If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Now

by Claire Lazebnik

  I licked my spoon and shrugged. “I guess.”

  “So who do you think it is?” Debbie asked her. “Any ideas?”

  “Well, the person who told me all this said there’s this one mom who’s always going to talk to him about her kid. She has a second-grade girl. I can’t remember her name. And she’s even older than I am. But apparently she’s always in there with him. And usually wearing something low-cut and very tight.”

  I concentrated on scraping up the last drops of yogurt.

  Debbie said, “Well, you can’t blame her. The guy is a sweetie-pie and cute.”

  “She’s married, though. You can blame her for that,” Maria said. “Plus, you know… leave something for those of us who are actively looking. Rickie knows what I’m talking about, don’t you, girl?” She winked at me. “You getting any action these days? Any dates with handsome young men you can tell us about so we can at least have a vicarious thrill?”

  “In my dreams,” I said cheerfully, and not completely dishonestly. “Does that count?”

  “If it doesn’t, I’m worse off than I realized.” She flipped her hair back over her shoulder. “We should start getting together on Saturday nights, Rickie. We could watch stupid chick flicks and do tequila shots. It’s pathetic if you do it alone, but if you do it with someone else it’s a party.”

  I laughed but didn’t commit.

  “Anyway…” She poked at her yogurt with her spoon. She hadn’t actually eaten more than a bite or two of it and the rest had melted into goo. “Since you guys are so buddy-buddy with Coach Andrew, see what you can find out. The universe owes me some juicy gossip.”

  “He doesn’t really seem like the cougar type,” Debbie said.

  “Oh, who knows?” Maria said. “Who knows what goes on behind anyone’s closed doors?”

  Behind a closed door, later that same night, I was throwing myself up into the strong arms of my son’s PE coach and wrapping my legs around his waist. “I haven’t seen you in like forever,” I moaned dramatically.

  “I believe it’s been three nights.”

  “Well, it felt like forever.”

  “To me too.” He held me tight against him, and we kissed long and hard.

  He set me down and I stepped back. I glanced up at him coyly. “So someone told me today there’s a rumor that you’re sleeping with a school mom.”

  He groaned. “Oh, great. That didn’t take long.”

  “They don’t know who. But they all assume she must be at least a decade older than you.”

  “If they just thought about it… I mean, there’s only one mother at the school who’s the right age for me.”

  “There is one suspect. Some mother who’s always finding excuses to go talk to you about her second-grade daughter. How come you’ve never mentioned her?”

  “I have,” he said. “Therese Paulson. I’ve complained to you a ton about her.”

  “Oh, her,” I said, relieved. “You hate her.”

  “It’s true she won’t leave me alone. But I don’t think it’s an attraction thing. She just has too much free time on her hands and wants to micromanage her kid’s school life.”

  “I bet it is an attraction thing,” I said. “She probably totally wants you. You’re oblivious to this stuff. You didn’t even notice how much I liked you.”

  “To be fair,” he said dryly, “you hid it well. Remember the whole I-don’t-want-him-to-be-my-son’s-PE-coach thing?”

  “Shut up. Anyway, how long do you think we can keep this a secret?”

  “Clearly not for long if people are already gossiping about it.”

  “Will you get in trouble?”

  “That’s not the right question,” he said, advancing toward me.

  “What is?”

  “The right question is whether you’re worth getting in trouble for.”

  “Oh,” I said. “Am I—”

  “Yes,” he said before I’d gotten any further. “Yes.”

  Not long after that, Noah informed Ms. Hayashi that he didn’t need to go to PE anymore now that Coach Andrew was coming over to his house almost every night.

