The Funny Bone: Short Stories and Amusing Anecdotes for a Dull Hour

by Dornford Yates

  So the cage was opened and Kentuck climbed up to the hole in the topand, opening his bag, shook out of it a big snapping turtle. The turtlestood on the defensive. The lion came up to smell him. He took only onesmell, gave a yell of pain and retired to his corner to howl the snapperloose if he could.

  "Take him off," yelled the showman.

  "Take him off yerself, if ye want to," said Kentuck. "The fightin's justcommenced. First blood for my snolligoster."

  SHARPENING THEIR WITS

  Two human Whetstones met on the street.

  "Queer, isn't it?"

  "What's queer?"

  "The night falls----"

  "Yes."

  "----but it doesn't break."

  "No."

  "And the day breaks----"

  "Yes."

  "But it doesn't fall?"

  "No--but it's getting very warm."

  "Yes, it is."

  "There would be a big thaw but for one thing----"

  "And what's that?"

  "There's nothing froze."

  And they parted.

  AN ILL-ASSORTED COUPLE

  A missionary in the Far West, residing near an Indian reservation,relates how one day there came to his house an Indian and a squawwishing to "get married white man's way." Everything being in orderthey were duly made man and wife according to the service of the Church."I was a little apprehensive," said the minister, laughing, "that itmight not turn out well with them. They had such queer names. His namewas 'Little Red Horse,' and hers was 'Jane-kick-a-hole-in-the-sky."

  THE STRONGEST MAN

  "Who was the strongest man?" asked the Sunday-school teacher. One boysaid "Samson, cause he choked a lion to death." "Naw," said another boy,"g'wan, it wasn't Samson. It was Jonah, 'cause a whale couldn't keep himdown."

  WHY THEY MARRIED

  Postal cards having been sent out to all the married men in a certaintown in Western New York carrying the question, "Why did you marry?" thefollowing are some of the answers returned:

  "That's what I've been trying for eleven years to find out."

  "Married to get even with her mother--but never have."

  "Was freckle-faced and thought it was my last chance. I've found out,however, that freckles ain't near as bad as henspeck."

  "Because I was too lazy to work."

  "Because Sarah told me that five other young fellows had proposed toher. Lucky dogs!"

  "The old man thought eight years courtin' was long enough."

  "I was lonesome and melancholy, and wanted some one to make me lively.N. B. She makes me lively, you bet!"

  "I was tired of buying ice cream and candies and going to theatres andchurch, and wanted a rest. Have saved money."

  "Please don't stir me up!"

  "Because I thought she was one among a thousand; now I sometimes thinkshe is a thousand among one."

  "Because I did not then have the experience I now have."

  "The Governor was going to give me his foot, so I took his daughter'shand."

  "I thought it would be cheaper than a breach-of-promise suit."

  "That's the same fool question all my friends and neighbors ask."

  "Because I had more money than I knew what to do with. And now I havemore to do with than I have money."

  "I wanted a companion of the opposite sex. P. S. She is still opposite."

  "Don't mention it!"

  "Had difficulty in unlocking the door at night, and wanted somebody inthe house to let me in."

  "Because it is just my luck."

  "I didn't intend to go and do it."

  "I yearned for company. We now have company all the time--her folks."

  "I married to get the best wife in the world."

  "Because I asked her if she'd have me. She said she would. I think she'sgot me!"

  THE STUTTERERS

  It is related of the late William Travers of New York City, who was usedat times to make merry of his own incurable and distressing infirmity,that he was on one occasion asked by a woman in a street car, "Would hebe so good as to tell her whether it was nine o'clock yet?" Pulling histimepiece out of his pocket and looking at it a moment, he began,"N--n--no, M--m--madam, it isn't n--n--nine oc--oc--o'clock yet,b--b--but it will be by--by--by the time I can g--g--get it out."

