Vampires Don't Sparkle!

by Mia Archer

  Even if it meant checking to make sure there wasn’t anything scary lurking at the make out point. I mean we’d taken care of all the vampires so I was pretty sure we were in the clear, but it wouldn’t hurt to check.

  I peered out of the back window of my car. It was a little difficult to see anything considering how fogged up the window was. So I reached down to the floor and picked up my shirt then used it to wipe away some of the fog.

  “I don’t see anything out there,” I said.

  “I’m telling you I heard something out there!”

  I peered into the darkness. There was a full moon overhead, so it’s not like it was all that difficult to see everything in the clearing.

  Honestly it wasn’t even really necessary for us to come out here to make out. I still had the house all to myself, after all. No, this was more about the experience. Stacy had insisted if we were going to make out then we had to do it the traditional way, and that meant coming all the way out here to the makeout spot that looked out over the town.

  It was the highest point of elevation in an area that’d been mostly flattened by glaciers in the last ice age, which meant it was just a little taller than the hill that contained the creepy haunted mansion Graham had been operating out of.

  “I’m telling you I don’t see anything out there,” I said. “You’re jumping at shadows.”

  Stacy gave a little shiver. “I’m telling you I heard something out there that sounded big. Like a bear or something.”

  I rolled my eyes. “There haven’t been bears in this part of the country for more than a century.”

  “You don’t know that,” Stacy said. “It could’ve escaped from someone’s private collection or something. People lose their pet bears all the time.”

  “I don’t think you can really say that someone is keeping a pet bear,” I said. “And I don’t know what you want me to do. If there really is a bear out there then there’s not a chance I’m going out to check on it. I’ve already been on the business end of Yogi using me as a pic-a-nic basket on at least one occasion and…”

  I was cut off by a piercing mournful howl that filled the air. A shiver ran through me, for all that I knew I wasn’t in any danger of permanently dying. Stacy was very much in danger of permanently dying, though, for all that she’d cheated death twice now. I was more worried for her than anything.

  Also? I was suddenly in trouble. Because Stacy’s eyes went wide as that howl pierced the darkness, and they weren’t going wide with fear. No, it was clear to me the moment her head switched from “potentially dangerous bear out there somewhere” to “potentially supernatural creature hiding out there somewhere.” She was ready to go out there and cause some trouble.

  “Oh no you don’t,” I said.

  “Oh yes I do!” she said, scrambling to pull her clothes back on where I’d removed them and get them back in order where I hadn’t quite gotten to taking them off yet.

  “That had to be someone fucking around with their stereo and a Halloween sound effect or something,” I said. “That can’t be what you think it is.”

  “Well the only way to find out is…”

  Screams filled the night. I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a few choice curses. When I opened my eyes I found myself staring at Stacy who suddenly looked even more excited than she’d been just a moment ago.

  “Nothing out there, huh?” she asked.

  “Maybe it’s someone trying to make their prank seem realistic? Just wait. Someone’s going to start shouting about how it’s just a prank, bro, any moment now,” I said, not really believing it myself.

  “Yeah, and maybe there’s something out there we need to take care of!”

  “Damn it,” I groused as I started pulling on my own clothes and trying to make it look like I hadn’t just been in the middle of an interrupted heavy petting session with my girlfriend.

  Which was kind of pointless considering where we were. Anyone who came up here was naturally doing that sort of thing. It’s not like I’d be fooling anyone.

  “Oh come on,” Stacy said, leaning in to kiss me. “You know you’re going to have some fun with this.”

  “I don’t know that I’m going to have anything of the sort,” I said. “Usually this stuff means I have to spend a bunch of time chasing after you and trying to keep you from dying.”

  “And you’re so good at it!”

  Stacy got out of the car first. I called out after her, but then she was gone. Once again I found myself in a situation where there was a potentially dangerous supernatural creature hanging out in the night, and my girlfriend was running towards it instead of away from it because she liked to pretend we were a two-person Scooby gang. For all that the monsters we were facing down weren’t old rich dudes in rubber masks trying to frighten people away for some convoluted reason that usually came down to trying to hide money from people.

