Solitude And Freedom (Solitude And Freedom #0.5)

by Toota Alqallaf

  We drove in awkward silence, just before we reached our destination I realized where we’re going. “Why are we going home?”

  “I wanna pick something up,” she put the car on park and went inside quickly. She was inside for a few minutes and when she came back her hands were empty. I gave her a questioning look that she ignored and started to drive again. We drove for a few minutes only but the place we parked at was the place I wished I would never be at again. Darkness has almost fallen over the cemetery. I looked at it horrified as if she might bury me alive.

  I stared at the cemetery then whispered, “take me back.” She didn’t budge. I lost it and started shouting and crying, “take me back. Take me back please.” I shouted and shouted again suddenly it all went black like it always does when I get breakdowns.

  ***

  I woke up who knows how long later, but she never budged as if something happened to her since the last time she called me a few months ago. She hugged me to her and said “I love you, Milly, but you have to see what I want to show you.” She opened the door and stepped out. I stared at her for a bit wondering how this could be so easy on her. I followed her into the cemetery holding her hand like a baby afraid to approach a dog. When we reached his grave I started to cry silently. I miss him so much. Why did he have to leave? Why couldn’t he have taken me with him? Why couldn’t I go instead of him? Why couldn’t I save him? Why? Why? And why? Even his name written in capitals made the tears fall. HOLDEN HANKINS, and under them brother and son, he was my brother. The tears fell and fell and fell until there were no more tears to shed. After I stopped crying Cara handed me a paper she had taken out form her jacket. She has me surprised, only one single tear fell from her since we got here. I opened it and started to read.

  DEAR MOM, DAD, MILLY AND CARA,

  I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU

  AND I WANT YOU EACH TO PROMISE

  ME TO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER, IF I REALLY YOU DO HAVE TO GO,

  I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT YOU EACH HAD

  A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.

  HAVE A GOOD LIFE AND THEN I’LL SEE YOU

  IN THE AFTERLIFE.

  LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE,

  HOLDEN.

  There were tear stains on the edge of the paper so he was probably crying. A few more tears fells until I decided I couldn’t spend my whole life remembering him and mourning over him like I’m never seeing him again. Like he said we’ll meet again in the afterlife. Now I understand why Cara wasn’t crying she made the same decision I’m making, to never let his death catch up with us. One last tear fell and I let it. We got into the car when Cara’s phone started to ring. “Hi, daddy… wait slow down… what’s going on? Mom? What happened to her?” she’s getting me worried. “Okay we’re on our way. Yea, I’m with Milly.” she hung up and started to drive.

  “What’s wrong with mom?” I asked her.

  “I don’t know, he wouldn’t say he just said she’s in the hospital.” She replied. What’s happening to my life? It’s like one thing happens, I start crying, then I stop for a while then something gets me crying all over again. First Justin, then Cara, then Holden, now mom? When we got to the hospital, dad was sitting on one of the waiting chairs. “Daddy? What happened to mom?” Cara asked.

  “I have no idea, I came back from work, and the house was filled with gas and Cam was passed out on the bottom of the staircase.” He explained in a rush. We sat down with him and waited. We waited and waited and waited until finally the doctor came to talk to us.

  “She’s quite harmed and is still passed out, we still don’t know everything, but all we know is that her case is severe.” The doctor said. No. My mom. My mommy. My mother. The women who raised me. The women who carried me for nine months. Even if she hasn’t been very nice to me, she’ll always be my mom and I’ll love her no matter what. Then my sight got blurry and the next thing I knew I hit my head hard on the floor and everything went black

  Chapter 6

  Tom

  It’s almost midnight and Amelie’s still not back. She left a few hours before noon with Cara. Adam left. So it’s just me and Becks. I’m worried. She’s worried. We’re both pacing non-stop. She turned on some music to calm her down. The iPod playing “Beggin” by Madcon on repeat, while we paced for another half hour. Then Becks stops and calls Amelie again. She picks up after the 5th ring. All of a sudden Becks was yelling at her, “What is wrong with you? Both me and Tom have been trying to get to you for hours. Where are you?”

  “I-I’m sorry.” Amelie said, her voice hoarse like she’s on the verge of tears. “I’m at the hospital.” I snatched the phone from her hand.

  “The hospital? Why?” I asked, scared as hell that something has happened to her. She was quiet and I couldn’t take it, I started saying, “please, Amelie. Tell me. Has something happened to you? Did anyone hurt you?” I was begging like a baby.

  “No, nothing happened to me. C-can you put Becks on the phone?” Becks took the phone.

