The Funny Bone: Short Stories and Amusing Anecdotes for a Dull Hour

by Dornford Yates

  "Undt mit dot, I just jump out in der mittle of der floor, undt lit onmy pack mit a mighty doonder-knock vat shook der vinders. I fell all ina heap, undt mine Himmel! didn't I holler! Der bell poy, der hotelclerk, der doctor undt two nurses coom on der double quick, pick me upundt put me in der bed. Undt dere I vas for two weeks, all right. Dat'svat I know about Gristian Ziance. Undt now here I am in Atlantic City ina rollin' chair. Pray for me, colonel, for my prayers doesn't seem to dome much goot!"

  ON THE POINT OF A NEEDLE

  The late Dr. Talmage was once in the company of some theologicalstudents. They were fresh from the study of church history, and werelaughing over the old question so much discussed by the schoolmen in theMiddle Ages, "How many angels can stand on, or be supported by, thepoint of a needle?"

  They put the question to Dr. Talmage, "How many angels can be supportedby the point of a needle?" and Dr. Talmage promptly answered, "Five."When they wanted to know how he knew, he told them the following story:

  "One very stormy night I was coming home late, and noticed a light inthe window of a room where I knew a poor woman lived whose husband waslost at sea. I wondered what kept her up so late and I thought I wouldgo and see. I found her hard at work sewing at her lamp, while her fiverosy children were sound asleep beside her. And that is how I happen toknow that five angels can be supported by the point of a needle."

  GETTING A WIFE

  The family had returned from church one Sunday, and as they had companyto dinner, and dinner was a little later than usual, the six-year-oldRobert was very hungry and could hardly wait any longer. He had beenvery much interested in the sermon, which was a very graphic account ofthe creation of woman. He had listened wide-eyed while the ministertold how God had put Adam to sleep and had taken a rib out of his sideand made it into a wife for the lonely man. But just now he was moreinterested in the dinner, especially in its conclusion, mince pie andcakes.

  An hour later he was missed from the company, and being searched for wasfound sitting in a corner of another room, groaning softly, with hishands pressed against his side and an air of solemn anxiety on his face.

  "Why, Robert, what in the world is the matter?" asked his mother inalarm.

  "Mamma, dear," said he, "I'm afraid I'm getting a wife."

  THE SANCTUM

  He opened the door cautiously, and poking his head in, in a suggestivesort of way, as if there might be more to follow later on provided theway was clear, inquired, "Is this the editorial rinktum?" "The--what, myfriend?" "Is this the rinktum, sinktum, or some such place, where theeditors live?" "Yes, sir. This is the editorial room. Come right in.""No, I guess I won't come in. Just wanted to see what a rinktum waslike, that's all. Looks like our garret, only wuss. Good day!"

  * * * * *

  It is related that two Presbyterians, two Baptists, two Universalistsand an active Jew recently met and discussed theology together withoutquarreling in Boston. The reason they did not quarrel in Boston wasbecause they were in New York.

  * * * * *

  Going home from a party late one night a man ran against the same treeseventeen times. He then concluded that he was lost in an interminableforest, and began to call out, "A lost man! A lost man!" But nobodyresponding to his pitiful call, he made one more effort to escape, andhad the luck to run into the next tree, which chanced to be surroundedby iron rods for its protection. He caught hold of the rods and feltthem. He walked round and round the tree trying in vain to find someopening to pass through, and at last gave it up in despair, saying,"Just my luck. In the lock-up again."

  * * * * *

  A negro prayed that his brethren might be preserved from their"upsettin' sins." "Brudder," said one of his friends, "you hain't got dehang o' dat ar word. It's be-settin', not upsettin'." "Brudder," repliedthe other, "if dat's so, den it's so. But--I was prayin' de Lawd to saveus from de sin o' 'toxication, for dar dey jest set-em-up fust and dendey gits upset, an' if dat ain't an upsettin' sin, I dunno what am."

  * * * * *

  There are very few men who can handle a red-hot lamp-chimney and at thesame time say, "There is no place like Home," without getting--confused.

