Ashes to Ashes

by A Lonergan

  "Was it before or after the kingdom was taken over by a tyrant?" His question threw me off. I didn't know what I had been expecting him to say but it wasn't that.

  "Before."

  He swore. "Since Tremaine has taken over the kingdom it has been five months."

  I had been gone for too long and hadn't known it. Were my parents still alive? I doubted it. My shoulders fell and I left him to his work. I couldn't handle human interaction any longer. My chest ached and there was no way I could tell this man who I was. He was, after all, an enemy to the crown. How long had he been stealing carriages and things from my family before Tremaine? I couldn't trust him, even if he had helped me and was keeping me safe. What would happen if he knew my true identity?

  Twenty-Eight

  The days were long but fulfilling. It had been a week and the rest of the men were still gone. In their absence I had learned how to throw knives. I was only a beginner but every time I threw Robin said I improved. He constantly commented about how surprised he was with my arm. I had almost laughed that day. I had almost given myself away. I had almost told him about another time when I had thrown temper tantrums, shoes and books. But as much as I almost did, I never let the words escape. He would never understand those times and I didn't have the heart to share them with someone else. Someone besides the gardener.

  Pain clutched my chest. I had gone so long without thinking of him. With keeping his memory away so I didn't feel the pain. The pain of betraying him and everyone else I cared for, but as I continued to practice I couldn't stop the pain in my chest. It doubled me over and tears pricked my eyes. This was all my fault and there was nothing I could do to fix it. Nothing while I was still injured.

  I clutched my chest and tried to blink the tears away but it was no use. Robin must have taken one look at me and freaked out. He ran across the room and grabbed my shoulders.

  "Are you okay? What happened? Did you pop a stitch? I should have known better than to let you start this so soon!" His voice was thick with worry as he helped me sit on the floor.

  I shook him off of me and placed the rest of the knives next to my cane. The tears streamed down my face and there was nothing I could do to stop them. The suffering was far too much. I shrugged his hands off of my shoulders. "I'm fine, I was just remembering another time. A painful one."

  "Ella, we all have a past. We all have things we have to cope with. You went through months of torture at the hands of evil women. If anyone can get through these painful memories, you can."

  I hiccuped and looked down at my dirty, callused hands. "If you knew what I did, you would hate me as much as I do."

  His hand moved up and down my back. "Doubtful. We are always the hardest on ourselves. Plus, I don't judge a past. I judge the future, the present, and what you're going to do to improve who you are going to be. Not who you were."

  He held his hand down to me. I took it and looked into his eyes that were full of compassion. "We all have a past. We all have things we aren't proud of, Ella. Including me. I have a lot of regrets from before the takeover."

  I wiped my cheeks as he helped me stand and retrieved my cane for me. I leaned on it heavily and tried to sound light when I asked, "Oh yeah? You? I don't believe it."

  "Mine might not be as heavy of a burden to bear as yours but they haunt me all the same." Robin's eyebrows pulled together in the middle and he walked out of the room. Just before he was gone I heard, "I have a lot more to do with the takeover than anyone could have ever imagined."

  Chills ignited over my arms. What kind of business was Robin dealing in? Had I stumbled upon something that would lead to more destruction?

  * * *

  I sat at the table and peeled an apple. Robin had insisted it would help me develop faster skills with my fingers but as I continued to peel another fruit, I wondered if he just didn't like the skin. As I was thinking that, the man waltzed into the room. He plucked an apple from the basket, with its skin still on it, and took a big bite out of it. The bottom half of his face was covered in a thick stubble, the beginnings of a beard and the rest of his face was hidden by the hood. He pulled the apple from his mouth and his teeth flashed a smile. A gorgeous smile at that. It blindsided me. I hadn't expected him to be good looking, much less smiley today. My fingers itched to take the hood from his head, to see the man that had been hidden from me for too long. But I knew if I did that I would jeopardize the friendship I hoped we were building.

  "How much longer do you think the rest of the men will be gone?"

  Robin shrugged at my question. "I have no idea. Apparently, Tremaine was sending gifts to the kingdom next door to ours. It's about a week’s ride to get even halfway there. It will probably be a few more weeks. Why?"

  "Why do you think she is sending gifts to them?" I asked but I already knew the answer. It was because of Priscella's engagement to their heir. The kingdom obviously wanted to come out on top with all of this. I couldn't blame them, but then again, there was no way I would trust them again when I regained my home.

  Robin shrugged. "I would imagine they are forming some kind of treaty so Tremaine doesn't attack them. I don't know but my men are going to stop the caravan and bring those gifts to our people that are dying here. The clean water has been cut off unless the people pay more taxes."

  Guilt clutched my heart.

  "Every single village. Every single sector has been cut off from their essentials. The bathing houses are closed. The Inns can hardly stay open unless they sell their women and the farmers hardly have anything left to sell. The Crown takes it all and leaves them with barely anything for their own families or for the communities. We are trying to do the best we can." His voice broke and he hung his head. He cared about the people so much. I could hear it with every word. He hung his shoulders and shook his head.

