Where It All Lands

by Jennie Wexler

  I step inside, and the air is thick with sweat and beer. Nerves bubble up inside me as I squish through a group of guys jumping around to relentless beats pounding from the speakers. Brent thrashes into me, spilling some of his beer down my tank top.

  “My bad, party foul,” he says, laughing. My shirt sticks to my back as I glare at him, too preoccupied to care about his antics. Brent chugs his beer and crushes it between his hands. I don’t belong here. I belong back in my room with Shane making our lists. But screw Shane and his lists and his coin toss. And screw Drew too.

  I shimmy past the beer pong table as Tom sinks a ball in a red Solo cup, the football team cheering around him as he chugs. Jenna plants a kiss on his cheek, the homecoming crown still resting on top of her head. My eyes dart around the party as she runs up to me.

  “Who are you looking for?” Jenna asks as Tom pitches another ping-pong ball across the table.

  I’m tempted to tell Jenna everything. To have someone hear me and assure me it’s all going to be okay. But the only person I want to tell, the only person I ever want to tell anything to, is Shane.

  “Is Drew around?” I ask.

  “Back there.” Jenna gestures at the patio and I quickly thank her, determined to get answers.

  I pull open the screen door and step on the wooden deck. Drew’s leaning on the railing, a beer in his right hand. I’m surprised he’s out here alone, and he looks just as surprised to see me.

  “Hey,” he says, taking a sip of beer. “Aren’t you supposed to be with Shane?”

  My insides are burning lava, tiny embers flicking my bones at the mention of Shane’s name. I glare at Drew, thousands of words flying through my mind at once. Liar. Fake. Full of it.

  Dick. Player. Asshole.

  “Stevie, are you okay?” He steps to me. “You’re shaking. Is everything okay with Shane? Where is he?” His eyes shift to the door, as if Shane might be behind me.

  “You flipped a coin for me,” I say evenly.

  Drew’s face turns to stone and he steps back, setting his beer down on the patio table. His eyes shift to the side like he’s thinking really hard, and his mouth falls open. He doesn’t move until he tucks his hair behind his ears.

  “What did he tell you?” he asks, still not looking at me. He knows the answer, I don’t have to say it. Drew pulls on the sleeve of his military jacket and sits on the railing, his knee poking through a rip in his jeans.

  “It wasn’t like that,” he says, and I swear if I hear those words one more time I’ll scream. I’ll move. I’ll beg my dad to get another coaching gig. I’ll pack up all my things in a way only I know how and move to another town, another state where no one knows me. I’ll start over like I always do.

  “Tell me, Drew. What exactly was it like?” I cross my arms over my chest and jut one foot out. I’m not buying this for a second.

  “That first day, when we all met. When I saw you…” He scratches the back of his head, charcoal hair grazing his cheeks. “I just … I just liked you. Okay?”

  I stare at his sincere dark eyes in disbelief.

  “Anyway, Shane’s my best friend, and we both wanted to ask you out. We were fighting about it. And Shane and I, well, we do this thing where we flip a coin so we don’t fight. God, that sounds childish. But you should know, it was my asinine idea to flip that coin. Not Shane’s. Shane wanted no part in it.”

  “I’m not talking to him right now,” I say. “If you’re telling the truth, why did you leave it up to chance?”

  Drew pulls his sleeve down again and hops off the railing, taking a step closer to me. He raises his eyebrows.

  “Because I thought it would be me who got to ask you out.”

  His hair falls around his face as his dark eyes take hold of me and don’t let go. I take a deep breath and ask the question swirling around my mind.

  “And what if it was you?”

  “I don’t know,” he says, never breaking his gaze, my insides turning to liquid. “Would you have … I mean … did you…”

  “I would have,” I say. I know I would have. It’s not the thought I want to be having or the words I want to be saying, but it’s the truth.

  “And now? Now that you know?”

  I should walk away, but I’m too mad at Shane for lying to me and I’m too curious to find out what Drew’s going to say next.

  “I just wanted to know you,” Drew says, his face so close to mine that I can smell beer on his lips.

  “I did too,” I say. “But everything changed after we met on that first day. And now…”

  “I know,” he says.

