge-headed lavender hydrangeas. Bright geraniums in shades of pink and red nestled among the merry violas and pansies that tumbled over the sides of their pots. There was absolutely nothing in her line of vision to suggest that it wasn’t a hundred years ago …

  But there should have been, she realised.

  Dan had taken the hire car.

  Chapter 28

  Saturday

  ‘I feel like death warmed up,’ Harriet muttered. Yesterday was supposed to be comedown day, according to Google. How could she feel so bad now?

  ‘Can we stay in bed all day?’ came the response from James’s side.

  ‘You can. I’ve got to get up.’ She went to rise, but James threw an arm over her shoulders.

  ‘Hang on,’ he said. He waited, maybe to see if she’d shrug him off. When she didn’t, he said, ‘I know it doesn’t even come close to being enough, but I am sorry we’re putting you through this, I really am. I promise I’ll make it as painless as possible for you.’

  She wondered how he planned to do that, unless he had a way to rewind the last several months.

  ‘It would have been painless if it wasn’t happening.’ She was right to be suspicious when she’d put two and two together.

  ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I’ll make it up to you. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be angry, but can you at least not hate me too much?’

  ‘Oh, James. After all this time, you know me better than that.’ Her eyes slid along the curtain rail at the window. Twenty rings exactly on each side. She was glad to see the symmetry. ‘I don’t hate you. I can’t say the same for your actions, though.’ It was a distinction they’d always been careful to make with Billie. They always loved her. They just didn’t always like her actions.

  ‘Yeah, I see that.’ His kindly eyes looked tired. She’d felt him tossing and turning until the early hours. ‘For what it’s worth, I am truly, heartily sorry.’

  ‘I know you are, but it’s too late for that to change anything now.’

  With that, she got up. Selecting a cocktail of tablets from her well-stocked medicine bag, she tried not to unbalance her pounding head as she staggered to the bathroom. No sign of the flood remained, except that most of the towels were still drying downstairs.

  She was tempted to take a bath, but the memory of the other night was too fresh. It had been so fun. As much fun as she and James had ever had together. She pushed the thoughts from her mind. Today, her focus was on Billie. Besides, there was nothing she could do now about James’s little plan. It seemed she wasn’t as in control as she’d thought.

  Maybe she never had been. All those years she’d congratulated herself on her ability to be ready for any situation. It was exhausting. She saw the strain now in the mirror, and for what? For everyone to do whatever they wanted anyway. She’d actually believed that chaos was just for the want of a foolproof plan. Ha! If only.

  She showered as usual, then put the finishing touches to her outfit.

  As Harriet examined her reflection, she felt butterflies waking up in her tummy. Taking a deep breath, she went downstairs to wait for her daughter to get up.

  But clearly, Billie couldn’t wait to get to Brighton today. She was already in the kitchen. ‘Mum!’

  ‘Before you say anything, please let me say something first. Please. I’m so sorry for the way I’ve reacted.’ The words were strangled in Harriet’s throat. ‘I’d give anything in the world to do it differently, to get to have that conversation again. Everything came out wrong, or didn’t come out at all, which is worse. I do support you, Billie, and I will in whatever decisions you make in your life because I love you more than anything. Sometimes that gets lost in my reaction. I’m sorry for that, too, sweetheart, more than you’ll ever know. I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me, because I was wrong for behaving like I did when you told us.’

  ‘To be fair, you’ve done loads more wrong than that,’ Billie said.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘You only get one chance to make a first impression.’

  Harriet recoiled at her own words. ‘I deserve that, too.’

  ‘Yeah, you do, but you probably mean well in your own totally misguided way. You can’t help it. You’re just …’ Billie grimaced. ‘You.’ Then she raised her eyebrows at Harriet’s outfit. ‘You’ve been on Mumsnet again. Haven’t I told you?’

  When Harriet glanced down at the badges on her rainbow t-shirt, the hot pink pompom deely boppers on her head bounced forward. Pride was pinned to one side and Love is Love to the other. She was glad she’d gone out yesterday to buy everything. She wasn’t sure she’d have managed it with the way she felt today. ‘Too much?’ she asked, turning round so Billie could see the Proud and Loud badge on the waistband of her jeans.

  ‘You’re always too much, Mum.’ Billie flicked her deely bopper. ‘I wouldn’t expect anything else from you.’

  ‘Good, because I want to go to the parade with you. You don’t even have to walk with me if you don’t want. I just want to be there to support you. Will you let me?’

  ‘I doubt I could
stop you.’

