Uniting the Souls

by Annabella Michaels

  “I’m glad. I feel horrible about what they’ve gone through,” I said.

  “You said your story was similar to theirs?” Hudson asked.

  “Yes, very much so. I suppose that’s what brought everything rushing back. I can usually separate myself from the kids’ stories; I have to in order to be capable of doing my job, but theirs was just so much like mine that it took me right back to that place and time that I’d fought so hard to forget.” I let go of their hands long enough to grab my water and take another drink, then I reached for them once again and they came willingly.

  “My mom died when I was ten years old. She worked at a local clothing store and Dad worked in construction. They got along for the most part, but then there were a few times when I’d wake up to a sound in the middle of the night. I’d lie in bed and hear them arguing. They could get pretty loud and, sometimes, I would hear something that sounded like a slap and then Mom crying. It always scared me because I couldn’t understand what was happening or why they were fighting because they never acted that way in front of us. I used to worry that they’d get a divorce like my friend Toby’s parents. I quickly learned that there were worse things than divorce.” Matt put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me towards him, kissing the side of my head. I closed my eyes and let him comfort me for a moment before I continued.

  “They’d been fighting a lot more than usual, waking me nearly every night with their shouting. One morning, I came down for breakfast and Mom had her arm wrapped in a sling. Her bottom lip was swollen and she looked like she’d been crying. I gave her a hug, but it only made her cry harder. She told me to hurry because the school bus would be there to pick me up soon. I told her I loved her right before I ran out the door. That was the last time I saw her alive.” I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat.

  “She swallowed an entire bottle of pills while we were at school and Dad was at work. By the time we got home, my mom was long gone. I’ve always wondered if there was something I could’ve done to try and help her, to stop her before she took her own life,” I whispered sadly.

  “You were only ten years old, just a child. There was nothing you could’ve done,” Hudson told me. I looked at him, wanting to believe that, but I wasn’t sure I could.

  “Neither of my parents had sisters or brothers and both were estranged from my grandparents who hadn’t approved of them getting married right out of high school. They never really made any friends outside of work so there was no one around to see my father falling apart after Mom died or to help us when he became someone we no longer recognized,” I said bitterly.

  “Us?” Hudson asked.

  “Me and my brother, Zane,” I answered. I felt a sharp pain in my chest when I spoke my brother’s name out loud for the first time in years. “Zane was a year older than me and I worshiped the ground he walked on. He was funny, played all kinds of sports, and had tons of friends. He was big and strong and everything I wasn’t, but he always let me tag along wherever he went.

  “Things started to change right after the funeral. Dad went to bed that afternoon and didn’t come back out of his room for over a week. Zane and I took turns bringing him food and trying to get him to come out of his room, but he refused to eat and he wouldn’t say anything; he just lay there, staring at the ceiling. We were young boys who had just lost our mother, it would’ve been nice to be able to lean on our dad during that time, but we ended up having to take care of him instead and so we leaned on each other.” A cold chill went up my spine as I pictured what happened next.

  “A little over a week after we buried our mother, Zane and I were in the kitchen, eating cereal for dinner. We were running out of food and we were talking about how we would need to go to the store if Dad didn’t come out of his room soon. I told Zane that I was hungry for mashed potatoes and he said that he would get the stuff and try to make me some, but he knew they wouldn’t be as good as Mom’s. We didn’t know that Dad had come out and was standing in the hall listening. When he heard Zane say Mom’s name, it must’ve set something off in him because he flew into a rage. Dad came storming into the room and slapped Zane across the face, hard enough to leave a handprint. He told us that we were never to speak our mother’s name again.” Matt squeezed me tighter and Hudson tightened his grip on my hand.

  “We couldn’t understand what was happening; Dad had never raised a hand to us before. I’d heard him fighting with Mom several times, but he’d always been a pretty good dad to us. It was as if he’d gone into his room as one person and come out a totally different one,” I explained.

  “It sounds like he had a complete mental breakdown. If that were the case then he really wasn’t himself anymore,” Hudson murmured.

  “Yeah, we basically lost both of our parents on the same day,” I whispered. “Dad was never the same after that. He started drinking all the time and the more he drank, the meaner he got. We tried to avoid him as much as possible when he was like that, but the smallest things would set him off and eventually we were getting hit nearly every day. Zane was bigger than me and he would always try to protect me, often taking the brunt of our dad’s anger.” I winced at the memory of all the bruises and broken bones my brother had endured so that I wouldn’t have to.

  “It went on that way for years, but despite everything going on at home, Zane continued to excel at sports. He pushed me to keep my grades up, telling me that if I did that, that maybe we both would get scholarships and could go to college and get away from Dad. We kept that as our goal and both of us worked hard to reach it. Zane was my best friend, he was the only one who knew the ugly truth of what was happening inside our home. The only thing he didn’t know was that I was gay.”

  “You didn’t think he’d understand?” Matt asked gently. I shook my head vigorously.

