Old Man's War

by John Scalzi

  Jesse tugged on my sleeve and pointed to our right. In a small mess area, I caught a glimpse of something tentacled and blue, holding a martini. I alerted Harry; he was so intrigued that he went back and looked, much to the consternation of the trailing apparatchik. She shooed Harry back into the herd with a sour look on her face. Harry, on the other hand, was grinning like a fool. “A Gehaar,” he said. “It was eating a buffalo wing when I looked in. Disgusting.” Then he giggled. The Gehaar were one of the first intelligent aliens humans encountered, in the days before the Colonial Union established its monopoly on space travel. Nice enough people, but they ate by injecting their food with acid from dozens of thin head tentacles and then noisily slurping the resulting goop into an orifice. Messy.

  Harry didn’t care. He’d spotted his first live alien.

  Our meander reached its conclusion as we approached a holding bay with the words “Henry Hudson/CDF Recruits” glowing from a flight display. Our group gratefully took seats while our apparatchiks went to talk with some other Colonials waiting by the shuttle gate door. Harry, who was clearly showing a tendency toward curiosity, wandered over to the bay window to look at our ship. Jesse and I wearily got up and followed him. A small informational monitor at the window helped us find it among the other traffic.

  The Henry Hudson was not actually docked at the gate, of course; it’s hard to make a hundred-thousand-metric-ton interstellar spacecraft move daintily in tandem with a revolving space station. As with the colony transports, it maintained a reasonable distance while supplies, passengers and crew were transported back and forth by rather more manageable shuttles and barges. The Hudson itself was stationed a few miles out and above the station, not the massive, unesthetically functional spoked-wheel design of the colony transports, but sleeker, flatter and, importantly, not at all cylindrical or wheel-shaped. I mentioned this to Harry, who nodded. “Full-time artificial gravity,” he said. “And stable over a large field. Very impressive.”

  “I thought we were using artificial gravity on the way up,” Jesse said.

  “We were,” Harry said. “The beanstalk platform’s gravity generators were increasing their output the higher up we went.”

  “So what’s so different about a spaceship using artificial gravity?” Jesse asked.

  “It’s just extremely difficult,” Harry said. “It takes an enormous amount of energy to create a gravitational field, and the amount of energy you have to put out increases exponentially with the radius of the field. They probably cheated by creating multiple, smaller fields instead of one larger field. But even that way, creating the fields in our beanstalk platform probably took more energy than it took to light your hometown for a month.”

  “I don’t know about that,” Jesse said. “I’m from San Antonio.”

  “Fine. His hometown, then,” Harry said, jerking a thumb toward me. “Point is, it’s an incredibly wasteful use of energy, and in most situations where artificial gravity is required, it’s simpler and much less expensive just to create a wheel, spin it and let that stick people and things to the inside rim. Once you’ve spun up, you only need to put minimal additional energy into the system to compensate for friction. As opposed to creating an artificial gravity field, which needs a constant and significant output of energy.”

  He pointed to the Henry Hudson. “Look, there’s a shuttle next to the Hudson. Using that as a scale, I’m guessing the Hudson is 800 feet long, 200 feet wide and about 150 feet deep. Creating a single artificial gravity field around that baby would definitely dim the lights in San Antonio. Even multiple fields would be an amazing drain on power. So either they have a power source that can keep the gravity on and still run all the ship’s other systems, like propulsion and life support, or they’ve found a new, low-energy way to create gravity.”

  “It’s probably not cheap,” I said, and pointed to a colony transport to the right of the Henry Hudson. “Look at the colony ship. It’s a wheel. And Colonial Station is spinning, too.”

  “The colonies are saving their best technology for the military,” Jesse said. “And this ship is just being used to pick up new recruits. I think you’re right, Harry. We have no idea what we’ve gotten ourselves into.”

  Harry grinned, and turned back to look at the Henry Hudson, lazily circling as Colonial Station turned. “I love it when people come around to my way of thinking.”

