I'm All Yours

by Madhumitha Lakshamanan

  "Okay! Then I have a better way to get back what's mine."

  "What are you going to do?" I asked, worried.

  "Why don't you see for yourself?" he challenged me.

  "Why are you doing this to me Gautham? Please! Just leave me!" I pleaded and tears threatened to fall out of my eyes.

  "If you can't return the money, your parents are going to do it," he said and turned to walk away.

  "No! Wait! I will pay back the money to you in installments as I get my salary!" I said and he turned to face me.

  "You think you can pay back such a huge amount?" he asked sarcastically.

  "Why are you doing this to me Gautham?" I asked and my tears rolled down my cheeks.

  His features softened as held me securely by my shoulders.

  "I know that you have no lover Shakthi! Tell me! Why did you do this?"

  "You are right! I have no lover! I did this for the money!"

  "Great! If you aren't going to say, then I think it's time for me to contact your parents!" He took his phone out to dial.

  "Wait! Don't!"

  He looked at me expectantly but I couldn't find my voice anymore. He then sighed and continued to dial my parents.

  "I am infertile."

  Chapter 50-It's Just a Little Too Late

  Shakthi's POV

  "Great! If you aren't going to say, then I think it's time for me to contact your parents!" He took his phone out to dial.

  "Wait! Don't!"

  He looked at me expectantly but I couldn't find my voice anymore. He then sighed and continued to dial my parents.

  "I am infertile," I blurted out, holding my breath. I couldn't read what he was thinking. He gave nothing away.

  I felt him breathe a sigh of relief and his features softened. He held my face in his large palms and looked deep into my soul. "Why didn't you tell me?"

  "Did you know about it already?"

  "Yes, I did."

  "But how?"

  "You thought that I would believe in the letter that you left me? Not a word Shakthi! I didn't believe even one word of it, not even for a second! While searching for you, I called up Ankitha and she told me about the miscarriage and your infertility."

  Miscarriage and your infertility-why do those words from him hurt so much?

  "Why did you threaten me by demanding money from my parents, if you already knew about my infertility?"

  " I didn't know that this was the reason that made you leave me."

  "I can never give you a baby! Doesn't that make a difference to you?"

  " Nothing is going to change between us because of a thing that never existed!" his words sounded convincing but I know how much he wants a child.

  "We lost our baby Gautham and I can't give you one. " My eyes filled up with tears.

  "Shakthi! That's not the end of the world! You are my baby and I am yours! We have each other and that is all that matters!" He wiped away my tears.

  "You are not buying it Gautham!" I pushed his hands away.

  "Shakthi! Baby! I understand what you feel," he said, pulling me into his arms.

  I pulled away. "No! You don't have the slightest idea how I feel!"

  "We are in this together. No matter what!" he said, interlocking our fingers.

  "Okay! Tell me one thing! If you had known that I was infertile, would you have married me?"

  "Of course, I would," he said, shocking me.

  "You are just saying this so that it doesn't hurt me! I am a barren wasteland Gautham!"

  "No one is perfect in this world, Shakthi! Didn't you accept me in spite of my flaws? And to me, you are beautiful in your own way and you're not aware of it! Most of all, you have the most beautiful soul." His words melted my heart.

  "There won't be anyone in this world to call you a daddy or call me a mommy."

  "You already gave me yourself and that's all that matters!" He kissed the tip of my nose which made my lips curve into a smile.

  "Did you think that I wouldn't understand if I knew that we can't have a child?"

  "It doesn't make sense for you to marry a stranger who is infertile, right? Would you have married me, really?"

  "I would marry you a thousand times Shakthi! Why don't you get that into that goddamn head of yours?"

  "Even if I can't ever carry your baby?"

  "Of course." He pecked me on my lips.

  "I don't know Gautham… I just don't! When we got married, we were practically strangers. It actually means that I got lucky when I didn't know about my infertility before marrying you. Why would anyone want to marry a barren wasteland?" I asked.

  "Don't you ever utter those words again. Who put this fucking thought into your head!"

  "It is not going to change the fact that I am a barren waste-"

  "Stop that!” He shook me by my shoulders. His grip loosened and he took a few deep breaths to compose himself.

  "I'm sorry," he muttered.

  "But put yourself in my shoes and think for a minute. If I were infertile, would you have refused to marry me?"

  "Of course not!" I said in a heartbeat.

  He smiled. " Exactly! Why don't you believe me when I say that?"

  "Cause I am in love you and I know that you aren't!"

  He stood there like a bucket of cold water had just been poured on him.

  "I knew it!" I said and ran into the bedroom.

  "You hear this?" He said opening the door I forgot to lock.

  I could almost feel his tall frame. I stood rooted to the spot, silently trying to concentrate on the sound he was talking about. It was a faint, very faint running watch.

  I turned to face him and he was holding the watch close to my ears. I had a look at the watch and it was the same watch that I had gifted to him during his birthday.

  "You still have it?"

