— "Did you hire sweeties? "
— "Yes. Jenna needed extra cash, and Carole was motivated. "
I almost choked. If I was happy about the first girl, I couldn’t say the same about the second one, Carole. She was crazy about Ash. I still remembered our special moment together…Stop! It was useless. I gave Mona a fake smile, before telling her that I approved.
— "So, they got a promotion? "
— "You can say that. They will get more money from the club, but they still have to take good care of its members, if you know what I mean."
« Good care», these words made me laugh. Mona was straightforward, when she had something to say. I decided to play the game, so I didn’t beat around the bush.
— "Oh, I see… So, they are barmaids and private hookers for the members of the club… but they will get a raise, right? " I said softly.
Mona laughed out loud, as she put a hand on my shoulder.
— "You’re a fast learner, " she said jokingly.
I laughed politely, before cleaning a few tables. I served a group of clients, but the Devil’s was not busy. On a weeknight, it never was. Customers came to see the shows on the weekend. My heart skipped a beat, when my phone vibrated in my rear pocket. It was only a mail. When I saw the name of Adam Jefferson, I knew exactly what it was about. His message was a job description for the position at UCSF. I stopped cleaning and read the whole text.
I was perfect for the job. After having worked three years in the psychiatric ward, I wanted to do something different, and the effervescence of the ER appealed to me. The position would be open at the beginning of the summer. As I expected, my dear Adam offered to help with my application. If I was aware of his motivations, going back to my old life was something I considered seriously. I needed to think about it with a clear mind, and it wasn’t the right moment to do so. I checked my messages, but there were none. I pretended I didn’t care and put my phone back into my pocket. Wasn’t a fool. The same thoughts had been going round and round in my head for two days. No sign of Trevor Laurens, but I didn’t want to bother him, as he was spending time with his family.
I went back behind the counter, feeling a bit down. I wanted so much for the story to end happily, but I knew it was impossible and childish. Was it also immoral? I hated my romantic side. I needed a good reality check. At that moment, things were crystal clear. I realized my feelings always had been there, even if they had been hidden. Time had brought us closer, and I always looked forward to sharing these moments that had become significant to me. Sometimes they were seconds or minutes. We had spent several delightful and intense hours that had brought a smile back on my face, and they had helped me to trust again. I sighed. I was completely aware it was a mistake to hold on to these feelings. It couldn’t be, and I knew he felt that way. Still, I couldn’t resist, and I sent him a text message.
« Can we meet? »
I heard the creaking sound of the front door, and I saw my father followed by Hanger, Lazar, and Foxy. They greeted my brother, who was still playing with Bigma. Then, Gale and Billy came into the bar. A few “hellos” were exchanged, and the president of the Wild Crows kissed me. I hastily put away my phone in my pocket, like a child afraid to be caught red-handed.
— "Are you alright? "My father asked
— "Yeah, I’m fine, " I reassured him. "Meeting? "
He glanced at his men, who were already climbing the stairs.
— "Indeed. "
— "Top secret? " I said jokingly.
He smiled.
— "We might hire a new man. "
I frowned.
— "The guy will need to prove himself before he can wear one of our jackets and be called a rightful member of the Wild Crows. "
— "I see…"
— "Tell me, one thing, sweetheart. We never had a chance to talk about it, but I need to know. "
His face darkened, which made me feel nervous. I was all ears.
— "You’ve been with us for six months now. It’s a blessing, but I want to know. Are you staying with us?"
I was so stunned that I dropped my cloth on the table. His question was legitimate. I had come into his life unexpectedly. At first, I just wanted to see if it could work, and I had never had a chance to discuss the matter with him. Even if he had a badass attitude, my father needed answers and to be reassured. I didn’t need any time to think about my answer.
— "I’m not going away, Daddy."
His face relaxed, and he laughed. His white teeth appeared in his white beard, and the warmth that emanated from it touched me. I smiled too.
— "Glad to hear it. "
— "I have nothing over there, and I don’t want to lose what I’ve found here."
He took me in his arms, and we stayed like that for a minute. His strong body and the smell of his leather jacket made me feel good.
— "I know it’s not always easy, but I’ll do my best to protect you …"
— "At least I’m never bored," I said jokingly.
He smiled. I could see relief in his eyes.
— "The men are waiting for me."
— "You go now," I replied.
He quickly kissed his wife and climbed to the stairs to preside the meeting. Mona gave me a warm smile. Seeing her husband happy was priceless to this woman, who would have done anything for her loved ones.
