Ash pressed in closer. Do you want to talk about it?
Landon shrugged. He had no idea. Even deciding to talk about it seemed like too much of a decision for his shuttered mind.
Ash pulled him into a hug. At first it was awkward. They didn’t know each other that well, except for seeing each other once a month at munches where they were usually the only people who signed.
Ash was shorter than Landon and their leaf-scarf thing was scratchy. But their thin arms were strong, and when Landon started to move away, after that socially-acceptable-amount-of-time-for-a-hug, they just squeezed tighter.
Tighter and tighter, offering safety and peace. Long after anyone else would have let him go. There it was again, that cuddling thing. Why the fuck could everyone else do it and not Landon?
And that was when he broke, sobbing wildly into their arms. Ash just held him, stroking up and down his back with their gentle artist’s hands.
He didn’t know how long they stood like that, on the edge of the parking lot to the sound of cars whooshing by behind him.
Finally, he seemed to be out of tears, though his devastation was bottomless. Ash grabbed his hand and started pulling him somewhere. He followed, lacking any initiative of his own. Oh, back into the diner. That made sense.
Ash pulled them into a booth and ordered something, but Landon wasn’t paying attention until they started pouring something from two mugs into a third.
It’s like a mocha. They thrust it toward Landon.
He watched Ash combine the other two half-cups into a mug and finally figured it out. Hot chocolate and coffee. Like a mocha. It wasn’t until he was cradling the mug in his hands that he realized how cold his fingers had gotten outside.
He took a sip. He disliked sweets and the coffee was kind of terrible here, but the way that Ash had made it for him warmed him inside. He decided to smell it instead.
What happened?
God. He didn’t even know where to start. I’m having subdrop today.
Ash's eyes got wider than Landon realized was possible. Holy fuck, Landon. Drink your hot chocolate, they urged.
Landon quirked his head to the side.
It works. Like with dementors.
It took Landon a minute to figure it out. Oh, like in Harry Potter.
Yep, that’s totally what subdrop is like. You need chocolate. Want me to get you some cake or something?
Landon found a smile fighting through the fog of depression. Ash was really sweet for staying with him. No, thank you. I don’t like desserts that much.
Ash looked skeptical. Maybe some fries? That might be almost as good.
Maybe I’ll order some food the next time someone comes by.
Landon took a sip of his horrible “mocha.” He was still feeling wretched, but he was grateful for Ash’s calm presence. It was nice to feel like someone was there for him when everything seemed so irreparable.
Ash took another sip then set down their cup. Did Dustin know about the subdrop? I mean, I assume he’s the cause.
Landon shook his head, the stupidity of his actions only now starting to seep in. I usually deal with it on my own, you know. Go through my day and wait for it to be over.
So you… didn’t want him to help you with it?
I just wanted… I wanted some time to figure things out, I think. And he’d apparently dealt with it the stupidest way possible.
Will you share them with me? I’m happy to listen.
And so he did. From slamming into Dustin outside the door three months ago to the explosion in the parking lot. It was like their whole relationship had happened in just twenty feet of industrialized, anonymous space. Now that it was over, there was nothing to show for it.
He was tempted to leave things out, to gloss over his stupidities and insecurities. To downplay how liberating it felt to be playfully bratty with Dustin in the kitchen and how deeply he felt Dustin’s care last night. Not to mention how much he looked forward to Dustin’s texts every day, all of the inspiring words and little check-ins about what was going on in his day.
But Ash was a good listener, and not only did they know where Landon was coming from, but they withheld judgment.
So Landon found himself spilling everything in turbulent waves and overlapping stories. He even ate an omelet, surprised by his own hunger, but things felt a bit more manageable with Ash there.
When he was done, he realized what a relief it was to leave that whole knotted tangle of emotions and moments on the scratched Formica table for Ash to sort through. He felt empty inside now, not heavy or light, just empty, like a vessel that hadn’t been filled.
Do you know what you want to do about it? Like, are you ready to move on or do you want to talk with him?
Landon shook his head. He couldn’t figure out how much of his hopelessness and exhaustion was from the subdrop and how much was from the situation. All he knew was that he felt shitty.
Alright, so friends don’t let friends go through subdrop alone. What were your plans for today?
I have a lot of work, but I probably can’t concentrate like this. And I was supposed to take my niece-nephews to the science museum. Having a gender-neutral word for his siblings’ kids was one of the things that Landon loved about ASL. I don’t know if I’ll be up for it, though.
The science museum? Ash's face glowed with wonder and Landon got a hint of what they might look like when they regressed in age play. It was kind of adorable.
Come on. Finish your omelet and then we’ll get the kids and go to the science museum. I can even corral them if they get to be too much for you. No more thinking today.
That sounded a lot better than moping around on his own all day, but… You don’t have to do that. Just listening to me was really nice, actually.
Thanks, but I think you have it backward. If you’re going to the science museum, I think you owe me a trip in return for saving you from the dementors.