  “It wasn’t that. I knew Zane loved me no matter what and he wouldn’t have cared if his little brother was gay. The problem once again was our father. Like I said, he was mean all the time after Mom died, but especially when he was drunk. He loved to call us names while he beat us, anything he could think of to belittle us and try to break our spirits. His favorite name to call us was faggot and he said it with so much loathing and disgust that when I was fourteen and started to realize I was gay, I knew I would have to keep it hidden or he’d kill me. I didn’t tell Zane for two reasons; I couldn’t risk Dad overhearing me talking about it, and we had so many secrets we were already carrying, I didn’t want to add one more to Zane’s load.”

  “Still, it had to be so hard to hide such a huge part of who you were,” Hudson said, sounding sad.

  “It wasn’t all that hard,” I told him with a shrug. “I didn’t have a normal life so it wasn’t like I was bringing anyone home or going out on dates. I was required to come home every day straight after school so there were no opportunities for me to meet anyone. Zane was only permitted to continue sports because the athletic director called and begged Dad and, of course, my father agreed because he couldn’t very well let on that he wanted his kids home so he could pound on them.” I had trouble holding back the anger in my tone.

  “Things continued that way for a long time. Dad kept drinking and hitting us, he eventually lost his job because he’d called in too many times when he was too hung over to make it in. He told Zane and me we would have to get jobs then and, luckily, we both got hired on at the nearby pizza place. It was hard. We were both going to school all day, Zane had practices or games nearly every day, we had homework to keep up with and then suddenly we were expected to hold down a job that didn’t end until one in the morning. We were exhausted, but somehow, we managed to hold it together and the job got us out of the house and away from Dad more so that was a plus.

  “It somehow got even worse once Dad quit working. I suppose sitting around the house all day gave him more time to dwell on the past, to drink, and to think up ways he could show his hatred towards us. Dad started getting creative then, waiting until we were fast asleep to come in our
rooms and attack or catching us as soon as we stepped out of the shower, naked and defenseless. He was a monster who, even in his rage, would be sure not to leave any marks where someone might see.

  “One night when I was around sixteen, Zane and I were both asleep in our rooms. I woke up to the sound of Zane screaming and my father shouting vile names at him. There was a loud thumping sound and I wasn’t sure what it was until he came into my room next with a baseball bat.” Matt sucked in a sharp breath and buried his face in my neck. I could feel him shaking next to me and I knew how hard it had to be for him and Hudson to hear. If anyone ever laid a hand on one of my guys, I’d want to rip them to shreds.

  “When it was over and Dad had slunk away somewhere and passed out, Zane came into my room and crawled into bed with me. He was breathing funny and I worried that he had a broken rib, but he was more concerned about me. He made me promise that night that if things ever got that bad again that I’d run. I told him no, that I didn’t want to ever leave him, but he wouldn’t let up until I promised. Zane was getting upset which was making it even harder for him to breathe so I agreed just so he’d settle down. I promised him that if Dad ever started to beat us as bad as he had that night that I would get away, that I’d run and not look back until I was somewhere safe.”

  Tears ran down my face as I pictured the look of relief on Zane’s face when I made that promise. “It was like as long as he knew I would be safe, then he didn’t care what happened to him. That thought had scared me and I’d told him that he needed to promise me the same thing, but he’d passed out from exhaustion and all the pain and horrors of the night.

  “Months went by and the beatings continued, but they never got as bad as that night. Zane turned eighteen and graduated from high school. I was terrified that I would be left alone with Dad, but Zane stayed there. He said he’d talked to the college who had offered him a full ride if he played soccer for them and they were willing to wait a year for him. I was so relieved, but at the same time, I felt guilty knowing that he could have been free of Dad, but instead, he stayed there for me. I had turned seventeen and was a senior. We were able to hide some of our pizza delivery tips from Dad and had set that aside so that as soon as I graduated we could get an apartment together somewhere near the college and then start there together in the fall. We never made it that far.” Hudson pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped it around me as I began to shake.

  “Do you need to stop, baby?” he asked. I could see how worried they both were, but I needed to get this over with so I shook my head no.

  “One day we were all at home. There was no school that day because of some stupid teacher in-service something or other and our boss said it was slow at work and he didn’t need us. Dad had been in his room, sleeping off the bender from the night before. Zane and I were cleaning the house and trying to be as quiet as we could so we wouldn’t wake our father. Zane was washing the dishes while I dried them. He handed me a plate and before I could stop it, it slipped from my fingers and crashed to the floor.” I closed my eyes, remembering the look of horror that had crossed Zane’s face.

  “Zane grabbed my arm and we started to run towards the back door. I opened the door and looked back when I felt Zane being yanked backwards by our father. Dad’s face was purple, mottled with rage and he threw Zane down on the floor. He began beating him and Zane tried to crawl away. I jumped on Dad’s back and hit him over and over, trying to get him to let go of my brother. It was the first time I’d ever fought back and I was terrified, but I had to do something to help Zane. Dad threw me off him and I hit my head so hard on the counter that I saw stars.

  “I was dizzy and seeing double of everything. I saw Dad sitting on top of Zane and punching him in the face over and over again. I remember being surprised, because Dad had never hit us anywhere that people could see, and that’s when I realized that he didn’t plan on stopping that time. He was going to kill Zane.” A sob burst from my chest as I relived that terrible moment.

