Aurora

by Emma L. McGeown

  “Nothing is wrong, honestly. Just a difference of opinion.”

  “You need to give me a little more to go on.”

  “It’s cool, don’t worry about it.” She closed the lid of her laptop and slipped it into its bag, dismissing the conversation.

  Vagueness, avoidance, and somewhat immature behaviour. What had I done to evoke these emotions? And that was when something clicked. I didn’t see this side of Elena often. In fact, I’d almost forgotten what this “monster” looked like. After we’d gotten married, Elena’s jealous side had disappeared entirely. Until now.

  “Oh.” I smiled to myself and tried to suppress the laughter in the back of my throat. “I get it now.” Her eyes flashed a shade of fury and revealed I was onto a winner. I pulled the piece of paper from my pocket and held it up. Her eyes avoided it as if it was the sun, solidifying my theory. “You think I was flirting with Cassie.”

  “What?” She avoided the question before some immaturity followed. “Whatever. I mean, the barista was into you, so whatever, but I didn’t think it was okay in front of Jamie is all.” She slid the rest of her files into the laptop bag before leaving the dining table and making a swift exit toward her bedroom door.

  “Care to read the note?”

  “I really don’t care.” She turned to look at me despite every aspect of her body language telling me she did, in fact, care.

  I unfolded the paper and began reading as I walked toward her. “Life is too short to wait for a hot guy to ask you out. Call me, Cassie. There’s a smiley face too, and that looks like her phone number.” I held the paper in front of her as she read it before frowning in confusion. “I usually go to that coffee shop on my work breaks with Greg.” She began to blush as she joined up the dots. “He flirts with her every day but doesn’t have the guts to ask her out. She asked me to give him her number.” I folded the paper and put it back in my pocket and couldn’t help but relish in the embarrassment radiating from her. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were jealous.”

  “‘Bittersweet Symphony’ is the Verve’s best song,” she blurted out of nowhere. We had debated that on the way home this afternoon, which had turned into a slightly heated discussion. “I don’t agree with what you said, that ‘Lucky Man’ is their best song.”

  This appeared to be her very poor attempt at hiding her jealousy, referring to that conversation as “the difference of opinion.”

  “It’s okay, Elena,” I said softly, moving one step closer. Her eyes found mine as I quoted our son from earlier. “You can think that. And it doesn’t matter that you’re wrong.” The corners of her mouth twitched upward, and I couldn’t help but mirror her smile. “I feel like someone important once said that.”

  “A prince, I think,” she replied playfully as the room turned quiet.

  “Thanks for coming out with us today.” My voice softened, and the mood changed as I realised just how close we were standing to each other. “Jamie loves hanging out with you.”

  “And what about you?” Her question threw me, but she showed only confidence and an alluring boldness.

  “What about me?” My eyes danced around her face as she gazed at me playfully. “Do I like hanging out with you? Well, I wouldn’t be trying to defuse your jealousy if I didn’t.”

  “I’m not jealous,” she said, licking her lips nervously.

  “My apologies, a difference of opinion.”

  “It’s late,” she whispered but didn’t move toward her door, her eyes glued to my lips.

  “Then I guess, this is good night.” I looked from her darkening green eyes to her full lips. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her. But she looked hesitant. A second later, something resembling panic flashed before her eyes, and the moment was gone. Just like that, she took a step back, gave a weak smile, and closed her bedroom door, leaving me with no idea where I stood.

  Chapter Ten

  As soon as I emerged from the elevator and walked the short distance to the apartment door, I knew something wasn’t right. Call it intuition or a gut feeling, but the air felt tense, colder, and I just knew trouble waited for me on the other side of the door.

  I hesitated to put my key in the lock as I heard muffled voices arguing, but the curiosity became overwhelming, considering I was supposed to be arriving home to an empty house. Silence dispersed throughout the apartment as the jiggling of my keys in the lock seemed to rattle even the furniture. I crept into the hallway toward the living room, cautious to avoid the metaphoric eggshells lining the hardwood floors. Cat and Jax failed to compose themselves as the remnants of whatever they’d slung at each other hung in the air.