  For a brief flash I see a version of us. A version where Drew’s driving his Jeep faster than he should and I’m laughing, my hair flying around my face. A version where he makes me stretch beyond the person I am until I become someone else. But in that version, I’m the person I always was, and I don’t need to stretch or bend. I see me. I see me choosing Shane even if in that version a penny chooses Drew.

  “Maybe it would have been different,” Drew says. “But maybe not. The bottom line is Shane and I never should have flipped a coin to decide who gets to ask you out. It wasn’t cool.”

  “You what?”

  Drew and I snap our heads to the doorway. Ray stands there holding two beer bottles, staring hard at Drew.

  “Shit,” Drew says, starting for her. “Ray, it’s not what it…”

  “You wanted to ask her out? You liked her?” Ray’s voice breaks. She drops both bottles, the glass shattering all over the deck, beer seeping through the wooden panels.

  “It was before,” Drew says, reaching for her, but she pulls away.

  “Forget it. I’m done.” Her hazel eyes turn green with hurt as they shift to me. “Stevie, did you know about this? When we texted earlier did you know?”

  “I—” My words stammer up my throat. “I was going to tell you tonight.”

  “How could you not tell me the second you found out? Stevie, how?”

  “This isn’t her fault,” Drew says, stepping between us, reaching for Ray’s hand.

  Ray glares at him, her shoulders rising and falling fast with her breath. She turns back to me, tears lining her eyes. I shouldn’t have come here and confronted Drew like this. Ray’s right, I should have told her first. She pushes the tears off her face and then looks at Drew with all the contempt in the world. “Leave me alone. For good, this time.”

  Ray storms back into the house, and Drew runs after her. I’m left outside in the cold, still shaking, wishing I could take it all back. My phone vibrates in my bag, demanding my attention.

  Sarah

  You okay? What’s going on?

  When I don’t respond, a FaceTime call from Sarah comes through and I pick it up. She blinks her ocean eyes as her image comes into focus. And seeing her, that silver streak of hair still framing her face, makes tears fall fast down my cheeks.

  “Jesus, Stevie, what happened?” Sarah’s voice gives me strength and I realize how much I missed her.

  “Drew and Shane flipped a coin for me. Well, to decide who would get to ask me out. It was Drew’s idea,” I say, still not entirely believing the words as they fall from my mouth. I sit on a lawn chair, my elbows on my knees, staring into my phone and waiting for Sarah’s reaction. Her eyes remain calm but a slight twitch tugs at the corner of her mouth.

  “Sarah?” I need her to get it. To be outraged like I am. “They don’t view me as a girl. They view me as a thing. Doesn’t that bother you?”

  “Of course it bothers me. I would be livid if I were in your situation.” Her eyebrows furrow but then slowly relax. “But I can’t help seeing it in another way. Two guys were fighting over you. I would kill for two guys to fight over me.”

  “They weren’t fighting. It’s not like they got into a cheesy teen movie brawl over me. They made a deal.”

  “Well, when you put it that way it does sound kinda gross.” Sarah wrinkles her nose. “But not unforgivable.”

 
; “It’s like this,” I say, desperate for Sarah to understand. “I thought this whole thing with Shane happened because I wanted it to happen and because he wanted it to happen.”

  “He did want it to happen.”

  “But he left it all up to chance and that’s what makes me sick to my stomach—that he could look at me like a prize instead of an actual person.”

  “But I thought you said it was Drew’s idea.”

  “It was. But Shane went along with it. He could’ve said no.”

  “But—” Sarah starts to say, but I cut her off.

  “He was helping me rehearse for All-State tryouts. Did I tell you that?”

  Trying out now seems like the worst idea in the universe. I don’t know what made me think I could possibly get in.

  “You didn’t tell me. That’s amazing.” Sarah stops talking and squints at me as my eyes shift away from the phone. “Oh, do not pull this crap, Stevie. You’d better try out.”

  “What makes you think I’m bailing on it?”

  “Promise me you’ll still try out,” Sarah says. I don’t respond. A “poor connection” message flashes on my phone. I can no longer see Sarah, but I can still hear her.

