The Funny Bone: Short Stories and Amusing Anecdotes for a Dull Hour
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The Funny Bone]
THE FUNNY BONE
SHORT STORIES AND AMUSING ANECDOTES FOR A DULL HOUR
EDITED AND ARRANGED BY HENRY MARTYN KIEFFER
Author of "The Recollections of a Drummer Boy," "It is to Laugh," etc.
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NEW YORK : : : DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY 214-220 East 23d Street
Copyright, 1910, by DODGE PUBLISHING COMPANY
The Funny Bone]
CONTENTS
Page
A good after-dinner speech 16 Afternoon teas 174 Alexander 46 Almost won the bet 23 Any port in a storm 34 Artemus Ward at the theatre 159 Awful lot of practice, an 135 Axioms 14 Bashful bridegroom, a 84 Boo! 96 Boomerang stories 113 Brandied peaches 63 Business boy, a promising 117 Chief end of man, the 173 Clerical corkscrew, a 172 College trick, a 31 Colored apostles 94 Costly dodge, a 164 Couldn't catch up 47 Couldn't help crying 164 Cranky couple, a 69 Cure for snoring, sure 78 Deacon balked, the 180 Delirious 136 Difference without distinction, a 176 Disturbing the solemnity 49 Doing the dons 187 "Dollars to doughnuts" 66 Dutch conundrum, a 91 Eccentric great man, an 138 Echo, the 54 Epitaphs, interesting 170 Exeunt omnes 187 Extremes meet 60 Farm accidents 98 Fast train, a 167 Finally the worm turned 126 Fire screen, a 62 First class 144 Flank movement, a 102 Fool according to his folly, a 47 Forbidden fruit, the 107 Getting a wife 155 "God bless our home" 26 Go to father 169 Good ear, a 178 Great country, a 97 Hard witness, a 118 He cut it short 100 He didn't get it in the neck 117 He warned her 90 How the young idea shoots 58 How to catch a mule 58 Ill-assorted couple 41 Impossible, but funny 120 Incorrigible 91 Inquisitive boy, an 26 In search of a restaurant 76 In the class-room 74 In the way they should go 147 It wouldn't work 151 Keen cutters 108 Keeping a secret 149 Kickin', a 85 Knight errant, a 165 Knightly conundrum, a 176 Laughed it out of court 57 Left-handed compliments 139 Lincoln story, a 18 Lincoln story, another 19 Lionized 56 Literature made easy 77 Logic is logic 55 Logic of grammar, the 135 Lonely place, a 103 Louder 29 Mean company, a 131 Michael Maloney's serenade 15 Millinerymania 136 "Mounted?" 64 Names for the twins 59 Naming the apostles 109 Near the end of his journey 95 Not good looking 101 No thoroughfare 148 No water in his 128 "Old Hoss!" 48 Old Man Snuckles 75 On the point of a needle 154 One place or the other 28 Other eye, the 149 Part in the play, his 172 Pepper-sauce 27 Poor business location, a 81 Poor, the 36 Prayer that was answered, a 25 Price of a dog, the 104 Protecting the minister 182 Punishment made sure 83 Pure Scotch 124 Rabbits enough 94 Rai
sing Cain 129 Rear guard, the 112 Rest and a change, a 140 Right-of-way, the 179 Rough on the deacon 93 Rural justice 121 Same old kind, the 141 Sanctum, the 156 Sharp reproof, a 150 Sharpening their wits 41 She came to his aid 161 She dried up 20 Shrewd selection, a 177 Shy boarder, the 176 Slow coach, a 168 Snolligoster, the 39 So many bald heads 70 She spoiled the poetry 171 Strongest man, the 42 Stutterers, the 44 Sudden rise, a 48 Sure thing, a 133 Tact and no tact 52 Tale of a sausage, a 82 Technique 51 Temperance a hundred years ago 37 Thackeray and the oyster 166 That terrible infant 22 Three asses, the 73 Timely answer, a 21 Too young 80 Tough goose-yarn, a 142 Turkey was tame, the 112 Two polite and spunky boys 67 Unanimous action 174 Use of riches 24 Very good investment, a 34 Walla Walla! 183 What the statute did not say 17 "Who'd 'a' bin 'er?" 147 Why he was a democrat 125 Why the Hawkeye man couldn't pay 105 Why they married 42 Wicked parrot, the 185 Wind and water 72 Wonderful climate, a 99 Yankees, the-- 38
"Laugh and grow fat is a saying of old, Whether or no 'tis a cause of obesity, This much I know that the physical man Laughter demands as a kind of necessity. Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Laughter demands as a kind of necessity." --_Old Song._
AXIOMS
Tew brake a mule--commence at his head.
In shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, always aim so as to missit if it iz a calf, and to hit it if it iz a deer.
Tew git rid of cock-roaches--sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew themountains.
Tew pick out a good husband--shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust inthe Lord.
There ain't nothing that iz a sure kure for laziness, but i hav known asecond wife tew hurry it sum.
_Josh Billings Allminax._
Michael Maloney's Serenade
Oh, Nora McCune! Is it draimin' ye are? Is it wakin' or shleepin' ye be? 'Tis the dark of the moon An' there's niver a star To watch if ye're peepin' at me. Throw opin yer blind, shweet love, if ye're there; An' if ye are not, plaze be shpakin'; An' if ye're inclined, ye might bring yer guitah, An' help me, me darlint to wakin'.
