“I don’t understand why he won’t,” I admit.
“I think he’s scared it might not be a success. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up,” Jase gives his opinion.
“But it’s worth the chance,” I argue.
Jase lets out a sigh as he pulls into the hospital's parking area. “I told him that.”
We all climb out, and Jase walks between Mila and me. We’re quiet until we reach the VIP floor.
Jase places his hand on my back. “Whatever happens, I’m here.”
I give him a grateful smile before I push open the door.
Kao’s sitting up, and Uncle Marcus is seated at the foot of the bed. Noah’s slouched in a chair, staring at his phone.
“Hey,” I say as I walk inside, and I first go to hand Noah his burger.
“Thanks, you’re a lifesaver.”
Kao’s head snaps in my direction, and a frown forms on his forehead. I have to gather all my strength to move to the side of the bed. The lines on his face deepen as I lean down. I press a kiss to his cheek, but a second later, he turns his face away from me.
As I straighten up, Jase places his arm around my waist and pulls me into his side.
I watch as Mila hugs Kao, and it hurts like hell when he hugs her back.
No matter how strong I try to be, it’s too much. Lifting a hand to my face, I cover my mouth as I pull away from Jase. I leave the room in a hurry, fighting to keep the tears back.
Darting down the hallway, I rush to the waiting room, praying it’s empty. The moment I walk inside, a sob escapes me.
“I’m so sorry, Fallon,” Mila says behind me, and then she comes to hug me.
I wrap my arms around my friend while I try my best to swallow the heartbreaking emotions back. I suck in a deep breath and then pull away from her.
“I’m fine.” I force a smile to my face as I meet her eyes.
I’m not okay. Not even a little.
KAO
It kills me being cold toward Fallon. I so badly want to hold her but keeping her at a distance is best. She’ll get over me in no time, and then she can move on with her life.
“Why are you doing this, Kao?” Jase snaps angrily.
I shake my head, not having the strength to face off with Fallon’s cousin again. Earlier today was enough to drain me.
I feel Jase move closer to me, and then he grinds out, “Answer me.”
I let out an exhausted sigh. “Drop it, Jase.”
“Drop it? Seriously?” he growls. “You just fucking hurt Fallon in front of me! You’re walking around blind when you can get your sight back. I won’t fucking drop it.”
“Do we have to do this now?” I snap.
“Yes. Explain to me why you’re behaving like a total asshole? Why won’t you go for the surgery? Why did you push Fallon away?”
I press my lips together, refusing to answer his questions. The second Jase finds out why I’m doing this, he won’t back down. I’d rather let him think I’m a bastard.
I feel Jase’s eyes burn on me. “This affects the whole group, and Mila’s just been through hell. We all have. I won’t have you upsetting Mila and Fallon more. They’re worried out of their minds, and so are the rest of us.”
I know Jase is right, and it tears me in half. I need to protect Fallon, but I don’t want to cause my friends any further pain.
To my surprise, Dad says, “Kao said he’d think about it.”
I can’t bear seeing what I’ve done to Fallon. I just can’t.
“Sorry, Mr. Reed, but thinking about it isn’t enough.” Then Jase snaps at me, “Just tell us what’s going on. God, none of this makes any sense.”
I clench my jaw, keeping my eyes and mouth shut.
If I thought that would be enough to deter Jase, I’m sorely mistaken.
“Kao, don’t fucking sit there and ignore me. I’ll stand here until you speak to me.”
To make matters worse, Noah asks, “Are we finally having an intervention?”
“Fuck,” I grumble. “Would you all just back off?”
“Nope.” Again Noah lets the ‘P’ pop, and it has me fisting my hands to keep from responding.
“We’re here because we love you, Kao,” Dad tries to reassure me.
A couple of seconds of silence pass, then Jase shouts, “Kao! Stop this fucking shit!”
