“Nope,” he taunts me. He even let’s the fucking ‘p’ pop.
I sit still for a moment, trying to breathe through the anger that’s threatening to tear a gaping hole through everything I know. Everything I ever believed.
I thought Fallon and I were one of a kind. I thought we shared something unbreakable. I was so careful with her. I wanted everything to be perfect for her.
But all it took was me fucking things up. One moment and I almost killed her.
God.
I could’ve killed Fallon.
My breathing speeds up, and unable to sit still, I push through the pain in my side and climb off the bed.
“You need the restroom?” Noah asks.
I feel his hand on my arm as I stare into the dark abyss that’s become my new normal.
Only, it’s far from normal.
It’s a fucking nightmare.
I push Noah away from me. “Get out!”
“Kao,” he snaps, my name filled with warning. “I get you’re upset, but you need to calm down.”
“Calm down?” I growl.
Stupidly, I try to glance around the room. It’s reflexes like this that trip me. Besides the dark pit of black ink, that’s a constant reminder, habits make it so much worse.
I blindly swing at anything… something, and the back of my hand connects with the glass of water that was next to the bed. I hear it shatter, and it drives me to keep going. I need to sow destruction. I need to let out the anger… the despair… the fucking guilt.
I almost killed Fallon.
I hurt her.
I fucking scarred the woman I love.
Arms come around me, and I instantly know they belong to my father. He pins me to his chest.
One.
Two.
Three.
I suck in a desperate breath and then let out a shout, hoping it will rid me of the chaos.
“I’ve got you,” Dad says, and he pulls me down to the floor. I let my body slump against his as another cry tears through me.
I was supposed to keep her safe.
I… I… I fucked everything up.
I fucking deserve to be blind.
At least then I won’t have to see the damage I’ve done. I won’t have to face the destruction I’ve caused.
Dad’s arms tighten around me. “Shhh… I’m here.”
I shake my head because not even that’s enough any longer. This is something my father can’t fix for me.
The worst part? I can’t even remember the accident. I can’t recall the moment my life lost all meaning.
My body shakes in my father’s hold as the agony of what I’ve done to Fallon rips my soul to shreds.
Once again, time warps into nothing but bitterness and crippling guilt.
I don’t know how long Dad holds me, his words of reassurance bouncing off the hellish chaos that’s enveloped me. Somehow, I manage to calm down. But it feels empty, like the silence when you’re caught in the eye of a storm, waiting for the second half to hit.
“They’ve scheduled the transplant for Monday,” Dad reminds me. “You’ll get your vision back.”
I shake my head as I let Dad help me to my feet. I bump against the side of the bed before I carefully sit down on it.
The doctor said there’s a ten percent chance the transplant won’t work. Even if it’s a success, so much can still go wrong. I’ll probably never get my full vision back.
And honestly… I don’t have the guts to face what I’ve done to Fallon.
“No.” The word falls hard in the room.
“No?” Dad asks. “For what?”
“I won’t go through with the transplant.”
This black hole will be my prison for what I’ve done to her.
Chapter 5
FALLON
Noah burst into my room, a thunderous expression etched on his face. “Can you come talk to Kao?”
I’m still a mess from Kao’s reaction to my injuries and haven’t even started to process anything. Somehow, I manage to push the covers off me. “Did something happen?” I ask, my voice hoarse from the raw heartache.
Noah frustratingly thrusts a hand through his hair. “He’s losing his shit and refusing the transplant.”
“What?” I gasp. I climb off the bed, and with my own pain shoved to the side, I rush out of the room. My thoughts are instantly consumed with worry for Kao. “That’s insane!”
“Yeah. He won’t even listen to Uncle Marcus. I thought maybe you can get through to him.”
We hurry to the room, and as I near the door, I hear Kao shout, “I’ve made up my mind!”
“I won’t let you do this to yourself,” Mr. Reed hollers just as I step inside. “You will go through with the transplant.”
“Dad,” Kao yells, “Drop it!”
Mr. Reed’s breaths race over his lips, his face torn between frustration and heartbreak.
Kao, on the other hand, looks murderous. I’ve never seen that expression on his face before, and it makes a shiver ripple through me.
I swallow hard before I walk closer. “Kao?”
His head snaps in my direction, and pain flits over his features before the granite expression returns. Then he growls, “What are you doing here?”
“I called her,” Noah admits. “Someone needs to talk some sense into your stubborn ass.”
“Can everyone just fucking leave me alone?” Kao snaps.
I flinch from all the anger coming off him, and my heart begins to beat heavily in my chest.
“Can you stop throwing a fucking tantrum for one minute?” Noah barks at Kao. “For fucks sake, you’re impossible!”
I let out a gasp when Kao stands up from where he was sitting on the side of the bed. His movements are filled with rage, but my heart splits right down the middle when I watch him reach his hands out to feel where he’s going.
I can’t move a muscle as Kao comes toward me. His hand connects with my arm, and it makes him freeze.
I begin to reach for him, but then he shuts his eyes, and with his voice low, he hisses, “Out of my way.”
