Landon: I already tried talking to him.
Ash: when you’re not in bed
Landon: I did! Really!
Ash: the bed part was a metaphor. when you’re not trying to seduce him.
Landon: ;) I did actually talk to him, though. We even looked at my list of limits together.
Landon: How do I make him not be afraid to punish me?
Ash: what’s he afraid of?
Landon: Subdrop.
He hesitated before sharing the next part. But Ash wouldn’t spread it around, and he really did need their advice if he was going to make a relationship work with Dustin. He felt like Ash was getting to be pretty close now, and Zhong seemed to trust them too, so he felt like it was OK.
Landon: I think he also feels guilty because he has auditory processing disorder and didn’t understand when his ex was asking him to stop one time. I think it was the only time he tried something kinky, too.
Ash: was his ex hurt?
Landon: It sounded like they weren’t playing with anything beyond spanking so I’m guessing it was more of a trust issue.
Ash: that sucks. it sounds like it wasn’t his fault.
Landon. I know. But what do I DO?
Ash: are you ready for some mind-blowing advice?
Landon: Please!
Ash: talk to him
Landon should have expected that. But he saw the text bubbles and held off on a sarcastic reply.
Ash: tell him what subdrop is like for you and how he can help you when it happens
Ash: then figure out how you can safeword with his APD
Ash: maybe use a bell if your hands are tied up
Holy shit. Why the hell hadn’t he thought of that? Not to mention, had he actually talked about what subdrop was like from a practical perspective?
Landon: You’re a genius!
Ash: i know. you owe me chocolate.
Ash: i’ve seen you give advice like this to other people. you just suck at doing it for yourself.
Landon: That’s why I have you. I’ll buy you a cupcake.
Ash: Go get your kink on.
Ash: And then tell me all about it.
Landon shoved his phone into his pocket, feeling like he at least had a plan. Thank God for Ash.
Should he ask Dustin to cancel the dinner plans so he could have a Lena day? Or maybe some Daddy time? Or better yet, some time for Lena to be with her Daddy? He felt shivery just thinking about it.
Tentatively, he pulled out his phone again.
Landon: I might be Lena tonight.
Dustin: Lucky me. You never have to tell me though. Unless you want to get me excited.
That was the other problem with Dustin. He was so perfect in so many ways.
Landon: I’m not sure I’m comfortable being Lena in a new place.
Dustin: I’ll support you whatever you want to do. You just let me know.
Landon: Too many decisions.
Would Dustin pick up on that? He really needed him to step in and take charge.
Dustin: Go get dressed up, pretty girl. I’ll order something for us to eat and see you at 6.
Thank God. That was exactly what he needed.
Landon: Thank you.
He thought about adding Daddy to the end. But would that be too much? Maybe they should talk first? He didn’t think that Dustin had changed his mind about what he wanted, Landon just couldn’t figure out how to make it happen.
Fuck, he didn’t really want to think right now.
But makeup? Makeup he could do. After a nice long shower. At least he could be all soft and smooth and sweet-smelling when Dustin came over.
◆◆◆
By the time Dustin arrived, Lena was feeling a bit more relaxed. The conversations with the parents today still weighed on her, but they’d been pushed to the back of her mind. And hopefully with Dustin there, they’d be pushed away entirely.
He arrived a few minutes before six with a take-out bag, and after he gave her a lingering kiss, he asked about her day.
She let it all pour out, all of her frustration with the situation and fears for her students. While she talked, he led her to the couch and snuggled her up on his lap.
When she finished, he snuggled her for a while and planted tiny kisses on her forehead. It was nice getting the comfort, but the part that she loved best was that he hadn’t asked her anything. He’d just moved her where he wanted her and held her tightly even when she squirmed a bit to test his hold.
No more thinking tonight, pretty girl. Let me take care of everything.
God, yes. That was what she needed.
He moved her gently to the side and went to retrieve their food from where he’d left it near the door. He pulled out sushi, edamame, dumplings, and seaweed salad and laid them all out on the coffee table. It was a beautiful spread, even in the inelegant white Styrofoam containers, and she reached out hungrily.
He caught her wrist and pulled it back to place a gentle kiss on her palm. Then, he moved her hand to her lap. She felt a spark of desire race down her back and felt her shoulders relax.
He prepared a piece of her favorite eel roll with wasabi, soy sauce, and absolutely no ginger, and then held it up to her lips. She accepted it, licking around his fingers.
He always fed her when he wanted to take care of her. And while it wasn’t something she would have expected to like before Dustin, she’d been surprised by how much she enjoyed it.
It was sensual and relaxed in this way that made her feel delightfully dependent and grateful to him for taking care of her.
He alternated between different bites of things, even feeding her the messy seaweed salad with his fingers, though he used chopsticks when he got his own.
As they nestled together, she decided to try talking with him again about what she wanted. She wasn’t quite sure how to bring it up though, so she brought it up indirectly. Can you tell me about your APD?