  “Stevie Rosenstein. Promise me.”

  The screen flashes to black, the connection lost completely. It’s just as well. I’ve already lost it all.

  CHAPTER 11

  Shane

  NOVEMBER

  I leave Stevie another voice mail, number twenty. One a day since my confession. No texting because I want her to hear my voice, to know how sorry I am. She hasn’t picked up yet, but I won’t stop trying. The other day I caught her looking at me during band class. It’s unclear if her gaze was directed at me or the clock, but I’m going to count it. Plus, at the Thanksgiving game this afternoon, she made actual eye contact with me, her deep eyes lingering on mine, my heart rate spiking. I almost had the balls to hop down the bleachers and apologize again in person. But then she snapped her attention to the field as Ray completely missed the final field goal, losing our last game of the season. The crowd hissed and booed, and Ray ripped her helmet off, throwing it on the grass. It’s like my confession caused this ripple effect, not only screwing up my life and Stevie’s life, but messing with Ray and Drew. Last I heard, Ray unfollowed Drew on Instagram and deleted all their photos together. It’s like last year all over again, except this time Drew’s barely talking to me. When he asked me to meet him at Dino’s a few hours after Mom, Lainey, and I polished off the last of the turkey, I immediately replied yes. And now I’m here, heading up the diner’s steps, a cold breeze cutting through my jacket to my skin and straight to my bones. I hate Dino’s but I’ll do anything to stop the ripple, to maybe even reverse it.

  “Wait up,” calls Drew. He slams the door to his Jeep. I head down the steps and meet him on the sidewalk. He blows into his hands, his breath making a small cloud in the night air. “Fucking freezing outside,” he says as he reaches me. He’s freezing because he’s in a leather jacket layered over a hoodie. I zip my North Face up to my chest and bury my hands in the pockets.

  “Hey,” I say, unsure if Drew’s gonna rip me a new one, but he doesn’t say anything. I step closer to him as he stares at the concrete, his face pale and his hair a mess. “Are you okay?”

  “My dad,” Drew says, his eyes shifting to the side, glassy. The wind picks up, stinging my face as a panic settles over me.

  “Is he okay?”

  “Of course he’s okay,” Drew says, meeting my eyes. He tucks his hair behind his ears and glances up at the dark sky, shaking his head, like he’s pissed at the world. “He bailed on Thanksgiving. Last minute as usual. I just…” Drew’s voice cracks and I put my hand on his shoulder, like I used to when we were little. One time, Drew’s dad missed his basketball league tournament, and his game-winning slam dunk. I sat with Drew after the final buzzer and even though he tried his hardest not to cry, it all fell out of him. We were little and I didn’t know what to do so I put my hand on his shoulder, just like I’m doing now.

  Drew pulls me in for a hug, but he doesn’t cry. I haven’t seen him cry since that day after basketball.

  “You’re the only one I can talk to about this stuff,” he says, releasing me. He pinches the bridge of his nose and inhales.

  “I’m sorry about your dad,” I say. “I don’t have any excuses left for him. I wish I did though.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “And I’m sorry about—”

  “You don’t have to say it again. I get why you told,” Drew says, as the wind blows his hair back. He pulls his leather jacket tight around his body and rubs his hands together.

  “But you and Ray. You were finally…”

  “I’m not sure it was right with me and Ray, you know? I mean it was fun, but I’m not sure if it was right.”

  “So we’re all good?” I ask. He holds out his fist and I tap his knuckles with mine.

  “All good. Always. Even when we’re not talking and I’m annoyed as hell, I still can’t stay mad at you.” He shakes his head, pushing me. I push him back and he laughs. “Is Stevie still pissed?”

  “Seems that way,” I say. “She won’t pick up my calls.”

  “You kissed her, didn’t you?”

  I smile, thinking back to that kiss and how everything in the world seemed right for once.

  “I knew it. Let’s go inside,” Drew says, putting his arm around me. “I overheard her saying she was heading here after the game. Maybe face-to-face it’ll be different. Plus, how can she resist your charm?”

  I hope Drew’s right. We head for the door, the warmth of Dino’s wrapping around me as we step inside.