  * * * * *

  That was a truly human tombstone that bore the inscription, "I expectedthis, but not just yet."

  * * * * *

  A youth was heard to remark to a jolly, fat Teutonian, "Haven't I seenyou before? Your face certainly looks familiar?" "Iss dot so?" answeredHans. "An' ven you get so oldt as me, your face vill look fermiliar,too."

  * * * * *

  A young lady complained to her male companion that she didn't likearithmetic. She couldn't understand it, and didn't see the use of it.The young man said he would teach her. "Now," said he, "I kiss you threetimes on one cheek and four times on the other. How many does thatmake?"

  "Seven," whispered the girl, disengaging herself to breathe more freely.

  "Well," said he, "that is Arithmetic."

  "Dear me," said she, "I did not think it ever could be made such a verypleasant study."

  ARTEMUS WARD AT THE THEATRE

  Artemus Ward records that he once went to the theatre, "Niblo'sGarding," New York, to hear Edwin Forrest in Othello. "I sot down in thePit," says he, "took out my spectacles & commenced peroosin' theevenin's bill. The awjince was all-fired large & the Boxes was full ofthe Elitty of New York. Several opery glasses was leveld at me byGothum's fairest darters, but I didn't let on as tho I noticed it, thomebby I did take out my sixteen-dollar silver watch & brandish it roundmore than was necessary. But, the best of us has our weaknesses, and ifa man has gewelry, let him show it.

  "As I was peroosin' the bill, a grave young man who sot near me axed meif I'd ever seen Forrest dance 'The Essence of Old Virginny? He'simmense in that,' said the young man. 'He also does a fair championjig,' the young man continued, 'but his Big Thing is the Essence of OldVirginny.'

  "Sez I--'Fair youth, do you know what I'd do with you, if you was mysun?'

  "'No,' sez he.

  "'Wall,' sez I, 'if you was my sun, I'd appint your funeral for tomorrowarternoon, at two o'clock--and the Korps would be reddy. You're toosmart to live on this here yearth.' That youth didn't try any more ofhis doggone capers on me."

  "Teacher," said a boy in a New York City school, "my sister's got themeasles." "Well, then, my boy, you go home and you stay home till yoursister has entirely got over them." After the boy was gone, another boyraised his hand and said, "Teacher, that boy's sister what's got themeasles lives in Omaha!"

  SHE CAME TO HIS AID

  The late Horace Leland, who for many years kept the Leland Hotel atSpringfield, Ill., was an exceedingly generous man and an especial loverof children. One day he and Judge A. C. Matthews, then Speaker of theIllinois House of Representatives, and afterward the First Controller ofthe Treasury, were walking out together when they met a man with acluster of toy balloons. School was just out and hundreds of boys andgirls came pouring from a building near at hand and formed in groupsaround the balloon man.

  "Hold on, Ace," said Mr. Leland, "there's a joyous sight," and the twostopped and watched the children gaze longingly at the balloons.

  "I can make some of them happy, anyway," said Mr. Leland, and he askedthe man the price of the balloons.

  "Fi' cent apiece."

  "How much for the lot?" asked the philanthropist.

  The man counted them over. There were twenty-one.

  "One dol' for de lot."

  Mr. Leland took them all and distributed them among the children with asmuch fairness as possible, and away the little codgers ran with them.

  Then Mr. Leland put his hand in his pocket and said:

  "By George, Ace, I ain't got a cent. Lend me a dollar."

  "Oh, no," said Judge Matthews, se
riously; "you can't play philanthropistat my expense. Not much."

  "Well, my man," said Mr. Leland, "I guess you'll have to call at myhotel for your money."

  "No, sir," said the man, "you give me my money or you give me back myballoons."

  "But don't you see I can do neither? Come to the Leland House and askfor Mr. Leland, and I will pay you."

  "No, sir," persisted the man, "you pay me my money or give me back myballoons. I haf seen dat hotel trick before."

  "Come, Ace," said Mr. Leland, from the depth of his troubled soul, "giveme a dollar."