  ‘Yes, Billie, you could. If you don’t want me to go then I won’t. I think it’s time I started listening to you. I won’t always get things right, but from now on it won’t be for lack of trying, if you’ll let me. Can we try, sweetheart? I’d love it if we could.’

  In those few seconds before Billie spoke, Harriet felt the weight of everything she wanted hanging in the balance. It was all in Billie’s hands. Now Harriet realised that it always had been. As heartbreaking as it would be, she could face losing James. She wouldn’t lose her daughter.

  Finally, Billie answered. ‘I suppose I can’t let you wander around Brighton on your own looking like that.’

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I’m cute enough to kiss, aren’t I?’ She felt like such a fool.

  ‘Hug, anyway, I suppose.’ With that she let Harriet put her arms around her. ‘You’re insane, but you are my mum.’

  Harriet’s tears made tracks through the glitter on her cheeks.

  The Brighton train was mobbed, and a few passengers were even more colourful than Harriet. She wished she’d bought the pink wig, too. ‘This is fun!’ she told Billie as they squeezed into one of the carriages.

  ‘Let’s see how you feel after being packed in for an hour,’ she answered.

  ‘And seven minutes. It’s an hour and seven minutes.’

  Billie patted her shoulder.

  It took ages to get out of Brighton station after the train pulled in, but Harriet felt like she was already at Pride. The atmosphere was electric, with music and whistles and drums, more colourful outfits and lots of rainbows.

  ‘How will we ever find your friends?’ she wondered as they made their way with the mob towards the city centre.

  ‘WhatsApp,’ Billie said. She showed Harriet the map on her phone. ‘They’re there.’

  ‘But what if the network goes down with all these people? What’s your Plan B?’

  ‘We’ll meet at Starbucks at noon.’

  Harriet’s hand went to her heart. Billie was her girl after all.

  The crowd swelled along with the noise as they approached the parade route. She had to shout so Billie could hear her. ‘So, darling, you’re a lesbian. What do I call a gay man?’

  ‘Christ, Mum.’

  ‘Well, I want to get the terminology right for when I meet your friends.’

  Billie stared at her. ‘You really do, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes, that’s why I’m asking what the correct singular noun is for a gay man.’

  ‘You’d say a gay man.’

  ‘Then gays are men and lesbians are women. Got it.’

  ‘Not a gay, Mum. A gay man.’

  ‘That’s not very efficient. There should be a singular noun.’

  ‘You shouldn’t need a singular noun because you’re not going to use it, are you?’ Billie asked. ‘Are you? Please don’t ask my friends any embarrassing questions.’

  ‘Since when have I ever embarrassed you?’ She twanged her deely bopper.

  ‘Oh God,’ Billie muttered.

  But she didn’t ask Billie’s friends any embarrassing questions. They were all very nice and not creepy at all.

  ‘She’s your mum?’ said one of the boys. Like Billie, he was dressed simply in jeans and a t-shirt. In fact, they all were. Still, Harriet was having too much fun to regret her outfit. ‘That’s dope.’

  Billie didn’t look convinced about the dopeness of Harriet being there.

  ‘Come on,’ she cajoled her daughter. ‘You’ve got to admit, it is dope.’ She looked around. ‘How many other mothers are here with their daughters? I’m right, aren’t I?’ she said to the woman she happened to notice beside her.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I was saying that not many mothers like us are here with our daughters.’ Harriet pointed to the young woman holding her hand.

  ‘She’s not my daughter.’

  ‘Really? But—’ Actually, now that she examined them carefully, the only resemblance between them was the dirty looks on their faces.

  ‘Sorry,’ Billie said, steering Harriet away. ‘Smooth, Mum.’

  ‘Well, she was young enough to be her daughter. Anyone could make that mistake.’

  ‘It was so invigorating!’ she told Sophie later that night on the phone. It had taken hours before they were able to get on a train back. Normally Harriet would have found half a dozen more efficient options, but she was enjoying herself too much. ‘To see everyone there supporting each other was wonderful, and Billie couldn’t have been happier. And her friends weren’t at all the online psychopaths I was afraid they’d be. They were really nice boys and girls from all over the South East. This social media thing is something, isn’t it?’ Harriet knew she sounded like her gran marvelling over colour television. ‘I still don’t want her on it all the time, but I see the attraction. We even took selfies!’

  ‘It sounds like a great day, I’m really happy for you,’ Sophie said. ‘My day was pretty good, too, even though there’s still no sign of Dan. I guess he really has gone back to London.’

  ‘I’m sorry, are you upset?’

