Four years.
The money they’d taken from me had been more than enough to keep them off the radar. They were still out there; and despite the club’s best efforts, we were still no closer to finding them.
Our baby would’ve turned three in July, and I found myself wondering if he or she would’ve had Jamie’s blue eyes or my green ones. It was devastating, losing a child so early into a pregnancy. There was no casket or urn; no stone monument that proclaimed my baby’s existence to the world.
No one had even known I was pregnant and, given that most of the people in my life thought Jamie was dead, it wasn’t as if I could talk about it.
So, I buried the secret deep down, along with the memory of what happened that night. I wanted to forget and move on, but every year, on July fourteenth, I found myself thinking about what kind of person our baby could’ve been.
Had that night never happened; would things have turned out differently? Would Jamie still have chosen to walk away from the club for good as my belly swelled with his child?
The sadistic part of my brain often chimed in, wondering if he would’ve stayed had he known about the miscarriage.
It wasn’t fair.
Everyone had moved on, but me.
A chill ran the length of my spine, urging me to run and hide. Instead, I placed the cup on the drying rack and forced my hands back into the murky water to retrieve a plate.
They weren’t coming back; I knew that.
They’d gotten what they came for.
At the noise behind me, I let the plate slip from my hands and back into the water with a small shriek. My fingers closed around the only weapon I was going to find.
“Mama!” Kate stepped back with a cry of alarm, eyes welling up with tears. “It’s me! I just needed a drink!”
Suds dripped from the edge of the steak knife onto the floor, but I refused to let it go.
“Celia?” Molly wrapped an arm around my shoulders and led me away from the sink. “Your mama is just exhausted, Kate. We need to get her to bed.”
Kate nodded shakily, keeping an eye on me as she found and filled a glass with water. “Goodnight, Mama. Goodnight, Molly.”
Molly kissed the top of her head. “Goodnight, sweet girl.”
I released my death grip on the handle and placed it on the counter. Even knowing that I was safe, I made sure that it was still within reach.
“Are you still going to class?”
“Yeah. Every Tuesday night,” I answered distractedly, keeping the knife in my sights.
“You ready to earn your blue belt yet?” She pushed. “Little Ricky finally promoted to green. Bear said it won’t be long now before he can take him on.”
My fingers twitched, aching for a weapon. “Yeah. I’m going to test soon. Are he and Bear getting along any better?”
She shrugged. “Depends on the day. I thought telling him about his real dad was a good idea. That side of the family had been dying to meet him, and it seemed like he was mature enough to handle it. Instead, it just drove a wedge between the two people I care about the most.”
“He’ll come around. He just needs time.”
“And what about you? What do you need?”
Three men. Dead.
I smiled. “I’ve got everything I need right here with the girls. I’m fine.”
“Sure,” Molly snorted. “You just confused your fourteen-year-old for an intruder, but other than that, things couldn’t be better, right?”
I blinked slowly as the room came back into focus and the feelings of imminent danger dissipated. This one had lasted longer than usual. “Did you leave Little Ricky alone?”
Her eyebrows drew together, and she cocked her head to the side. “Remember? I told you he was staying with his abuelita, god help us all. The woman cannot say no to him.”
“Right. Sorry.”
“C’mon.” She took my hand and led me into the living room. “Sit. I wanna know how you are… really.”
“I told you, I’m fine—”
She mashed her lips together and shook her head. “I wouldn’t be. I’d either never get out of bed or spend all my time contemplating how to kill them. I just want you to know that it’s okay to not be okay.”
“It’s getting late.” I pushed her hand off my knee and stood up. “Dakota will be up at the crack of dawn.”
“I was thinking…” Molly gnawed at the corner of her lip. “It might be nice to have a sleepover… like old times. What do you think?”
A sleepover meant I wasn’t alone.
It also meant that I wouldn’t be able to stay up and check the locks on the windows and doors every hour without looking like a crazy person.
Wolverine may have had the bathroom window replaced and a high-tech security system installed, but I trusted my method.
Being alone in the house at night still made my skin crawl, but it was where the girls were most comfortable. So, I set aside my feelings and distracted myself with late-night talk shows and reruns.
“You don’t have to stay—”
“Please.” Molly’s eyes widened. “I miss my best friend. Even when I had to leave town, I always thought that I’d come back and we’d pick up where we left off, but you’re not the same girl you were before.”
I studied the clock on the mantel, letting myself get lost in the monotonous ticking. “And you think you’re the same girl you were in high school? The rebel? It’s easy to get hung up on how I’ve changed, but maybe look in the mirror.”
“We just want to help you, Celia. You say the word, and I’m there.”
It must’ve run in the family. If it wasn’t Lucy pushing me to find a therapist, I had Molly guilting me for not smiling as much as I used to.
“For the last time, I am fine. Now, if it’s okay with you, I need to shower.” I left her sitting on the couch and forced one foot to move in front of the other until I was standing in the master bathroom.
