I don’t even know. I mean, I do. But I have, like, a three-month curse. He laughed, but it wasn’t funny.
Ash didn’t laugh, their face showing only empathy. What does that mean?
I used to date a lot. All through college and most of my twenties. I must have had a dozen relationships that I thought would really work out. But about three months in, every time, it would fall apart.
Why?
God, all the reasons. Sometimes I was too clingy and moved too fast. Sometimes we fought. Apparently I’m too pushy? Two different guys cheated on me, which like, isn’t a problem if you’re just messing around, but they said that we were exclusive. Some of them got bored with me, I guess, and just checked out. I had one relationship that technically lasted six months, but only because it was mostly long distance and we broke up once he got back.
Landon thought back. There were more.
Did you want a longer relationship, though?
Landon blew out his breath. I mean, I did at the time. I guess I still do. But like… Dustin and I met three months ago, and we’ve barely spent any time together and I already fucked it up.
Ash pulled him in for another hug. Landon let himself be held for a moment, sinking into Ash’s warmth. It didn’t fix everything, but it sure felt a lot better.
Eventually he figured he should check on the kids and maybe not hug for so long, so he pulled back. Lola was swinging from the monkey bars and Matt was lining up leaves on a park bench.
Ash rubbed his shoulder. Thanks for sharing that. I have no idea why they weren’t interested in you, but let’s assume for a minute that they were all assholes who didn’t know a good thing when they had it. And let’s assume that Dustin is crazy about you, which is what he said, and can break the three-month curse. So, do you want a relationship with him?
Landon let himself really consider it for the first time. I… I don’t even know. I feel like when I’m with him it’s this slice out of my real life.
In a good way?
Yeah, he finally admitted with a smile that momentarily cut through the lingering sadness. It’s kind of magical being with him. I’ve just been scared of getting used to it.
I’m hearing you say that you want a relationship with him, but you’re just worried it won’t work out. Is that it?
Landon nodded. Ash made so many things simpler.
Let’s assume that you want a relationship, then, and we can guarantee that you’ll stay together. Do you also want him to be your Daddy?
Memories rushed by. Kneeling. Showering. Sitting at his feet or in his lap. The way that Dustin asked about his plants. And then dreams and fantasies. The sexy ones and the gentler ones where he imagined lazy mornings in the kitchen and falling asleep in his arms.
It was all tinged with the sorrow of subdrop and the hurt from the parking lot this morning, but he still wanted to reach for it. I think I want that.
OK, here’s another one. Dustin seems to be pretty set on being in a closed, committed relationship. I don’t know what that means to him, but let’s pretend for a moment that he’s not interested in being in a relationship where you flirt, hook up, or have scenes with anyone else. Could you be happy in that type of relationship?
Landon wanted to have an answer. It should be easy, right? But objections kept jumping through his head. What if things didn’t work out? What if he accidentally flirted with someone and messed everything up? What if Landon was the problem in all of his past relationships? Or what if he couldn’t commit now? What if he was fine with a relationship, but didn’t want to give up as much control as Dustin wanted to take? Or worse, what if he wanted to give all of that control away and he became reliant upon it, like an addiction, and couldn’t survive if Dustin left?
The blanket of sadness started to nestle in again, sneaking into the corners of his brain like tendrils of fog.
Lola asked to be pushed on the swing, and of course Matt wanted the same thing. The kids flew high into the air and Landon wished that something so simple could make him happy.
Don’t think I didn’t notice that you haven’t answered my question, Ash said between pushes.
I know. I’m trying.
Ash gave Lola a bigger push and then turned to face him. Let me try asking this another way. You just said you would have hooked up with me. And believe me, that would have been hot. I’ve seen you as a Dom and… wow. Ash smirked, flicking their hand at the wrist to show their enthusiasm.
But, Ash continued, it would have been meaningless and over soon, and you’d just be jumping to the next scene. So if you had to choose between that hook-up with me and having Dustin as your Daddy, who would you choose?
The idea of having Ash at his mercy was compelling. Especially now that they’d blushingly admitted their crush and turned out to be so insightful and kind. Landon would have loved to take them apart and make them soar.
But it clarified something even more important. If he had to choose? He’d choose Dustin every time. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t just the most amazing sex he’d had in his life or discovering a new kink, it was that Dustin knew when he took his lunch break and sent him texts just as he opened his lunch. It was the way that Dustin had taken him to go running in a new park.
And it was impossible to separate all of that from how it felt when he told Dustin “make me,” and Dustin did.
There really wasn’t any comparison.
Um, I kind of feel like a dick saying this… This was one of those times when Landon hated how much eye contact signing required. He felt terrible that Ash had apparently been crushing on him and he hadn’t even noticed. Especially now that he was getting to know them better.
If things were different… but he wasn’t going to go down that path. Any glow of excitement he felt about Ash was overshadowed by his tumult of emotions for Dustin.
Let me guess... I solved all your problems because I’m brilliant? Ash's smile was just a little too bright.