  “Yea,” she listened, “Okay I’ll be there in 15” and she hung up.

  “I’m coming,” I told her.

  “No,” she said. “You’re not.”

  “I didn’t ask you, I informed you.”

  “Fine, but I have to get her some clothes first,” she rushed up stairs.

  Then 10 minutes later came back down and went straight to the car carrying Amelie’s backpack. We only drove for only a few minutes because Becks was driving like a maniac. She called Amelie back to ask her which floor, wing, room, etc. then we hurried down and then walked all around the hospital until we found her sitting with Cara with a door in between them. She was staring at the ceiling, her head resting on the wall behind her and her pretty face tear stained and pallid. As we went closer she noticed us coming and turned her head towards us. She looks exhausted. I sat next to her and pulled her to me. After a bit she pulled away with tears in her eyes. She looked at the floor and started talking, “m-my mom,” she said and the tears began to fall. “She’s comatose,” she explained and started sobbing. I held her to me. Cara was also crying and sobbing while Becks tried comforting her. I didn’t try to comfort Amelie because I of all people now how it is to lose someone you love. They stopped crying then went back to staring at everything, but Amelie was staring up at me while I held her in my arms, not anything or anyone else and I’m glad. She eventually slept and so did I.

  ***

  I woke up with Amelie still pressed to me, she’s not asleep but she’s pretending to. She looks like she’s better. I assessed her face a little closer. Nothing seems out of place, it never does. She’s still a little yellow, though. I didn’t let her go but I looked around. Two men and a kid behind them came rushing in. Cara stood up and walked over to them. I hadn’t noticed she was even awake. The older man started talking in a rush then noticed me and Amelie then stomped his way to us without finishing what he was saying to Cara. “Amelie,” he said to her harshly. Suddenly she was up and standing.

  “Yes?” She asked, she looked back at me then at the man, “uh, dad. This is my boyfriend.” She intertwined our fingers while I stood there stunned and wide eyed. Her hand was tiny inside mine and I loved the feeling. Her father looked to me then examined me from head to toe.

  He held out his hand and I shook it, “Daniel,” he said.

  “Tom,” I replied. Then he turned to Cara and started talking again. As soon as he turned, I did, too, and kissed Amelie full on the lips. It was only for a few seconds but when I pulled back she had this dazed look in her eyes. “Boyfriend, eh?” I said with a wide grin on my face.

  “I guess so,” she said and smiled brightly. I looked back to her father to see him glaring at me, I shrugged at him. For some reason it doesn’t feel like her parents treat her well but she still cried about her mum so maybe is only her father. As I sat there with her fingers intertwined with mine, I thought about the past few months with her and everything I see in her is perfection but there’s one tin
y dent I seem to notice more and more everyday in her emotions, like she’s been shattered and put back together slowly with a piece missing, an yesterday seeing her with her face tear stained makes me think they’re not hallucinations. Then I started remembering stuff and thinking that I should leave her before I fall and if I fall that means I’ll have to tell her all that happened that god awful night. I can’t leave her in this condition though. When her mum gets better I’ll think about it, but I hope it won’t be too late then.

  ***

  Amelie

  For the past 5 weeks I’ve had lots of faints and black outs, while staying with mom hoping she’s wake up at any minute but she never did, I’m at home now and its lunch so I shouldn’t faint because tom’s coming over. Cara left a few days after the accident, with Jack, her husband, and Matthew, their adopted son. Apparently Jack worked at an adoption company and so they wanted to help a kid out. They wanted to stay back but they each had things to do, work, school, projects. Even I’ve been going to school but I’m always late to arrive and quick to leave, except today I didn’t go. Dad hasn’t been going ‘out’ a lot, only to the hospital, but he’s still always doing stuff like cleaning and repairing at home and he’s been pretty nice to me, surprisingly. Tom comes over at least 4 times a week but he’s never been here in one of my breakdowns and faints, when that happens it’s usually at home when I’m going to sleep. Why does everything always happen to me? I’m starting to think that I’m bad luck and that the next thing I’ll know is that Tom left because his parents don’t like me and Matthew will be kidnapped and Cara will be divorced and my dad will lose his Job and Becks will be in a car crash and Adam’s been shot. I can’t help but think all this then I started to cry but I stopped before I got too lightheaded.

  “Why are you crying?” I heard his voice before I saw his large figure. I’ve been telling him to walk right in the door when he gets here and he finally did.

  “How can I not?” I said as the tears fell. I couldn’t help it I broke down and told him all that’s on my mind , that I was bad luck, that everyone I love will leave because of me. I think I stunned him speechless because of all I said.

  “You’re not bad luck. How could you even think that?”