Goosebumps broke out across my skin as I pulled the blinds closed, raising the hair on my arms. I kept my eyes on the inside of the clawfoot tub. Once, I’d made the mistake of looking and had been convinced that my reflection was someone else looking in.
I turned on the taps to the shower, comforted by the grumbling sounds from the pipes. Maybe it was just as well that the house didn’t sell. My sanity seemed to rely heavily on routine.
My jeans were the first to go, followed by the oversized sweatshirt that fell to my knees. It was always the same. I’d strip down and stand in front of the mirror while the water heated, searching for marks that had long since faded.
Physically, I was completely healed. It didn’t matter. I still felt their hands and teeth on my skin. So I stood, night after night, searching for wounds that were invisible to anyone but me.
My fingers traced the brand on my hip, the nails slipping over the raised scars left by Cobra’s ring.
“Cry,” I taunted, as the woman in the mirror studied me with narrowed eyes. “Cry and get it over with.”
Instead of the sadness I’d been seeking for four years, rage bubbled up to the surface. I stared until the vision blurred and the woman in front of me no longer looked afraid; she looked haunting.
She was a specter; a war goddess, ready to take down any man who dared stand in her way.
Then, and only then, did the tightness in my throat subside, allowing me to breathe.
* * *
The cars in front of me moved at a snail’s pace through the school parking lot, much like how I imagined rush hour went in Los Angeles.
At this point, it would’ve been faster to have parked a few blocks away and jogged to the parent pick-up line.
I’d been late leaving the bakery and had gotten caught at every red light along the way. To make matters worse, the sky that had been threatening rain all day chose that moment to open up.
“C’mon,” I snapped at the dashboard in frustration. “Just get your kid and go. It’s not hard.”
Every day, th
ere were the parents who refused to park and instead used the drive-through lane as their own personal valet while they sherpa-ed their child into the school or hosted a mommy get-together on the sidewalk.
I checked the clock, knowing Dakota was going to be livid.
She’d finally found other fourth-graders who loved comics as much as she did, and today was their first official club meeting at the library. Given the way the line was moving, she was going to be very late.
I impatiently drummed my fingers against the steering wheel as the car in front of me shifted forward a mere three inches while halfheartedly singing along with the song on the radio.
A flash of a smile caught my attention and I jolted up in my seat, checking the rearview mirror. I knew that grin. I saw it in every one of my nightmares.
Manny.
I spotted the back of his dark gray hoodie, stopped just feet behind my car. I dropped the gearshift from park into reverse and was just letting off the brake when a small boy came bounding up to him.
The man draped an arm around the child, and they disappeared into a sea of umbrellas. The car behind me tapped their horn as the line began moving again, and I shifted into drive.
What was wrong with me?
I could’ve killed a random father in front of his kid, and everyone else’s because of his smile. Maybe Lucy and Molly had it right. I needed professional help.
There was just the minor issue of figuring out how to talk about what happened with a complete stranger when I hadn’t been able to discuss it with people I’d known for years.
Dakota spotted my car and took off toward me, the backpack on her head acting as a makeshift umbrella.
“Where have you been?” She exclaimed before climbing into the backseat. “Barry said four o’clock sharp. No late-comers.”
I turned the radio down before pulling out. “Well, it’s the public library. It’s not like they can keep you out. How was school?”
She dug around in her backpack before meeting my eyes in the rearview mirror. “Fine. We had to write a paper on where we’re going over Christmas break, so that sucked.”
“Dakota Mae, do not say that word,” I chastised before turning up the windshield wipers. The rain was coming down faster than the desert sand could absorb it, flooding the streets around us. If it kept up, I’d need a boat by the time Kate’s school let out.
“Sorry. It blew. Better?”
A large truck went flying past, sending a wall of water onto the car and obliterating my ability to see through the windshield. I ground my teeth together and increased the wiper speed again. “For the love of all the saints, Dakota. Can you not right now?”
“Fine,” she grumbled, pulling a comic from her backpack.
Except for the soft squeak from the windshield wipers moving over the glass, the remainder of the drive was silent.
We pulled up in front of the library, and I turned around with a wide grin. “Only five minutes late. If Barry has a problem with that, he can come visit with me.”
Dakota shook her head and opened the door. “You’re not even scary, Mama.”
“I could be—”
“No,” she insisted. “You cried that one time a mouse got caught in the mousetrap. Plus, you don’t even have any superpowers. You’re like a fairy princess.”
“Fairy princess? Couldn’t I at least be Thor’s sidekick?”
She closed her eyes and shook her head in disappointment before climbing out. “Thor doesn’t have a sidekick. Pick me up at five, okay?”
I gave her a thumbs up. “You got it, crazy.”
“Oh…I almost forgot. Your friend told me to give this to you.” She placed a large manila envelope in my hand. “He said it was important.”
“My friend?”
With a shrug, she slammed the door and leaped over a puddle before jogging up the steps into the library.
The rain pelted the roof of the car, and I shivered despite the warmth from the heater. Jamie’s warnings from over the years came rushing back, leaving me with a head full of worst-case scenarios.
Anthrax.
A bomb.