Ignoring him, I step forward and wrap my arms around his waist. I press my left cheek to his chest and say, “I won’t. You’d be there for me, so let me help.”
His hands settle on my shoulders, and he pauses. I feel his breath stir my hair, but then he pushes me back. Letting out a bitter sounding chuckle, he says, “You’re scarred.” He shakes his head, and moving me to the side, he lets go of me. “Nothing’s going to change that.” Another bitter chuckle grates against my ears.
“Kao!” Mr. Reed snaps.
“What the fuck?” Noah growls.
Devasted, I can only stare at Kao. The fact that he’s disgusted with me rips my broken heart clean from my chest.
A foreign emotion creeps into the empty space left in my rib cage. I’ve always been able to hug and touch Kao. Whenever I wanted to. He was my person. My love. Not being able to comfort him is the worst torture. But having him being repulsed by me – makes it feel like a gaping gorge is being torn open between us.
Everything I ever thought I knew about Kao Reed is stripped from my memory until I’m staring at a stranger.
How could I be so wrong about him? I thought he was kind, loyal, and strong.
I was wrong.
This stranger is cruel. My Kao wouldn’t care about the scars. He’d tell me they don’t matter.
Sucking in a painful breath, I close my eyes as I turn around and start to walk away from him.
“Fallon,” Mr. Reed calls after me.
I stop outside in the hallway, and it’s hard to meet Mr. Reed’s blue eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he apologizes for his son’s behavior.
It takes all my strength to fight back the threatening tears, and I manage to smile, welcoming the pain in my cheek. “Don’t worry. Kao’s going through a lot.”
Mr. Reed reaches for my arm and gives it a squeeze. “And he’s stubborn. Please, give him time.�
��
I nod, my smile not wavering. “Of course.”
“Thank you.”
I watch Mr. Reed hurry back inside, and feeling like half a woman, I dazedly walk to my room. Once inside, I shut the door behind me, and then my lips part as I let the devastation wreak havoc through me. I gasp for air and clutch at my shirt over my heart.
Oh, God. Make it stop. It hurts too much.
A sob tears through my throat, making my neck cramp.
It feels like Kao died in the accident.
We didn’t survive.
The door slams into my back, and I stagger forward. Jase comes in, and the second his eyes land on me, he darts forward. His arms wrap around me, and I cling to my cousin, desperate for him to make the pain go away.
“I’m here,” he murmurs while rubbing my back. “It’s going to be okay.”
I shake my head and pull away. Using the back of my hand, I wipe the tears from my left cheek. “It won’t. He hates me. He’s… he’s disgusted with the scars.”
“What the fuck?” Jase’s eyebrows knit angrily together. “Who?”
Just remembering what Kao said has my face crumbling again as I gasp, “Kao.” I move back into Jase’s arms. “He hates me.”
“Shh.” Jase’s arms tighten around me. “Kao’s in shock. I’m sure he didn’t mean it.”
Jase’s words offer me no comfort. It was too easy for Kao to change. One moment he wanted a relationship with me, and the next, I’m nothing to him?
The question only deepens the heartache, and it makes me feel like I’ll never be whole again.
KAO
Dad and Noah are pissed off with me. Actually, that’s an understatement. But I couldn’t care less. I can’t face what I’ve done to Fallon, and they won’t understand even if I tried to explain.
My emotions keep alternating between rage and guilt, both equally debilitating. It feels as if I’m at war with myself.
I want to hold Fallon and assure her everything will be okay, but how can I? Nothing will ever be okay again.
Nothing will change the fact that I almost killed her. She’s better off keeping her distance from me, and if I have to be an asshole to make her stay away, then so be it. I’d rather lose her love and respect than having to face a world she’s not in because I killed her.
Just thinking about the cuts on her face and neck and the surgery she’ll have to face makes it feel like my soul weighs a ton from the regret bearing down on me.
I wish I could go back and change things. I’d never ask Fallon out to dinner. I’d give up on my dream of being with her. Anything to ensure her safety.
But it’s too late.
Now, there’s nothing. Nothing but fucking darkness and emptiness.
“Baby?” I hear Mom, and when her hand brushes over my cheek, it makes everything worse instead of better.
Mom raised me to be a gentleman. To always protect the women in my life.
I failed to protect the most important one.
I hear the swishing of fabric. “I’ve brought you a couple of things.” She places something in my hand. “This is an iPad. I had the settings adjusted, so if you touch the screen, it will tell you where you’re at.” Mom moves my hand until my finger bumps against the screen.
‘Music. Double-tap to open,’ a voice sounds up.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I know Mom means well, but this is just another reminder that I’m blind as fuck.
Even though my world has gone to shit, I still force a smile to my face and mutter, “Thanks, Mom.”
“Remember, the flap opens to the left. That way, you’ll know you have it the right side up.”
I nod and then hear the rustling of papers.
“I brought you snacks and placed them in the drawer,” Mom explains. “Think of it as a treasure hunt. They’re all your favorites, though.”
“Yeah? You’re not going to try and sneak in some veggies?” I tease her.
“Damn, I should’ve thought of that. I’ll sneak some in next time,” Mom chuckles.