  "I want to help. I want to be able to help the people. I need to get better so I can do that." As much as the guilt hurt, the thought of being able to rectify my mistakes helped give me hope. The hope I needed to be able to take my home back.

  Twenty-Nine

  Alister

  Ella was starting to make me curious. Every day she washed up. I could hear the water running. I could hear her washing her body, but when she came out of the bathing chamber her hair and face remained the same. The same thick dirt sat on her face like she was trying to hide something. She was getting stronger and her limp was beginning to fade. I gave her a few more weeks until she was fully recovered. If that.

  She gave me a scowl as I handed her a cup of black liquid. It was the only thing that was helping her body recover so quickly. "You know you have to drink it."

  "And I'll always hate it."

  "Just think about it this way, if you don't drink it, you can't get out there and fight with us. You’ll be stuck here longer and going crazier.” I winked at her and she shook her head before downing the liquid in one swallow. She gagged and bent over like she always did.

  “Fine, but I want my own suit.” She eyed my hood.

  I smiled. She was getting a bit ahead of herself. “It will come with time.”

  “No, it’ll come sooner, rather than later.” She crossed her arms over her chest and she reminded me of Arabella. She laughed and I was almost transported to the past, back to her arms that night at dinner. Chills ignited up my skin and I turned away from Ella. “Do you really expect me to go out there and fight while people know I’m a girl? That would never work. I have to be on an even playing field.”

  I pressed my lips together, no longer in the mood to talk about this. I didn’t know if I could stand to be around her anymore today. It brought too much feeling into the equation. It brought too much pain to the forefront of my mind. I brushed past her.

  “We will talk about it when you’re fully healed and can protect yourself properly.” I paused. “And when you can wash your hair and get rid of the stench that follows you around like a dead animal.”

  She didn’t say anything and she didn’t follow
me. I didn’t blame her, I had been rude, but it was the only way to push her away. I couldn’t let her get too close, if I did she would know I was to blame for most of this mess. That I was partly responsible for the kingdom being in flames.

  Thirty

  Arabella

  He knew. He had to know I wasn’t who I said I was. At every turn Robin insisted I wash my hair or my face. I had managed to wash the rest of my body, but I knew as soon as my golden locks were clean everyone would know. At least, that’s what I assumed. I had no idea if the men that had been around me had served in the castle, but with their skills, I figured many of them had to.

  I shoved my hands into my hair and groaned. I had to recover quicker. I couldn’t stay here in this treehouse for much longer without going insane. The little human interaction I got with Robin wasn’t enough. I sunk down to the floor and buried my face in my hands. Despair clutched at my heart again. I was truly hopeless. I clenched my jaw and then unclenched it. I would do whatever it took to get out of here. I would do whatever it took to avenge my family, my kingdom and my people. Tears pricked at my eyes. Alister. I would do anything I could to avenge him too. How had I let myself push his memory away this much that the thought of him hurt? It physically rocked me to my core.

  I sniffled and pulled myself from the floor. I was done feeling sorry for myself. All I needed was to get my act together and change the future.

  The armory smelled like leather and steel. It had become my new favorite smell. I ran my fingertips along the handles of the knives and the swords, stopping on my favorite two. The throwing knives weren’t very big, which was perfect. They were easy to hide and even easier to wield. Or rather, they were getting easier to use. I tested one in the palm of my hand before I let it fly. This time it missed the target completely. I let out a huff of air. I wasn’t breathing through the throws and it would be the death of me. I rubbed my thumb and pointer fingers together before I picked up the next knife. I wasn’t a master at it, but the feeling felt like home. It was comfortable and free.

  I inhaled then exhaled just as I released the blade. It sunk into the corner of the target with a thud. My shoulders slumped and I went back to observing the weapons hung on the wall behind me. Each one was worn out with love and respect. Many hours had been spent here mastering these weapons. Sadness washed over me. I could have been here when I ran away. Instead of all the time lost wanting something that was never meant to be, I could have been with other misfits. I could have been anywhere but with the family that should have never gotten that title.

  I swiped at my cheeks with anger. Tears weren’t allowed here. Only blood and sweat. At least that was what I told myself every time I came here to break down. Every time I got familiar with a new weapon and Robin left for the day, I would fall apart. It seemed like nothing could hold me together these days. I clenched my jaw again. I would be whole again someday.

  Thirty-One

  Alister

  Sniffles.

  The damn sniffles would be the death of me. They seemed to vibrate through my soul. Every single one met me on the other side of the armory door. After every practice I would hear the same thing. And no matter how hard I tried, the sniffles followed me everywhere I went, especially into my nightmares.

  But instead of running away like I was accustomed to, I knocked on the door. The crying stopped and Ella’s voice rang out pitifully, “Come in.”

  I pulled the hood low over my face and opened the door. There she was with her arms wrapped around her knees in the corner of the room. Her aim had been terrible with the throwing knives but emotions would do that to you. They would kill you if they got in the way during combat.

  I knelt down beside her then mimicked her stance on the floor. “You okay?”

  “Never better.” She wouldn’t look at me.

