Vampires Don't Sparkle!

by Mia Archer

  For the first time since this whole thing started I actually found myself just a little worried. What if he was right on the money? What if he was way stronger than I could handle?

  No. There wasn’t a chance of something like that happening. I was going to take care of this, and I was going to take care of it once and for all. I had a whole gym full of bloodsuckers trying to take out my girlfriend and Veronica and Jimmy, and the only way to save them was to take out this guy so I could take out all the others in one fell swoop.

  So I shot up. This time I made sure to keep an eye on my surroundings, and so this time I saw the giant vampire soul before it managed to get in a sucker punch. I dodged to the side and turned, wrapping the thing in some death magic.

  I floated in the air with tendrils wrapped around the vampire soul and Lee. Both of them struggled against me, and both of them were impossibly strong. I opened my mouth and let out a scream as I wrapped more and more of the stuff around the vampire soul. I figured that was the thing I really needed to take care of. All I had to do was get it…

  The world snapped around us. I found myself in a familiar location. Boiling clouds roiled overhead and there was a glow from off in the distance, but this time around it was the familiar boiling clouds of the place all souls went when they were about to be sent on to whatever eternal reward was waiting for them.

  The vampire soul was there with me. The thing flew back and landed in the river of souls. Those souls didn’t seem all that concerned about the giant monster that’d landed among them, though. No, they simply flowed around it and continued their steady and inexorable walk towards whatever reward was waiting for them.

  I guess it didn’t matter to those souls that there was a giant monster in their midst. They were already dead, after all. What was the point in getting worried about a giant vampire monster creature when it couldn’t actually threaten them?

  Which isn’t to say no one seemed worried about what was going on here. Reapers appeared all around the thing and started wrapping it in tendrils of their own death magic, looking for all the world like a bunch of cowboys trying to wrangle a giant monster. Or maybe a scene from Ghostbusters they hadn’t been able to shoot because special effects weren’t quite there back then.

  Even then the thing was pulling against them, and actually managing to pull them up. It brought to mind some of those old movies with stop motion dinosaurs pulling on cowboys who were inexplicably there to try and wrangle them since westerns and dinosaurs had been an oddly popular mashup back in the day.

  I didn’t care about that, as amusing as it was to watch a bunch of reapers trying to wrangle a kaiju sized vampire spirit. No, I was more concerned with an unassuming soul trying to quietly make its way against the flow of the river of souls.

  This asshole was seriously still trying to get away? He was persistent, I’d give him that. I floated after him, but before I could get out over the river of souls something huge and dark appeared and seemed to blot out all the light all around us.

  I looked up and saw a massive figure in dark robes standing over the vampire soul. Like we’re talking if that vampire spirit looked like a dinosaur, this new shadow really did look to be the size of a massive kaiju staring down. That also seemed to get the attention of some of the souls in that river, and for the first time ever I saw them starting to bunch up like they were trying to get away from that thing.

  I was looking at Death in his full glory. The big man himself, and he wasn’t standing there looking at me with a kind smile. No, he was here on business.

  He leaned down over the river of souls and plucked the vampire soul up like it was nothing. Sure the thing was still bellowing and swiping as it was picked up like a kitten being held by the scruff of its neck, but none of that swiping did the thing a damn bit of good.

  I figured that was all well and good that the big guy was taking care of the big guy, but I was more worried about Lee’s soul getting away. I’d never heard of someone actually getting away from the river of souls before, many had tried, but I’d also never heard of giant vampire souls taking over someone’s body or someone being so far gone as a bloodsucking bastard that they were pissed off at someone coming along to rescue them from that eternity as a bloodsucking bastard.

  So I figured it was time for me to go after the guy. I floated out over the river of souls and looked down. I figured it’s not like it could be all that difficult to track down one mortal soul going against the flow. That sort of thing tended to stick out like a sore thumb, and sure enough it took me all of half a minute to find him.

  It was like looking down at a river with a pebble in the middle of it, only in this case it was a river of souls and there was one soul in particular making a break for it. I’d seen souls do that before, of course, there were some people who weren’t all that jazzed about going on to whatever was waiting for them on the other side.

  The only difference between those souls and this one was those bastards were usually trying to escape while there were a bunch of reapers on top of the jagged rocks that shot up to either side of the river of souls watching them to make sure nothing like this happened, and at the moment most of those reapers were distracted by Death doing his thing with the giant vampire soul.

  If ever there was a time for someone to actually succeed in making a break for it then this was the time.

  I looked over my shoulder. Death had the vampire soul in front of the portal and was trying to shove it through, and there were a bunch of other reapers all around the thing still doing their best impression of a bunch of cowboys in the old west trying to rope a giant monster.

  I smiled, then dove back into the river of souls. Over here it was easy enough to rope Assistant Principal Lee and bring him up out of the river of souls. On this side he was just a human soul, after all, and I had the home court advantage. He stared beyond me at the portal with a look of pure terror.