  Our apparatchiks presently herded us up again and got us in line to board the shuttle. We presented our identity cards to the CU official at the shuttle gate, who entered us on a list while a counterpart presented us with a personal data assistant. “Thanks for being on Earth, here’s a lovely parting gift,” I said to him. He didn’t seem to get it.

  The shuttles did not come equipped with artificial gravity. Our apparatchiks harnessed us in and warned us that under no circumstances were we to try to unlock ourselves; to make sure that the more claustrophobic of us didn’t do just that, the locks on the harnesses would not be under our control during the flight. So that solved that problem. The apparatchiks also passed out plastic hairnets to anyone with hair long enough to warrant them; in free fall, long hair apparently goes everywhere.

  If anyone felt nauseated, we were told, they were to use the vomit bags in the side pocket of their seats. Our apparatchiks stressed the importance of not waiting until the last second to use the vomit bags. In weightlessness, vomit would float around and irritate the other passengers, making the original vomiter very unpopular for the rest of the flight and possibly the rest of his or her military career. This was followed by a rustling sound as several of our number readied themselves. The woman next to me clutched her vomit bag tightly. I mentally prepared myself for the worst.

  There was no vomit, thankfully, and the ride to the Henry Hudson was pretty smooth; after the initial shit, I’m falling signal my brain shot out when the gravity gave way, it was more like a gentle, extended roller-coaster ride. We made it to the ship in about five minutes; there was a minute or two of docking negotiations as a shuttle bay door irised open, accepted the shuttle, and closed again. This was followed by another few minutes of waiting as air was pumped back into the bay. Then a slight tingle, and the sudden reappearance of weight; the artificial gravity had kicked in.

  The shuttle bay door opened and a wholly new apparatchik appeared. “Welcome to the CDFS Henry Hudson,” she said. “Please unlatch yourselves, gather your belongings, and follow the lighted path out of the shuttle bay. The air will be pumped out of this bay in precisely seven minutes—to launch this shuttle and allow another shuttle to dock—so please be quick.”

  We were all surprisingly quick.

  We were then led to the massive Henry Hudson mess hall, where we were invited to have some coffee and donuts and to relax. An official would be along to explain things. While we were waiting, the mess hall had begun to fill up with other recruits who had presumably boarded before us; after an hour there were hundreds of us milling about. I had never seen so many old people in one place at one time. Neither had Harry. “It’s like Wednesday morning at the world’s biggest Denny’s,” he said, and then got himself more coffee.

  Just about the time that my bladder was informing me that I had overdone it with the coffee, a distinguished-looking gentleman in Colonial diplomatic blues entered the mess hall and made his way toward the front of the room. The noise level in the room began to subside; you could tell that people were relieved that someone was finally there to tell them what the hell was going on.

  The man stood there for a few minutes until the room was silent. “Greetings,” he said, and we all jumped. He must have had a body mike; his voice was coming through speakers in the wall. “I’m Sam Campbell, Colonial Union adjunct for the Colonial Defense Forces. Although technically speaking I am not a member of the Colonial Defense Forces, I have been empowered by the CDF to manage your orientation on its behalf, so for the next few days, you can consider me your superior officer. Now, I know many of you have just arrived on th
e last shuttle and are anxious to get some rest; others have been on ship for up to a day and are equally anxious to know what comes next. For the sake of both groups, I will be brief.

  “In about an hour, the CDFS Henry Hudson will break orbit and ready for her initial skip to the Phoenix system, where we stop briefly to pick up additional supplies before we head to Beta Pyxis III, where you will begin your training. Don’t worry, I don’t expect any of this to mean anything to you now. What you need to know is that it will take us a little more than two days to get to our initial skip point, and during that time, you will be undergoing a series of mental and physical evaluations at the hands of my staff. Your schedule is now being downloaded into your PDA. Please review it at your convenience. Your PDA can also direct you to every place you need to go, so you should never worry about getting lost. Those of you who have just arrived on the Henry Hudson will also find your stateroom assignments on your PDA.

