The Funny Bone: Short Stories and Amusing Anecdotes for a Dull Hour

by Dornford Yates

  An American-born Irishman paid a visit to the home of his ancestors, andthey proudly showed him the lakes of Killarney. "Killarney, is it?"said he. "We've got lakes in America so big that you could take all thelakes in Ireland an' throw 'em in, and it wouldn't raise the water aninch. An' as fer yer city o' Dublin--let me tell ye, me friend, we'vegot States over there so big that ye could put Dublin away in one cornerof 'em, an' ye'd never know it was there, except for the smell o' thewhiskey."

  These honored citizens could well appreciate the toast--"The UnitedStates: bounded on the east by primeval chaos; on the north by theAurora borealis; on the west by the precession of the equinoxes, and onthe south by the Day of Judgment!"

  FARM ACCIDENTS

  A Larimer County farmer lost a valuable cow in a very unusual anddistressing manner. The animal, in rummaging through a summer kitchen,found and swallowed an old umbrella and a cake of yeast. The yeast,fermenting in the poor beast's stomach, raised the umbrella and she diedin great agony.

  The same day another accident happened. A pan of cream had been leftstanding in the spring house, and a frog had fallen in and couldn't getout. He swam and swam around and around, but could get no foothold toclimb out. So he stopped swimming and took to kicking instead. He kickedand he kicked till he had kicked the cream into butter, and then climbedout readily.

  A WONDERFUL CLIMATE

  Dan Marble was once strolling along the wharves in Boston, when he met atall, gaunt man, a digger from California, and got into conversationwith him about that wonderful State.

  "Healthy climate, I suppose?" inquired Dan.

  "Healthy? Well, I reckon I should say so, stranger. Why, d'ye know, outthere you can choose any kind o' climate you like, hot or cold or mejum,an' that, too, without traveling more'n fifteen minutes. They've gotweather on tap out there, so to speak, sizz or frizz, accordin' to tastean' preference. There's a mountain there--the Sary Nevady, they callit--one side hot an' one side cold. Well--get up on top o' that mountainwith a double-barrel gun, an' you can, without movin', kill eitherwinter or summer game, jest as you wish."

  "What! And have you tried it?"

  "Tried it often, an' would have done some remarkable shootin', but jestfor one thing."

  "And what was that?"

  "Well, I wanted a dog, you see, that could stand both climates. The lastdog I had froze his tail off pintin' on the summer side. He was on theGreat Divide, you see, nose on the summer side, tail on the winter side,an' his tail froze right off before I could shoot."

  HE CUT IT SHORT

  Garrigan was the name of the new station agent. He was an Irishman, ofcourse, and magnified his office by sending in to headquarters verylengthy telegraphic despatches giving very minute details of the manyaccidents that happened to the trains at his station. Headquarters, atlength wearying of the man's unnecessary prolixity, instructed him tocut out all superfluous particulars and to confine himself toessentials only. "Cut it out?" said he, "an' sure that I will the verynext time an accident happens, or me name isn't Garrigan." The next daysome cars went off the track--they were always going off the track athis station--and as soon as they were made all right, he wiredheadquarters a laconic despatch, in the very rhythm of which one canhear the rumble of the car-wheels: "Off again; on again; gone again.Garrigan!"

  NOT GOOD LOOKING

  A man was buying a horse of a French Canadian. He looked the animal overcarefully. The Frenchman said, "He not look ver' goot, but he is a goothorse." The purchaser, not setting much store by the man's judgment ofgood looks in a horse, and saying that he didn't care for appearanceprovided other things were all right, bought the animal. Next day hebrought the horse back, saying that he was blind of an eye, and demandedhis money back, but the Frenchman said, "Non! Vot I tell you? Did I notsay zat he not look goot?"

  One day when Mrs. Van Auken installed a Chinaman in her kitchen, thefollowing conversation took place: "What is your name, sir?" asked Mrs.Van Auken. "Oh, my namee Ah Sin Foo!" "But I can't remember all thatlingo, my man. I'll call you Jimmy." "Velly welle. Now whachee namee Icallee you?" "Well, my name is Mrs. Van Auken. Call me that." "Oh, mecan no membel Missee Yanne Auken. Too big piecee namee. I callee youTommy--Missee Tommy."