It wasn’t until I glanced up at the clock that I realized I’d spent the last ten minutes turning the envelope over in my hands while imagining all the ways in which it might kill me.
The sound of my nervous laughter was magnified in the silence. “You’re being ridiculous. Just open it.”
I pinched the metal prongs together and carefully lifted the flap before emptying the contents onto my lap.
A picture.
I studied it with a frown, wracking my brain for a memory that wasn’t there. Was it a middle school yearbook photo sent home for me to review? If so, why had they blown it up so big? And why had they given it to Dakota?
In it, Kate stood against the side of the school, hand shielding her face from the sun as she talked to a friend. I flipped it over and sucked in a startled breath, my chest heaving in panic.
Wonder if she’ll cry when I break her in…
Fear took over, and my foot slipped off the brake pedal. The car rolled forward several feet before I managed to regain control and shift it into park.
“No, no, no,” I growled, letting the picture fall to my lap. It hadn’t been a hallucination. Manny had been at the school; within arm’s reach of Dakota.
Images of them being forced to endure what I had flashed through my mind and my breaths turned shallow, leaving me clawing at my throat as I fought for air.
With clammy hands, I fumbled around for my cell phone, sending my purse and everything in it rolling across the floorboard in the process.
“Molly,” I whispered when she answered, instinctively flinching as someone slammed a car door nearby.
What if he’d followed me here?
“Celia, what’s wrong?”
Like a drowning victim breaking the surface, I sucked in a ragged breath while scanning the parking lot. “He was at the school! The library has Dakota, but Kate—I can’t leave her.”
“Can you give me just a second?” she asked someone in the background before coming back on. “Where are you? I’m coming. Take a deep breath in…”
“I’m at the library near Broadway,” I choked.
“In and out, nice and even,” Molly said, before laughing softly. “Jesus, I sound like a porno.”
I caught sight of my reflection in the rearview mirror while she attempted to keep me calm. My cheeks were flushed from the heat blasting through the vents, yet I continued to shake and tremble.
My desperate pants turned to wheezing, and I reached up to pinch my forearm, digging my fingernails into the sensitive flesh until I felt like I could take a full breath. It was going to leave bruises, but pain seemed to be the only thing that could bring me back to the present.
“Celia?”
I exhaled slowly; my limbs weak with exhaustion. “I’m here. I’m okay.”
“Good. I’m pulling up behind you.”
Seconds later, she was rapping at the passenger window before climbing in. She took in the items strewn across the floorboard. “Wow, I love what you’ve done with the place.”
Deciding that there was no sense in delaying the inevitable, I thrust the manila envelope into her hands. She studied it, looking about as confused as I imagined I had before flipping it over.
“Oh, dear god.” She turned to me with wide eyes. “Celia, we need to call the club—”
“No.” I shook my head. “Think about it, Molly. It’s been four years. Why now?” It was the one thing I kept coming back to. If they were going as far as threatening my daughters, they were doing it for a reason.
“You think they want a war?”
“They want Grey—it’s what they’ve always wanted. If I go to the club, then I’m playing right into their hands. We’ve got to be smarter.”
Raindrops that had gotten caught in her hair now ran down her face, and she distractedly reached up to brush them away as she asked, “Don’t you think that i
f Grey knew about this that he’d handle it? Bear, Torch... they’ll all back him. You can’t just let them get away with this.”
“I’m not letting them get away with anything.” I gnawed absently on a fingernail. “We’re going to kill them.”
Molly’s head jerked back, and she let out a rough bark of laughter. “Sorry, I could’ve sworn you just said we were going to kill someone.”
A plan had begun to take root in my mind, leaving me wondering why I hadn’t thought of it sooner. Not so long ago, she’d asked me what I needed.
Catharsis.
I needed to purge the anger I’d held onto for four years.
“What?” I asked coldly. “They came after my daughter to get to my husband. I’m not letting it happen. End of story.”
“Celia… after all this time, why are you still hellbent on protecting him? He knows these men—”
“Not like I do. If they’re willing to provoke him like this, then they must think they have an advantage. What happens when the club goes up against them and loses? Are you willing to kiss Bear goodbye, knowing it might be the last time you see him alive?”
Molly mashed her lips together with a quick shake of her head. “No, but I don’t see how you think two Ol’ Ladies are going to take down an army. If the club can’t kill those assholes, then how will we?”
I was tired of being weak.
A strange sense of calm settled over me. The night it happened, I’d put it all on Jamie to fight alone. Maybe that had been a mistake. I was just as much responsible for what happened as he was.
“They're counting on me alerting the club. They’ll be so focused on the men that they’ll never see us coming. I refuse to live the rest of my life in fear. What about you?”
She let her eyes move over the picture again before looking up at me. “I’m in.”
Taking them out would either fix what they’d broken in me or turn me into a monster.
I found that I was okay with either.
Chapter Nine
Celia: 2004
“You’re sure he’ll come back?” Molly asked through the speaker of my cell phone.
Protector: Silent Phoenix MC Series: Book Four Page 11
