Desperate

by Evans, A. K.

  After giving me a few minutes to enjoy him, Dom pulled himself from my mouth and sheathed himself. I fell to my back on the couch as he hovered over me.

  “Guide me in, sugar,” he instructed.

  I did as he asked and before I had a chance to think about it, Dom had filled me. My legs wrapped around him instantly, my need to keep him close taking over. As Dom began to thrust his hips, I lifted mine to meet his. No sooner did we get into a steady rhythm and I was so close to orgasm when Dom pulled out and shifted on the couch. Dom was seated and pulled me over him. My thighs were straddling his and I began quickly lifting and lowering my hips over his, desperately trying to find my release.

  When Dom could no longer stand to have me in control, he held my hips in his hands and relentlessly powered himself into me.

  “Yes, Dom.”

  The look in his eyes, the force of his thrusts, and the feel of his hands on my body sent me over the edge. My body tensed over his, pleasure coursing through every nerve inside me. I hadn’t gotten through my orgasm when Dom found his release, holding my body firmly in place, as he called out, “Fuck, Ekko.”

  A few minutes after we came together, I framed Dom’s face with my hands and pressed a kiss to his lips. When I pulled back, I said, “I don’t care that I lost. This has been the best day of my life.”

  Dom’s hand caressed my bottom. “I didn’t win.”

  I jerked my head back from his. “What?”

  “The number one rule in a situation like that is to never allow yourself to become distracted. You cleverly took advantage of my weakness for your sweet, little body and I succumbed. You won this battle, sugar.”

  “I guess I did, but I get the feeling you still believe you were handsomely rewarded.”

  He laughed and kissed the tip of my nose.

  “Lift up. I want to get this condom off so I can give you your gift.”

  “Wait!” I cried. “I want you to know that I didn’t have a lot of money to spend, but that I wanted to do something special for you for Christmas. So, while what I did this morning was so much fun, I didn’t feel like it was enough to show you what you mean to me. I don’t have another gift for you to open, but I want us to take a trip one day to soon to Grand Teton National Park. You’ve taught me over the last few months that material things really don’t matter. It’s how we choose to live our life that counts. I want to spend a day exploring a place that’s been in my backyard my whole life that I’ve never been able to visit. And I want to do that with someone who’s made my life so much better from the moment he’s been in it.”

  “I’ll go anywhere with you, Ekko. Anywhere you want, anytime you want.”

  I smiled at him, kissed him, and lifted my body from his. Then, I prepared myself to continue having the best day ever. Dom and I cleaned up the darts that were all over his house, had breakfast together, and he gave me my gift. He’d gotten me a laptop. Knowing that I was preparing to start school again, he didn’t want me having to go back to the library just so I could do my schoolwork. I was so grateful for him and the effort he put into getting something so thoughtful.

  We spent the rest of our afternoon and evening with his family before we went back to his place for the remainder of the night.

  And when I went to bed that night, I never expected that my good luck streak was about to end.

  Three words.

  I’d just heard the three words that had the power to change my entire life.

  It was Wednesday, just over two weeks after Christmas. I had been working every day at the library and had started school again on Monday. I was attending classes in the evening and, even though I had long days, I was so happy to finally be working toward my goal.

  Dom and I had gotten back into our work routines. Now that school had started for me, I had a feeling our time together would be even less. I tried not to let it get me down, though, because I knew this would be a short-lived hiccup and that there was an end in sight.

  And everything had been going great until tonight.

  Tonight, when I heard those three words.

  “I’m sorry, Ekko.”

  Words that could have only meant bad news was to follow.

  I left work at five o’clock and because it was my night off from school, I took advantage. I had scheduled a doctor’s appointment. I’d gone through another excruciatingly painful period and decided to get checked out since I finally had health benefits.

  My doctor noticed the trepidation in my features in response to her apology and explained, “I think you might have endometriosis.”

  I had heard the term before but didn’t really know much about it.

  “What does that mean?”

  She gave me a sympathetic look. “Essentially, the lining that typically grows inside a woman’s uterus every month doesn’t just happen inside your uterus. The tissue can attach to the outside of the uterus, your ovaries, fallopian tubes, and other internal parts.”

  Even though I was a bit relieved to know that there was an explanation for my extreme pain, none of this sounded good.

  “Okay, so you said you think I might have it. How do we confirm and what does this ultimately mean for me moving forward? Am I just going to have painful periods from now on?”

  “There’s a concrete answer for one of those questions, but the other two aren’t so simple. Based on the things you’ve told me today about your symptoms and the pelvic exam I did, I’m confident there’s some level of endo, but I don’t know yet how severe. To see the extent of it, we’d need to do a bit more testing. Now, you’ve said you’re experiencing the sometimes-debilitating pain a few days prior to your period and then in those first few days after getting it along with excessive bleeding. Luckily, you aren’t having the pain during or after sex or with bowel movements and urination. There are some things you can do to help, but it’s going to be a matter of trial and error. What works for one woman may not work for another.”