  Dr. Wilson, Andrew, Noah, and I all had a little discussion about that in the principal’s office. Noah was made to understand that whatever happened at home was private and in no way affected his school schedule. After he was sent back to his classroom, Andrew and I were made to understand that while Dr. Wilson “could not and would not legislate personal relationships between the faculty and parent body,” if we were overly indiscreet or Andrew showed any partiality toward any member of our family in the carrying out of his duties, any subsequent meeting would be less genial. He managed to sound both disappointed in us and resigned to the situation. I wondered how often something similar had happened in the past. I definitely got the feeling we weren’t the first couple to be delivered this particular speech.

  We slunk out of his office as cowed as Noah, but once I’d recovered from the meeting I actually felt a huge wave of relief. Keeping our romance a secret had been more of a burden than either of us had realized until it was lifted, and, while we weren’t about to go around advertising it, I was just happy I could now safely give Andrew a quick good-luck kiss before T-ball games or drop by his office after picking up Noah.

  Of course, my living situation kept things complicated, no matter what. There were only so many evenings I could dump Noah on my parents and escape to Andrew’s. My mother was often out at meetings for her various boards and causes, and while my father was always happy to have Noah in the house with him, I knew it meant Noah would spend the entire time watching TV and eating junk food and staying up late.

  Fortunately, Andrew was a good sport about coming over and hanging out at the house with us. We’d have dinner, watch a movie, maybe play a game, get Noah to bed on time—and save anything more intimate for the nights I was able to go to his apartment.

  There was one time, though, when he was over and everyone else had gone to bed, and even though our intention was just to watch TV, our hands met under the throw blanket we were sharing, and then our hands were exploring, and then we were kissing, and then I was pretty much on top of him, and who knows what would have happened next, when the sound of footsteps and some movement beyond the partially opened family room door made us fly apart, frantically settling our clothing back in place.

  Luckily it was only my father wandering by sleepily, probably to get a snack from the kitchen. He didn’t even notice us in the darkened room. But I was well aware that if it had been my mother, her eagle eyes wouldn’t have missed a thing. And Noah would have asked questions.

  “I remember this feeling,” Andrew whispered as we settled back on the sofa a safe distance apart. “It’s like dating in high school all over again.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I know it’s weird at our age.”

  He laughed. “Nah, it’s okay. It’s kind of fun, actually. Keeps the excitement alive.”

  I was a little skeptical about that. I felt pretty frustrated at that particular moment. And when Noah came down a few minutes later, right before our show ended, to tell me he had had a bad dream and needed me to go back to sleep with him, prompting Andrew to say a speedy good night before heading back to his place, my skepticism only increased.

  But the next night I was able to leave Noah with my parents for a few hours and meet Andrew at his place, where I threw myself on top of him and he responded passionately, and at some point I wondered if maybe he had a point: maybe a little frustration and delayed gratification did add some spice to a relationship.

  Maybe.

  29.

  A couple of weeks later, I drove to the Fenwick Family Outdoor Concert with Mom and Dad and Noah. Mom had, of course, remembered to bring a big blanket, which we laid out not too far from the stage that had been set up, but off to the side so we could move around freely without blocking anyone’s view. I left Noah with my parents and headed over to the food booth, where I once again had to help out—a
lthough this time I had volunteered myself.

  I was happy to see Melanie already there, behind the counter. She was handing out the picnic boxes while Tanya was packing and organizing them.

  “Hey!” I said to Mel. “Where’s the rest of your family?”

  “Gabriel dropped me off so I wouldn’t be late. He and the kids are still looking for parking.”

  “I hope they can find Mom and Dad—it’s getting crowded out there.”

  “Gabriel’s six foot three,” Melanie said. “He’ll find them.”

  Tanya glanced up briefly. “Hurry up and get back here, Rickie—things are going to get crazy soon.” I snapped a salute in her direction and Melanie shook her head at me.

  This job was pretty easy: there were only two kinds of sandwiches and Tanya had marked which was in which box with a black Sharpie, so we were just grabbing from stacks and handing them out.