My eyes snap open, and even though I can’t see anything, I glare in Jase’s direction. My anger spirals out of control and darting to my feet, I yell, “I hurt Fallon! Okay? Are you fucking happy now?” My breaths rush over my lips, and every muscle in my body is tense.
“Far from,” Jase growls. “That doesn’t explain shit to me.”
“I hurt her,” I grind the words out. “She’s scarred because of me!” I shake my head as all the guilt whirls with my anger, and it creates a turbulent storm inside me. “I was supposed to keep her safe.”
“Hold on,” Jase says, and I hear him move closer until his voice sounds up right in front of me, “Are you refusing the transplant because you feel guilty?”
Fuck. I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
“Is Jase right?” Dad asks.
When I don’t say anything, one of them places a hand on my shoulder. I realize it’s Jase when he says, “Kao, that’s the same as me taking the blame for what happened to Mila.”
I shake my head hard. “I was the one driving.”
“The truck driver caused the accident,” Dad says. “You did everything you could to keep Fallon safe. You took the full brunt of the impact.”
“You’re going to punish yourself by staying blind? That’s bullshit,” Jase grumbles. “You’re putting us all through hell because of misplaced guilt.”
Jase is like a dog with a bone, and it has me admitting, “I can’t face seeing what I’ve done to her.”
A bark of laughter bursts from Jase. “So you’re going to hide from it? Seriously?” His grip on my shoulder tightens, and I feel him lean closer. “I fucking manned up and stood by Mila. I was the one who took her nightmares, her fucking broken body, her agony, and fear. I’m the one who heard her cries, and they will haunt me forever,” he bites out. “But not once did I hide from it. Grow a fucking pair and do the same for Fallon.”
His words knock the breath from my lungs.
Fuck. Jase is right.
He didn’t back down once. He stood by Mila like an indestructible force.
Fuck, I was taking the easy way out, not wanting to face what I did to Fallon. I’m such a fucking coward.
But I still won’t saddle her with my being blind.
“I still can’t be with Fallon,” I admit.
“Why?” Jase demands.
“Even if I go through with the transplant, there’s a chance it won’t work.”
“Ten percent,” Noah argues. “The odds are good you’ll see again. Let’s focus on the positive.”
“Still,” I take a deep breath, trying to breathe through the hell raging inside me, “Too much can go wrong. I won’t tie Fallon down with a disabled man.”
“Let’s deal with that when it happens,” Jase says. “Just be a friend to her until you know for sure. No one’s forcing you to date her.”
Easier said than done. Will I be able to just be a friend to her?
Jase must see something on my face because he continues, “Are you done being an idiot now? Will you have the transplant?”
Knowing I don’t stand a chance against Jase, Noah, and Dad, I nod.
“Thank fuck,” Noah mumbles.
I feel Dad rise to his feet. “So I can tell Dr. Davis to go ahead and schedule the surgery?”
“Yeah,” I mutter.
If the surgery is successful, I’ll just have to face what I’ve done.
Chapter 8
FALLON
Anxiety claws it’s way up my spine as Mom begins to peel back the dressing from my cheek.
My eyes keep darting between the mirror and the counter, not sure whether I can handle seeing th
e cuts. When I see the first glimpse of red, I shut my eyes tightly.
Mom pauses for a moment. “It’s going to be okay. Dr. Menard will remove all the scarring. I’ve seen his work, and he’s really the best.”
I nod and swallow hard as Mom continues to remove the bandage. When she’s done, she wraps her arm around my shoulder and says, “It’s looking so much better already.”
I take a deep breath, and fisting my hands at my sides, I push through the anxiety and open my eyes.
Oh, God.
The ground rips open beneath my feet as my gaze settles on the haphazard red cuts and stitches. I look like something from a horror movie. Random gashes mar my skin all the way from my cheek down to my neck.
Absolute revulsion shudders through me, and I gasp, “Mommy.”
Mom’s hold on me tightens, and she moves between the mirror and me. Her eyes lock on mine, and I see the heartache she feels for me shimmering in them. “Dr. Menard is the best. He’ll make it all go away,” she tries to reassure me.
