Love at First Fight

by Mary Jayne Baker

  ‘Yes, he’s an old schoolfriend. Well, I say friend…’

  ‘All right, Sweet Pea?’ Ben said when he reached them. He leaned over the table to help himself to a chip. ‘Still alive then, are you?’

  She flashed him a wide smile. ‘Well I almost pined away when you went off on your geriatric gap year, but then I don’t know, after about ten minutes I somehow seemed to make this miraculous recovery. How’s your substitute penis?’

  ‘The Audi? Just like the real thing, love: sleek, sexy and ready to ride.’

  ‘Mmm. Or over-hyped, over-polished and comes too quickly.’

  Ben looked Joel up and down as if he were some sort of specimen impaled ready for dissection, taking in his man bun and selection of Spice-themed tattoos. ‘What number’s this one then, Bride?’

  ‘Bloody Cal, I’ll kill him,’ she muttered. She summoned a smile for her date, who was watching their gleeful bickering with a puzzled expression on his face. ‘Um, I’m out of wine here, Joel. Do you think you could pop to the bar and get us another couple of drinks?’

  ‘Have you got any money?’

  She lifted an eyebrow. ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Hey, I bought us the chips, didn’t I?’

  ‘Of course, you’re right. And I only bought the last two rounds, how selfish of me.’ She pushed her empty glass towards him. ‘Just tell Pete to stick it on a tab. I’ll settle up when I leave.’

  ‘Well, what number date is it then?’ Ben asked when Joel had gone to the bar.

  She glared at him. ‘Nineteen, if you must know. And please tell your brother from me that he might want to start wearing a cricket box when he comes over to ours.’

  ‘So how are you finding Joel?’

  ‘He’s great. Really, really nice guy. Some sort of big-shot music producer, apparently.’

  ‘Liar.’

  She grimaced. ‘All right, so he’s not a music producer. But he’s still pretty cool.’

  Ben leaned over her to take the last chip. ‘What’re you two planning to do after this? Will it be the standard post-date shag, do you think, or will you be spending the night picking through Mel C’s bins together?’

  She scowled at him. ‘Have you been eavesdropping on us?’

  He shrugged. ‘Couldn’t help hearing a bit on my way over. Look, how about you ditch this loser and come have a drink with me and Cal? You must’ve got tired of only seeing me in your more erotic dreams this past year.’

  ‘No thanks. Joel might be boring, obsessive and tight as fuck, but I’ll still take his Spice Girls fixation over your tales of sleeping with the entire female population of Brazil.’

  ‘Peru.’

  ‘Whatever.’ She cast a glance over his deeply tanned arms and curled her lip. ‘You look like you’ve been Ronsealed. What do they call that shade, Werther’s Original?’

  He grinned. ‘Missed you, Bride.’

  ‘Not mutual.’

  ‘You’re looking pretty sexy yourself,’ he said, looking over her outfit of yellow strappy top and skinny jeans. ‘I’m told you’re into wearing thongs these days.’

  ‘Tell Cal to make sure that’s a steel-lined cricket box, will you? Because just for him I’m about to get into wearing hobnailed boots as well.’

  ‘It was only a matter of time.’

  She nodded to his jeans. ‘You do know your flies have been undone the whole time we’ve been talking, right?’

  ‘Shit, have they?’

  Bridie smirked as he cast a worried glance in the direction of his crotch. ‘Made you look.’

  ‘Funny.’ He nudged her. ‘So do you think you’ll be going back to Joel’s place later, or is it a cosy night in with the alternative entertainment you’ve got hidden in your knicker drawer?’

  She looked up to smile dangerously at him. ‘Bend over and I’ll show you.’

  ‘Hey, don’t threaten me with a good time.’

  ‘Look, just sod off, Kemp, can you? Go back to Darkest Peru, see if you can get a job making marmalade sandwiches for Paddington Bear or something.’

  ‘Come on, Bride,’ he said, putting an arm around her shoulders. ‘Ditch Joel and come have a drink with us. You can have lots of fun insulting me and I promise I won’t tell a single story about my many sexual conquests on the South American continent. Although you’re right, there were loads.’

  ‘Nope. Fine where I am, thanks. And look, here’s my date back again.’ She shrugged off his arm and fixed her face into a smile as Joel arrived with their drinks and a couple of bags of crisps. ‘Cheers, honey.’

  ‘Oooh. Nice touch,’ Ben mouthed.

