Aurora

by Emma L. McGeown

  “Okay, okay. But look at you, you survived your first week back at work,” I said as she pulled the heavy pot of curry out of the oven and placed it on the countertop. “Soon, you’ll be wishing you only did half—”

  Elena stumbled backward, clutching her head. I rushed toward her in an instant, trying to steady her.

  “Head rush,” she mumbled, but her eyes were unfocused, sending me into a slight panic.

  She slumped, barely keeping herself standing, which prompted me to lift her so she was sitting on the counter. As I stood close, studying her facial expression for signs of stroke or fainting, I reached into my scrubs pocket and pulled out my penlight.

  “Elena, look at me.” She met my eyes, and I began moving the torch in front of her line of vision.

  “I’m fine, Jax,” she replied, resisting the bright light.

  “You nearly fainted.” I made my voice insistent and stern as she huffed, following the light with ease.

  “See, I’m fine. Just hungry. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.” She rolled her eyes as she tried to jump down, but I stopped her, holding her thighs in place.

  “You’re not fine.” Despite trying my best to hide it, she must have seen the worry on my face. My rapid heart rate also made my voice quiver, or perhaps that was my fear of Elena relapsing coming to the surface. “You had brain surgery only a few weeks ago. You can’t rush your recovery. You could make yourself really sick if you overdo it. I need you to take better care of yourself.”

  “I’m sorry I scared you,” she said, placing her hands on my shoulders. A comforting wave crashed over me as I exhaled. “I will take better care of myself. Take it slow and be bored.” I had to smile. “Happy?”

  The front door swung open, and Cat tore into the apartment like a tornado. She froze, eyeing me in between her little sister’s legs. “Am I interrupting?” She tilted her head as I jumped at least a foot backward, and Elena slid off the counter and walked toward her.

  “Hey.” Elena smiled. “The girls are in Jamie’s room.” She nodded as she led the way.

  “I’ll be right there,” Cat replied before rushing into the kitchen within whispering distance. “Were you just doing what I think you were doing?”

  “No! I thought she was going to faint so I—”

  “She fainted?”

  “No, but I thought she was going to.”

  “So you took it as an opportunity to get between her legs? Nice.”

  I moved past her, choosing to give up on this conversation and stir the boiling rice. “I want my key back,” I muttered, taking a few desperately needed gulps of beer to calm my nerves.

  Cat proceeded as if never hearing me. “This is great, though. There’s chemistry, right? I mean, that definitely looked like chemistry. I can’t remember the last time Nick had me up against the—”

  “Dear God, please stop talking,” I almost shouted. Cat shrugged, unfazed, before I continued. “Maybe there is some mild flirtation going on between me and Elena, but we’ve got bigger problems,” I said seriously, and the mood changed in an instant.

  “What do you mean?” she asked, folding her arms as concern washed over her face, likely a mirror image of mine.

  “A couple of nights ago, Elena called Tom.”

  “Are you frickin’ kidding me? That spineless dog, that asshole.” I cut her off with a low shush. “I can’t believe she called him. We had lunch yesterday, and she didn’t say a word.”

  “Because you hate him. You don’t even try to hide it. Elena won’t tell you because she knows you’ll only disapprove.”

  “But she talks to you about her ex-boyfriend?” The irony was not lost on me either. “Was it a long conversation?”

  “Long enough,” I said as she looked genuinely concerned. “I know I shouldn’t have, but I overheard some of it. She explained that she lost her memories, and then he talked for a while, but from what I gathered, the conversation sounded like it was mainly chitchat. Catching up.”

  There had been a lot of giggling coming from her bedroom, and it had made my heart ache. Even Jamie had heard her laughing when I was tucking him into bed, but I’d pawned it off, telling him she was only talking with Cat. The sinking feeling that I was losing her was all that consumed my thoughts these last few days. They’d been texting as well, not that I was looking at her phone, but messages had popped up a few times during dinner. The smile on her face when she read his messages was the hardest, but I’d pretended everything was fine. Deep down, it felt like I’d been kicked in the gut.