Dustin looked surprised, but not upset. Sure. I have difficulty with sound discrimination and auditory memory. So sometimes I lose sounds, sometimes my brain fills in the wrong ones, and sometimes it just feels like speech is just moving twice as fast as my brain. And even when I hear it, sometimes I can’t replay it in my mind or put all the pieces together.
He paused to feed her another bite of dumpling and then continued. When I was a kid and people asked me which thing I wanted from a list, I’d always just say the last thing that I heard. It used to really piss off my parents, but it helped me get a diagnosis. Before my aide figured it out, everyone thought I had ADD.
But you don’t have that problem with ASL? Lena confirmed.
ASL is fine and so is reading and writing. It’s really just auditory information that doesn’t connect.
So what would happen if you heard, like, a bell or something?
Dustin shrugged and ate the other half of the dumpling he’d fed her. I might hear it, or I might not. I’ve missed tons of calls and doorbells and stuff because I don’t hear them, though it’s usually better if it’s longer sounds. Like, I miss the chime for a text all the time, but I have my doorbell set to play a really long melody to give me time to hear it.
Well, apparently a bell wouldn’t work. Lena was glad she hadn’t started with that. Although she did have a question.
How do you play music, then?
Dustin laughed. Badly. Apparently I can’t hear rhythms very well, though my sense of pitch is fine. I could never play with a band or anything because the other sounds would be overwhelming, and I probably wouldn’t stay on rhythm. I mostly picked it up because I wanted to look cool and my parents agreed since it’s supposed to help strengthen auditory connections.
Lena snuggled closer into Dustin’s warm bulk and shook her head when he offered her another bite. Her belly was full and now she was thinking about other hungers. If only she could figure out how to bring it up.
Thank you for telling me. Would help if we had a visual signal when you tie me up? Not that he had yet. Like ma
ybe if I was holding a colorful scarf that I could wave or drop or something? Something a bit easier to see?
Dustin thought about it. I think it couldn’t hurt. But it also feels complicated. And I’m not sure if it would be that different from just watching your hands. It could be useful for some things, though. He gave her a wicked smirk.
That look gave her confidence. I wanted to tell you about aftercare for me, too. I think we didn’t discuss it before.
She immediately had all of his attention and she loved being the focus of that penetrating gaze.
So, I know that after a scene some people feel relaxed and floaty, but I usually feel a bit jangly and energetic. I didn’t feel that way as much with our scenes, and it kind of depends on what I’m doing. I hate being held afterward, but it’s usually OK with you. She felt kind of shy admitting that.
And when I have subdrop, she felt him stiffen around her, it’s usually the next day. It’s nothing terrible. I just feel a little sad and need some extra space. And maybe some extra cuddles. Hopefully. She wanted it to be different with Dustin. I usually just try to go on with my regular day and try not to make any important decisions or do anything difficult. It’s not a big deal, just something that happens.
Dustin drew her fingertips to his lips and gave them each a kiss before dropping her hand. I’m sorry that I did that to you.
Lena shook her head. No, you don’t understand. It’s completely worth it. Every time. The reason I have subdrop is because whatever happened the day before was so amazing that it used up a two-day supply of pleasure transmitters in my brain. I promise it’s a good thing.
Dustin smiled, but it still looked strained. Thank you for telling me. I understand better now. Will you tell me if it happens again?
I will. This wasn’t where she’d expected to be a few months ago, but Ash had helped her figure a lot of things out. If she trusted Dustin enough to have a relationship, she needed to trust him enough to handle her moods and subdrop, too.
If it ever happened again. Which would, of course, require them actually doing something. She hoped this would be the incentive he needed.
She turned her head up, hoping for a kiss, and he gave it to her. His kisses were always amazing, creative and sensuous, playing with her mouth and drawing her in to whatever tempo he created.
He led her to the shower and gently washed her everywhere, his adoration clear. He kissed her passionately and even dropped to his knees to suck her off with obvious enjoyment. When her legs were weak and she felt drowsy and small, he dried her off, dressed her in a loose t-shirt and panties, and tucked her into bed.
It was so close to perfect… and that only made it harder to admit that it still wasn’t everything that she needed.
◆◆◆
After that, things just seemed to get more out of sync. Landon could count on receiving a text from Dustin every day during his lunch break. They spent one or two evenings together each week.
He got to know Zhong better, when he was casually around wherever Dustin was. And somehow Ash had become a part of their little group and could often be found leaning against Zhong’s knee or sitting on his lap.
The weather got warmer and they went on picnics and long runs in gorgeous parks over the weekends. They drove into the city to see an interpreted play and tried new restaurants.
Landon eventually caved to Maggie’s nagging and brought Dustin over to meet her and the kids, and it felt like his family was getting a little bit bigger.
It was almost like a fairytale relationship, with everything he should have needed.
Except.
Except.
Except that he knew this feeling. It was that three-month point where things fell apart. Kinks didn’t quite mesh. Communication didn’t quite work. Expectations didn’t quite match up. And it was happening again.
Ash had been totally wrong. Landon hadn’t made it through three months that day he had subdrop. He’d just started the three months a little later because he was avoiding Dustin at the beginning. The curse was still following him around like his personal rain cloud.