  On another occasion he was asked some question by an entire stranger onthe street, who stammered quite as painfully as he himself did, and whenhe stuttered out a laborious answer, the man thinking Travers wasmocking him, grew angry and exclaimed:

  "How d--dare y--y--you m--make sport of m--m--m--my inf--infirmity?"

  And Travers replied, "I wasn't m--m--making f--f--fun of yourin--inf--infirmity. I stut--tut--tut--tutter myself. W--w--why don't yougo to Doctor B--B--Brown? He--cu--cuc--cured me!"

  * * * * *

  Two men once went squirrel shooting. One of them was a notoriousstammerer. He had no load in his gun when he saw a squirrel running upa tree, and wishing to call the attention of his companion to it hebegan:

  "J--J--James! I see a--a--a--a sq--sq--sq--Oh, by George he's gone intohis hole!"

  ALEXANDER

  There was a chap who kept a store, And though there might be grander, He sold his goods nor asked for more, And his name was Alexander.

  He mixed his goods with cunning hand, He was a skillful brander; And since his sugar half was sand, They called him Alex-Sander.

  He had his dear one, to her came, Then lovingly he scanned her; He asked her would she change her name? Then a ring did Alex-hand-her.

  "Oh, yes," she said, with smiling lip, "If I can be commander!" And so they framed a partnership And called it Alex-and-her.

  A FOOL ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY

  Once in traveling the Rev. Dr. Bledsoe was exceedingly annoyed by apedantic bore who forced himself upon him, and made a great parade ofhis shallow learning. The doctor endured it as long as he could, but atlength, looking at the man, said: "My friend, you and I know all that isto be known." "Why, how is that?" asked the man, much pleased with whathe thought a very complimentary association. "Why," blandly replied thedoctor, "you know everything in this world, except that you are afool--and I know that."

  HE COULDN'T CATCH UP

  When the pious deacon, riding a very poor horse, pulled up at thecross-roads and asked a farmer's boy to tell him which road to take, theboy asked him who he was and where it was he was going?

  "My boy," replied the deacon with a pious gaze heavenward, "I am afollower of the Lord."

  "A follower of the Lord!" exclaimed the lad. "I reckon, mister, you'dbetter buy another nag, for you'll never catch up to him on that oldhorse of yourn!"

  A SUDDEN RISE

  Stooping down to wash his hands in a creek, the darkey couldn't, ofcourse, observe the peculiar motions of a goat right behind him. When hescrambled out of the water and was asked how it happened, he answered:"I dunno zacktly. 'Peared as if de shore kinder histed an' frowed me."

  "OLD HOSS"

  During the trying days of drafting in Civil War times, a farmer fromaway out West called on President Lincoln. As soon as he got near enoughto the President he slapped him familiarly on the back and said, "Hello,old hoss, how are ye?"

  "You call me an old hoss," said Mr. Lincoln; "may I inquire what kind ofa hoss I am?" "Why--an old Draft hoss, to be sure. Ha, ha!"

  DISTURBING THE SOLEMNITY

  Somehow or other there were many more queer things happening in churchin the olden time than occur in these sober and decorous days. In oldSt. Paul's, Newburyport, for example, some very amusing things arerecorded to have happened during the hours of service. Uncle Nat Baileywas the sexton, and it was his duty to attend to the new stove which hadjust been put in. But one Sunday morning Uncle Nat was engaged inringing the bell, and the last comers were hurrying in, and the clerk,Harvey, perceived that th
e stove needed attention. Taking the sexton'sduty, he poked the fire, chucked in more wood, shut the door andreturned to his place at his desk. Unfortunately he had got his hand allblack with soot, and unwittingly he had smeared the soot all over hisface. The congregation broadly smiled a few minutes later when hesolemnly rose at his desk and gave out the first hymn, "Behold thebeauties of my face."

  Lighting as well as heating gave trouble in those days. Candlesguttered, or went out, and kept the attentive sextons busy tiptoeingabout, snuffing or relighting them. Sexton Currier--pronounced incountry speech "Kiah"--of Parson Milton's church in the same old town,once neglected this duty during an evening service.