  ‘Only because I’m starting to second-guess myself. Harriet, what if I’m overreacting, or twisting things somehow and that’s making him seem like an arse when he’s really not? What if his motives aren’t actually sinister? That would make a difference to how I should see his actions, wouldn’t it?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Harriet. ‘If his actions have a negative impact on you then does it matter what his motivation is? It’s still wrong to make you feel like that, no matter why he’s doing it.’

  ‘I know,’ Sophie said. She sounded deflated. ‘I can’t believe I haven’t seen this before. Maybe because he’s always made our relationship so easy. You know like when you usually go out with someone and there’s all that effort to get him to like you? None of that happened with Dan. He’s always overwhelmed me with his love. There’s a lot of security in that.’

  Harriet wondered whether it was love or need that Sophie had been overwhelmed by. They weren’t the same thing.

  Sophie went on. ‘I can’t trust anything I’m thinking at the moment.’

  Harriet’s heart went out to her friend. And she was certain that Dan was exactly as big a knob as Sophie suspected. Hadn’t she found ironclad evidence of that behind the Celebrations in Sophie’s cupboard? Even though it might mean going back into the deep freeze, she had to tell her now. ‘Sophie? I found something when I was putting away a few things. I debated telling you because I hoped I wouldn’t have to, but now I think I do.’ Harriet steeled herself. ‘There was an open pack of condoms in the back of your towel cupboard.’

  ‘I have a towel cupboard?’

  ‘The one in the bathroom. That’s your towel cupboard, now I’ve labelled everything. But that’s not the point. The point is that they probably mean Dan has been lying to you.’

  When she didn’t answer, Harriet soldiered on. ‘You told me Dan had a vasectomy, so presumably he doesn’t need condoms with you. But Sophie, he’s got them, and the pack is open. Which means he must be using them with someone else. I’m so sorry, but you should know this if you’re thinking about your options. Besides, you’re my friend.’ That felt good to say, and scary because Harriet knew she couldn’t take their friendship for granted now that she’d rubbished Dan again.

  ‘You’re right,’ Sophie finally said. ‘We’re not using them.’

  Harriet felt terrible for breaking this news to her friend. Though she had to say, Sophie was taking it awfully well. Maybe she was in shock.

  ‘But they’re not Dan’s. They’re mine,’ Sophie said.

  Harriet spluttered.

  ‘Why is that so unbelievable? Thanks, Harriet.’

  ‘But what if Dan had found them?’

  ‘Please. He never puts anything away. He doesn’t even get his own clean towels. Believe me, there’s no risk of Dan going into any cupboards. I could hide anything in there and he’d never find it.’

 
If Sophie had condoms and she wasn’t using them with her husband, then … ‘You’re having an affair?’

  Sophie snorted. ‘Blimey, no, of course I’m not! It’s – I – I should have chucked them out, I know.’

  ‘I don’t understand. You’re not sleeping with someone, but you want to?’

  ‘No, definitely not, though Carlos would like to. I have said no, but he’s still hopeful.’

  ‘Snake Carlos? Your next-door neighbour Carlos?’

  ‘I know, it’s a cliché, isn’t it? Dan and I spent a lot of time with them before his wife left. She was my friend more than him. Still, I felt sorry for him when she left. He mistook that for interest. I guess I was flattered by the attention – cliché again – but then when he brought over that box … I had to tell him it wasn’t going to happen. I did tell him.’

  ‘But you kept the box?’

  She sighed. ‘He left it in the loo. Luckily I found it before Dan got home. I should have chucked them out, but like I said, it was flattering. I suppose it felt good having someone be so nice to me all the time. Hmm. I’ve never thought about it like that. Part of me must have known that Dan wasn’t being nice. But it wasn’t fair to let Carlos carry on when I knew I’d never …’

  Harriet’s brain was whirring. ‘The box is open, Sophie.’

  She giggled. ‘Well, I wanted to see what extra-large condoms looked like, didn’t I? I couldn’t believe he’d brought them over. Talk about cocky.’

  ‘Yes, well, that seems to be his implication,’ said Harriet. ‘And? Did you see a difference?’ She’d never had the occasion to see one herself in the wild.

  ‘Well, they’re not elephantine or anything. Just a little bigger than usual, I guess. It’s hard to tell without seeing one on.’

  ‘Which you definitely didn’t see.’

  ‘Which I definitely didn’t see. I’d never cheat, as bad as things might be. As bad as things are. Even if Dan and I split, I wouldn’t want to be with Carlos. I’ll find a nice way to tell him that when I get back. Anyway, it’s our last day here and I don’t want to waste it thinking about what happens when we all go back to the real world. Will you be happy to come home?’