Landon found himself smiling again. Not the fake grins he’d put on this morning, but actually smiling. He’d known that Ash was fun, flirty, and funny, but he hadn’t realized that they could also be considerate and caring. Or maybe he just hadn’t been looking.
In that case, I’d be happy to take you.
Being at the science museum with Lola, Matt, and Ash was just perfect for cheering him up.
Ash let him babble on about how electricity worked and how Edison had wronged Tesla even after the kids had long since lost interest in favor of hopping on the light-up squares. And all four of them had great fun in the weird mirror and maze room, chasing each other around and, occasionally, letting Landon focus them on exploring how light refraction worked.
When they got to the baby chicks, Ash wrapped a friendly arm around him, and they stood there for nearly half an hour watching one of them hatch. As it turned out, platonic cuddling was pretty nice.
When the kids were eating horrible flat pizza and pretending their yogurt tubes were lizard tongues, Ash surprised him with a question. Do you think Dustin’s a Daddy?
Landon looked around, but he and Ash were signing, and the kids were pretending that their fingers could stick to the walls. That was kind of gross as far as the walls, but at least they weren’t licking them. Much.
Since they were distracted, Landon felt like he could answer. Except that he didn’t really know how to answer. That word could mean so many things, and until last night he hadn’t thought much about it. You would know better than I would.
Ash gave him a look and he cringed. Alright, maybe he already knew the answer to the question. Can you… I think I’d like to hear what you think. I know a lot of people who identify as Daddies, but I never really paid that much attention beyond the basics to explain it to newbies. It looks much easier when people already have it figured out.
And you’re used to having the answers. Ash's eyes were compassionate.
I’m used to having the answers. But I don’t have a clue right now.
You said that he want
ed to keep track of you and take care of you. It sounds like he likes the idea of at least playing with control outside of the bedroom and giving you structure, relaxation, and sex. That sounds like a Daddy, even though the sex isn’t a necessary part of it.
Landon nodded. He knew this, at least technically. It had just seemed too enormous to hold.
So the next question is, do you want a Daddy? Don’t even worry about the age play for now, unless you want to, but could you see yourself in a relationship like that?
This was the heart of it. The place where he kept getting stuck. Every moment with Dustin had felt gloriously right. Like Dustin had reached inside him and brought every need and insecurity and desire into the light. And then wrapped them in soft silks and held them close.
But that made it terrifying, too. It was an awful lot of trust and dependence to have on someone. Someone who could walk away. Or just not fit. Someone who he’d wake up beside in a few months wondering how they’d gotten there and what they’ve ever seen in each other in the first place.
It was also disconcerting to discover this whole new side of himself at the age of thirty-two. He’d thought that his days of exploration had ended after he’d made the rounds in kink and dating. Who was Dustin to toss this whole new kink at him, like a hot coal, without any warning?
There was something just… unbelievable about it. Like he would wake up one day and find that it had all been a dream.
He haltingly tried to explain all of this to Ash, appreciating their patience and understanding even more as he babbled through his confusion.
In the middle, the kids got bored and Ash directed everyone to the playground just outside the cafeteria. Landon usually felt like the playground was kind of a waste of time when they could be inside doing science, but today it was perfect.
Ash took in all of his rambling, thought about it, and finally spoke. It sounds to me like you enjoyed having a Daddy, inside the bedroom and outside, but you’re not sure if it’s sustainable as either a lifestyle choice or with someone you’ve only met a few times. Is that about right?
God, Ash was brilliant. How had they cut through all of that knotty clutter in his mind so easily? I guess so.
So a logical next step might be to get to know Dustin better and keep trying it to see if it works. Then you’ll either know that it’s what you want, negotiate something that works for you, or realize that you’re not a good match.
Landon felt tears stinging his eyes and quickly wiped them away so the kids wouldn’t see. He doesn’t want me now, though. He wanted me before, but I messed it all up.
He doesn’t want you to flirt with other people in front of him and not take him seriously. It’s not an unreasonable request from people who identify as monogamous.
Landon didn’t know what to say. It would have been so easy to just spend the morning with Dustin, maybe even stay home from the munch entirely. So what the fuck had he been thinking?
You don’t know why you did it, do you? Ash's face held fond exasperation.
No… Do you?
I have three theories. I think you do it to protect yourself from getting too attached and getting hurt. I also think that you enjoy making people happy, and sometimes you do it out of habit, or without meaning it, but you don’t really distinguish between them because you’re never expecting more than a single scene with anyone. And I think you might have been hoping that Dustin would stop you.
I… How did you even know that?
I’m observant. And I like watching you. Ash said it plainly, the way they might have said that they liked coffee or bright colors, but there was an unexpected light behind their eyes.
Landon felt himself blushing and his heart picked up a little bit. Ash liked watching him? What do you mean?
You shine. You’re beautiful in the way that you’re confident and outgoing. And it means a lot to me to see you embrace whatever gender you’re in, because it makes me feel more confident about my gender, too. I also find you attractive. That whole “do I want to be you or do you?” thing. Ash shrugged, downplaying the whole thing.
