He was momentarily taken aback by my words, but then he cupped my face in his hands and gazed into my eyes for a very long time, and as I gazed back, I swear that I could see eternity. Then gently, tenderly, he kissed away my tears one by one and then brought his mouth over mine, and his lips pressed against me with such ardor that I feared I would melt away before I could take another breath. But with this spark of new life he breathed into me I was suddenly emboldened and I flung my arms around his neck and returned his kiss again and again, and each time my lips found his, I felt a stirring in my soul, my womanhood emerging like the sunrise, brilliantly tracing its path across my life, branding me forever as a flesh and blood human being who needed only to love and be loved. All at once, I could see beyond the fears and apprehension that had blinded me for so long.
“You wanted me to be jealous of Sandra, didn’t you?” I asked breathlessly. “That’s what you wanted all along.”
He chuckled, breathless himself. “You know I did,” he whispered. “And just say the words I need to hear, and I’ll never see her again. I’ll never even mention her name.”
“What words should I say?” I asked, trembling in his arms, certain that I’d found my heaven.
“Say, ‘Adam, I belong to you and I will never leave you.’”
“Adam, I belong to you and I will never leave you,” I whispered. “And do you belong to me too?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“When we first embraced at the bottom of the peacock pool, all those years ago I was yours,” he whispered softly. “My beloved Ana.”
Ana sat at the keyboard and brought her hands to the keys. Her fingers pressed down hesitantly so that a couple of errant notes floated away like singular tears. Then she looked up to find Jessie standing in the doorway.
“Uncle Darwin left and there’s a nurse here to see Daddy,” she said. “And Benson’s waiting for you on the phone.”
Ana sighed and closed the keyboard cover. She walked across the room, slipped her arm through Jessie’s, and together they left the music room, closing the door behind them.
Sixteen
I SUPPOSE THAT I should’ve felt more conflicted than I did, and perhaps I would’ve if the circumstances had been different, if I thought that I could indulge in the luxury of time. Even so, when I looked in the mirror, I sometimes didn’t recognize myself, and at other times it seemed that I was able to see myself for the first time. But regardless of where I might be on this moral roller-coaster ride I had willingly embarked upon, I had to admit that we’d been growing into each other so gradually over the years that the next step felt completely natural for us. As one does when a plant gets too big for its container, we transplanted our relationship into fertile ground, where the roots began to spread and deepen instantly. And so it was that in the evening after we’d had our tea and it was time for bed, we now slept together in the same room, on the same bed, and in each other’s arms. And it is here that I discovered that a man’s sweet words and caresses could not only banish the harsh realities of life, but create a whole new reality I eagerly embraced.
The first time I lay with my beloved and felt his body wrap around and through me with such tender desire, I knew that I’d never be the same woman again. I was breathless with yearning as he caressed me in places that only God had seen, and when his lips, softer and more exquisite than a prayer, kissed my quivering soul, there was no one else in the universe but me and him. After we made love, I could gaze at him for an eternity as he slept next to me, and I was nothing more than a wisp of smoke curling blissfully up toward heaven.
“This is what men and women do together when they want to forget, mija.”
“If this is how it is to forget, Mama, then I never want to remember again.”
The only real difficulty I experienced during the first few days and weeks of our new life together was learning how to call my beloved by his first name and not “Mr. Trellis,” as I had for the last twenty years. I cringed a bit whenever I said, “Adam, would you like some tea?” or, “Adam, would you play for me?” And the truth is that the words “Mr. Trellis” had acquired a unique sweetness I didn’t want to relinquish.
We decided not tell people right away about us, or the fact that Adam was sick. We needed time to strengthen our hearts and our own understanding about how best to proceed. And naturally, we were most concerned with how to soften the blow for Teddy and Jessie.
Benson was the first person to hear the news about Adam’s illness and our relationship. I have no idea how Adam told him because he thought it was best to talk with his friend privately. An hour or so after Benson entered the study with Adam, he emerged with a dazed look in his eyes. He didn’t come into the kitchen as he normally would’ve, but sat in the front room with his chin resting on his chest for almost an hour as Adam sat next to him, also in silence. It was painful for us to see the shock and betrayal in Benson’s kindly eyes. He left without a word to me, and we didn’t see him for several days after that. Every time I suggested to Adam that we call him, he told me that we needed to respect his need to stay away for a while. Unlike me, Adam had no doubt that our friend would return.
Almost two weeks to the day after he and Adam spoke, Benson entered through the back door as usual and placed his briefcase on the kitchen table. I was rinsing the dishes in the sink.
“Would you like some coffee?” I asked.
“Only if it’s made,” he replied.
“It’s not, but it will just take a moment.”
“Don’t trouble yourself.”
“It’s no trouble,” I said.
As the coffeemaker dripped and sputtered, Benson tapped his fingers on his briefcase.
“I’m making chicken for dinner tonight. I hope you can stay,” I said.