  “Other than finding your way to your staterooms, nothing is expected of you this evening. Many of you have been traveling for quite a while, and we want you to be rested for tomorrow’s evaluations. Speaking of which, now is a good time to get you onto ship’s time, which is on Colonial Universal Standard Time. It is now”—he checked his watch—“2138 Colonial. Your PDA is set for ship time. Your day begins tomorrow with breakfast mess from 0600 to 0730, followed by a physical evaluation and enhancement. Breakfast mess is not mandatory—you’re not on military schedule yet—but you’ll be having a long day tomorrow, so I do strongly suggest you attend.

  “If you have any questions, your PDA can port into the Henry Hudson information system and use the AI interface to assist you; just use your stylus to write the question or speak it into your PDA’s microphone. You will also find Colonial Union staff on each stateroom deck; please don’t hesitate to ask them for assistance. Based on your personal information, our medical staff is already aware of any issues or needs you may have, and may have made appointments to see you this evening in your staterooms. Check your PDA. You may also visit sick bay at your convenience. This mess hall will be open all night tonight, but will begin normal operating hours as of tomorrow. Again, check your PDA for times and menus. Finally, as of tomorrow you should all be wearing CDF recruit gear; it is now being delivered to your staterooms.”

  Campbell stopped for a second and gave us all what I think he thought was a significant stare. “On behalf of the Colonial Union and the Colonial Defense Forces, I welcome you as new citizens and our newest defenders. God bless you all and keep you safe in what’s to come.

  “Incidentally, if you want to watch while we break orbit, we will be porting the video into our observation deck theater. The theater is quite large and can accommodate all recruits, so don’t worry about seating. The Henry Hudson makes excellent speed, so by breakfast tomorrow the Earth will be a very small disk, and by dinner, nothing more than a bright point in the sky. This will probably be your last chance to see what was your homeworld. If that means something to you, I suggest you drop by.”

  “So, how is your new roommate?” Harry asked me, taking the seat next to me in the observation deck theater.

  “I really don’t want to talk about it,” I said. I had used my PDA to navigate to my stateroom, where I found my roommate already stowing his belongings: Leon Deak. He glanced over, said, “Oh, look, it’s the Bible freak,” and then studiously ignored me, which took some doing in a room that was ten by ten. Leon had already taken the bottom bunk (which, to seventy-five-year-old knees at least, is the desirable bunk); I threw my carry-on onto the top bunk, took my PDA and went to get Jesse, who was on the same deck. Her roommate, a nice lady by the name of Maggie, bowed out of watching the Henry Hudson break orbit. I told Jesse who my roommate was; she just laughed.

  She laughed again when she related the story to Harry, who sympathetically patted me on the shoulder. “Don’t feel too bad. It’s only until we get to Beta Pyxis.”

  “Wherever that is,” I said. “How is your roommate?”

  “I couldn’t tell you,” Harry said. “He was already asleep when I got there. Took the bottom bunk, too, the bastard.”

  “My roommate was simply lovely,” Jesse said. “She offered me a homemade cookie when I met her. Said her granddaughter had made them as a going-away gift.”

  “She didn’t offer me a cookie,” I said.

  “Well, she doesn’t have to live with you, now does she.”

  “How was the cookie?” Harry asked.

  “It was like an oatmeal rock,” Jesse said. “But that’s not the point. The point is, I have the best roommate of us all. I’m special. Look, there’s the Earth.” She pointed as the theater’s tremendous video screen flickered to life. The Earth hung there in astounding fidelity; whoever built the video screen had done a bang-up job.

  “I wish I had this screen in my living room,” Harry said. “I’d have had the most popular Super Bowl parties on the block.”

  “Just look at it,” I said. “All our lives, it’s the only place we’ve ever been. Everyone we ever knew or loved was there. And now we’re leaving it. Doesn’t that make you feel something?”