  “I’m so sorry, Keelin.” Cat gave my arm a small rub. She’d only used my first name on a handful of occasions. I ran my hand through my hair with my eyes squeezed shut, unable to meet her sympathy.

  “She still doesn’t remember us.” I was already being pulled into a warm hug before I could open my eyes. She held me for some time, until I heard someone emerge into the living room, coming toward the kitchen.

  I composed myself as Cat took the lead. “It smells amazing in here, Elena. What did you make?”

  Her response faded out, and I joined the children in Jamie’s room. I tried to inject some life into my body to play, but my mind was elsewhere, plagued with the guilt of lying to Elena. Surrounding her with family and yet keeping her so unbearably in the dark, at arm’s length. It had been weeks without so much as a morsel of memory resurfacing. The memories she managed to regain were fragmented, and I appeared to be absent from them.

  The appearance of Cat at Jamie’s door pulled me out of those thoughts, and I followed her into the hallway and out of sight of the children.

  “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay before we go.” She brushed my arm soothingly.

  “I’ll be fine Cat, thank you.” I nodded before catching her off guard. “But I think it’s time.” Cat frowned but she quickly followed my train of thought. “It’s time to tell her the truth.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she said without considering the options. “She’s still recovering. It’ll be better to wait a couple of weeks, see if her memories come back on their own.”

  “Hold on a second. You’re not the one lying to her every day. I’m walking on eggshells in my own home and having to be a single parent to Jamie.” I hushed to avoid anyone overhearing. “This isn’t your decision to make.” The flick of her brow, like a cat ready to attack, was a warning. “Look, I want us to be on the same page. You’re her sister. Once she knows everything, it’ll be you she comes to. I’m no one to her.”

  “Jax, you’re not no one.” She sighed, but it was a weak argument. “I hear what you’re saying, I do. But I don’t want you to tell her yet. I just want to protect her until she’s strong enough. She almost fainted tonight. Can we just give her a week or so?” I sighed in defeat, knowing that I couldn’t tell Elena without Cat on board. “I want us to do this together too. Tell her when the time is right, but I also think that Elena talking to Tom might be the reason behind speeding up this decision.”

  “Well, yeah. Can you blame me?”

  “No, of course not. I’m not happy about it either, but Tom can’t be the reason we tell her, especially if she isn’t ready.”

  I rubbed the back of my neck in thought. Begrudgingly, she’d won me over.

  “I’m not saying never. Just give it some more time, Jax.”

  Cat pulled me into a hug as I caught a glimpse of Elena eying us from the parting in the kitchen wall. She studied us cautiously, hesitantly, no doubt without realising I was watching her too. The thought occurred to me that perhaps she was listening, or maybe it was just my seemingly close relationship with Cat that caused her concern.

  Once Cat and the girls were gone, I made myself busy cleaning and spending time with Jamie. Talking to Elena felt forced during and after dinner. I wanted to reconnect with her, but the constant texting, granted it might not always be with Tom, created friction between us. The wedge only continued to push us further apart over the course of the next couple of wee
ks, and it made coming clean all the more difficult.

  Chapter Seven

  “I’ll have the goat cheese salad, please, but no capers.” I smiled my thanks to the server as Kim perused the menu a little more.

  She hadn’t changed one bit, not in eight years, her indecisiveness only growing worse. She’d asked me several times what I was going to order, even though we both knew she was going to make a hasty snap decision. She thrived on pressure. For that reason, it shouldn’t have surprised me that she was now in charge of managing multimillion budgets as Head of Finance.

  “Sorry,” she mumbled to the server, who politely smiled but let out a heavy sigh. After an excruciatingly long moment, she was ready. “Okay, I’ll have the lasagne, but instead of the shitty salad, can I get gravy chips and a side of cheesy garlic bread?” She handed the menu to the server as they jotted down the order quickly, and although there was no obvious judgement, she felt the need to say, “Baby cravings.”