  Parson Milton, from his tremendous, booming voice nicknamed "ThunderingMilton," was an excellent pastor, but very singular and abrupt in hisways. Observing the condition of the lights, he quite upset thecongregation by proclaiming at the top of his voice, without theslightest break between the sentences:

  "The Lord said unto Moses, Kiah, snuff the candles."

  He it was, too, who, when a worthy parishioner whose Christian name wasMark once dropped off into a doze in his pew, recalled him to his dutyin a marvelous fashion. Leaning forward in the middle of the sermon, andapparently addressing himself directly to the offender, he exclaimed inquick, sharp tones, "Mark!"

  At the sound of his name, the man opened his eyes and sat hastily erect,while the preacher, resuming his normal voice, concluded thesentence--"the perfect man, and behold the upright."

  * * * * *

  On a very cold day, when the church was inadequately warmed, anotherminister preached from a very hot text. At the conclusion of the servicehe leaned over the pulpit and said, in a tone audible to all thecongregation:

  "Deacon Craig, do, I pray you, see to it that this church is properlywarmed this afternoon. What's the use of my preaching to a parcel ofsinners about the danger of hell-fire when the church is as cold as abarn?"

  TECHNIQUE

  They were both musical, and of course became engaged. One evening theyoung man was late in paying his visit. The young lady was anxious andgetting nervous. The whole family sympathized with the poor girl as shewaited for the bell to ring. Suddenly the bell rang, and the calm bluesky of peace reappeared in the young girl's eyes as she exclaimedrapturously even if ungrammatically, "That's him! How exquisite histechnique is on the bell-pull, and oh! the breadth and compass of hisring!"

  * * * * *

  Three street boys were brought by the city missionary into a downtownSunday-school, and placed in Mr. B----'s class. "What is your firstname?" he asked of one. "Lem," was the reply. "Ah, Lemuel," correctedthe teacher. "And yours, my boy?" he asked of the next. "Sam," yelledthe urchin. "Ah, Samuel," rejoined Mr. B----. "And what may I call you?"he kindly asked of the third. "My name is--Jimuel," said he.

  TACT--AND NO TACT

  That English clergyman had no tact who vehemently declared hisparishioners to be "a set of unmitigated asses." One of the Long-Earedstanding by ventured to inquire whether that was the reason hisreverence addressed them every Sunday morning as "Dearly belovedBrethren?"

  But here was another English clergyman who had tact. On one occasion hewas traveling in a stage-coach in company with a noisy talker whopersisted in thrusting upon his fellow-passengers the fact that he didnot believe in the Bible. In particular he was severe upon the writerwho had alleged that Joshua had commanded the sun to stand still andlook on while he wiped out the heathen. The clergyman had been measuringup his companion, and at this point he spoke out----

  "Did you ever read the further explanation of that great miracle asgiven in the First Book of Zorobbabel?"

  "Yes, I have," snapped the learned infidel, "and that doesn't throw anylight on it either. In fact, it makes it worse----"

  The general roar of laughter which followed this confession of ignoranceended the controversy, and bottled up the agnostic.

  On another occasion this same clergyman was annoyed by a bustlingpreacher who walked up to him in public, and, in a voice that arrestedthe attention of all within hearing, challenged him to a controversy onApostolic Succession. The challenged man turned sharply and said: "Canyou repeat the Lord's Prayer, sir?" "But--" stammered the man, "I wantto discuss--" "Sir," said the other, "I repeat, say the Lord's Prayer,if you can." The man was so taken aback by this unexpected flankmovement that, if he ever knew the Lord's Prayer, every petition of ithad vanished from his memory, and he became red-faced and silent. Thenhis dignified antagonist turned in a stately way to the group of amusedauditors, and said, "Sir, I will leave it to this intelligent assemblageto decide whether a man who is unable to repeat the Lord's Prayer iscompetent to discuss Apostolic Succession."