  ‘Hope you don’t mind, I stuck a couple of bags of Kettle Chips on your tab as well,’ Joel said as he sat back down. ‘I spent all afternoon in the gym working on my deltoids so I’m craving carbs tonight.’ He cast an underwhelmed glance at Ben. ‘Oh. Your friend’s still here.’

  ‘I know, he’s failing to take the most obvious of hints,’ Bridie said. ‘He thrives on attention though. Just ignore him and he’ll soon go away.’

  ‘I was going anyway.’ Ben clapped Joel hard on the shoulder. ‘Look after this one, mate, she’s a real treasure.’ He winked at Bridie before strolling back to his own table.

  Bridie scowled after him. God, she hated that guy.

  Hattie smiled fondly at Cal as he lay sleeping beside her, his arms wrapped tightly around her naked body as if afraid she might disappear in the night. She ran her fingertips lightly over the bare skin of his back, and he grunted appreciatively in his sleep at her touch.

  Even after more than a year together, the novelty of this part – of waking up in his embrace – had never quite worn off for her.

  Hattie had had a couple of longish relationships in the past; even lived with someone for a while – Scott, her last serious boyfriend. It was after they broke up three years ago that she’d landed here in Bridie’s spare bedroom, and, after the two friends had discovered that living together suited them, she’d ended up staying put.

  Hattie had really thought she’d been in love when she’d moved in with Scott; had even idly dreamed about marriage, and the kids they’d have together one day. She thought she’d been in love once before that too, with Tyler, her university boyfriend. But she’d never dreamed she could have anything like what she had with Cal Kemp; lovely Cal, who made her laugh, supported her, believed in her and loved her in a way no one else ever had. This time, Hattie knew for certain she’d met the one person she was destined to grow old with.

  She leaned over him – his breathing soft and regular as he slept – and planted a gentle kiss on his cheek.

  The peace was shattered by a loud voice from outside the bedroom door.

  ‘Wakey wakey!’ it yelled, followed by the elephant honk of a vuvuzela.

  ‘Jesus Christ!’ Cal’s eyelids popped open like a doll pushed suddenly upright. ‘What is it? Are we at war?’

  Hattie smiled. ‘No, love, we’re just getting Bridied. I’ve been expecting her for the last twenty minutes. She does this every year on my birthday.’

  ‘All right, you two, I’m coming in!’ Bridie called from behind the door. ‘Please cover all bums, boobs, willies, fannies and anything else you don’t want me to see.’ A second later the door flew open and she marched in, still in her pyjamas, honking the vuvuzela like the boogie-woogie bugle boy of Company B.

  ‘Ugh. Talk about a rude awakening,’ Cal muttered, pushing himself into a sitting position. ‘What kind of a birthday tradition do you call this, Bride?’

  ‘One that worked perfectly well before you started practically living here rent-free. Hattie likes me to wake her up early on her birthday, don’t you, Hat?’

  ‘I don’t, in fact,’ Hattie said. ‘When my birthday’s on a weekend, I like nice, long lie-ins snuggling with my boyfriend.’

  Bridie smiled fondly at her. ‘I know. Why do you think I do it?’

  Cal laughed. ‘I have to pop into the garage this morning, as it happens, so I’ll clear out and leav
e you to your girly birthday shenanigans.’ He leaned over to plant a lingering kiss on Hattie’s lips. ‘Happy birthday, gorgeous. I’ll see you at the party tonight.’

  Hattie smiled, blushing slightly. ‘OK. Can’t wait.’

  ‘I’ll miss you.’

  ‘I’ll miss you more.’

  ‘Love you lots.’

  ‘I know you do, Cal. Me too.’

  Bridie made a gagging noise. ‘Christ, do we have to have this every time he leaves the house? He’s going to work, not the Russian Front.’

  Cal turned to frown at her. ‘Nobody invited you to come in and watch, you know. How about buggering off for a minute so I can kiss my girlfriend goodbye properly and get dressed without flashing you?’

  ‘Oh no, not a chance. If I leave you alone it’ll be hours until I can get Hattie to myself, waiting for you two to finish snogging. Not to mention what tends to come after that.’ She turned to face the wall. ‘There, I’m not peeping. Get your clothes on and sod off, Cal Kemp.’

  ‘Ever the charming hostess,’ Cal said. ‘All right, but no looking. Eyes away from that mirror.’

  ‘Cal, I promise, you’ve got nothing under that duvet I want to see.’