  “Can I also get a glass of merlot?” I added as Kim threw me a look.

  “One of those lunches, is it?” She chuckled before resting her elbows on the table and leaning onto her palms in anticipation. “Tell me all.”

  “There’s nothing to tell. It just feels like an abnormally long week.”

  “Honey, I told you it was too soon to go back to five days a week.”

  “There’s work to do, Kim. There’s a lot to catch up on. I was basically non-existent for a month there, and then the board meeting is next week.”

  The monthly board meeting was fast approaching, and even though the senior team insisted that I didn’t need to present our findings this month, I was eager to prove myself. I already felt out of my depth in my personal life. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t a huge failure in work too.

  “Hey, this is not the kind of stress you should be putting yourself under.” Kim rested a hand on mine. “And this is coming from a pregnant woman, okay? After all, you were in the hospital last month. Cut yourself a break.”

  I shrugged and thanked the server when the glass of wine was placed in my hand. I took a big gulp as Kim thought for a moment before probing again. “Is something else bothering you?” she asked. “Something at home?”

  “No. Everything is fine. Just fine.” I dismissed the conversation and tried to redirect. “How about you? You’ve your six-month scan tomorrow, right? Do you both want to know the sex?”

  “Did you not see my lunch order? It’s clearly going to be a boy. They always make me pig out on everything in sight. But I think we will leave it a secret. It’s always more of a surprise that way. Besides, my money is on a boy, Nicola is sure it’s a girl, and if I win, she’s taking me on a spa weekend to Barcelona.”

  “And what does Nicola get if she wins?”

  “I’m having her baby. That is her prize.” I giggled as she patted her belly.

  “I’m still adjusting to all of that.” I waved at her pregnant belly. “I never would have pegged you as the ‘mummy’ type.”

  “Neither did I.” She chuckled before she looked off into space thoughtfully, and a content smile came over her face. “You remember me back then? I was a party girl, last one to leave the club and always searching for the after-party. But, and I know it’s a cliché, and I hate myself for being that girl, when I met Nicola, everything just slid into place. She made me want things that I never even thought I’d get to have. As I fell in love with her, I wanted a family, and I knew she was the only one I wanted to share that with.”

  Her voice faded as I found myself getting lost in my own thoughts. Her words shifted something in the pit of my belly, and all I could think about was Jamie and more alarmingly, Jax. I could somewhat rationalise why Jamie appeared in my head. When I thought of having a family in my future, I hoped for a child as lovable and sweet as him. But with Jax, I felt something else. It was like a comfort and warmth which I couldn’t explain. Even while raising a small child, she was concerned with me and my health every day. Jamie even watched me as if it was his job to make sure I was taking care of myself. The thought made me smile.

  “What?” Kim’s voice pulled me back to her.

  “I’ve just never heard you talk like that before. I’m really happy for you.”

  “And I’m really happy…that our food is here.” The server appeared and handed the plates toward us. Miraculously, Kim was already eating before it touched the table. “And don’t think I didn’t notice you dodging my question earlier.”

  “There was no dodging.”

  “You practically jumped to the next table.”

  “I may have sidestepped slightly.”

  “Well, slide back and take a seat, honey,” Kim retorted as she shovelled garlic bread into her mouth. “Spill. What’s going on at home?”

  “Nothing is going on, it’s just…” I rolled my eyes as I tried to push the thoughts of paranoia out of my mind, but with Kim’s eyes bulging in anticipation, I decided to divulge. “It’s Jax. She’s been a little distant lately.”

  “Oh. But last week, you raved about her. How great she’s been at checking in with you and—”

  “That was last week.” Kim frowned, prompting me to explain. “There was a moment, an awkward encounter a few days ago, and ever since, Jax has been really weird with me. We aren’t watching TV in the evenings, she barely talks to me at dinner, and sometimes it feels like she’s actively avoiding me.” I pushed the salad on my plate as I felt my appetite disappear.