They were obviously deflecting, but there wasn’t much Landon could do except to follow their lead and not make a big deal about it. Yeah, I mean… I do actually find you attractive. And I would have hooked up with you if I knew.
But not anymore?
Yeah.
Ash shrugged. I know. We wouldn’t have been a good fit anyway. We both need Daddies.
Who knew? I guess.
Oh, that’s another question. I know you’re a switch, but that doesn’t seem like something that Dustin’s going to be into. How do you feel about losing that?
That question was actually easier. I think I’m maybe eighty or ninety percent submissive. When I’m dominant it feels more like a way of pleasing the other person than something I really do for myself. It’s kind of fun for a change of pace, and I like exploring, but I don’t think I need it in my life.
Ash nodded. I think a lot of people like to switch occasionally even if they have a preference. Most of them just don’t act on it as much as you have.
Wow. Ash really had been watching him It was kind of sweet, but definitely not going to go anywhere now.
Right, um, so what do I do now? Landon asked.
Now? Nothing. Unless you think your subdrop is over?
I think it’s getting better. Maybe… he drew a shape in space to show that he was over halfway back to normal. It usually lifts by the evening no matter what I do.
Ash nodded, and Landon realized he was still being a bit of a dick. Actually, I didn’t say what I meant. The hormones are starting to equalize, but I’m actually feeling a lot better because you took the time to talk with me, too. Can we, um, be friends?
Ash looked at him skeptically. I thought that was the plan when we hung out at Dustin’s house.
He felt a little silly admitting this. I mean, it was. But Dustin was the one who thought I needed more friends and thought I should get to know you. Now I realize that he was right.
Fortunately, Ash thought that was hilarious instead of taking offense. Are you going to tell him tha
t?
Not unless he makes me!
Ash giggled.
The rest of their day was relaxed, and Landon really found himself enjoying Ash’s company. They checked out the new robotics exhibit, which Landon wanted to bring his students to, and Ash kept him amused with great stories and an honest enthusiasm about the science they were exploring.
After they dropped off the kids, Landon drove Ash back to the parking lot to get their car. Pulling into the lot, though, kind of made his stomach turn.
Did you know that I’ve run out into the parking lot to talk to Dustin after every munch? It’s like… where I make a fool out of myself every time.
Ash rubbed his shoulder. Maybe you need to have a goal of talking about things at other times, so you don’t have to do that anymore.
Everything felt more real now. Real and scary. What am I supposed to do? I don’t even know if he’s still interested. Or what I want. I can’t, like, get down on my knees and pledge myself to him for life or something crazy. I just want to have a chance to figure it out.
That’s all you have to do, then. Tell him that you want to figure things out together.
And what if he doesn’t listen?
Then tell him again. You’re determined. If he doesn’t listen to you now, he will eventually. Also, maybe think about what’s important to him. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, but maybe something that would show him that you’re thinking about what he cares about.
Landon couldn’t think of anything immediately, and that was even worse. He’d been so wrapped up in himself that he didn’t know what Dustin liked. Cooking, maybe? Running? But those were things that Landon liked.
Hey, Ash shook his shoulder. You can do this. Just talk to him. The rest is optional. And remember, you’ve already made it through three months, so this is where you prove you can go for four.
Thanks. That’s… a good way to think about it. Do you think I can go see him now?
That’s what I would do. If you feel like you’re ready, there’s no reason to draw it out.
I wish I knew if he was at home. I don’t think I can handle texting him first.
Ash held up one slender finger telling him to wait, then dug out their phone. After poking around for a moment, they gave Landon a smile. He’s home. You should go over.
What? How did you know? Please tell me you didn’t text him!
Nope. I texted Zhong. I assumed they’d be together.
Hang on, how do you know Zhong that well? I didn’t even know you had his number.
Ash shrugged, though Landon was starting to notice that they did that sometimes when they were deflecting. We’ve actually hung out a few times since Dustin introduced us. We’re cuddle buddies. It’s like fuck buddies but for cuddles. And he’s really nice.
Was there something wistful in Ash’s explanation? Landon wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not, since he knew that Zhong was ace. It sounded difficult, and he realized that he wanted Ash to be happy.
And maybe he could be a little bit happy, too. He didn’t really have a plan, but he’d figured some important things out. Not to mention that if Zhong said he should come over, it was hopefully going to be alright.
Chapter 16
Dustin
Dustin plucked an aimless melody on his guitar while Zhong sat beside him and read a book, his toes tucked under Dustin’s thigh.
It was probably good that Zhong couldn’t hear him, because he wasn’t very good. But it gave him something for his fingers to do and he’d always liked playing music. The song that poured out today was melancholy and slow.
He appreciated Zhong just being there, but he’d cycled through the same thoughts so many times today with Zhong that he wanted to give his best friend a rest.
His own thoughts, though, kept circling around like vultures over a wounded animal.
He’d gone over the hundreds of ways that he could have handled this morning better. And definitely all of the reasons why he shouldn’t ever be anyone’s Daddy or Dom if he couldn’t be trusted not to throw a tantrum in the parking lot or take better care of Landon.