We heard the noise of chairs being pulled on the hardwood floor, and I went back to work. This talk with my father had energized me. I had clearly said that my place was with them and it was a big step. Still, I would have to talk about my career plans, and I was nervous about it. If I decided to work at the hospital, I would have to give up my position at the Devil’s. It meant that I would not spend so much time with him anymore. Nothing was set in stone, but something told me that Adam Jefferson always got what he wanted, or mostly.
A group of women came into the bar, and I attended their table. Even though I was busy, three letters kept buzzing in my mind. They had become so important to me that it was unnerving. I had so many questions without answers. It bothered me.
— "Will you attend the funeral tomorrow? "
Jenna was in the kitchen. I hadn’t seen her walk through the front door.
— "I was talking about the little girl’s," she added.
— "Well… Yes, I think. "
She looked sad.
— "It’s so sad. I hate Bowman. He’s a jerk. Still, nobody should have to go through this. "
— "I agree…"
Carole walked in. She greeted her friend, but she ignored me.
— "Hi there, " I said between my teeth.
Jenna looked amused.
— "You are going to work together. Time will make things better. "She said.
— "I don’t even know why she doesn’t like me! " I replied.
Jenna gave me an enigmatic smile, before leaving me, so she could attend a table where a group of customers was sitting.
— "You can go now, " Mona told me. "Three is enough! I will put tomorrow’s schedule in your mailbox."
I thanked her politely and let the girls do their job. I thought working would help me forget. I would have to find something else. I was back to square one. I felt weak and vulnerable. I chose the easy option and grabbed a stool on the other side of the bar. Jenna gave me a beer. I checked my phone a few times, and realized I had no friends or boyfriend thinking of me. I didn’t even have news about my future job. I was finishing my second beer, when my brother came with his friends. He took the stool next to me, and we drank together. I asked him about his girlfriends, but he didn’t answer, probably thinking it would be inappropriate to discuss the matter with his sister. There were so many inappropriate things going on these days. It was in the air. He asked me about my sentimental life, but I ordered a round of beers to stop the flow of questions. Jenna looked amused, while Carole’s face darkened. I disliked her more and more.
— "So, are you going to tell me why you are drinking
tonight? " Asked my brother.
— "I didn’t know I needed a reason."
He laughed. The bar was now crowded, and he shared the latest news with me.
— "So, what’s his name? " I asked.
— "What are you talking about? "
— "The future member of the Wild Crow."
— "Oh, Dad told you?"
— "Yep! " I said proudly.
— "Alexander. Xander. He’s an idiot, but… let’s say we were obliged to his “father.” "
— "His birth father?"
My brother laughed, before finishing his beer.
— "You still have a lot to learn!"
— "Fine. I intend to stick around!"
We gave each other a high five, and laughed like two kids. Both of us were delighted to belong to the same family – and except for these people, I had no one left. It was amazing to see how easy we were getting along. It was natural between he and I, Mona, or my dad. The past twenty-seven years didn’t matter anymore. They could go to hell! I was living my life to its fullest with them, and no danger signs could have prevented me from doing so.
Suddenly, Casey stood up to talk to a new hot sweetie, who was also in her twenties. Watching him, as he was chatting her up, made me smile. Boys would be boys. I decided it was time for me to stop drinking, so I asked for the check. Getting drunk would not solve my problems. I had already walked down that path, and it had been a disaster. I had this tendency to think I was Wonder Woman when I was drunk, except that she could walk on a straight line and look normal, and I couldn’t. I said goodbye to Mona and Jenna, before giving a big fake smile to Carole. When I walked outside in the cold air, I shivered. I saw two guys, smoking a fag, but I kept on walking. I was looking forward to going back home. As I was reaching the steps, someone grabbed my arm.
— "Eh… there you are! "
It was a miracle...Or a hallucination. Ash stared at me, before looking away. I almost laughed. He was so predictable.
— "I had your message. " He said nervously, while he stroked his beard.
— "Well…"
Why was I losing all my confidence, when he was around? It wasn’t like me to be so nervous! I felt stupid…
— "You wanted to see me? " He asked me, while he turned around to check if we were alone.
— "I wanted to make sure you were alright... "
He shrugged.
— "Not too bad given the circumstances."
His voice was harder than usual. We had been close lately, but at that moment, he was pushing me away. I could see that his attitude towards me had changed. I hated it.
— "Do you want to come in?"
He shook his head and waved his hand.
— "Bad idea"
— "I just want to talk!"
One more time, Ash checked that no member of the club was around. He looked at me strangely, and walked in the shadow. I followed.
— "I know," he whispered.