  I tripped and nearly fell as I got out of the car. The only thing that saved me was that I had the ability to fly, and so it was easy enough for me to float for a couple of feet until I got my balance back.

  It’s not like it took all that long to figure out where all the action was either. The screaming made it pretty obvious, and even if there wasn’t the screaming then the growls and the sounds of claws on metal like an oversized can opener were certainly enough to get my attention.

  Though in this case the can was a car, and the tasty meat inside the can were a couple of idiots who came out here to make out despite the fact that this place had recently been the victim of a vampire cheerleader attack.

  I guess that was proof there was nothing that would prevent teenagers from making poor decisions in the interest of finding a quiet spot to hook up.

  Not to mention I was one of the idiots who’d come out here to find a quiet spot to hook up. Sure part of the reason why I was out here looking for a spot to hook up was because my insanely hot girlfriend had insisted on coming out here, and it’s not like I had to worry about the things that went bump in the night.

  Besides, when a girl as hot and smart and all around wonderful as Stacy said she wanted to come out to a notorious makeout spot to suck some face, you said yes!

  “Holy crap,” Stacy said, looking at a giant hulking shadow that was leaning over one of the cars parked around the clearing.

  The thing had reached along the top of the car and, sure enough, was peeling the thing open like it was a can of cat food or something. At least the pop top cans that I was always opening while Mr. Whiskers made my job insanely difficult by moving around under my legs was the closest thing I could compare this to, though this thing was a hell of a lot bigger and more dangerous than Mr. Whiskers.

  It also pulsed with a faint glow that drew me to the thing. Not good. A faint glow that drew me to something meant it had an aura of death around it, and this thing reared up on its hind legs looked like it could deal some damage!

  More screaming came from the car. The werewolf, because who the fuck was I kidding thinking this thing was anything but considering the way it’d announced itself with a howl and it was up on its hind legs walking around like a man despite the fact that it had a very wolfish face, reached in and pulled something out.

  That pulsing of death grew more intense. Shit. Someone was about to bite the big one here. Maybe I didn’t have to do the shit duty of escorting people from the nursing home to the other side, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t feel an impending death when it was about to happen.

  Then the pulsing stopped. I blinked. That was weird. I’d never seen something like that happen before, and yet…

  “Hey fuzz face!” Stacy called out.

  “What the hell are you doing Stacy?” I muttered.

  When I opened my eyes it became perfectly clear what the hell she was doing. She was marching across the clearing towards a werewolf that was looking at her with an expression that was all too human. The thing was fucking confused that something that was supposed to be food was marching up to it like
she wasn’t afraid of it.

  The reason for her lack of fear became pretty obvious, too. The thing was still staring at her in obvious confusion when she wheeled back with her foot and slammed it in between the creature’s legs.

  The werewolf went cross-eyed and sank to its knees. That had the added effect of causing the thing to drop the girl it’d been manhandling. The girl felt around her neck for a moment to make sure she was in one piece, then scrambled into the car she’d just vacated. A moment later it turned on and tore ass out of the clearing, and it only looked a touch ridiculous with its top ripped open.

  Someone’s parents were going to be pissed off and relieved when that car got home.

  Meanwhile Stacy pulled back with her fist and hit the fucking werewolf right under the chin, a pretty easy target considering its chin was actually the lower part of a long snout, with one hell of a punch that sent the thing flying back and slamming into a tree that crunched with the force of the impact.

  All around us horns were honking and lights were coming on as more and more people realized something seriously crazy was going on and they needed to get the heck out of here, and there stood my glorious girlfriend in the middle of all of it staring down the werewolf with righteous fury as she beat the shit out of it.

  I sighed. Held out my hand and let my scythe appear in my hands. My robes fluttered around me with a wind that wasn’t there, though the cars full of teenagers trying to make their escape were certainly kicking up some wind.

  I guess if we were going to do this then we were going to do this. My girlfriend might be a freakish abomination who still had all the strength of a vampire because she’d been through the supernatural wringer a couple of times around now, but that didn’t mean I was going to leave her without any backup.

  Making out could wait. Besides, it was really hot watching her taking on supernatural creatures like that! I figured I might as well learn to embrace it!

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