Zhong had suggested that he either apologize to Landon and patch things up or recognize that it wouldn’t work out for them if they were looking for different things in a relationship.
It sounded so logical coming from Zhong, but he didn’t want anyone else.
He couldn’t say he was in love yet. But it felt like love. He was possessive. And obsessed. And… smitten. Enchanted.
Heartbroken.
He just didn’t know if he could trust it. It could be Dom frenzy, and he needed to be honest about whether he was confusing kinks with love. But he’d also read that D/s relationships progressed a lot faster because you were trusting each other with your deepest vulnerabilities while vanilla couples were still talking about their favorite colors or something.
Landon had given him something. Something so special and deep and trusting.
But they’d also talked a lot. They’d gone running and made dinners and gone to a museum and watched movies. It couldn’t just be kink, right? Wasn’t that enough for it to be real?
Not that it mattered. He’d overreacted and ruined everything. Mournful notes spilled from the guitar.
At some point, Zhong got up, but Dustin didn’t pay much attention. He heard the door open and close a couple of times and ignored it.
So when he looked up and found Landon sitting across from him in the armchair, he almost didn’t believe he was real. His fingers stuttered in a discordant tangle of notes.
Play it again? Landon asked.
Dustin wanted to throw the guitar across the room and sweep Landon into his arms. He also wanted to do whatever Landon asked and not fuck this up. I’m just making it up. I don’t think I can.
Will you make something up for me, then?
Oh, God. His beautiful, dazzling boy. He’d give him anything he wanted. Anything at all. Of course.
His fingers tumbled over the strings again, without any plan but just wandering around in a key. He watched Landon closely, not sure how much he could hear even though he’d put his hearing aids in.
He finally let the melody trail off. Could you hear that?
Landon held up his thumb and finger, so close together they were almost touching. I got a few of the lower notes.
I can play the electric guitar for you sometime, he offered, hoping for a future where he could bump up the bass and at least let Landon feel the rhythm.
I’d like that.
After that, he wasn’t quite sure what to do. Why was Landon here? He had so many hopes and so many fears.
He started playing again, then gave it up. He didn’t deserve Landon, but maybe if he could do a better job, be a better person, he might be lucky enough to still spend some time with him anyway.
Starting with an apology. I’m sorry for what I said this morning. It was way out of line.
Landon gave a jerky nod. It could have come out defiant and fiery, but instead he looked small and lost. Like he needed Dustin to wrap him up and take care of him, but Dustin had given up that right, if he’d ever had it.
I’m more sorry than I can ever say. It wasn’t my business who you were flirting with. And I shouldn’t have asked for more than what you were willing to give. I should never, never have shoved you. No matter what else happens, I just want to tell you how sorry I am.
It’s OK. Landon said it, but he still looked uncertain. Like he was trying to figure out what to say but didn’t know how.
It’s really not OK. It’s unforgivable.
No, it’s… you didn’t really shove me. Like, my sister shoves me harder when we’re teasing each other. A faint smile ghosted at his lips, probably because of his sister. And I… I can see why you were angry now. I didn’t… I think I needed some time to figure things out and I responded by trying to act like nothing had changed. That wasn’t fair to you either.
Dustin wasn’t going to let him take the blame. You were pr
etty clear that you wanted casual and no commitments. I just didn’t listen.
Landon hugged himself in the chair and rocked back and forth, like he needed comfort. I talked to Ash today. They helped me figure some things out. And I think I want to try a relationship with you. I’m just… I haven’t tried to be in a relationship since grad school. They were always such a disaster. He gave Dustin a look of wary hope.
Dustin muscles literally ached from the tension as he made himself stay on the couch instead of going to Landon. He felt exultant and every ounce of that controlling obsession was hitting him full force. But Landon was nervous and the best thing he could give him was steady confidence and moving things at his pace.
I’m honored that you would want to try with me. I’ll take things slowly, I promise. We’ll go at your pace. You just let me know what you need.
I may not always know what I need. There was a little bit of Landon’s flirtiness back.
I won’t stop you from flirting with other people, either. It’s part of who you are, and I was wrong to be jealous. His beguiling bird should never be caged.
Landon looked abashed. I don’t need to flirt. It’s not the right thing to do.
Dustin wasn’t sure if that was true. He wanted to grab that promise eagerly, but he reminded himself that this was about Landon. What he needed. If Landon wanted to flirt with other people he wouldn’t say a word as long as Landon still left with him at the end of each gathering. But he wasn’t going to keep arguing the point now.
I’m less worried about you flirting than about what else was going on this morning. I need you to talk to me.
Landon’s face crumbled. It was subdrop. I was feeling crappy, but I can usually manage it, only I got overwhelmed. Then I fucked it all up.
Shit. Dustin felt horrible. Landon must have been going through something awful today, and he’d yelled at him and pushed him away. He’d let his own jealousy and confusion get in the way of taking care of Landon and a situation that was his fault in the first place.
Love Lessons (Love Language Book 2) Page 22