  CHAPTER 12

  Stevie

  Ray promised to meet me here after the game, texting me apologies I’m not sure I deserve. Guilt rains over me for keeping the coin toss from her, my restless hands playing with the zipper on my coat as I wait. At least Dino’s beats sitting in my bedroom alone wishing my family was together on Thanksgiving. Joey’s already asleep and Mom’s holed up in her art studio. Forget about Dad. The Jets are down big time and he’s never around. They’ll probably let him go next year. I hope I get accepted into All-State before I’m forced to move again. Not that I’ve practiced. I can’t seem to bring myself to play without Shane’s encouraging eyes watching me.

  I lean against the dessert case, right by the strawberry cheesecake, a knot forming in my throat as I picture Shane taking a bite from my fork, seconds before his lips met mine.

  “I personally would go for the rainbow cookies,” Ray says, leaning against the glass. She’s wearing a stained Mustangs jersey and leggings, reminiscent of the day I met her. But her eyes are tired, defeated.

  “Sorry about the game,” I say, because I know she must be beating herself up, replaying that kick, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. The thing is, sometimes you miss the mark.

  “Should’ve made that goal,” she says, more to herself than to me, her foot tapping at the dessert display. Her eyes shift to meet mine. “I’m sorry I’ve been distant. It wasn’t your fault, what happened.”

  “I should have told you,” I say. Ray takes down her ponytail and shakes out her golden waves, the smell of cut grass wafting through the air. I need to make this right, because I don’t want to let go of this, to be the one who walks away. “The second I found out, I should have told you. I’m so sorry.”

  Ray regards me, taking me in with her contemplative eyes. Both hands fly to her hips and she huffs out a breath of air. Then she flings her arms around me for a tight hug and quickly releases me, her face serious.

  “From now on, we tell each other everything, okay?” Ray says. “No secrets.”

  “Deal,” I say, but a small pang of worry still gnaws at my gut. It was me who broke Ray and Drew. I was the catalyst. This won’t feel right unless they can get back on track. “Do you think you can work it out with Drew?”

  “This whole thing is Drew’s fault
,” Ray says, annoyance dripping from her voice, and all at once it dawns on me that maybe it wasn’t me who broke them. Maybe they were already falling apart. “Always is. He never takes responsibility for anything that happens to him. Always blames everything on his dad. But everyone has something they’re dealing with, you know?”

  I nod even though I don’t see Drew that way. And Shane definitely doesn’t see him that way. If anything, Drew’s lost, kind of like me.

  “Have you talked to Shane yet?” Ray asks, leaning on the display case.

  “No,” I say quietly. But I’ve listened to every one of his messages. I’ve saved them too. I almost picked up the other night, because I’m starting to realize I wasn’t a bet or a game, that they flipped a coin as a way to make a decision. Maybe they didn’t want to fight about it, about me. But mostly I almost picked up because I miss him so much I can’t stand it.

  “You girls want anything?” Dino says from behind the dessert counter.

  “Still deciding,” I say, scanning the desserts, my eyes bouncing back to the cheesecake.

  “I’ve seen them flip a coin for the aisle seat at the movies and which Final Four game to watch on TV, stuff like that. But this was different. I get why you’re pissed. I’m pissed too. It’s plain wrong. At least it made me realize that Drew wasn’t thinking about me the way I was thinking about him. If he was, he never would’ve flipped that coin in the first place,” Ray says, hurt settling in her eyes. Deep down I know that’s true and I know this is the end for them. “But listen to me … Shane, he’s one of the good ones, you know?”

  Ray points to the rainbow cookie. “I’ll take that one,” she tells Dino. “And the cheesecake Stevie’s been eyeing for the past five minutes.”

  He wraps the cookie in parchment paper and places the cheesecake in a small box, handing both to Ray.

  As we settle into a booth, Drew and Shane walk into the diner. My breath catches as I lock eyes with Shane, longing to talk to him, to hang out in his studio for hours, to feel his hand wrapped around mine. I open the cheesecake box, but I’m not hungry. Shane’s only a few feet away but it feels like miles are between us.