  Up on the stage, Dr. Sorenson was starting things off with a short introductory speech, thanking the Parent Association for all their hard work planning the event. People were talking and running around and no one paid him any attention. He eventually surrendered the stage to a tall man with a thick, graying beard who started to play the guitar and sing.

  “There’s something familiar about that guy’s voice,” I said.

  Melanie looked over. “That’s John Pudgett, silly. He was huge in the seventies.”

  “Why’s he playing here, then?”

  “He’s got a kid at the upper school.”

  For a while longer, people continued to swarm the booth like locusts, new hands grabbing for boxes as quickly as we could fill them.

  Things were just starting to slow down when a young guy wearing a baseball hat approached the booth. He slouched a little but otherwise he was pretty cute. “This where we get the food?” he asked.

  “That’s what they tell me,” I said.

  “How much?”

  “It’s included in the entrance fee.”

  “Well, then give me two,” he said. “There’s this girl I’m hoping to eat dinner with, if she ever has any free time tonight.”

  Melanie laughed. “Go ahead, Rickie. I can cover here.”

  “You sure?” I glanced over at Tanya, who was in the far corner, marking boxes.

  “Oh, for god’s sake,” Mel said. “Go now, before she tells you you can’t.”

  “Right.” Rather than circle around and risk attracting Tanya’s attention, I stepped up on a wooden box and climbed onto the counter. Andrew held out his hand and helped me jump down next to him.

  “Hi, Noah’s mom,” he said and smiled down at me.

  “Hi.” I squeezed his hand, then released it. “Thanks for rescuing me.” We moved off, side by side, no longer touching because we were surrounded by kids and other teachers and parents.

  “Hey, look,” I said, pointing. “There’s that guy—Pammy’s dad. The one who can make me a star. Maybe I should go schmooze him.”

  “Why?” Andrew said. “You see an acting career in your future?”

  “I have It,” I reminded him.

  “Well, don’t go wasting it on him. Anyway, I thought you had decided to become a social worker.”

  “Can’t I be both? A Hollywood starlet and a social worker?”

  “You’d be the first.” We picked our way carefully through the spread-out blankets, beach towels, soda cups, and sprawling kids, threading our way back toward my parents. “Who’s the guy with your family?” Andrew asked as we drew near.

  I sidestepped a plate with a sandwich on it that someone had left on the ground and looked where he was pointing. “Oh. That’s Gabriel’s brother, Ryan. I didn’t know he was coming.” He was reclining lazily on the blanket next to Gabriel, and I felt the rush of surprise and pleasure I always felt when Ryan showed up unexpectedly at some family event or another.

  Then I remembered that a lot had changed since I’d last seen him.

  Ryan jumped to his feet as soon as he saw us. “Rickie!” He put his arms around me and gave me a warmly fraternal kiss on the cheek. I pulled back quickly and introduced him to Andrew. They shook hands. Ryan scrutinized Andrew a little too closely. I hoped Andrew wouldn’t notice that, or the way Gabriel was watching the whole thing with frank curiosity and real concern.

  “Hey,” I said to my mother. “Where’s Noah?”

  “He ran off with Joshua.”

  Five simple words but they made me absurdly happy. My kid had a friend to run off with.

  Andrew plunked himself down on the blanket, and Nicole and Cameron immediately leaped on top of him. Nicole had already made it clear she was very pleased that the PE coach had become a sort of uncle—she was old enough to appreciate the value of connections in high places. Cameron just liked him.

  Ryan tugged on my sleeve. “Come with me to get something to drink,” he said.

  I hesitated but then Andrew looked up and said, “Get me a Coke, will you?” and it seemed okay, so Ryan and I went the long way around the blankets to get back to the other side, where the food and drinks were.

  “It’s good to see you, Rickie,” he said, letting his arm brush against mine as we walked side by side on the grass. “I missed you a lot on this trip. Did you get my e-mail saying I was back?”

  “Yeah. Sorry I didn’t write you back yet. I meant to but—” The truth was I had felt overwhelmed by the task of filling him in on everything.