  He strapped it back on his wrist and held my face in his palms. "There is not a single day which passes without me looking at it! I wouldn't be searching for you like a madman with just this memory of you with me if I weren't in love with you Shakthi! You have no idea of what I went through when you left me even after you promised me that you wouldn't! Every single day that I went through without you was living hell! Waking up to your angelic face every day but realizing that it was empty and I was just hallucinating, searching for you every day hoping I would get to see you, it was hell Shakthi! Why would I even come back for you if I don't love you? I love you Shakthi. You and me, forever! Remember?"

  "Why would you cheat on me if you really love me?" I asked, pushing his hands away from my face.

  "What are you talking about?"

  "Natasha is pregnant.”

  "How do you know?"

  "So, she is!"

  "Yes, but how do you know?"

  "The day when I left you, I heard her say it," I said, running a hand through my hair.

  "So you thought that I am the father of her baby?"

  "Yes, aren't you?"

  "No! I'm not! Amit is the father," he said

  "But, but when she broke the news about her pregnancy your voice was so hopeful. I thought you still loved her and you made her pregnant."

  "I didn't touch another woman after our marriage! It has always been you Shakthi! My feelings for you are so intense that I can't even explain! You taught me to believe in love. I realized that I didn't even love Natasha when I fell in love with you! Why would I ever cheat on you with Natasha?"

  "But… but how would Natasha be pregnant with Amit's baby when she has no memory of him?"

  "Evidently, she didn't lose her memory and it was one of her games. She even tried to make me the father of her baby. But the DNA tests turned negative and that was exactly when your friend Ashika came in handy."

  "You met her at the hospital again?"

  "No, I didn't! Looked like you had asked for a copy of Natasha's reports and when she tried contacting you, you obviously weren't there. So she contacted me through Shalini and gave me the reports which said that Natasha wasn't su
ffering a memory loss."

  "But her doctor showed me her reports which said that she was suffering a memory loss."

  "Ugh! That doctor! Don't even start about him! I had his license cancelled. He had been playing along with Natasha the entire time! People do all this for money, you know!"

  "Oh, God!" I said

  "It was basically the trail that you left behind that helped me to find Natasha's true identity!"

  "I'm so sorry!" I whispered

  "Don't be! I totally understand how it would feel!" He caressed my cheeks and looked deep into my eyes.

  "Do you actually know the reason I left you?"

  His hands dropped from my face. "You left me because you thought that it was me who made Natasha pregnant?" he asked.

  "Yea," I whispered.

  "Unbelievable! How could you Shakthi? I thought we learned to trust each other! You took such a big step without even talking to me once? You left me!"

  "No! I am really sorry! I should have talked to you about it!"

  "You are three months late Shakthi! Three freaking months!"

  "I understand Gautham! It was equally tough for me!-"

  "If you understand, you wouldn't have left me just because you thought that I made her pregnant."

  "That decision wasn't easy for me Gautham! I couldn't give you a baby. I thought Natasha could. I thought that when you know about my infertility and with Natasha being pregnant on the other hand, you would hate me eventually! I didn't want to be a hindrance to your happiness. That was actually the whole reason I left you!"

  "This is fucking unbelievable! I thought that you understood me and there was something in our relationship! Looks like our marriage was a total failure Shakthi!"

  Tears started to fill my eyes. "No Gautham! No! I did this only for your happiness!"

  "Happiness! My foot! The past three months without you were the worst days of my life!"

  "I understand that I made a mistake by leaving you but I am sorry about it!" I said

  "There is no use Shakthi! Some random girl will again come and accuse me of making her pregnant and you will again run away! You know what; it hurt like fucking hell when I knew that you were infertile. But, it tore me apart when I realized that you had to undergo the pain of this news alone, without me by your side! But only now, I realized that you had been thinking so low of me! What if another huge blow comes along, you will run away like this! You won't wait to share it with me! We were in this marriage together so that we stand by each other and not run away from our problems! You could have talked to me about it! But you didn't trust me at all! Marriage is trusting in each other Shakthi! It's you who taught me this."

  "I trust you Gautham! I do-"

  "You know what? I'm done with you! The divorce you wanted will reach you in no time.”

  Chapter 51-The Divorce and?

  Shakthi's POV

  "You know what? I'm done with you! The divorce you wanted will reach you in no time," he said and walked away.

  "Gautham! No! Listen!" I pleaded, running behind him.

  "I. Am. Done. With. You" he said. His eyes were red with fury and carried the pain of betrayal.

  "No, please," I pleaded, trying to hold his hand. But he swatted it away.

  He didn't care about what I had to say. He opened the front door and walked away.

  I had one option. I was going back to Chennai.

  One week later

  "This is insane!" Ankitha shouted, almost bringing the roof off my room. She looked different, with her light curly hair fully straightened and with a little baby fat. She was pregnant with her second baby. The glow in her face was unmistakable. I’d missed her so much.

  "Shh! Quiet!"

  "Are you freaking crazy? This is the first time I am seeing two people who love each other so much getting a divorce."

  "Please Ankita! Please lower your voice! My parents have no idea and I plan on keeping it that way" I said. They were just sitting in the living room, thinking that their daughter needed a small break from her married life. That was the story that I spun and they seemed to buy it.

  They didn't question me which was strange, but that made it easier for me. They were shocked and happy when they saw me at their doorstep. They welcomed me with open arms.