“I look like a monster,” I cry.
I can’t deal with this.
“Let’s get it cleaned and covered again. Okay?” Mom says, and she hurries through the routine.
My eyes are glued to the mirror. It feels like the woman in me has been cut out of me.
I’m disfigured.
All I can manage are shallow breaths. Mom carefully puts on fresh bandages, and once she’s done, her arms wrap tightly around me. “I promise I’ll make sure every last scar is gone. Okay?”
Stuck in a haze of disgust and shock, I nod.
Even though the cuts are covered, I can still see them clearly. They’re hideous.
I’m ugly.
Bile pushes up my throat, and pulling free from Mom, I rush to the toilet. My body heaves as I vomit from the sight of my face.
Mom’s hand settles on my back as I empty my stomach. Once I sit back, sobs begin to wrack through me.
I’ll never be able to show my face in public.
Mourning the loss of my perfect life, I have no idea how I’ll ever be able to accept living as a disfigured woman.
Woman?
No.
No longer.
I’m nothing more than a monster.
KAO
I get to go home for three days before I have to return for the surgery.
Dad argued that I should give school a break. I know it doesn’t make sense that I return to Trinity because I can’t attend classes. Still, I want to be in my own space. I know exactly where everything is in the suite.
Noah helps me up to the suite. I hear him shut the door behind us, and then Mila says, “Welcome back.” Her arms wrap around me.
When she pulls back, someone else hugs me, then Jade mumbles, “I missed you.”
“Thanks, girls.” I tighten my hold on Noah’s arm. “I’m just going to head to my room.”
Noah leads me down the hallway, and when he shuts the door behind us, I let out a heavy breath.
I recall where everything is and head in the direction of the bed. When I bump into it, Noah says, “We should check how many steps there are between everything. If you memorize it, you should be able to move around better.”
“Okay.” I sit down on the side of the bed.
“One. Two…”
“Are you doing it now?” I ask.
“Might as well,” Noah states, and then he continues to count. “Okay, so there are seven steps between the door and the bed.”
“Got it.”
I hear him move around, and then he says, “Five from the bedside table to the bathroom and then five to the toilet.”
I let out a chuckle. “Got it.”
“From the foot of the bed to your closet is four to the right, then five forward.
“I’m not going to remember it all.”
“We’ll run through it a couple of times. Get up,” Noah orders.
Groaning, I rise to my feet, and we begin to practice walking around the room I’ve been living in the past four years.
I hear the door open. “Look who’s home,” Jase says. All the aggression from the fight is gone, and he sounds like his old self again. “Welcome back.” Then he asks, “What are you doing?”
“I’m helping Kao get used to moving around the room,” Noah explains.
“Need help?”
“Sure,” Noah answers. “Go stand by the bathroom.”
Noah leads me back to the bed. “You’re on the right side of the bed. I’ll be at the walk-in closet.”
“And?” I ask, not sure what they expect me to do.
“It’s five steps to Jase. Let’s see if you can do it,” Noah instructs.
I shrug and take five careful steps. Jase lets out a burst of laughter right by me. “You did it. Fucking awesome.”
“Now it should be six steps to me,” Noah says, sounding a little proud.
I turn to my right and count six steps, but halfway through the sixth one, I walk into Noah, and he instantly grips hold of my arms. “Okay, so it’s five and a half.”
“What are you all doing?” I hear Hunter ask.
“Hey, you’re just in time. Stay right there,” Jase answers him. “Kao’s learning how many steps to take to get around the room.”
Noah turns me in a quarter circle. “Four to the right, seven forward to get to Hunter.”
I don’t feel as unsure as I did when we started this practice and walk a little faster. When I should be standing by Hunter, I ask, “And? Did I do it right?”
“Yeah,” Hunter murmurs, his voice hoarse. “You totally did it. I’m right here.” I feel him take hold of my arm.
“Great, let’s do this again,” Noah orders.