  THE ECHO

  A tourist was told by a guide that the echo on a Killarney lake was veryfine. So, off went the tourist to hear it, and hired two men to row himout, accomplishing the transaction so swiftly that there was no time forthem to arrange for the usual echo to be in attendance. The echo wasn'tworking. What was to be done? In despair of a better expedient, the menthat were rowing broke an oar, and one swam ashore to fetch another--andwhile he was gone, the echo began to work!

  "Good morning," cried the tourist.

  "Good marning," said the echo, with a charming brogue.

  "Fine day, sir."

  "Foine day, sir," improved the echo.

  "Will you take a drink?" cried the tourist.

  "Begorra, an' that I will!" roared the echo.

  "LOGIC IS LOGIC"

  Jack and his friend Mickey were walking uptown one morning and Jacksaid, "Mickey, I bet you a dollar I can prove to you that you are on theother side of the street."

  "Done," said Mickey, "I'm the man for your money."

  "Well," continued Jack, pointing to the opposite side of the street,"that is one side of the street, isn't it?"

  "Yes," said Mickey.

  "And this side is the other side, isn't it? And you are on the otherside. And I'll take your dollar, please."

  Mickey passed out the dollar, but scratched his head. He resolved to winthat dollar back, and later in the day waylaid a man with, "I say--I betyou a dollar I can prove to you that you are on the other side of thestreet." "Done," said the man. "I'd as soon make a dollar easy as not."

  "Well," said Mickey, "this is one side of the street, isn't it?"

  "Yes, that can't be disputed."

  "And over there is the other side, isn't it?"

  "Yes--but I ain't on that side--and I'll take your dollar, please."

  And Mickey walked home scratching his head and wondering how it camethat "the dang thing didn't work?"

  LIONIZED

  This is how the colonel and the lieutenant-colonel of a French regimentin Algeria were lionized. The major of the regiment one day came acrossa lion suffering grievous pain from a thorn in his paw. Pitying thepoor animal, the major extracted the thorn. Considering what he could doin return for the kindness, the grateful lion secured a copy of the armyregister, ran his eye over the list of officers in the gentle major'sregiment, and waylaid and devoured both the colonel and thelieutenant-colonel, so that his friend, the major, could be promoted.

  LAUGHED IT OUT OF COURT

  In the course of a sermon on "The Soul," a certain minister once said:"They are saying these days that the soul is nothing but electricity.Now, brethren, just to show you how utterly ridiculous this modernconceit is, suppose we substitute the word 'electricity' for the words'the soul' wherever they occur in the Bible, and see how it will read.For instance: 'What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world,and lose his--electricity. Or what shall a man give in exchange forhis--electricity.' Ridiculous, perfectly ridiculous!"

  HOW TO CATCH A MULE

  There was a farmer who had a balky mule and he couldn't make the mulego. A stranger came along and offered to help, and the farmer told himto go right ahead. The stranger had a bottle
of turpentine, and heopened the mule's mouth and pushed back his head and poured about halfof the bottle into the mule's stomach. The mule gave one startled gaspand struck out across the prairie, and was lost to sight. The surprisedfarmer stood for a while immersed in deep thought, and then he said,"Stranger, please give me the rest of that turpentine; I've got to catchmy mule."

  HOW THE YOUNG IDEA SHOOTS

  Many children are so crammed with everything that they really knownothing.

  In proof of this, read these veritable specimens of definitions, writtenby public school children:

  "Stability is taking care of a stable."

  "A mosquito is the child of black and white parents."

  "Tocsin is something to do with getting drunk."

  "Expostulation is to have the smallpox."

  "Monastery is the place for monsters."

  "Cannibal is two brothers who killed each other in the Bible."

  "Anatomy is the human body, which consists of three parts, the head, thechist and the stummick. The head contains the eyes and brains, if any.The chist contains the lungs and a piece of the liver. The stummick isdevoted to the bowels, of which there are five, a, e, i, o, u, andsometimes w and y."