  "Not a cent," said the Judge. "I wouldn't trust you with a dime."

  "See," said the man, "your own friend no will trust you. You give me mymoney or I will call de policeman."

  Just then there happened along an old beggar woman who had lived uponthe bounty of the good people of Springfield for many a year. Shestopped and heard enough of the conversation to know what it was about.

  "Hould on, Misther Layland," said she, "if yer foine frind there won'tlave ye the loan av a dollar, begorra O'im the frind that will," and asshe lectured Judge Matthews for the "stingiest ould thing out o' jail,"she unrolled the money from a dirty rag and gave it to thephilanthropist.

  Judge Matthews says he never tried to play just that kind of a joke onHorace Leland again.

  A COSTLY DODGE

  The town of M---- in Pennsylvania had just elected a new Justice of thePeace. He was, of course, a Pennsylvania German, and the first causethat came before him for adjudication was a peculiar one. A man hadattempted to shoot another man in the street of the business part of thetown, but the man that was shot at dodged, and the bullet smashed aplate-glass window in a store. The owner of the store sued the man withthe gun for damages, but the Justice, after hearing the evidence,decided that the man that was shot at and dodged the bullet must pay,"because," said he, "don't you see, if that man hadn't dodged, thewindow wouldn't have been broken."

  COULDN'T HELP CRYING

  Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel,when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he tooka mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes.

  Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed, "Phat be ye cryin' fer?"

  Pat, wishing to have Mike sample the hot stuff also, replied, "Oimcryin' fer me poor ould mither who's dead away over in ould Ireland."

  By and by Mike took some of the radish, and immediately tears filled hiseyes. "An' phat be you cryin' fer, now?" queried Pat. "Ach," says Mike,"I'm cryin' because you didn't die at the same time your ould mither didin ould Ireland."

  A KNIGHT ERRANT

  He was a very decided English type, and as he stopped an Irishman andasked for a light he volunteered to say:

  "Excuse me, my man, for stopping you as an entire stranger. But at homeI'm a person of some importance. I'm Sir James B----, Knight of theGarter, Knight of the Double Eagle, Knight of the Golden Fleece, Knightof the Iron Cross. And your name is--what, my man?"

  "My name," was the ready reply, "is Michael Murphy. Night before last,last night, to-night an' every night, Michael Murphy."

  THACKERAY AND THE OYSTER

  When Thackeray, the great English novelist, visited this country, hisliterary friends in Boston gave a banquet in his honor. The committee ofarrangements, learning that Mr. Thackeray had made some comments on thegeneral tendency of Americans to magnify things, thought they would givetheir distinguished guest a demonstration of the greatness of theAmerican oyster, at least, the more so as the oyster does not attain agreat size in the British Isles. They accordingly ransacked the marketfor the very largest bivalves that could be found, and a half dozen ofthese were placed at Thackeray's plate. The gentleman next to himapologized for the small size of the oysters, but Thackeray looked atthem in amazement, and asked, "What am I to do with them?" "Swallowthem, of course," was the answer. "Well," said he, taking a huge one onhis fork, "here goes." He gave a gulp and down it went. "How do you feelon it?" asked his friend. "Feel?" said he--"I feel as if I had swalloweda baby!"

  A FAST TRAIN

  Three men were talking in rather a large way of the excellenttrain-service each had in his special locality. One was from the West,one from New England and one from New York. The former two men had toldtheir tales, and it was New York's turn.

  "Now in New York," said he, "we not only run trains fast, but we startthem fast, too, very fast. I recall the case of a friend of mine whosewife went to the station at Jersey City to see him off for the West. Asthe train was about to start, my friend said his final good-bye to hiswife and leaned down from the car platform to kiss her. The trainstarted, and started with such a rush that, would you believe it, myfriend found himself kissing a strange woman on the platform atTrenton!"

  At a dinner one day some gentlemen were discussing the merits ofdifferent species of game. One preferred canvasback duck, anotherwoodcock, another quail. The dinner and the discussion ended, one of themen said to the waiter, who was a good listener, "Well, Frank, what kindof game do you like best?"