  “That’s what everyone thinks, Dad, Mom, Cara, Holden, my brother-in-law, Becks, Justin... You.” I stood up and faced my room’s window.

  “Me?” he sounded hurt, “if I really thought that I wouldn’t be here right now. Now, you listen to me,” he turned me around and took my face in his hands and looked me straight in the eyes, “I don’t blame you for anything, baby you did nothing, even the police said it was an accident.” And then the sobs came but when I tried to stop them I couldn’t, in an attempt to distract me from crying he kissed me and I let him because I need him right now. Just as I was really getting into it the door bell rang. Yay. “Really?” he asked, not wanting to end the kiss. I laughed as I wiped my tear stained cheeks. I made my way to the door and opened it. It was Matthew.

  He gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. “Aunt Milly, can I see grandma?” although her really isn’t their kid he treats everyone like family, like calling me as his aunt and mom as his grandma, then walked over and said hi to Tom. He really likes Tom, and before they left he always used to play with him, it was really sexy, to be honest.

  “Sure, but grandma’s at the hospital, where’s momma?” I asked him.

  “She’s coming in now. I’m going to go to the bathroom.” When he left, Tom came and took my hand in his. Then Cara came stumbling in with two bags in her hand, her hand bag, a paper in her mouth and her phone. Tom and I helped her take her stuff upstairs. She’s going to stay for the weekend.

  “I have great news,” she said excitedly. “I’m pregnant!” she said and then started jumping up and down.

  “Oh,” I paused and saw her face fall, “congratulations.” I said less enthusiastic than I wanted to sound.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked her brows furrowed and a frown in place.

  “Nothing,” she gave me a look that said you’d better tell me and it’s better to tell her, “It’s just that... I wish mom was here to hear this.”

  Chapter 7

  Amelie

  Cara just left, again. She just stayed for the weekend, just like she said she would, and now she’s going home to get her stuff. I’m at the hospital with Tom and he’s been acting really weird and distant ever since the kiss. It feels like I did something wrong or at least going to do, I keep on wanting to ask him but I’m afraid of the answer. It obviously has to do with the fact that I’m bad luck. I kept thinking and thinking and analyzing, I didn’t even hear Tom trying to pull me out of my state. “Amelie,” he said loudly.

  “Hmm?” I said still a little tangled up by my thoughts.

  “I need to talk to you about something,” he said getting me worried. I nodded then walked out of my mom’s hospital room and into the hallway.

  “What’s up?” needing to know but not wanting to. He pause a long pause, so long that my knees were going to buckle, so I sat down and he sat next to me. He was hesitant so I’m guessing he sensed my anxiousness but he still said what he wanted to say.

  “I-I don’t think we should..” he paused, closed his eyes and turned his head away from me like he was going to burst into tears if he looked at me. “..be together.” He said simply.

  I replied with my brows furrowed as I stoo up and he stood up with me, “What? Why?” now I was the one nearly bursting into tears. “But..” I was deciding whether I should say it or not, whether I should say it or not and when I said it I couldn’t stop it, “but I love you. You’re my love, my life, my everything, my heart thief, my husband-to-be, the first guy I ever loved, you can’t leave me, even if you don’t love me you can’t leave me not now.” By the time I finished saying all that I was crying hysterically, I could see tears in his ocean blue eyes, like the ocean kept still by the glass was breaking. I cried until I was too lightheaded that I blacked out, not knowing what will happen.

  ***

  Tom

  “They took her in some room.” I told Mr. Hankins when he arrived.

  “What happened to my baby girl?” he asked a nurse passing by. He was so worried you could see it in his eyes. He and the nurse talked for a bit and when he came back, he said “she’s going to be in there for a few hours.” That just worried me more but what can I do when I’m the one who caused all this? She’s probably just playing around and joking.

  So when the doctor came out to talk to me and Mr. Hankins, Mr. Hankins was in the bathroom, so he just asked me if I was her husband. “Yes, I am. I’m her love. I’m her life. I’m her everything. I’m the one who stole her heart, the first guy she ever loved, the guy that can’t and will never leave her again. Just please tell her, tell her to wake up and stop joking. Tell her I made a mistake and that I love her, too. I do , I love her.” By that time the tears were being shed, they were tears of sorrow, anguish and sadness for my love.

  “I’m sorry, but you’ll see her again maybe after a lifetime.” I didn’t understand what he said at first, but when I did I couldn’t hold myself, I lost it, my knees buckled and my eyes wouldn’t stop tearing up.

  THE END.

  TAKE CARE OF THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE MOST, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HURT THEM…