  A FLANK MOVEMENT

  At a Camp Fire of the Grand Army of the Republic a comrade, being calledon for a speech, got up and said, "Now, boys, you all know I can't makea speech; I never could. And the Commander shouldn't have called on meto get up. I feel now like my brother Sam felt, one summer night, whenhe hadn't anything particular to do. He wandered into a Methodistprayer-meeting and sat down near the door in one of those high-backedold-fashioned pews. He had no idea that he'd be called on to sayanything, or he wouldn't have gone near, but what did the blame preacherdo when he spied Sam but call on him to pray! Sam was nearly scared todeath. He didn't know what to do; but when he saw all the congregationgetting down on their hunkers between the pews where they couldn't seehim, and the door was open, he heard the bugle call to "Retreat," gotdown on all fours and turned turtle, and crawled out of that church on adouble quick, and skipped for Home, sweet Home."

  A LONELY PLACE

  "Mamma," said a little girl, "George Washington never told a lie, didhe?" Being so assured, she continued: "And I guess pretty nearlyeverybody else did?" This being likewise admitted as probable, she wenton, "I guess even father sometimes tells a fib, doesn't he?" It was hardto admit that, but it had to be. "And, mamma, you tell some once in awhile? I know I do." When this was also reluctantly confessed, the childdrew a sigh and said, "Oh, mamma! What a lonely place Heaven will be,with nobody in it but God and George Washington!"

  THE PRICE OF A DOG

  A man had a dog, and the dog was such a poor, miserable cur thateverybody wondered at the attachment of the man to such a beast. One dayin the barroom of a tavern a number of young men were rallying him onhis dog, and wanted to know how much he'd take for his pet. The man saidthat he loved that dog so much that he couldn't think of parting withhim--he "wouldn't take twenty dollars for that dog." His tormentors,knowing him to be thoroughly conscientious, although poor, and that whenhe had given his word he would never go back on it, got together fortysilver half-dollars, piled them up on the bar, and called on him todecide whether he would rather have that miserable dog or all that pileof silver? "No, gentlemen," said he, walking up to the bar and countingthe money carefully, "I stick to what I said. I won't take twentydollars for Pete. It's too much. Nineteen dollars and a half is everycent he's worth. The dog is yours." Leaving one half-dollar on the bar,he scooped the other thirty-nine into his hat.

  WHY THE HAWKEYE MAN COULDN'T PAY

  Iowa, 12, 3, '06.

  Dear Sir:--Your sumptuous letter received, and in reply will say thatthey come frequently, and it would have afforded the boys much amusementhad not the melancholy thought come with it that you had no better sensethan to abuse, slander and dun a gentleman.

  You speak of honor, if you are honorable you know not whereof you speak.You also speak of causing me much trouble, my land, I have alreadytrouble enough to send a whole brigade of you wise boys over the roadfifty times. I will give you a history of this case, and if you aresurprised at my actions in regard to your claim for 10.00 you areundoubtedly the worst set of misers on earth.

  To begin with in 1891 I bought a restaurant on credit. In 1892 I boughtan OX team, a timber cart, a pair of Texas ponies, a gold watch, abreech-loading shotgun, A repeating rifle, A milk cow, A pair of finehogs, and a set of books all on the instalment plan, and hired hands todig a fish pond. In 1905 my restaurant burned flat to the ground andnever left me a thing, one of my ponies died and I hired the other oneto an infernal, insignificant drummer. He killed him driving him toohard. Then I joined the farmers alliance and Methodist church, and tookadvantage of the homestead exemption and honest debtors' relief law, andthen had my applycation wrote out to join the masons. In the latter partof 1905 my father died and my
mother married a Mexican. And my brotherBud was lynched for horse stealing. My sister choked to death on abutton and I had to pay her funeral expenses.