  ‘Ouch. That hurts, Bride.’

  Hattie gave his arm a consoling pat. ‘Never mind her. She doesn’t know what she’s missing.’

  ‘Well, you have to say that. But thanks.’ He gave Hattie a last kiss and hopped out of bed to put his clothes on.

  When Cal had left to go to work, Bridie bounced on to Hattie’s bed, beaming broadly.

  ‘It’s your birthday, Hat!’ she said, giving the vuvuzela another ear-splitting honk. ‘Get your clothes on and let’s go have fun. There’s presents to be opened downstairs.’

  Hattie groaned. ‘It’s too early for this. Stop honking my eardrums off, can you?’

  ‘It’s quarter of an hour later than last year. Serves you right for staying up all night shagging.’

  ‘Hey. Pre-birthday treat. I’m entitled.’

  ‘Come on, you’re awake now,’ Bridie said, nudging her. ‘You might as well get up and come to play.’

  ‘Why are you so bouncy?’ Hattie demanded. ‘You normally spend the morning after a date muttering to yourself about all blokes being a dead loss and the possibility of entering a convent. Nice and quietly, in your very own room.’

  ‘Not today. Today it’s my best friend’s birthday. Here, I brought you a coffee to help you wake up.’

  Bridie jumped up to grab the two mugs she’d left on top of the bookshelf outside Hattie’s room and put one down on her friend’s bedside table.

  ‘Thanks.’ Hattie reached for a bobble to push her morning bed-head hair into a rough bun before drinking her coffee. ‘What are you in such a good mood for then?’

  ‘Aren’t I allowed to just be happy?’

  ‘No.’ Hattie narrowed one eye. ‘You didn’t get lucky last night, did you?’

  ‘Nope, another total write-off. He had the lyrics to “Two Become One” tattooed on his lower back.’

  ‘God, you’re kidding.’

  ‘I’m not. He flashed me with it and everything. And he was wearing those slouchy trousers so he included a generous amount of bum crack as a bonus.’ Bridie shrugged. ‘Suppose I’m just relieved I’m coming to the end of this twenty dates thing. After tonight I’ll be done with the whole business and I can finally relax.’

  ‘You’re not really going to swear off men forever, are you?’

  ‘Yep. I think the fact I’m looking forward to it so much is proof that twenty dates in twenty days was a great idea. I’m now completely sanguine about the fact I’ll never have to spend another tedious evening with another tedious man as long as I live.’

  ‘What time did you get home from the pub?’

  ‘Nineish. I must admit, I feel better for a full night’s sleep.’

  ‘That’s early,’ Hattie observed. ‘How did you manage to escape the clutches of “Two Become One” bum crack guy then?’

  Bridie gave a wry smile. ‘Someone phoned Pete behind the bar and told him I needed to go home straight away because my adorable Schnauzer puppy had been injured by a falling piano.’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘In other words, Ben Kemp bailed me out. At least, I assume it must’ve been him.’

  ‘Oh yeah, Cal said they ran into you last night,’ Hattie said. ‘So Ben phoned Pete, did he?’

  ‘Must’ve done. I saw him leaving with some unfortunate girl he’d been chatting up, right before I got the message. I guess he must’ve rung somewhere on the way back to her place.’

  ‘That was nice of him.’

  ‘No it wasn’t. He just loves the idea of rubbing the fact he rescued me in my face, that’s all. I never asked him to stick his nose in.’

  Hattie shook her head. ‘You’re really too hard on him. I know Ben can be kind of up himself, but he’s a good laugh, isn’t he? I like him.’

  ‘You haven’t known him as long as I have,’ Bridie muttered. ‘Plus you’ve got Cal prejudicing you in his brother’s favour. Believe me, Ben Kemp is a royal pain in the arse and he always has been.’

  Hattie examined her for a moment.

  ‘What did happen between you two at school, Bride?’ she asked. ‘The whole story.’

  ‘You know what happened. He stood me up for a date after A levels.’

  ‘What, and you’re still sore about it ten years later?’

  Bridie glared into her coffee cup as if she could see Ben’s stupid cheekboney face in there, smirking up at her.

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘I’m sore about the fact that he struts around this town like a randy alpha gorilla with a permanent hard-on, thinking every lass he meets is sizzling with lust for him.’

  ‘Hmm.’ Hattie took a sip of her coffee, still with her eyes fixed on Bridie. ‘Why should that bother you? It’s no skin off your nose who Ben gets a hard-on for, is it?’