  Yeah, I guess it would make sense that he’d be one of those souls that wasn’t all that jazzed about what was waiting for him on the other side. I got the feeling that someone who joyfully and willingly embraced the vampire lifestyle was going to a place that was nice and toasty.

  Not that I honestly had any idea what was waiting for the mortals on the other side. The only thing I knew for sure was there were some mortals who seemed very much at peace with where they were going when they bit the big gate, and there were other mortals who seemed downright terrified about whatever was waiting for them on that other side.

  “You don’t get to escape like that,” I said. “I’m not sure where you think you’re even going. It’s not like there’s anywhere to go.”

  “Oh Gwen,” he said, recovering from his terror long enough to shake his head like he was talking to a student he was having to punish for something and didn’t particularly like the idea. “If only you knew.”

  I frowned. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about. I suppose it was something I could ask the big guy about, but he still looked busy trying to pluck individual fingers from the vampire soul off the edge of the gate. Half of the thing was through the gate, but the top half was still out and it was clinging onto that thing for dear life.

  Or maybe it would be more accurate to say it was clinging to the gate for dear undeath, considering what we were talking about.

  “I don’t have time for your mind games,” I said.

  “What mind games?” he asked, arching an eyebrow.

  I growled and pulled him towards the portal. He might think he could escape, but there was no way to get out of here unless a reaper was pulling you between the worlds. Sure I’d always sort of arrived at the end of the river of souls, and I’d never really stopped to think about where all the souls were coming from, but whatever.

  Right now I was worried about what was in front of me, and that was a vampire bastard who was going to get what was coming to him, damn it.

  “You’re going to the other side,” I said.

  That got his attention.
He started struggling and spitting and hissing and showing me his fangs and lashing out and generally trying to do everything he could to get away from his waiting eternal fate.

  Unfortunately for this guy that fate was coming for him whether he liked it or not. It was easy enough to pull him over to the portal where the vampire soul was still struggling. Death was looking pretty annoyed. The fact that there was a giant dark cloud of death magic gathered around the guy was proof enough of that.

  “You look like you’re having some trouble there,” I said, looking up at him with a smile.

  “Just throw the little one through the portal,” he growled, his voice low and threatening and sounding almost like the Death humanity imagined when they were portraying him in movies.

  Well except for the time he was portrayed by William Sadler in that Bill & Ted movie.

  Whatever. I tossed Assistant Principal Lee through the portal. His face turned from a mask of rage and hissing and spitting to a mask of pure terror as he turned to see whatever was waiting for him on the other side. It was something I’d seen more than once over here, and it was something that was totally expected with this guy.

  I’m gonna be honest. There was a part of me that was more than satisfied to see him looking terrified as he was tossed through the portal. I figured a little bit of terror there at the end was the least he deserved for all the trouble he’d been causing over the years.

  I hoped there was a nice eternity of that terror waiting for him, for all that it wasn’t a particularly charitable or nice thought. I was over having nice thoughts for vampires after all the trouble they’d given me.

  The change in the vampire soul that’d been attached to Assistant Principal Lee for so long was immediate. It gave up the struggle and went stiff. Death still had to pull its fingers off the gate one by one, but all the fight had gone out of the thing so it was easy enough to do that prying.

  Then it was being shoved through the portal as well. The thing flared with bolts of lightning and a deep red glow for a moment, and an interesting thing happened down below where all the other souls that would’ve normally gone through at the same time suddenly ran up against a solid wall which was a new one on me, but then it was all over.

  “Well that wasn’t fun at all,” Death said.

  I turned to him and blinked. He was back to his normal size.

  “Sorry about the trouble there,” I said. “I had no idea they’d be so difficult on this side.”

  “No worries,” he said. “Thanks for taking care of the little guy there. I get the feeling the big one wasn’t going through until he was taken care of.”

  “The guy seemed like he actually wanted to be a vampire. Like when I went in his head, or wherever the hell it was I fight the vampire souls that’ve taken over, he was happy about it. He fought to try and keep that vampire soul in his body. It wasn’t at all like Veronica, and she’d been trapped there for a good half a century.”

  “I think you’ll find that your Assistant Principal was pretty ancient as far as vampires go,” Death said. “He felt… old.”

  “Yeah, he was talking about silent movies like they were some new thing he couldn’t wrap his head around,” I said.

  “I’m thinking he was way older even than that,” Death said with a laugh and a shake of his head.

  “Whatever,” I said. “He’s not going to be able to hurt someone ever again. That’s all I care about.”

  “Care to tell me what happened to get to this point?” Death asked. “Because I’m not going to lie. I was just a bit surprised to see you coming over here with something like that.”

  “Yeah, well I guess I’m just full of surprises when it comes to fighting off creatures of the night,” I muttered.

  “That you are,” he said. “Just like your dear old dad.”

  Interesting. I’d have to ask him about that sometime, but right now Death was asking for an after action report, and he wasn’t the kind of guy you kept waiting!