  In 1905 I got burned out again, and I took to drink and soon wentthrough with the interest on what I owed, which was all I had left. Mywife run away and left me all the children to take care of. I don't carefor anybody and nothing surprises me any more. Now if you feel liketackeling me pitch in, I'll have to stand it, I suppose. But let me giveyou a gentle tip, getting money out of me is like stuffing butter in akeyhole with a hot awl.

  You speak of making no effort to adjust this bill; what is the use? Ifsteam boats were worth two cents apiece I couldn't buy a gang plank. Youask if I thought it would of been more manly to of acknowledged thetruth. I answer no, by the way, I don't expect anything but to bepestered by lawyers, collection sharks and other humbugs and grafters,until this pestilence relieves me from their clutches. Be for I die I amgoing to Petition heigh heaven for a shower of fire and destruction onthe whole bunch. And I will particular pray that the storm spend most ofits fury on that southern hamlet where you claim to get your mail.

  Maliciously and disrespectfully yours,

  ----.

  THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

  Father had bought and planted a number of dwarf pear trees in the yardaround the house. He watched their growth and development with greatinterest for several years, and when at last one of the trees producedjust one pear, all the children in the house were straitly and strictlyforbidden to pull that pear off the tree. "Whoever pulls that pear offthe tree will get a whipping, and a good one."

  The pear grew larger daily, and riper and more lusciously tempting. Howthe sight of it made our mouths water--especially as it was forbidden topull it off! However, some one of the children, carefully reasoning thatit was not forbidden to touch the pear, nor even to eat it, only that itmust not be "pulled off"--bent down the limb that bore it, ate the juicyfruit, and left the core hanging on the tree!

  KEEN CUTTERS

  They were sitting opposite me in the smoking car, two travelingsalesmen, having a quiet game of cards and sharpening their wits betweendeals with quips, quirks and conundrums.

  "You come from Kalamazoo, I believe?" queried the one.

  "Yep," said the other, "best old town on the earth."

  "D'ye know," drawled the Boston man, "what we Boston people call thepeople that live in your town?"

  "Nope, an' we don't care much, neither. But, just by way ofconversation, may I inquire what you call 'em?"

  "We call 'em a zoo. See?"

  "Yep, I see," said the Kalamazoo man. "And do you know and can you tellme what kind o' people live in your town of Boston?"

  "Best and smartest people on earth," was the emphatic answer.

  "Well," was the response, "out my way we say that people that live inBoston are nothing but human beans. See? Cut for a new deal."

  NAMING THE APOSTLES

  After a dinner in one of the most hospitable residences in Washington, aparty of very distinguished men--Cabinet ministers, senators, diplomats,scientists and soldiers--sat in the smoking-room, and the conversationdrifted from politics to religious questions. Somebody remarked that heonce sat in the Union League Club in New York, with Roscoe Conkling,Chester A. Arthur and several other distinguished gentlemen who had beencarefully educated in religious families, and that none of them was ableto name the Twelve Apostles.

  "That's easy," said a senator brashly, beginning: "Matthew, Mark, Lukeand John, bless the bed that I lie on, Paul, the two Jameses, Jude,Barnabas--" and there he stopped with some embarrassment.

  "Timothy," suggested a major-general, who was a vestryman in anEpiscopal Church.

  "Nonsense," answered a senator. "Timothy was a disciple of Paul's. Hewasn't one of the Twelve Apostles."

  "Nicodemus," added one of the company.

  "Jeremiah," suggested another.

  "Judas was one of the apostles," meekly came from a voice in a corner.

  "I'll be blamed if he was. He was a disciple, so far I'll go, but nofarther," was the curt reply.

  "Weren't the disciples and the apostles the same thing?" inquired themeek voice, getting a little bolder.

  Bartholomew was next suggested, and accepted by several.

  "What's the matter with Peter?" exclaimed a modest young member of theDiplomatic Corps who had hitherto been silent.

  "How many does that make?" somebody asked, and they counted up elevenfor sure, with as many more doubtful.