I am lonely! Ahone! An' I'm Michael Maloney, Awakin' shweet Nora McCune. For, love, I'm alone, An' here's Larrie Mahoney, An' Dinnis O'Rouk an' Muldoon. I've brought them to jine in the song I'll be singin'; For, Nora, shweet Nora McCune,
Ye've shtarted me heart-strings so loudly to ringin', One person can't carry the chune!
But don't be unaisy, Me darlint, for fear Our saicrit of love should be tould. Mahoney is crazy, An' Dinnis can't hear; Muldoon is struck dum wid a could. Their backs are all facin' the window, me dear; An' they've shworn by the horn of the moon That niver a note of me song will they hear That refers to shweet Nora McCune.
A GOOD AFTER-DINNER SPEECH
It was his first banquet, and they were making speeches. Everybody wasbeing called on for a speech, and he was in mortal terror, for he hadnever made a speech in his life. An old-timer at his side cruellysuggested that he "get under the table--or say a prayer." His name wascalled and he got up with fear and trembling, and said:
"My friends, I never made a speech in all my life, and I'm just scarednearly to death. A friend here beside me has suggested two things for meto do--to get under the table, or to pray. Well, I couldn't get underthe table without observation, and now that I am on my feet, I can'tthink of any other prayer to say except one that I used to hear mysister Mary say in the morning when mother called us--'O Lord, how I dohate to get up!'"
WHAT THE STATUTE DID NOT SAY
When Benjamin F. Butler lived in Lowell, Massachusetts, he had a littleblack-and-tan dog. One morning, as he was coming down the street,followed by the dog, a policeman stopped him and told him that, inaccordance with an ordinance just passed, he must muzzle the dog.
"Very well," said Butler.
Next morning he came along with the dog, and the policeman again toldhim of the muzzling ordinance and requested him to muzzle the dog.
"All right," snorted Butler. "It is a fool ordinance, but I'll muzzlehim. Let me pass."
Next morning the policeman was on the lookout. "I beg your pardon,General," he said, "but I must arrest you. Your dog is not muzzled."
"Not muzzled?" shouted Butler. "Not muzzled? Well, look at him."
The policeman looked more carefully at the dog and found a tiny, toymuzzle tied to its tail.
"General," he expostulated, "this dog is not properly muzzled."
"Yes, he is, sir," asserted Butler. "Yes, he is. I have examined thatidiotic statute and I find it says that every dog must wear a muzzle. Itdoesn't say where the dog shall wear the muzzle, and I choose todecorate the tail of my dog instead of the head with this infernalcontraption."
A LINCOLN STORY
"One day," said General Howard, "Mr. Lincoln saw Senator Fessendencoming toward his office room. Mr. Fessenden had received the promiseof some appointment in Maine for one of his constituents. The case hadbeen overlooked. As soon as Mr. Lincoln caught sight of the Senator hesaw he was angry, and called out: 'Say, Fessenden, aren't you anEpiscopalian?' Mr. Fessenden, somewhat taken aback, answered, 'Yes, Ibelong to that persuasion, Mr. President.' Mr. Lincoln then said, 'Ithought so. You swear so much like Seward. Seward is an Episcopalian.But, you ought to hear Stanton swear. He can beat you both. He is aPresbyterian.'"
ANOTHER LINCOLN STORY
Some one once called on President Lincoln during the war to suggest somechange of command for General B----, who did not seem to do well as acommander anywhere. "Well," said Mr. Lincoln, "that's so. GeneralB----doesn't fit in well anywhere. He reminds me of an experience I oncehad with a piece of iron I found while at work in the woods. I thoughtit would make a good axe-head, and took it to a blacksmith. 'Yes,' saidhe, 'it'
ll make a good axe.' So he put it into the fire, made itred-hot and pounded away on it on his anvil. After hammering it a goodwhile, he stopped and said, 'No, it won't make an axe, but I tell you,it'll make a mighty good clevis.' So I told him to make a clevis out ofit. Then he heated it again, and again pounded away at it a great while,and then stopped and looked at it and said, 'No, it won't make a clevisneither. But,' said he, holding it red-hot in his pincers over his tubof water, 'I'll tell you what it will make. It will make a blame' goodfizzle.' And here he dropped it into the tub--and it fizzled."
SHE DRIED UP
The occupants of a Pullman sleeper were diligently trying to get somerest, but could not. There was a very thirsty woman in one of the berthswho kept the whole car awake by her perpetual song of--"Oh, I am so dry.I am so dry. My, but I am dry. Dear me, what shall I do? I am so dry."
"Hello, Porter!" at last sang out a gentleman across the way, "ForHeaven's sake give that woman some ice water, and plenty of it. I wantto get some sleep."
The Porter brought a glass of water. He brought a second glass. Shedrank them both--and took up her song afresh--
"My, but I was dry. I was so dry. I never was so dry in all my life.Dear me, but I was dry."
"Oh, Great Scott, woman," sang out the man across the way, "dry up, andlet me sleep!"
A TIMELY ANSWER
In the good old days of the rod of birch a Philadelphia school teacherwas very partial to one of his boys, and very severe to another. One daythey were both tardy. Rod in hand he called them both up on the floor."James, my boy," said he to the favorite regretfully, but kindly, "whywere you late to-day?" "You see, sir," replied James, "I was asleep,sir, and I dreamed I was going to California, and I was down on thewharf, and I thought the school-bell was the bell of the steamboat.""That will do, my boy," said the teacher, glad of an excuse to shieldhis favorite, "always tell the truth, my boy. And now, sir," said he tothe other sternly, "and where were you?" "You, see, sir," said the othercandidly, "I was down on the wharf waitin' to see Jim off!"