  I didn't want to disappoint my parents with the divorce.

  "Alright! But do you want a divorce?" she asked.

  " No! I love him so much!"

  "Alright! Do you think he wants the divorce?"

  "Of course! That was why he demanded one! I’m starting to think that it really is because of my infertility.”

  "You have to stop overthinking! Don't put that brain of yours into use until Gautham calls you up."

  "He called me up," I said.

  " When did this happen?" She asked, wide eyed.

  "An hour before you arrived."

  "Why didn't you tell me?"

  "He didn't exactly call. I just got a text." I showed her my phone.

  It hurt me that he didn't even want to hear my voice. He just sent a stupid, cold text which only had the lawyer's office address where I was supposed to be at five in the evening to sign our divorce papers.

  "He must be really hurt Shakthi.”

  "Yeah! Hurt that I can never give him a baby!" I wiped away a tear.

  "No! He is hurt that you didn't trust him enough to tell him about your infertility.”

  "I didn't tell him because I didn't want to hurt him but-"

  "But what hurt him the most was that you didn't tell him," she said and walked away, leaving me alone in my room.

  She was right and I knew it!

  But a voice kept telling me that Gautham didn’t want to be with me because I was a barren wasteland. Those words haunted me and I felt worthless.

  It was almost ten past five. I sat in the parking lot of the lawyer's office, not wanting to go in.

  I smoothed my purple silk top that I had paired with my denims. I re-checked my face to see if my makeup was in place. I really didn't want to look weak and helpless, so my makeup helped cover my sadness.

  I dragged my feet towards the office. My palms sweat as I neared it. Gautham was sitting lethargically on the chair and laughing his heart out. It hurt to see him taking this so well.

  He had his back to me and the lawyer who seemed to be in his late twenties was so engrossed in talking to him that he didn't see that I was standing there.

  I cleared my throat, so that Gautham could at least put on an act that he does feel bad about getting divorced.

  Gautham turned and my heart stopped. His silvery grey eyes caught mine. His wide smile disappeared. He wore a well-tailored, charcoal black suit. His hair was in place and didn't look messy; unlike the way it looked a week back when he wanted to desperately meet me at Yercaud. He was looking happy and handsome with no facial hair. His spicy scent was still intoxicating.

  "Yes, please come in," the advocate said and I entered.

  "So, are you Shakthi?"

  "Yes."

  "I am advocate, Dev Roy. I’ll be handling your divorce proceedings," he said, offering his hand.

  I nervously shook it. "Thank you," I said.

  "Please, have a seat." I took the seat next to Gautham.

  Our hands brushed and Gautham flinched. My heart twisted at the thought that he would find my touch repellent.

  "I can't believe that she came!" Gautham said.

  "Why would you say that?" Mr. Roy asked.

  "She has a habit of running away from her problems," he said casually, raking his fingers through his hair, without sparing me a glance.

  "That's not..not true," I felt my voice already breaking.

  He looked at me. "Don't you tell me what's true and what is not ,because I know the truth! Do you get that?" he said angrily. Tears started to blur my eyes.

  "Gautham! Please understand why I had to leave you! Please!" I pleaded.

  "Let's not go there! I want to get this divorce done!" He looked away.


  "Gautham! Please! Don't do this! I don't want this divorce! Please!"

  He looked at me and for just a minute, his features softened. Just for a minute, I thought that even he didn't want this divorce to happen. But annoyance swept over his face once more.

  "Gautham! Since she doesn't want a divorce, I can’t put it down as by mutual consent. There will be many court proceedings and both of you will be asked to stay together for another six months to give your marriage a chance," Mr. Roy explained.

  Gautham groaned and looked at me with so much of anger and hatred and I wanted the ground to swallow me.

  "Now I understand why you came here!"

  "What do you mean?"

  "I will give you hundred crores rupees and you can also take the flat that we lived in, just sign the divorce papers already!"

  "I don't want your money!"

  "I know that you are doing all this for the money!" he said.

  "I genuinely didn't want a divorce!" I said, wiping away the tear that was about to roll down. I didn't want him to know that his words were killing me.

  "I will double the amount! Just sign the papers!"

  His anger towards me hurt so much. How could he change so much from being loving and caring to brutal and cold. I didn’t want him to see me weak. I had to fight back. "You know what? Keep your fucking money to yourself! Where do you want me to sign?"

  Mr. Roy handed out the papers and the pen and showed me where to sign.

  I read all the papers and it confirmed that this was a divorce on mutual consent. There would be no more communication between us. As I was about to sign, my fingers trembled. This was it. He wouldn't be there to hold me when I needed him, and I wouldn’t be able to make him smile. But I was barren. I couldn’t make him truly happy, or complete him with a family. He deserved better.

  His words interrupted my thoughts. "I will triple the amount if you-"

  And those words pushed me to sign. The pen touching paper was like a dam bursting and my tears flowed. I didn't care that he knew his words crushed me. He still thought that I was doing this for the money!

  I handed the papers to him.

  He signed them all with a smile plastered on his lips. He could at least pretend that he feels bad. He was now my ex-husband now, and he was happy about it.