  ‘It’s the way he loves to flaunt it, that’s all,’ Bridie muttered. ‘Smug git.’

  ‘Did you have feelings for him then? Cal seems to think you might’ve been pretty serious about each other at one point.’

  ‘So do you want to open your presents now?’ Bridie asked, turning away. ‘Then I thought I’d take you out for breakfast at Chicolini’s. My treat, obviously.’

  ‘You’re not getting out of it that easily.’ Hattie made her eyes wide and leaned round to flutter her eyelashes at her friend. ‘It’s my birthday, Bride. You have to tell me secrets on my birthday, especially after you chased Cal away during cuddle time.’

  Bridie smirked. ‘Yeah. You know, I’ve started to realise what it is you see in that boy.’

  ‘Oh my God, you peeped!’ Hattie gave her arm a playful slap. ‘Bridie Morgan, you randy little pervert!’

  She shrugged. ‘Hey, don’t judge me. I haven’t had sex in ten months, remember? Besides, Cal got a flash of my bum yesterday so I’d say it’s a fair trade-off.’

  ‘OK, if you’ve been getting your sex-starved rocks off spying on my boyfriend in the buff then you definitely owe me secrets. Did you have feelings for Ben or not?’

  Bridie sighed. ‘Honestly? I don’t know. I was a kid, Hat; I’m not sure I’d have recognised them if I had. I guess… I felt like I did. You know, at the time.’

  ‘What happened the night he stood you up?’

  ‘You really want to know?’

  ‘Yeah, go on.’

  ‘We weren’t seeing each other,’ Bridie said, flushing. ‘Not officially anyway. He was essentially the same Ben then as he is now: flirting with every girl in our year, teasing me constantly. I didn’t mind his cockiness so much then. I actually thought it was kind of sexy, although I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell him that. It’s easy to be impressed by that level of confidence when you’re eighteen and shy as fuck.’

  ‘So how come you had a date if you weren’t seeing each other?’

  ‘We weren’t a couple but we did have a thing going on; sort of casua
l. I’d go round to his on Sundays and we’d have a bit of a grope while we watched TV together. Nothing heavier than third base – just to pass the time really. And then…’ She hesitated. ‘I mean, Ben had been with plenty of girls, even in those days. I thought if I was going to do it, I might as well do it with a mate. Someone with experience who’d know what he was doing.’

  ‘You mean…’

  ‘I asked if he’d go all the way with me. My first time. I really wanted to lose my virginity with someone I knew and trusted – someone I saw as a friend.’

  ‘What happened? Was it awful?’

  ‘I never got to find out,’ Bridie muttered. ‘We’d made a plan to do it after we’d been to the leavers’ ball together. I spent all the money I’d got saved from my Saturday job on some sexy pants from Ann Summers and a packet of condoms from the toilets at the Garter. And…’ She blinked. ‘And he never turned up. I guess he got a better offer.’

  ‘Aww. Poor little Bridie. That must’ve hurt.’ Hattie rubbed her hand. ‘Didn’t he ever tell you why?’

  ‘No. He never mentioned it again, and I was far too humiliated to ask him what the hell happened. Not long after that we both went off to uni, and since then we’ve been… well, like we are now.’ She smiled grimly. ‘It’s probably for the best I didn’t shag him. The last thing I want is to be just another lass round here who’s been to bed with Ben Kemp.’

  ‘It was a long time ago though.’

  ‘Yeah, and he hasn’t changed a bit, has he? He’s only been home a week and already it’s back to business as usual, picking up girls down the pub.’ Bridie shook her head, scowling. ‘God, that guy pisses me off. I just don’t understand why the women in this town let him get away with it.’

  ‘It’s always going to be easy for someone who looks like him.’

  ‘Huh. A few good, solid knock-backs could be the making of him, I reckon. It’s a shame everyone’s blinded by his stupid pretty face.’

  ‘Well, never mind Ben,’ Hattie said, squeezing her hand. ‘Maybe you’ll finally meet Mr Right at my party tonight, eh? I bet Fate’s been saving him for the last of the twenty dates. You know, for dramatic impact.’

  ‘With my luck, I doubt that very much.’ Bridie forced a smile. ‘Come on, time to get up. Birthday breakfast of Danish pastries and croissants at the caf, on me. Calories don’t exist on your birthday, it’s a well-known fact.’