  “Hey!” Cat spoke first while I stood frozen in the entrance to the living room as the tension oozed toward me. “How was work?” She stood and tightly crossed her arms like a protective shield, making me feel more uncomfortable.

  “Fine. What are you doing here?” I asked, failing to see the point in pleasantries. “It’s the middle of the afternoon. Don’t you both have work?”

  They shared a look before Jax spoke up. “Why don’t you sit down?”

  I narrowed my eyes as they led me toward the dining table where a pot of tea was waiting. “Is this my intervention?” I half joked, shedding my coat. I was met with silence, which only caused my breathing to turn uneasy, panicked, and short. “What’s going on, Cat?” I stopped before reaching the table. The atmosphere felt volatile and unpredictable.

  “Sit. We’ll explain,” Cat said as she took a seat next to Jax, whose eyes were distant and glassy.

  “Where’s Jamie?” I asked, afraid. “Did something happen?”

  “He’s fine. Nick is collecting Jamie and the girls from school,” Jax said, and I relaxed a little.

  Cat gestured to the dining chair, and I reluctantly took a seat but remained on high alert.

  “You both are freaking me out,” I barked, causing them to share a look of concern. “What’s wrong?” Neither conjured an explanation. Cat busied herself pouring tea and pushing biscuits toward me. “Will someone please tell me what is going on?”

  “Just listen.” Jax started. “After the accident, there were a couple of things we didn’t…couldn’t tell you.” Her usual confidence seemed reduced to nerves. “Some things that might have hindered your recovery. We wanted to wait until you were better again.”

  “Okay,” I replied slowly, watching their body language. Jax looked pale, clenched-jawed, and glassy-eyed while Cat fussed with her hair, bit her nails, and avoided all eye contact. “What don’t I know?”

  Jax gulped and looked to my sister, but she stood from the table and began pacing, creating a tenser air than before. “It’s about Jamie.”

  “Jax, no,” Cat said, shaking her head, pleading. “Let’s just leave it, okay? It’s too soon.”

  “I’m not doing this anymore, Cat. It’s not fair. She deserves to know the truth,” Jax said through a clenched jaw, almost in pain, before her soft eyes met mine. “Jamie is your son.”

  My insides froze, and my limbs turned to lead. Ragged breaths filled the space, but it felt like white noise was filling my head as two concerned pairs of eyes watched my every move.

  “What?” I said as my brain tried to process the new information. “Is this some kind of joke?” No one was laughing, prompting panic. “Wait, what? What are you talking about?”

  Green eyes flashed across my mind, not mine but his. Jamie’s eyes bored into mine countless times as I received glimpses of him, memories I’d misplaced over the last five years. Like a blur, showing me mere snapshots of his undeniable presence in my life. But my mind rejected it, too impossible to fathom.

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.” Jax’s voice dipped as she bit her lip. “We both are.”

  Cat took her seat again beside me, tears falling from her eyes. “We wanted to tell you but—”

  “This is a joke, right? Jamie can’t be mine. I think I would remember…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “He’s your son,”
I said to Jax, short of breath.

  “Elena, his eyes,” Cat pressed. “His curly hair, just like us when we were his age. Look at the similarities with Abbey.” Cat grabbed a book from the side table, placing it in front of me. “His school books.” I read the name which had been on that table all week.

  Jamie Ricci.

  “But no. It can’t be.” Then I remembered what Tansy had said my first day of work. Oh, he’s Jax’s son. I always thought you had him. He looks just like you. Tears began to cloud my vision as I processed the indisputable facts. “You lied to me,” I whispered as I ran my hand over the book. “Both of you did.”

  Jax stared at the table in silence. Cat began apologising, but I interrupted her, feeling nothing but betrayal. “Why couldn’t you just tell me? Out of everyone, Caterina, you should have told me.”

  “I wanted to. Every day. You were just so fragile in the beginning. We were scared to tell you.”