  “Zane was barely conscious, but he managed to find me. His eyes had always been the same shape and bright blue as mine, but when he looked at me then, they were dull, like he was barely hanging on. ‘Run!’ he screamed at me, but I shook my head no. I couldn’t leave him. I managed to get to my feet and I jumped on Dad’s back again, hitting and flailing at him with everything I had, but nothing I did seemed to make a difference. ‘You promised, now run!’ Zane shouted at me, and then Dad hit him one more time straight in the face. I heard the crack of his nose and teeth and blood went flying.” I was sobbing hard then and I wasn’t even sure Hudson and Matt could make sense of what I was saying, but I kept talking anyway, needing to purge myself of every last detail.

  “Zane stopped moving and there was so much blood. I tried to get to him, to see if he was breathing, but Dad turned on me then and his eyes were black and soulless. He reached for me and I scrambled off his back and towards the door. I looked back at Zane who still hadn’t moved and then at my father who had murder in his eyes and I knew it was over. Zane was gone and there was nothing I could do for him, nothing except keep my promise to him. So, I ran. I ran and I ran and I kept going until I was far away from our house and I knew my father couldn’t find me.

  “I had no idea where to go and I had nothing on me but the clothes I was wearing and the little bit of money I had in my pocket. I made it to a bus station and took a bus as far as my money would get me. I didn’t care where that was because at that point, anywhere was safer than home. I ended up in Chicago and I wandered around the streets, trying to figure out what to do. I was terrified. I was seventeen with no money, no friends and I’d just watched my father kill my brother. It was cold out and getting dark. I knew I’d need to find a place to sleep soon and then I walked around a corner and saw a building, all lit up. The sign over the door said Agape House—A safe place to call home. I had no idea if they would have room for me or if they’d call the police and send me back to my father, but I was desperate so I went inside.” I turned to Matt who had tears streaming down his own face.

  “You walked up to me that night and used that same soothing voice you use to put all the new kids at ease and I started crying. I couldn’t tell you anything that had happened because I was afraid of being sent back to my dad, but I immediately felt safe with you and that was better than anything I could’ve asked for right then,” I told him.

  “What happened with your father?” Hudson asked in a strained voice. He looked angrier than I had ever seen him before, but I could tell he was trying to rein it in. “I’m assuming CPS would’ve tracked him down and found out what he’d done.”

  “I don’t know, I never saw him again and frankly I was just relieved to be able to stay at the center and never go back to that hell again,” I stated honestly. Hudson looked across me to Matt who was staring down at his hands. Matt looked up at us and I could see the defiance in his eyes.

  “I never called them, okay?” he said defensively. “I never called CPS. I knew I should, I knew I was required by law and could lose my license for it.” His eyes flickered to mine and softened. “But there was something about you, something special. I hadn’t allowed myself to feel anything since Sean died, but I felt a connection with you. Maybe I was able to sense that you’d suffered a great loss just like I had, I don’t know how to explain it. I just knew that you were different and that whatever had sent you running to me wasn’t something you could ever go back to. So, I didn’t call CPS. I kept you off the books and I told everyone that you were already eighteen.”

  “Is that why you always asked me to help out in the office?” I asked.

  “That was part of the reason. I had to convince everyone that I’d hired you even though you weren’t finished with high school. I’d let other employees stay there before if they needed it so at least I didn’t have to make up a story about why you were living there. The other reason was that I just liked being around you. You were always so sweet and kind. You made m
e happy and I hadn’t felt that way in a very long time,” Matt admitted. I couldn’t help myself, I pounced on him, thanking him in between every kiss that I planted on his face.

  “I knew that you had saved me by letting me stay there, but I had no idea the trouble you’d gone through to do it. I owe you my life, literally, because I know that if I’d been sent back, I wouldn’t be here today,” I told him. Matt smiled at me then glanced nervously at Hudson.

  “The laws are in place to try and keep everyone safe, but sometimes there are situations where we just have to go with our guts. That’s what you did, Matt, and it was the right thing to do,” Hudson assured him and I watched Matt’s shoulders relax.

  “I miss Zane so much and I feel horrible that I tried to push him out of my mind for so long,” I whispered.

  Hudson placed a finger under my chin and lifted my face to his. “Our minds can only deal with so much before something has to give. You had to push it all aside so that you could pick yourself back up and move on. You tried to save Zane, and when you couldn’t, you kept your promise to him and saved yourself. There’s absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about and I’m pretty sure if Zane were here, he’d tell you how proud he is of you and how you’ve turned out.” Fresh tears started to flow and they both wrapped me up between them and held me while I cried.

  A little while later, Hudson carried me up to bed and him and Matt crawled in on either side of me. We lay there in the dark, just listening to each other breathe, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

  “I know the one boy is too young to be at the center for long, but please, promise me that we’ll do everything we can to keep them together. I couldn’t stand it if those two brothers were separated,” I whispered.

  Matt kissed the side of my neck. “I promise you, we’ll figure something out. I’ll make sure they’ll get to stay together.”