  My schedule was tight right now, but the pain I experienced sometimes was enough to take me down for the count for a couple of days. If there were things I could do that would help, I was up to trying them.

  “I’m willing to do what I can to make it better,” I assured her.

  She offered a genuine smile and praised, “That’s great. There are lots of options that I’m happy to discuss with you. In addition, we can discuss your plans for a family.”

  A family?

  “What?” My voice was barely a whisper. “Does this mean I won’t be able to have any children?”

  “A large majority of the women diagnosed with endometriosis only end up finding out that they have it because they’re experiencing issues with infertility. It is then that they get diagnosed with endo. It’s not impossible to get pregnant, but it can be very difficult.”

  My gaze went to my hands in my lap. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. For as long as I could remember I always wanted a large family. In the last few months, my desire for one had grown.

  And Dom. As one of five children, he wanted lots of babies. What if we stayed together and I couldn’t give them to him? I wouldn’t do that to Dom. I loved him too much to take that away from him. No matter how desperately I loved him and wanted to be with him, I would never allow myself to take away his dream. My bad fortune didn’t have to become his.

  “Ekko?” the doctor called, pulling me out of my thoughts. When I brought my eyes back to hers, she explained, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet. We can set up the appointments before you leave to get the additional tests done and confirm the severity of your diagnosis. Then, we’ll work together to come up with the best options to pursue so that you can still have everything you want in life.”

  I was too stunned, too hurt, to speak so I simply nodded.

  “I’ll step out so you can get dressed. Come out when you’re ready. I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to worry too much just yet. If you have any questions for me between now and your next appoin
tment, don’t hesitate to reach out to me, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  At that, the doctor left the room and I sat there in stunned silence for a few minutes. I knew she told me not to get ahead of myself, but a lifetime of disappointments and struggles led me to believe that the outlook was grim.

  I hopped down off the examination table, removed the gown, and got dressed.

  When I scheduled this appointment, I had done so because I was overdue and because I was hoping for an explanation as to why I was having such severe pain every month. I never expected to hear what I did today and now I wasn’t so sure if I’d have rather lived in oblivion.

  After seeing my doctor just outside the examination room, I explained that I needed some time to process everything, but that I’d call next week to schedule the follow-up appointments. She urged me to get on the schedule since it would be several weeks before I’d be able to get in for the additional testing anyway. I went ahead and scheduled, but truthfully was relieved I had time. I wanted to take a few days to myself to figure out what I was going to do with what I’d just learned.

  It seemed as though I would have the time, too. Since I needed to keep my school and work schedule in mind, I could only make an appointment for a Wednesday when I got out of work. This meant I couldn’t get an appointment for nearly five weeks, but I didn’t really mind. Delaying the onslaught of more bad news was completely fine with me.

  Wednesday evenings had become my grocery shopping days since I typically spent my weekends with Dom. Tonight, once I left the doctor’s office, I skipped the store and went straight home.

  My phone dinged with a text from Dom just as I climbed into my bed.

  Hope you had a great day. I’m working late tonight on this case.

  Just seeing his name pop up on the screen was enough to send me over the edge. My belly twisted at the thought of losing him. Simply thinking about how this was going to affect him was more than I could handle. It wasn’t something I could do via a text message, though, so I gave him a typical response.

  So sorry you have to work late. It’s been a long, busy day, but I just got into bed.

  He responded almost instantly.

  Wish I was there with you. Good night, sugar.

  Me: Good night, Dom.

  My text had indicated I was ready for sleep, but my mind wouldn’t let me settle down and drown my sorrows in my dreams. Instead, I was replaying the words the doctor had said, a real-life nightmare.

  It’s not impossible to get pregnant, but it can be very difficult.

  A thousand questions and possible scenarios filtered through my mind. All I could do was wonder how I was going to tell Dom the truth.

  I woke up Saturday morning to a not-so-gentle knock at my door. Having done my best to remain elusive for the last few days, I had a pretty solid idea of who was at the door. Dom had texted and called me a couple times since Wednesday night. I didn’t want to completely ignore him, but I was still so torn up over the awful news the doctor had given me.

  As a result, my mood had shifted, and I was not ashamed to admit that I was sulking. When Dom called, I answered, but kept the conversations brief. My responses through text message were short and sweet.

  Unfortunately, though not surprisingly, I had a feeling my time was up and that Dom was going to want some answers.

  Opening the door, I saw I was not wrong.

  Dom stood there, his head covered by a beanie with his nose and cheeks slightly red from the cold, and he wore a serious expression on his face. I swallowed hard and took a step back as I greeted him.

  “Hey.”

  He stepped inside, slammed the door shut behind him, and cut to the chase.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Okay, so this was angry Dom. For a brief second, I understood Ryan’s fearful expression a few months ago. He’d said two words, but his anger was still so palpable. If I didn’t truly believe that deep down he was such a good guy, I might have started feeling worried about what he could do to me with that anger.