When her hand closes over mine, I ask, “Aren’t you going to lay into me, as well?”
“No.” Her fingers squeeze mine. “Right now, I’m just going to love and support my son. We’ll deal with the transplant when you feel better.”
Silence fills the room, and my mother’s soothing presence wraps like a protective cloak around me.
“I hurt Fallon,” I murmur.
“It was an accident,” Mom replies, her tone soft.
“I could’ve killed her.”
“Baby,” Mom breathes. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I should’ve protected her,” I argue.
“You did.” Mom’s hand brushes up and down my forearm, and when I shake my head, she continues, “You took the full brunt of the truck hitting your car to keep Fallon safe.”
“Not safe enough,” I grumble. “She’s scarred.”
“Her parents got the best plastic surgeon. I’m sure he’ll be able to remove all the scarring.”
Just thinking about Fallon going in for surgery makes what’s left of my heart shrivel until it feels like it will fade to nothing any second. I can’t bear the thought of her having to endure more pain.
I just shake my head, not wanting to talk about Fallon anymore. It’s too hard.
God, why did I ask her out for dinner? Why did this have to happen?
I shut my eyes against the hopelessness and despair.
Mom lets out a breath, and I can feel her searching for the right words to say.
“It’s okay, Mom,” I say to put her at ease. “I just need some time.”
I can’t tell what the time is as I blink into the dark nothingness around me.
I hear Noah’s breaths, where he’s asleep on the couch in my hospital room.
I suck in a suffocating breath. This hell is killing me. All I can do is just fucking lie here while it feels like I’m wasting away.
I can’t change anything. I can’t go to Fallon. I can’t see.
I fucking… can’t.
Sitting up, I angrily shove the covers away from me. I throw my legs over the side of the bed and grip the mattress hard.
I hurt Fallon. She’s scarred because of me.
I fucking hate myself.
An enraged growl builds in my chest, and I push off the bed.
It feels like I’m going insane. The guilt keeps pounding relentlessly against my heart that already feels like nothing but a worthless piece of shit.
The ever-present darkness makes everything so much worse. There’s nothing to distract myself with. Only the endless night and the constant reminder of what I’ve done.
I can’t be with Fallon. I won’t be able to finish my studies. It’s like someone pressed delete on my life.
What am I going to do?
Fuck.
What’s left to live for?
Anger, frustration, and guilt swirl in me, not giving me a second’s reprieve.
I begin to stumble in the direction of the door, or where I think it will be. Every step makes my heartbeat speed up.
I’m fucking useless now.
I hear my breaths as they burst over my lips. My skin prickles, and bringing my arms up, my hands keep touching empty air until I knock into something hard. It feels like the wall, and I move my hands over it until I finally reach the door.
I have to get out of here. I’m fucking losing my mind.
I manage to open the door and stick close to the wall as I step out of the room.
The darkness stretches endlessly around me. It strips me of my independence and makes me… blind.
Pressure builds in my chest, and I begin to breathe faster, but it doesn’t feel like any of the air is getting to my lungs.
With my back plastered against the wall, I bleakly try to glance around me.
The blow hits again.
The pressure builds more.
Bringing my hands up, I grip fistfuls of my hair as I try to b
reathe faster.
I feel paralyzed. Lost. Dead.
I’m alone in the dark. So fucking alone.
My body jerks as tears threaten to fall, and I bring my hands down to cover my face.
“Kao?” I hear Noah’s voice.
It’s become so unbearable, I instantly turn toward the sound of his voice and reach out. Noah takes hold of my arm and pulls me back into the room. I hear the door shut, and then his arms grip me tightly. I grab hold of Noah, knowing I’ll fade to nothing without him.
An agonizing gasp escapes me, and I shake my head, unable to accept that my life has ended.
I’m only twenty-three.
This can’t be it. This can’t be my future.
This can’t be all that’s left of my life.
“We’re going to fix everything,” Noah murmurs.
I shake my head again. “She’s scarred,” I whisper. “I’m blind.” I tighten my hold on Noah as the guilt and despair rip through me once more.
“One thing at a time. Go for the surgery. Let’s get your vision back,” Noah tries to convince me.
“Not now,” I grind the words out, unable to cope. “I can’t handle fighting with you now.”
Noah’s arms become steel bands as he keeps me standing. “Okay,” he murmurs. “I’ve got you. We’ll get through this.”
Nothing he says helps to ease the fear and hopelessness. Shutting my eyes, everything I was, everything I lived for, is stripped from me.
Something dies inside me, and I begin to pull back, but Noah grips me tighter and growls, “Don’t you fucking dare push me away. I won’t let you. You’re my fucking brother, and I’ll take all your shit, but I won’t let you shut me out.”
Feeling numb, I stand in his arms as I whisper, “Noah.” It feels like I’m shutting down. “There’s… nothing.” It feels like the darkness is swallowing me. “Just nothing.”
Chapter 6
FALLON
The past three days have been the hardest I’ve ever had to endure. The shock of Kao’s reaction to my injuries and him refusing the cornea transplant still shudders through me.
Defiant Heir Page 4