  “We?” Jax growled, looking away from me.

  “You wanted to tell me?” I asked as her eyes met mine. “Why did you pretend Jamie was your son?”

  “I wasn’t pretending.”

  Her chilling words hung in the air as I watched her carefully before turning back to Cat. She said nothing but wiped the tears from her cheeks as I felt my own eyes fill more. Jax reached behind her neck and unclipped a necklace. The same necklace she wore every day, but the pendant was always hidden beneath her clothes. As she pulled it out from under her jumper, she placed it on the table, allowing the two wedding bands to clatter off the hard surface.

  Tansy’s words sounded again in my mind. Oh, he’s Jax’s son. I always thought you had him. He looks just like you. Something more terrifying clicked in my mind. Jax’s extensive knowledge of me and my history. Her frequent visits in the hospital, the concern, comfort, and familiarity. The flirting. The countless letters and mail addressed to both of us. Cat and Jax’s close relationship, almost like family. My mind began to race, and I figured out what Jax was trying so hard to tell me without breaking down.

  “I’m his mother too,” she said.

  “We’re…I’m with…”

  “I know this is a lot to process—” Jax tried, but I cut her off.

  “Wait, I don’t understand. Me and you are…” I couldn’t even say it out loud. The words seemed preposterous. “And we both raise Jamie?” I struggled to vocalise my thoughts as they all jumbled together into a swirling mess. “No.” Rejection rippled across my skin. “No. This is…this can’t. I’m not gay!” The venom in my voice cut through the apartment.

  “Elena,” Cat warned as she side-glanced Jax, who could barely face me.

  “None of this makes sense.” My brain tried to process, and my chest tightened, making breathing a chore. “This can’t be my life. This isn’t me.”

  “Elena,” Cat snapped.

  Jax rose, stilling the room. “This has all been a lot for you.” She spoke mechanically, keeping the emotion from her voice and refusing to meet my eyes.

  “Jax, she’s just in shock.” Cat reached for her arm, but Jax shifted away from the touch.

  “With time, I hope you’ll understand why we didn’t tell you.” She gritted her teeth before continuing in the calmest of voices. “And that you’ll find a way to forgive us.” Jax glanced around the apartment as if she might never set foot in it again. “I think it would be best if I just go.” She surprised me by turning to me with blurred eyes, revealing her pain. “Take as long as you need. Jamie and I will stay at my mum’s.”

  “You don’t have to do that.” The guilt consumed me as I stared at someone I barely knew, who I was supposed to be married to.

  “I think it’s for the best. For everyone.” She looked completely crushed but mustered a small smile. “If you need me, or anything, give me a call. I’ll be there.”

  She left, and silence filled the apartment as Cat stared at the tea she’d never touched and waited for me to speak.

  “How could you keep this from me?”

  “To avoid this,” she whispered numbly. “This complete mess. I love you, Elena. You are my sister, and I will protect you, always, but it’s been a hard few months. For all of us.”

  “Even more reason why you should have been the one to tell me.” Though I tried to keep my face neutral, the low tone in my voice tattled my humiliation. “I feel like a complete idiot. You let me walk around here completely clueless. Why didn’t you tell me?” My voice became shrill as I replayed the previous months. “I’ve been spending time with Jamie without realising he’s my…and I have been getting dating advice off Jax?” I groaned. “I can’t believe this. All the lying, Caterina—”

  “This isn’t all on me, Elena. We all agreed that keeping Jamie a secret would be best. Greg was the one—”

  “Greg is a doctor. He’s not my sister.” The accusation in my voice seemed to surprise us both, and I felt a lump form in my throat. “Out of everyone in my life, you’re the one I turn to most. You’re my family.”

  “I know,” she said, sobbing. “But I was thinking about your other family. Jax and Jamie. I wanted to avoid this and wait until—”

  “My memory came back? Seriously? What if it never did?”

  “That’s why we told you now,” she argued as silence fell over us. “It was taking too long for the memories to come back on their own. Jax was worried they never…” She took a shaky breath. “It wasn’t fair on you or Jamie. Your family was being ripped apart, and you had no idea.”