  40

  Back to School

  I stepped through the death magic to the other side. This time the other side was me stepping back into the mortal world, of course, and not to the other side where there were a bunch of souls streaming towards whatever waited for mortals on the other other side.

  There were a lot of other sides, now that I thought about it. Right now I was stepping back into the high school gym. Thankfully it was the gym, and not me relocating back to Assistant Principal Lee’s head.

  Which was probably a good thing considering there was a pile of dust in front of me that I was pretty sure had been Assistant Principal Lee back before I went in there and started messing shit up.

  Reapers stepped through from the other side all throughout the gym. I didn’t think they were strictly necessary, but from some of the screams I heard as I stepped back into the gym maybe I’d been wrong.

  I looked at pockets of fighting still going on out there. Sure most people who’d been pressing in on Stacy and Veronica and Jimmy were standing around looking kind of dazed in a variety of fashions from the last seventy years or so, some dudes were even in letter jackets that had years on them from various points in the twentieth and early twenty-first, but there were still some who were fighting.

  Not that they’d be fighting for long. Reapers lashed out with darkness and pulled them up out of the crowds where they were causing trouble.

  Though there was one group I had to intervene in. A reaper was pulling Stacy up out of the crowd, and she was still kicking and punching at another vampire who was also being lifted out of the crowd.

  I smiled. A fighter to the very end. I still wasn’t sure how she’d managed to avoid being compelled, something that was supposed to be a pretty strong deal among the bloodsuckers, but somehow she’d avoided it.

  Though right now I needed to save her ass before someone pulled her through to the other side on accident.

  “You can leave this one with me,” I said to the reaper who’d surrounded her in tendrils of darkness.

  “Are you sure?” the reaper asked.

  “I’m sure,” I said, looking at her and grinning.

  She’d stopped struggling, at least. She hit me with a smile of her own and winked. It was nice to know the Stacy I knew and loved was still in there. It’d sucked hardcore when I thought I’d lost her.

  The reaper let her go and she fell towards the ground, but I was right there to catch her. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her up towards the top of the gym. We floated around and around as I stared into her eyes.

  “You were very naughty,” I said.

  “Yeah, but I managed to be there to deliver the killing blow at the opportune moment and save your ass,” she said.

  “What makes you think my ass needed saving?” I asked, arching an eyebrow. “That was totally all part of the plan.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Right. Well you’re welcome either way. I know when you’re in the shit, and you were in the shit there.”

  I figured it wasn’t worth arguing. Mostly because she was totally correct, and I didn’t want to give her any ammo in the “I told you so” department. So instead I leaned in and planted a huge kiss on her.

  Her eyes went wide, I’d kept mine open so I could see her reaction, but then she wrapped her arms even tighter around me and pressed her lips against mine.

  Oh yeah. I’d missed this, for all that I’d only been separated from it for a few days. It was proof that everything had gone back to normal. Sort of. “Normal” for me was anything but compared to other teenagers, but once more it looked like I’d come through on the other side with my ass mostly intact and the bad guys had been defeated, so who was I to complain?

  She pulled away from the kiss and searched my eyes.

  “Is this the part where you’re going to tell me you’re worried that I’m pissed off at you for going off on your own, and you’d like nothing more than a little bit of forgiveness?” I asked.

  “I was hoping we could wo
rk out something like that,” she said, biting her lip in a sexy move she knew I liked. It wasn’t fair that she could look at me like that and melt my heart.

  She was melting other parts of my body too, for that matter, but I figured in the interest of keeping things PG-13 in front of the crowd of vampires who’d so recently been turned back into mortals I’d settle for letting her melt my heart.

  “You’ll have to think of a few interesting ways to earn my forgiveness,” I said. “That’s all there is to it.”

  She winked at me and gave me a hug. I felt a couple of ribs crack, and I wrapped a few tendrils of the old death magic around her to make sure she wasn’t squeezing too hard. I placed her gently on an empty spot of the gym floor and floated down in front of her.

  She looked at me in confusion. “What are you doing Gwen?”

  “You’re squeezing me a little harder than I care for,” I said. “Mind taking a little bit of a break on that? When the heck did you get so strong anyway?”

  She looked down and blushed, then pulled away. My chest felt just a little sore, but I figured it wasn’t anything I wouldn’t be able to recover from. I’d been able to recover from a hell of a lot worse than that over the years, after all.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “I was never that strong before. At least not before we ran into vampires and I sort of volunteered to go undercover as one.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Reminding me of the stupid things you’ve done lately in the name of trying to track down supernatural bad guys isn’t exactly endearing you to me. You know that, right?”

  “Sorry,” she said with a blush, then she reached out and gave me a slap on the back that had me stumbling forward and then taking flight so it wouldn’t send me rolling on the hardwood gym floor.

  “Damn,” I said, coughing a couple of times as my body caught up with having the wind knocked out of it. “You really are dangerous!”

  “It’s like I held onto the vampire strength or something,” she said, looking down at her hands. Then she turned to Veronica who’d been standing near us looking like she was doing her best to not be noticed.