  “It’s okay. I get it. I told you to change things and you did.” He glanced over at me. “Where’s the ring and nose stud?”

  “I just took them off one night and never put them back in.”

  He patted my head patronizingly. “My little girl is growing up.”

  I shoved him away. “Shut up.”

  “You’re even dressing differently,” he said. “My god, there isn’t a stain on you. And your clothes actually fit.”

  “Yours don’t,” I said, having noticed how they hung on him. “You forget to eat in Turkey?”

  “I had the stomach flu last week. And no one to nurse me through it. I was sick and all alone.” He touched the back of my hand. “Don’t you feel a little sorry for me?”

  “Not really. The drinks are over there.” I pointed.

  “I was lying about wanting a drink,” he said. “I just wanted to talk to you alone.” He pulled me a little farther away from the crowd, into the shadows near the bushes. “So… this guy. Andrew. What’s the story?”

  “He’s nice,” I said. “It’s good.”

  He waited, but I was done.

  “I’m glad for you, Rickie,” he said after a moment, although he didn’t sound particularly glad.

  “Thanks. We should get the drinks and go back.”

  “What’s your rush?” He motioned with his head back toward where we’d come from. “Is he the jealous type?”

  “I don’t know. He doesn’t have any reason to be.” A pause. “You sure you don’t want a drink? They have soda and water. Oh, and juice.”

  “I’m good,” Ryan said. He stuck his hands in his pockets and idly rattled his change. “I think I’ll take off, actually. This isn’t my kind of thing. All these kids running around and screaming…” He gave a little shudder. “Anyway, I really only came to see you.”

  “Why?”

  “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  “I’m fine.”

  He took his hands out of his pockets and held them out toward me. “Then give me a kiss good-bye.” I hesitated but he was already putting his arms around me, so I hugged him back, the feel of his body so familiar against mine it freaked me out a little. I tilted my cheek up for him to kiss, but he deliberately bent lower and got my mouth instead. It wasn’t a quick peck, either: he pressed his mouth hard against mine and didn’t seem like he was going to stop on his own, so I finally ducked away and said good-bye.

  “Have a nice time?” Andrew asked in an unusually tense voice when I returned to the blanket with drinks. Cameron and Nicole had moved over to e
at with their dad and Noah was still missing.

  “Sorry that took so long.” I sat down next to him. “I hadn’t seen Ryan for a long time. He travels a lot.”

  “You two always kiss like that when you see each other?”

  I drew my knees up to my chest and sat there for a moment, hugging them. Then I said, “I told you there was this guy I hung out with sometimes, when he was in town.”

  He thought about that. The way he did. Then he said, “You might have mentioned that he’d be coming here tonight.”

  “I didn’t know.”

  “Did you have to kiss him on the mouth?”

  “He did that, not me.”

  “And you were just an innocent bystander?”

  I shifted toward him and touched him on the arm. “Hey, are you really mad about this?”

  He shrugged. In a way that meant he was mad.

  “He already left,” I said.

  “Is that supposed to be reassuring?”

  “Well, what would be?”

  He looked down at my hand, which was still on his arm. My sleeve had fallen back, revealing my “Noah” tattoo. “How about you get a tattoo with my name? Right across your forehead where everyone can see it. That would be reassuring.”

  At least he was joking about it. I gently pushed myself against his side. “I would, only my mother made me promise no more tattoos.”

  There was a break in the music and some clapping as a singer left the stage and they started setting up for the next performer. A couple of feet away, Gabriel rose to his feet and called out to us, “I’m going to take the kids over to see Mel at the food stand. You need anything?”

  “We’re good, thanks,” I said.

  “Did Ryan take off?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m not surprised,” he said with a sigh.

  Cameron and Nicole jumped up and the three of them wandered off toward the food booth, the two kids dancing at their father’s side, looking like two small pets being walked by their owner.