  "Lets look in the Bible," some one suggested, and the Good Book wasoverhauled in vain. Nobody could find the place, some insisting it wasin Chronicles somewhere, while other authorities were equally certain ofCorinthians. Then an encyclopedia was appealed to, but it was notentirely satisfactory, for it included Thomas and Andrew in the list,and that would make one too many--thirteen, an unlucky number. Besides,the justice of the Supreme Court and two senators were positive thatAndrew was not an apostle--all of which teaches the great usefulness andthe pressing need of Sunday-schools.

  THE REAR GUARD

  Artemus Ward was traveling on a slow-going southern road soon after thewar. While the conductor was punching his ticket, Artemus remarked:"Does this railroad company allow passengers to give it advice, if theydo so in a respectful manner?" The conductor replied in gruff tones thathe guessed so. "Well," Artemus went on, "it has occurred to me that itwould be well, perhaps, to detach the cow-catcher from the front of theengine and hitch it to the rear of the train. For, you see, we are notlikely to overtake a cow; but what's to prevent a cow strolling intothis car and biting the passengers?"

  THE TURKEY WAS TAME

  A gentleman who was buying a turkey from old Uncle Ephraim asked him, inmaking the purchase, if it was a tame turkey.

  "Oh, yais, sir; it's a tame tu'key all right."

  "Now, Ephraim, are you sure it's a tame turkey?"

  "Oh, yais, sir; dere's no so't o' doubt 'bout dat. It's a tame tu'keyall right."

  He consequently bought the turkey, and a day or two later, when eatingit, came across several shot. Later on, when he met old Ephraim on thestreet, he said:

  "Well, Ephraim, you told me that was a tame turkey, but I found someshot in it when I was eating it."

  "Oh, dat war a tame tu'key all right," was Uncle Ephraim's reiteratedrejoinder, "but de fac' is, boss, I's gwine to tell yer in confidence,dat dem 'ere shot was intended for me."

  BOOMERANG STORIES

  During the Civil War a German cavalryman, Hans von Gelder by name, oncoming into camp saw at a distance a squad of men who were apparentlygreatly interested or excited about something.

  "Vat's der matter oud dere?" asked Hans.

  "Shelling," was the laconic answer.

  "Shellin'? Who was giffin' us fits now? Whose gommand is makin' dotshellin'?"

  "It's General R----'s command shelling corn for the horses." When Hansfinally grasped the idea, he laughed long and loud and determined tomake some one else the victim of the jest. Upon returning to his tent hewakened his sleeping comrade and exclaimed:

  "Say, I haf got von goot shoke."

  "You couldn't get off a joke, Hans, to save your soul."

  "Vell, now, you ask me vat dem fellers are doin' ofer dere, undt I villtell you dot shoke."

  "Well, what air they doin' over there?"

  "Dey vas shellin' corn for dere hosses. Haw! haw! haw!"

  "But that hain't no joke."

  "Dond id?" asked Hans in surprise. "Vell, if id dond now, it used tope."

  * * * * *

  Sam Ward was once seated opposite a well-known senator at a dinner inWashington. The senator was very bald, and the light shining brilliantlyon the breadth of his scalp attracted Ward's attention.

  "Can you tell me," said he to his neighbor, "why that senator's head islike Alaska?"

  "I'm sure I don't know," was the answer.

  "Because it is a great white bear
place."

  The man was immensely tickled and he at once hailed the senator acrossthe table:

  "Say, senator, Ward's just got off a good thing about you."

  "What is it? Let's have it."

  "Do you know why your bald head is like Alaska?"

  "No. Give it up."

  "Because it is a great place for white bears."

  * * * * *

  The following, gentle reader, is given place here purely for the benefitof the next generation:

  In a certain court in the good State of Maine, once upon a time, theproceedings were delayed by the failure of a witness by the name ofSarah Mony to arrive. After waiting a long time for Sarah, the courtconcluded to wait no longer, and his Honor, wishing to crack his littlejoke, remarked:

  "The Court will adjourn without Sarah--Mony."

  Everybody laughed except one man who sat in solemn meditation for fivefull minutes, and then burst out into a hearty guffaw, "I see it! I seeit!"