  “Well, what happened a couple of days ago?” she prodded as I felt the temperature in the room rise.

  “It was stupid.” I shook my head as I took another gulp of wine for encouragement.

  “So stupid that you’re blushing.”

  “It’s warm in here,” I argued, rolling up my sleeves. “They should open a window.”

  “It’s practically winter,” Kim said, waving her scarf. “And you’re avoiding again.”

  “Fine. It’s not even a big deal. I was cooking last week, and I felt a little light-headed, and I guess I lost my footing because next thing I know, I’m sitting on the kitchen counter with Jax in between my…and her hands were all over my…my…legs. And then my sister walks in.” I stuttered shamefully as Kim raised her brows with a smirk to follow. “It’s not a big deal. It’s just a little awkward now, even though it was all perfectly innocent, and nothing was going on at all.” My tone was so transparent that even I was sceptical.

  Kim processed the dribble of words, leaving me to force down half my glass of wine in the deafening silence she’d exiled me to. “Back it up, why was Jax between your thighs in the first place?”

  “She was checking my eyes.”

  “More like checking you out.”

  “Kim!” I batted her arm. “It wasn’t like that. In the beginning, she really was just checking to make sure I was okay but then…I don’t know.” I thought for a moment as Kim held on to my every word. “Maybe it was something more. But it was stupid, and now she’s been really awkward with me ever since.”

  “How’d you feel about it?”

  “Well, her awkwardness is making me feel awkward.”

  “Not that, Elena. How’d you feel about the moment?” Kim asked as I frowned at her. “Did you want to kiss her?”

  “What?” I laughed loudly. “Kim, come on, you know me. The amount of times you’ve thrown yourself at me and nothing.” She nodded. “The bottom line is, I’m not gay.”

  “You don’t have to be gay to want to kiss another woman, Elena.”

  “Okay, well bisexual or whatever.” The word “bisexual” caused my heart to skip a beat. Like a jolt that made my breathing uneasy and my emotions unsettled.

  “Or sexually fluid?” she asked as I returned a blank expression. “Sexual fluidity is a real thing and more common than people think. Research shows that while some are straight or gay or whatever they want to identify as, a lot of people fall in this grey zone of fluidity. I believe sexuality is more complicated than just gay or s
traight. People can’t be defined in categories like they have been for centuries. In fact, people just are who they are.”

  “I’m not sure I follow.”

  “Just because you’ve always drunk orange juice doesn’t mean you can’t wake up one day and want apple juice.” Kim winked while munching on a chip, but the comedy was lost on me.

  “This analogy is really bad, Kim.” The bite in my response seemed to cause her light demeanour to change.

  “Fine, then, I’ll be blunt. Just because you’ve always screwed men doesn’t mean you can’t be attracted to a woman. People fall in love with the person, not the gender.”

  “I’m not in love with Jax.” My words came out more defensively than I’d intended. I tried to brush it off but the wave of fear crashed around me at the mere suggestion that I could be in love with Jax. I’m not gay, I repeated in my mind, something I used to have to do continuously at St Catherine’s Boarding House. I’m not gay. I’m attracted to men repeated again and again as my high school experience surged into my frontal lobe, and I struggled to focus on Kim.

  “I didn’t say you were,” she said carefully. “What if, maybe in that moment, you felt something toward her, and maybe, just maybe, you liked that feeling, even if it did scare you a little. And maybe she’s awkward because she felt it too.” I stared down at my half-eaten salad, letting her words sink in. “Or maybe I’m just full of shit,” she added playfully.

  I shook my head and drowned out those thoughts. Thoughts that frankly were preposterous, considering I wasn’t inclined that way. I changed the topic soon after and refrained from thinking too much about the subject again.

  * * *

  Jax

  “Ma,” I called as I used my key to get into her house. The huge red door struggled to open fully, a stack of mail and subscription magazines blocking its path as Jamie and I slid in before it shut with a bang behind us.

  “In here, love.”