So why didn’t you ever say anything about it? We flirt all the time. I would have hooked up with you. Ash was gorgeous, and he’d always felt a little chemistry with them. But to know that they’d been watching him for a while… It was a different kind of warmth from the way Dustin made him feel, a soft, comforting glow instead of a raging fire. It was also a really weird thing to think about while trying to figure out how he felt about Dustin.
Ash offered a mysterious smile. I’m not interested in hook-ups.
Landon pretended to bang his head against the monkey bars. Dustin doesn’t want hook-ups either. Is there something wrong with me?
Nope. And I think you know this in your head, but maybe not inside. It’s alright to have hook-ups. And it’s alright to be in relationships. And it’s alright to be in a relationship and have hook-ups at the same time, if you’re poly and everyone communicates a lot and agrees on it.
Landon rubbed his head. This is too many choices right now.
Alright, let’s make this simple. Do you want a relationship with Dustin?
I don’t even know. I mean, I do. But I have, like, a three-month curse. He laughed, but it wasn’t funny.
Ash didn’t laugh, their face showing only empathy. What does that mean?
I used to date a lot. All through college and most of my twenties. I must have had a dozen relationships that I thought would really work out. But about three months in, every time, it would fall apart.
Why?
God, all the reasons. Sometimes I was too clingy and moved too fast. Sometimes we fought. Apparently I’m too pushy? Two different guys cheated on me, which like, isn’t a problem if you’re just messing around, but they said that we were exclusive. Some of them got bored with me, I guess, and just checked out. I had one relationship that technically lasted six months, but only because it was mostly long distance and we broke up once he got back.
Landon thought back. There were more.
Did you want a longer relationship, though?
Landon blew out his breath. I mean, I did at the time. I guess I still do. But like… Dustin and I met three months ago, and we’ve barely spent any time together and I already fucked it up.
Ash pulled him in for another hug. Landon let himself be held for a moment, sinking into Ash’s warmth. It didn’t fix everything, but it sure felt a lot better.
Eventually he figured he should check on the kids and maybe not hug for so long, so he pulled back. Lola was swinging from the monkey bars and Matt was lining up leaves on a park bench.
Ash rubbed his shoulder. Thanks for sharing that. I have no idea why they weren’t interested in you, but let’s assume for a minute that they were all assholes who didn’t know a good thing when they had it. And let’s assume that Dustin is crazy about you, which is what he said, and can break the three-month curse. So, do you want a relationship with him?
Landon let himself really consider it for the first time. I… I don’t even know. I feel like when I’m with him it’s this slice out of my real life.
In a good way?
Yeah, he finally admitted with a smile that momentarily cut through the lingering sadness. It’s kind of magical being with him. I’ve just been scared of getting used to it.
I’m hearing you say that you want a relationship with him, but you’re just worried it won’t work out. Is that it?
Landon nodded. Ash made so many things simpler.
Let’s assume that you want a relationship, then, and we can guarantee that you’ll stay together. Do you also want him to be your Daddy?
I don’t even know. I mean, I do. But I have, like, a three-month curse. He laughed, but it wasn’t funny.
Ash didn’t laugh, their face showing only empathy. What does that mean?
I used to date a lot. All through college and most of my twenties. I must have had a dozen relationships that I thought would really work out. But about thre
e months in, every time, it would fall apart.
Why?
God, all the reasons. Sometimes I was too clingy and moved too fast. Sometimes we fought. Apparently I’m too pushy? Two different guys cheated on me, which like, isn’t a problem if you’re just messing around, but they said that we were exclusive. Some of them got bored with me, I guess, and just checked out. I had one relationship that technically lasted six months, but only because it was mostly long distance and we broke up once he got back.
Landon thought back. There were more.
Did you want a longer relationship, though?
Landon blew out his breath. I mean, I did at the time. I guess I still do. But like… Dustin and I met three months ago, and we’ve barely spent any time together and I already fucked it up.
Ash pulled him in for another hug. Landon let himself be held for a moment, sinking into Ash’s warmth. It didn’t fix everything, but it sure felt a lot better.
Eventually he figured he should check on the kids and maybe not hug for so long, so he pulled back. Lola was swinging from the monkey bars and Matt was lining up leaves on a park bench.
Ash rubbed his shoulder. Thanks for sharing that. I have no idea why they weren’t interested in you, but let’s assume for a minute that they were all assholes who didn’t know a good thing when they had it. And let’s assume that Dustin is crazy about you, which is what he said, and can break the three-month curse. So, do you want a relationship with him?
Landon let himself really consider it for the first time. I… I don’t even know. I feel like when I’m with him it’s this slice out of my real life.
In a good way?
Yeah, he finally admitted with a smile that momentarily cut through the lingering sadness. It’s kind of magical being with him. I’ve just been scared of getting used to it.
I’m hearing you say that you want a relationship with him, but you’re just worried it won’t work out. Is that it?
Landon nodded. Ash made so many things simpler.
Let’s assume that you want a relationship, then, and we can guarantee that you’ll stay together. Do you also want him to be your Daddy?
Love Lessons (Love Language Book 2) Page 21