  “I can’t believe…I have a son. I’m married.” Each sentence seemed more ridiculous than the last.

  “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,” she said. “I didn’t want to upset you, I just prayed every day that your memories would come back, and the longer it went on, the harder it was to come clean.” She wiped the tears with the back of her hand before her eyes softened even more. “I was just so happy you were still here to lie to.” She made a slow exhale. “Don’t forget, you nearly died, Elena. I would have lied my ass off a thousand times over if it meant I still had my baby sister around.” She stroked the back of my hand softly. “But Jax. She wanted to tell you from the very beginning.”

  “She did?”

  “She hated lying to you, and she was afraid of the effect it was having on Jamie.”

  “He’s my son,” I whispered in disbelief. “I don’t remember. How could I not remember having a baby?” I groaned, frustrated, as Cat gripped my hand. “Even he lied to me.”

  “It’s not his fault.”

  “I know. He’s just a kid.” I sighed before a thought occurred to me. I retraced the timeline and figured out a piece of the puzzle. “He’s Tom’s son, isn’t he?” Cat nodded slowly as my head fell into my palms. “Tom didn’t say anything. Does he even know we have a son?”

  “Of course Tom fucking knows.” Her hand fled mine as a wave of anger crashed over her. “He left you when he found out you were pregnant, not before claiming it wasn’t his baby, though.” She huffed fumes of hatred.

  “He’s not the only one around here lying, so you can get off your high horse,” I said bitterly.

  “You’re still defending that bastard. Do you have any idea what we’ve been going through? And all you can think about is him. What about your wife, Elena?”

  “I have no idea who that person is,” I shouted back. “You don’t know what this feels like.” I rose to my feet. “You sit there and tell me I have a wife and son and expect me to be fine, Caterina? I’m sorry I’m not living up to your expectations, but I can’t accept this. I’m not gay.”

  In hindsight, my behaviour over the last few months had been utterly inconsistent. At times, I’d let myself enjoy Jax’s attraction to me, never thinking it would be anything more than flirtation. A wave of fear crashed around me at the thought that I could be in a relationship with a woman. A perverse and unnatural relationship that was unacceptable.

  “It’s okay if you are.” I stared at her in disbelief. “Think about it,” she urge
d keeping her voice level. “Why you were jealous of the barista?” My entire body began to tremble, as if my nerves were rejecting her words. “You almost kissed that day I walked into your kitchen. You can’t deny it. The chemistry—”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I shouted, but I struggled to conjure an excuse. What Cat was accusing me of, the person that she said I had become, created a tidal wave of shame and self-loathing to course through my veins. “That’s not me. I’m not like that.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with you.” The way she said those words caused an internal panic and had a profound impact on me, like a trigger igniting forgotten memories.

  There is nothing wrong with you began to sound in my head, but it wasn’t Cat’s voice. It was a flashback, the memory of sitting in my psychiatrist’s office. Dr Neill. Not only that one session but others before as the doctor said those same words. There is nothing wrong with you.

  She pulled me from the flashback as she stood to be at eye level with me. “I know what they did.” Taking a step back, I narrowed my eyes. “It took years for you to finally tell me what had happened. Why you transferred to high school in England.” Bile began to creep up my throat as sweat formed on my brow. “Mama said it was your decision, but I know the truth now. What Mama and Papa did to you.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” My vision blurred as she took a step forward to comfort me. “I can’t deal with this right now. Don’t you think I’ve enough going on without thinking about the past? Stuff that doesn’t matter?” I backed away until the front door was in sight.

  “You never dealt with it, Elena, that shame you feel.”

  “Stop it,” I growled as I realised she knew about St Catherine’s Boarding House.

  “That’s why you’re struggling so hard to accept this. Even though deep down, you know you feel something for Jax.”

  The walls began to crash around me. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” But my head was spinning, coming undone. “I gotta get out of here,” I managed to slur before I darted toward the front door.