  “Excited,” Jesse said. “And sad. But not too sad.”

  “Definitely not too sad,” Harry said. “There was nothing left to do there but get older and die.”

  “You can still die, you know,” I said. “You are joining the military.”

  “Yeah, but I’m not going to die old,” Harry said. “I’m going to have a second chance to die young and leave a beautiful corpse. It makes up for missing out on it the first time.”

  “You’re just a romantic that way,” Jesse said, deadpan.

  “Damn right,” Harry said.

  “Listen,” I said. “We’ve begun pulling out.”

  The speakers of the theater broadcast the chatter between the Henry Hudson and Colonial Station as they negotiated the terms of the Henry Hudson’s departure. Then came a low thrum and the slightest of vibrations, which we could barely feel through our seats.

  “Engines,” Harry said. Jesse and I nodded.

  And then the Earth slowly began to shrink in the video screen, still massive, and still brilliant blue and white, but clearly, inexorably, beginning to take up a smaller portion of the screen. We silently watched it shrink, all of the several hundred recruits who came to look. I looked over to Harry, who, despite his earlier blustering, was quiet and reflective. Jesse had a tear on her cheek.

  “Hey,” I said, and gripped her hand. “Not too sad, remember?”

  She smiled at me and gripped my hand. “No,” she said hoarsely. “Not too sad. But even still. Even still.”

  We sat there some more and watched everything we ever knew shrink in the viewscreen.

  I had my PDA set to wake me up at 0600, which it did by gently piping music through its little speakers and gradually increasing the volume until I woke. I turned off the music, quietly lowered myself off the top bunk and then rooted for a towel in the wardrobe, flicking on the small light in the wardrobe to see. In the wardrobe hung my and Leon’s recruit suits: two sets each of Colonial light blue sweat tops and bottoms, two light blue T-shirts, two pairs blue chino-style drawstring pants, two pairs white socks and briefs-style underwear, and blue sneakers. Apparently we’d have no need for formal dress between now and Beta Pyxis. I slipped on a pair of sweat bottoms and a T-shirt, grabbed one of the towels that was also hanging in the wardrobe, and padded down the hall for a shower.

  When I returned, the lights were glowing on full but Leon was still in his bunk—the lights must have come on automatically. I put a sweat top over my T-shirt and added socks and sneakers to my ensemble; I was ready to jog or, well, whatever else I had to do that day. Now for some breakfast. On the way out, I gave Leon a little nudge. He was a schmuck, but even schmucks might not want to sleep through food. I asked him if he wanted to get some breakfast.

  “What?” he said, groggily. “No. Leave me alone.”

  “You sure, Le
on?” I asked. “You know what they say about breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day, and all that. Come on. You need your energy.”

  Leon actually growled. “My mother’s been dead for thirty years and as far I know, she hasn’t been brought back in your body. So get the hell out of here and let me sleep.”

  It was nice to see Leon hadn’t gone soft on me. “Fine,” I said. “I’ll be back after breakfast.”

  Leon grunted and rolled back over. I went to breakfast.

  Breakfast was amazing, and I say that having been married to a woman who could make a breakfast spread that would have made Gandhi stop a fast. I had two Belgian waffles that were golden, crisp and light, wallowing in powdered sugar and syrup that tasted like real Vermont maple (and if you think you can’t tell when you have Vermont maple syrup, you’ve never had it) and with a scoop of creamery butter that was artfully melting to fill the deep wells of the waffle squares. Add over-easy eggs that were actually over easy, four slices of thick, brown sugar–cured bacon, orange juice from fruit that apparently hadn’t realized it had been squeezed, and a mug of coffee that was fresh off the burro.

  I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Since I was now officially legally dead on Earth and flying across the solar system in a spaceship, I guess I wasn’t too far off.

  “Oh my,” the fellow I sat next to at breakfast said, as I put down my fully-loaded tray. “Look at all the fats on that tray. You’re asking for a coronary. I’m a doctor, I know.”