So now he was feeling restless and irritable but couldn’t quite figure out what to do about it. He didn’t want to lose Dustin, and that made him even more worried that anything he did wrong would mess things up.
He tried to be good. To be accommodating and helpful and ready to compromise. It was always what he did when he felt uncertain, because he hated conflict. And he really did like it when Dustin doted on him and took care of him.
He made absolutely certain not to flirt with anyone else, even when Dustin wasn’t around, but that just made him question whether this was what relationships were supposed to be like.
Maggie and Ash both reminded him that relationships needed communication and compromise. But he was getting that itchy feeling, like a lizard that had outgrown his old skin.
What was worse was he got the impression that Dustin wasn’t happy either. He was getting more tentative instead of more confident. The time when they might start exploring more of the kinks that initially brought them together seemed to be getting further away instead of closer.
What if they never reached that point?
It left Landon feeling unmoored.
This was exactly what he’d worried about before getting involved. It was what happened when you let yourself rely on someone and then it didn’t work out. Before Dustin he’d had his own center.
Now he felt like he couldn’t find the ground to place his feet on.
One evening Landon even claimed he had a headache to avoid walking around on eggshells. And that was when he knew he’d have to end things. He’d never been the one to break up with someone, but the result would be the same.
It just hurt so much more this time, because this was so close to what he could now admit he wanted.
On top of that, he was worried about losing Zhong and Ash if they broke up. How shitty was that? At least Ash should have been his friend first, but since they were spending so much time with Zhong, he could lose both of them.
So he’d put it off and then put it off again. Dustin was as attentive as ever, and clearly knew something was wrong. Landon just couldn’t quite bring himself to tell him.
Instead, he threw himself into his work. He started volunteering a little bit more. When Dustin was around, he laughed and flirted and tried to relax. He tried to just want what he had a little bit more.
There were still elements of Dustin taking care of him, just in a different way than he’d expected.
But it left him feeling out of control, and not in a good way.
It didn’t help that he hadn’t heard anything from the school district, either. The last day of school was just around the corner, and he still had no idea where or if he’d be teaching next year. He really had nothing left to cling to.
His last hope was the appointment with the superintendent next week. Apparently the director of special education services and the director of middle and high school curriculum were supposed to be there as well. He felt a little nervous, but he didn’t want to let his kids down.
At least it was something that he could do.
Chapter 19
Dustin
Dustin buzzed Landon’s apartment, wondering when everything had gone wrong. He’d been trying so hard to avoid smothering him, but it felt like Landon was slipping through his fingers.
Landon had claimed to be committed to him, but two months had passed, and things only felt more tentative. He’d pulled back on the Daddy kink and tried to give Landon the space that he needed. He tried to move slowly, even though it was killing him.
Now they just felt out of sync.
They were closer in some ways. They saw each other all the time. And Landon always wrote back to him when he texted. They’d shared childhood stories and dreams for the future. And Landon got along famously with Zhong, which was always one of Dustin’s worries.
He’d even told Landon that he was allowed to flirt
at the munches, but his boyfriend just sat next to him and chatted calmly when someone came over to them. It should have been warm and fulfilling. Instead, it felt like Landon’s internal flame had been extinguished.
And he should have known it was coming. What else could he expect from caging in such a wild and free creature? Maybe it would be better to let him go.
The door buzzed and he rode the slow elevator, realizing that he wasn’t in any hurry for it to go faster.
Landon had left his apartment door slightly ajar, as he usually did after buzzing someone in. He only had the flashing light hooked up to the intercom system for the outside entrance and hadn’t bothered installing one for the hallway.
When Dustin poked his head in, he expected Landon to be waiting for him, or at least visible. His apartment wasn’t large, and the doorway opened up into the kitchen and living room. He thought he might be in the bathroom, but he couldn’t hear water running. In fact, he didn’t hear anything at all.
He decided to look for him in the more public areas first and didn’t have to look hard. Landon was laying on the couch, his face pressed into the cushions.
Dustin’s heart tugged in his chest. Landon was always so strong and vibrant. Even when he was tired he would always at least explain what was going on.
Hiding his face wasn’t like him at all. His whole body was slack, like he didn’t have the energy to move. And he was wearing the loose-fitting khakis and button-down that said he hadn’t changed when he got home from work.
Was this because of the meeting with the superintendent today? It probably hadn’t gone well, which unfortunately wasn’t surprising. If the district cared at all about Landon’s program, they would have fixed it long ago.
Or was Landon sick? Hurt? Exhausted? Dustin ached to be able to take care of him, to take all of his worries away and give him what he needed.
He reached out to touch him when another thought occurred to him. Had he done this? Was he the cause? Was this Landon’s way of saying that he was done with the wannabe Dom and unwanted boyfriend that Dustin had tried to be?
Dustin knelt down beside the couch and paused before he touched him. He wanted to savor the way that his hair tangled over his collar and the muscles of his back expanded into his shirt with each breath.
Love Lessons (Love Language Book 2) Page 24