“How many times?” I ask.
“Until you can do it without me having to remind you of how many steps to take.”
I keep practicing the steps until it feels like I’m almost walking normally.
“Now for the rest of the suite,” Noah says, popping my little bubble of pride.
“Are you serious?” I ask. “Can’t we take a break?”
“Nope.”
“You gotta stop popping your ‘p’ like that,” I complain.
“Nope,” the fucker teases me.
“Where do you want us?” Jase asks.
“Jase, you stand at the end of the hallway. Hunter, you take the kitchen.”
Noah guides me into the hallway, then I hear Mila ask, “What are you doing?”
“We’re helping Kao get used to moving around the suite,” Jase fills her in.
“Can I help?”
“Sure,” Noah answers. “You can go stand in the living room.”
“Hold up,” Mila says, and then she calls out, “Jade, Hana, Fallon, get your butts out here.”
Fuck.
“What’s up?” Jade asks.
“Yeah?” I hear Hana.
“Where’s Fallon?” Mila asks.
“She’s… sleeping,” Hana answers. I don’t miss the pause, and it makes me think Fallon might be avoiding me. Not that I can complain. It’s what I wanted.
Still sucks, though.
“Hana, go stand by the front door and Jade, stand in front of Kao’s room.”
When everybody’s taken their positions, Noah walks through the suite with me, counting all the different steps. It feels like hours have passed by the time I have an idea of how far apart everything is.
Before I can head back toward my room, Jase takes hold of my arm. “You need to talk to Fallon.”
I know. It’s unavoidable.
I suck in a deep breath, then nod.
“Fifteen steps to her door,” Jase murmurs.
Reaching to my left so I can feel the wall, I take the fifteen steps. When I feel the door, I glance back to where Jase is.
“Yeah, just knock,” he answers my silent question.
I take a moment to steel myself. It’s going to gut me talking to Fallon, but it has to be done. I knock on the door, and when there�
�s no answer, I say, “Hana said she’s sleeping. I’ll try later again.”
I begin to turn in the direction of my own room when I hear the door open, and her scent drifts to me. Sucking it up, I ask, “Can we talk?”
“Yeah,” she answers softly, her voice sounding broken.
Hearing how she’s hurting sends a wave of pain through my chest.
Knowing the layout of Fallon’s bedroom and that it’s always clean, I take five steps inside, then pause.
I hear her shut the door and feel her move closer to me.
“I’m glad you agreed to have the surgery,” she says, sounding anxious.
Christ, I hate that she’s uncomfortable around me.
When I remain silent, Fallon asks, “What do you want to talk about?”
She sounds exhausted and… raw.
“It can wait until you feel better,” I answer.
She lets out a sigh. “The bed is to your left. Can I help you?”
I reach a hand in her direction, and when her fingers wrap around mine, and I move closer to her, my self-restraint slips, and I almost give in to my need to hold her.
She helps me to the bed, and it serves as a wake-up call. This is precisely what I don’t want for Fallon – her having to look after my grown-ass as if I’m a baby.
I sit down and then try to gather my thoughts.
“It’s been a shit week,” I mutter, not sure how to start this conversation.
“Yeah,” she agrees.
I feel her sit down next to me.
“Do you know when the surgery will be?” Fallon asks.
“Thursday.” Leaning forward, I rest my forearms on my thighs and clasp my hands together. “I’m sorry.”
I’m so fucking sorry.
“You have a lot to deal with,” she excuses my behavior.
Shaking my head, I suck in a deep breath, and then I ask the question I’ve been dreading, “Can we go back to being friends?”
I hear her swallow. “What do you mean?”
Fuck, this is hard.
“Just friends, Fallon. Nothing more.” The words weigh a ton. It’s filled with remorse, heartache, and loss. I know she’ll keep fighting for us if I don’t force her to walk away from me, and it has me lying, “It’s not like we dated. We weren’t in a relationship. We’re just going back to the way things were.”
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