  Apparently, I took too long assessing him because he spoke again.

  “Ekko? What’s wrong?”

  “Why do you think there’s something wrong?” I asked, stalling for more time.

  After giving me an incredulous look, he clipped, “You’ve gone silent the past couple of days. If I wasn’t so busy at work dealing with this nightmare of a case, I’d have been here sooner. To be honest, I should be at work right now and not here.”

  “So why are you here then?”

  He became a bit more agitated. “I hope that’s not a serious fucking question.”

  My shoulders slumped. He knew something was wrong and I was playing stupid. I was doing everything I could to delay the inevitable.

  Shaking my head, I delivered the three words to him.

  “I’m sorry, Dom.”

  “I don’t like the sound of that.”

  Me either.

  I turned away from him and walked into the living room. Dom followed behind me. I turned around to face him and allowed my gaze to travel from the sneakers on his feet, up his jean-clad thighs, over his torso, to his concern-filled face.

  This was going to be the worst thing I ever did in my life.

  “This isn’t going to work,” I murmured.

  He raised his brows in question but said nothing in response.

  “I’m really sorry,” I repeated. My throat was so tight, I barely recognized the sound of my own trembling voice.

  “You’re sorry?” he eventually replied.

  I nodded as tears blurred my vision.

  “Why?”

  “I’m sorry because I don’t want to upset you,” I confessed the truth.

  He took in a deep breath and clarified, “I don’t want to know why you’re sorry. I want to know why you think this isn’t going to work?”

  Now it was my turn to remain silent.

  “What happened?” he pressed for more.

  “Nothing.”

  Dom closed the distance between us, so much that our bodies were touching. “Something happened…something changed. I’m going to figure it out, Ekko. You’d make my life a hell of a lot easier right now if you’d just tell me what it is.”

  “My feelings have changed,” I mumbled.

  “You’re lying to me,” he shot back.

  “I’m not.”

  His fingers came to rest on the skin at my wrists and began slowly traveling up my forearms. “You don’t feel anything for me anymore?” he asked.

  I struggled to remain unaffected by him. His hands reached my shoulders and started moving over my collarbones.

  “Feeling my hands touching your skin does nothing for you?”

  My lips parted.

  My heart pounded.

  His voice went even deeper. “Are you saying that if I kiss you, it’ll mean nothing?”

  In a flash his mouth was on mine, one of his hands cupping me behind my head, the other going to the side of my throat. It was a desperate, claiming, possessive kiss and I could do nothing but give in to what it made me feel.

  My legs were going to give out on me.

  Dom must have suspected it because he kept his mouth planted to mine, but dropped an arm to my waist.

  As we kissed, the reality of the situation flooded me. My emotions took over and I was torn. I loved him so much I wanted to hold on and keep him forever, but I also didn’t want to cost him his dreams. It was going to be hard enough for me to accept that I might not ever be able to have children and I knew I couldn’t possibly expect him to endure years of struggling to have something he wanted.

  Dom’s mouth left mine and began trailing down my throat.

  “You want to give up on us?” he asked, with his lips inches from my skin.

  “You deserve so much more than I can give you,” I rasped back. “You deserve someone who can give you everything you want.”

  He pulled his head back to look at me. “Why not you?”

 
I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

  He didn’t wait for an answer either. “All I want is you, sugar,” he whispered before he pressed a soft kiss to my lips. “Just you.”

  I love you, I thought.

  “Dom…this isn’t going to work,” I maintained.

  With both of his arms around my waist and his face buried in my neck, he insisted, “It will. Whatever you’re feeling, we’ll work through it.”

  His mouth moved down my body, following the top hem of my tank. He loosened his embrace and brought his hands to my hips, where he squeezed gently before sliding his hands up my sides to my breasts.

  I was finding it harder and harder to stand my ground.

  He swiped his thumbs over my nipples.

  “Baby,” I breathed.

  “You like the way I make you feel?”

  “So much.”

  “I love the way you make me feel, Ekko,” he began as he lifted my shirt over my head and exposed my naked breasts. As he worked to remove his jacket and shirt, he continued, “There isn’t anything I want right now that I don’t have with you already.”

  Not yet.

  His hands were on my hips, pushing my shorts and panties down my legs, as he captured a nipple in his mouth. He continued to tease me while he unbuttoned and dropped his pants.

  “This isn’t helping, Dom. You’re confusing me and complicating this.”

  Dom finished removing his clothing, stood tall, and lifted me up in his arms. With my legs wrapped around his waist and our faces only inches apart, he said, “I’ll take it. If you’re confused, that means there’s still a chance I can convince you to change your mind.”

  “But,” I got out before I felt him filling me.

  “Just feel, Ekko,” he urged as he took the final few steps toward the wall, rested my back against it, and began moving inside me.