  "Well, gemmen, to tell you de trufe," said he, "'mos any kind o' game'll suit me, but what I likes best is an American Eagle served on asilvah dollah!"

  A SLOW COACH

  In the early days of railroading in this country, an elderly gentlemanwas asked by the conductor for his ticket. The train had stopped atevery little station, town and hamlet on the way, and was two hourslate. "Your ticket, please," said the conductor. The man fumbled a greatwhile in his vest pocket and finally presented a half-fare cardboard.

  "Come," said the conductor, "this won't do, not for a man with hair asgray as yours, any way--this is a child's ticket."

  "Well," responded the weary traveller, "I was a child when this trainstarted, and I guess I'll be as old as Methusaleh by the time it gets meto where I want to go."

  GO TO FATHER

  A schoolboy one day picked up a piece of poetry at school and carried ithome and gave it to his grandmother to read. When she had read it shesaid:

  "Kit, you ought never repeat that, because that is just the same astelling people to go to the bad place." The poetry was as follows:

  "When I asked my girl to marry me, she said, 'Go to father.' She knew that I knew her father was dead; She knew that I knew what a life he had led; She knew that I knew what she meant when she said, 'Go to father.'"

  * * * * *

  The chaplain of a large private asylum asked a brother clergyman topreach to the inmates on a Sunday during his absence. Before going away,he said: "Preach your best, for, though insane on some points, they arevery intelligent." So he talked to them of India, and of heathen motherswho threw their dear little babies into the sacred river Ganges asofferings to their false gods. Tears streamed down the face of onelistener, evidently deeply affected. When asked by the preacherafterward what part of the sermon had touched his heart with grief, thelunatic replied: "I was thinking it was a pity your mother didn't throwyou into the Ganges."

  INTERESTING EPITAPHS

  The poet of the Pine Tree State is said to have shown decided poeticproclivities from his earliest days. When a boy of eight or nine, he hadtwo kittens which he had named Myrtle and Ann Eliza. Myrtle died. Heburied her in the orchard and planted a shingle headstone on the grave,on which his smiling parents read:

  "Here Myrtle lies-- Gone to fertilize."

  In a short time Ann Eliza passed from this earthly scene ofcaterwauling, and was buried beside Myrtle, with a shingle headstoneduly erected and inscribed. His parents, wondering what would be theepitaph, were delighted to read:

  "Here lies Ann Eliza-- More fertilizer."

  SHE SPOILED THE POETRY

  Two lovers were taking a walk along a country road. The day was fine,the sun was shining and a good breeze was blowing across the hills andfields. The young man was of an idealisti
c temperament and of goodpoetic taste, but the young lady was quite matter-of-fact and altogetherpractical, their differing dispositions being illustrated by theirconversation by the way. They had paused in their walk and sat down torest a while under the outspreading branches of an apple-tree laden withgreen fruit.

  "Ah, my dear," said he as he looked around, "how grand and glorious allthis is--the bright day, the glorious sunlight, the wind blowing freshand full, and the limbs of this grand old tree moaning a sweet andtuneful melody in response to it all----"

  "Yes," interrupted she, "I guess you'd be groaning, too, if you were asfull of green apples as that old apple-tree is!"

  HIS PART IN THE PLAY

  A man who had been playing the part of the Lamb in the Great Wall StreetTheatre, was complaining that he had invested a large sum of money inthat institution and had lost every cent of it. A sympathizing friendasked him whether he had been a Bull or a Bear, and the Lamb replied,"Neither. I was a Jackass!"

  A CLERICAL CORKSCREW

  The minister was a very genial man and a very witty man. He had greatdifficulty in getting his salary promptly. Of late it was much inarrears, and he did not know what to do. One day he entered the hardwarestore kept by his leading deacon, and asked to look at corkscrews. Helooked over the assortment very carefully, saying that he wanted quite alarge one, one that was very strong, too. And when the deacon asked himwhat he wanted with a corkscrew, the minister replied, "I want it todraw my salary with." He got it.