— "Do you refuse to talk to me because of the guys, or do you think it’s not worth it? "
He looked down, and I realized I was losing him. Instinctively, I put my hand in his. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn’t help it. He stared at me. His eyes had changed, and they were not so cold anymore. I was in front of the real Ash, who didn’t need to pretend to impress the other guys.
— "Both," he finally said.
I was stunned. My heart skipped a beat. I would have preferred to be slapped in the face. I took a step back.
— "So, that’s it? Are you going to avoid me from now on?"
— "Joe," he whispered.
— "Did I do something wrong? "
— "No."
— "Talk to me!"
He bit his lip. A part of me — even though I was drunk — wanted to fight. Sadly, there seemed to be no hope.
— "It was a mistake. Is that what you think?" I asked defiantly.
He stared at me, before lowering his eyes. For god’s sake…if he was so sure of his feelings, why couldn’t he express them clearly? It was driving me crazy.
— "It was," he admitted.
I winced. I took a deep breath, so I wouldn’t scream to his face what I had on my mind.
— "What a surprise! " I said bitterly.
— "Joe, it’s not that simple. You know it…"
— "I don’t agree!" I said, pointing my finger at him aggressively. "You, Trevor Laurens, are a coward. "
He turned around again. He was nervous, because my voice was getting louder. He made me take another step back, so no one would see us.
— "You’re a liar and a coward. The only mistake I can think of is believing that I knew you. These things happen. There’s nothing I can do about it. So, tell me I’m right, and we’ll be fine! "
Pointing my finger at him, I took a step forward.
— "And mistakes are things we regret. " I added.
I swallowed hard, but I couldn’t stop myself, probably because I was intoxicated.
— "You kissed me. " I whispered, bringing my lips close to his. "More than once. And I don’t believe you regret it. "
The atmosphere was tense. I was so close to him that I could feel his heartbeat. Still, I didn’t cross the line. I didn’t want to give him that satisfaction. I wouldn’t be the one to make this “mistake” a second time. He was old enough to make his own choices.
I kept my forehead against his for a minute. The temptation was eating me up, but we were divided by our opposite views on our relationship. When his blue eyes dived into mine, it took all the strength I had, not to drown in them. He looked so sad that I didn’t know what to think. No, it was impossible…
— "You’re right. I’m a coward. It’s better this way. Especially for you. "
I took a step back.
— "You should go home, Joe. "
— "That was the plan, " I said bitterly.
Then, I left, feeling hurt and disappointed. I climbed the stairs, without looking back. When I walked into my apartment, I went straight to the window and pulled the curtains to watch him. He was already on his Harley, which was parked at the end of the parking lot. I watched him drive away, feeling like my heart had been ripped from my chest and thrown into a garbage can. The sound of his engine became more and more distant. I placed my hand over my mouth, trying to figure out what had gone wrong between us. It didn’t make any sense. Was I stupid enough, not to have seen he didn’t care? No, it was impossible. Our connection couldn’t be broken so easily. Still, our complicity, which had grown over the last few months, was about to disappear because of his ego. He couldn’t deny that we were attracted to each other. I needed to be next to him, see him and listen to his voice … and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t reciprocal. Was I naive?
I spent the whole evening going over a story that hadn’t started yet. When Janice Joplin appeared on my TV screen, I winced. Why was it happening to me?
CHAPTER 28
Joe
Drama always helped me to stay on the right path, at least for a while. My reflection in the mirror showed a tired and gloomy face. I hadn’t been able to sleep the night before. My throat and my chest were painful, but I couldn’t complain. Not today. In my closet, I grabbed the same little black dress that I had worn a few months ago. I shed a tear. It was stupid, but its smell made me sad. Maybe memories had a fragrance. I would have given anything to make Mack appear before me. Despite his treason, I had forgiven him. I only wanted to remember the strong young man I had known. He had never stopped battling his demons. His fight was a message of hope that I would always remember… He would forever be the son of the wind.
I sighed. I was extremely on edge due to the lack of sleep. An innocent and small angel was about to be buried because she had crossed path with a monster. I tied my hair, after putting on my jacket. The sun wasn’t shinning, so the little blond girl would be put into the ground under grey skies.
I went to the parking lot and realized it was empty. There was not even one Harley
left. I looked at my watch and thought they probably were on their way.
I started my Comet and drove to the cemetery. While I was driving, memories of Mack kept coming to my mind. I prayed that he would take care of the little girl in heaven. I wasn’t a real believer, but it was comforting thinking it might be possible. It was a form of relief imagining that our loved ones were up there, watching over us and following what happened in our lives.
Wild Crows - 2. Revelation : english version Page 19