  “I’m not the best when it comes to expressing how I feel but I’m pretty sure that you aren’t okay and I would like to fix that.” And I did want that more than anything. I couldn’t stand the tears or the sadness. It broke me like losing Arabella did. There was something about her. Something that screamed at me to take care of her, so that’s what I would do. I would do better. I would try harder. The end game? I wasn’t entirely sure yet, but I needed the poor girl to be happy again. If she ever was. If not, I planned on changing that. We needed the brightness that a woman could bring. We needed the light that only she could shine. We needed her and I wanted nothing more than to show her just how much.

  “It’s just a lot to process. I wish I would have been found by one of you instead of those vile women. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted months cleaning and scrubbing my fingers away. I would have much rathered to be here with all of you, learning and fighting beside you.”

  I chuckled and brushed a piece of her dirty hair from her tear-streaked face. “Who’s to say we would have let you?”

  She wouldn’t look at me, she rarely did. What would she find? Nothing new that was for sure. “I guess you’re right.”

  “But that doesn’t mean you aren’t of value now.” My voice was soft but her face remained the same. I didn’t know how to improve her mood through words, but I could try through actions. “We have both been tiptoeing around each other this whole time. Why don’t we have dinner together tomorrow?”

  She gave me a curious glance. “You can cook?”

  “I’ve learned a few things and I’m sure it would beat raw fruit for every meal. Did your mother even teach you how to be a proper housewife?”

  Her face fell and I knew I was doing terrible at this. “No, she didn’t. I don’t know much about being a proper wife. Though, my parents had planned to marry me off soon.” She coughed. “More like sell me off, but whatever. I would have eventually picked up on a few things.”

  “There’s always a first time for everything.” I picked her hand up in my gloves one and just held it. I didn’t know why I did it. I didn’t know if it helped but it brought some warmth through my heart and I hoped it had done the same for her.

  * * *

  I wanted to beat myself up for leaving her there in the armory, but I had other business to attend to. Like the pigeon down in the base of the tree trunk pecking at the bell in its cage. I slid down the pole, through the dark tunnel and landed at our base of operations, where the real action happened. I pulled the small piece of parchment from the cuff on the dove.

  All carriages have been acquired. One man down but more medicine than we will know what to do with. One week’s ride out.

  * * *

  Relief coursed through my veins but at the same time sadness. Would we have had a casualty if I had been there to see through the operation? I clicked my tongue before I kicked a stool. It hit the map on the wall before one of its legs splintered off. I ripped the hood off of my head and let my shoulders relax for the first time in a few days.

  This was the only safe place I had that I could take the hood off and not worry whether she would see me or not. The only place that I could be myself and not worry.

  I took my time tending to the fruits and vegetables in the garden by my desk before I picked the stool up and marked the carriage’s location off of the map. The ink looked like fresh blood slashed across the paper stretched on the wall. I clicked my tongue again. I pulled my knife out of the pocket on my pants and cleaned the dirt from under my fingernails. That was the one thing my mother had beat into me. Good hygiene even though I worked in the gardens or the fields. I was never permitted to come home if I had dirt under my nails.

  After I felt like my hands were clean enough, I braced my hands on either corner of the desk and looked over the letters scattered about. We had a lot of work to do if we were going to get Tremaine off of the throne.

  Thirty-Two

  Arabella

  To wash my hair or to not wash my hair? I no longer needed my cane and was able to pace across the floor of Robin’s bedroom. He had insisted that I get my own space, but I didn’t feel like I was permanent enough for tha
t just yet, not with my injuries still in recovery.

  Was this a date or just dinner? What did this mean that he felt he needed to take care of me? He was so broody and I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was going to drive me bonkers. Was I thinking about it too much? Probably. I looked at my very limited clothing and decided this wasn’t going to be a date of any kind. How could I court someone and have nothing to court them in?

  Robin had told me countless times how much he wished he could provide me with proper clothing, but funds were tight and they were trying to feed each sector. They were trying and failing with trying to keep my kingdom alive, and here I was worried about what I was going to wear to dinner.

  I took a deep breath and reminded myself of what was important. My outfit and hair certainly weren’t, but it helped to feel good about myself and that was something I hadn’t felt in a long while.

  Instead of washing my hair, I brushed it. At this point, I wondered if my hair would still look the same once I washed it or if it would all fall out. It wasn’t as matted as before, since I had brushed out the blood and most of the dirt, but it was still brown and not the beautiful blonde I remembered. I placed the brush beside the washbasin and looked at myself. The once beautiful face was now scarred and dirty. I tried to smile, but I didn’t know if I still had it in me. But there was a little hope there. A little hope as there was a knock on the door but I still wasn’t dressed. I looked at my surprised face in the mirror before I rushed to wrap a towel around myself.

  When I opened the door Robin was gone, but sitting there on the floor was a bundle of clothes and on top of the pile was a silver necklace. The necklace was sitting on a folded piece of parchment. My throat closed with emotion and I hurried to bring the clothes into his bedroom before I kicked the door closed behind me. The motion caused my leg to ache but I was too excited to care or to stop and worry. The clothes weren’t anything extravagant, but they were certainly special. I laid the silver chain on the bedside table before I unfolded the note.