His fingers stopped tapping, and when I turned to him, his mouth was turned down in an endearing frown. “I’d like to, but I feel like a third wheel now—round, ridiculous, and completely useless.”
“Benson, how can you say that when you know how dear you are to both of us? And Adam needs you now more than ever.”
“Of course he needs me,” he said, still frowning. “I’m handling his estate, and it would be a hassle for him to look for another attorney.”
“You know that isn’t the reason,” I said. “Adam has another appointment with the oncologist tomorrow, and it would do him such good to see you tonight. We’re both very worried.”
Benson shrugged. “I’ll make a bargain with you. I’ll stay for dinner as long as you promise to call me tomorrow and let me know what the doctor says. Adam doesn’t like talking about it.”
I promised that I would and proceeded to pour the coffee. Knowing that Benson was back in our lives made me feel more hopeful than I had in days.
Benson took up his coffee cup and then placed it back on the table. “Ana, I’m going to ask you this once and then I’ll never bring it up again,” he said, “but I want you to be completely honest with me.” I nodded and sat across from him. “Did I ever have a chance with you?”
I stirred my coffee as I searched for the right words. “Benson, I believe that God brought me here for many reasons. One is that Adam is the man I was meant to fall in love with and another is that you—you are the man I was meant to love as a brother. I’m very blessed to have you both in my life.”
Benson’s brooding expression eased somewhat. “A simple ‘No, Benson, you never had a chance in the world’ would’ve done.” Then he smiled. “But I guess I like the way you put it much better.”
The sublime joy Adam and I experienced in our new life together was overshadowed by the grim reality of his illness. I prayed as never before for a miracle to come upon us. When I accompanied him to the hospital for his treatments, I prayed. As I organized his medications in their little compartments, I prayed. And in the evening when he played the piano and I sat next to him, I prayed. But despite my prayers, my beloved weakened as our love and devotion for each other grew.
One
afternoon while sitting with him in Dr. Farrell’s office, I was so lost in my thoughts and prayers that I wasn’t paying much attention to what was being said. When my eyes refocused on Dr. Farrell’s face, he seemed less somber than usual. In fact, he was actually smiling and the tone of his voice was decidedly upbeat.
“That’s wonderful news,” Adam said. “Don’t you think so, Ana?”
“Yes,” I replied, embarrassed to admit that I hadn’t been listening.
Dr. Farrell said, “We’ll need to wait a bit longer to surgically remove the tumor, but if it continues shrinking as it has been, it might be sooner than we think.”
“And then he’ll be cured?” I asked, hoping that the miracle I’d been praying for had finally been delivered.
Dr. Farrell looked dubious, but he clearly wasn’t closed to the possibility. “It’s difficult to make any predictions at this stage,” he said. “But this is a very good sign.”
I left the clinic overjoyed by the news. As far as I was concerned, Adam was as good as cured and before long this nightmare would be behind us so that we could better face the challenges that still lay ahead.
“Your love has made all the difference,” he whispered that evening as we lay in each other’s arms. “I’d marry you tomorrow if I could, but Lillian’s making things very difficult at the moment. Even so, I want you to know that no matter what happens to me, you’ll be well taken care of.”
“Nothing’s going to happen to you,” I replied. “You’re going to be well again, and that’s all that matters.”
I placed my head on his chest and listened to the beating of his heart. It sounded strong and vibrant, a heart that would beat steadily for many years to come.
And then he sighed and I heard a whirlwind blowing through a canyon deep in his chest. “I should warn you that it’s just a matter of time before Lillian finds out about us, and when she does, things are going to get even more difficult,” he said.
“Ssh. Sleep now and don’t worry anymore,” I said, on the brink of sleep myself. And I heard my mother’s voice from that deep knowing in my heart. “Let’s imagine, mija,” she whispered. “Let’s imagine that we’re sleeping in a grand house with arched windows and tiled floors and that in the morning we’ll wake to the sound of guitars softly strumming.”
“It’s the piano you hear, Mama,” I whispered back. “And it’s even more beautiful than I imagined.”
A few days later we were awakened in the early morning hours by the sound of the front door opening and closing. My first thought was that Lillian had come home to confront us. Then we heard a rush of footsteps pounding up the stairs, and before we had the opportunity to react, Teddy burst in through the bedroom door expecting to find only his father. When he saw Adam and me in bed together, he froze and stared incredulously at us for what seemed like an eternity. For the first time since Adam and I had openly declared our love for each other, I felt shame flooding into my heart, and I brought the blankets up to my chin, too horrified to move or speak.
Teddy’s eyes became filled with disbelief and rage, and he began to shake his head as though beset by a sudden and severe headache.
“Son, we can explain,” Adam said, moving slowly to get out of bed.
He looked away as he muttered, “Peter told Mom you were sick, and I came as soon as I heard.”
“Please, Teddy, let us explain,” I replied weakly.
He took a step back. “You don’t have to explain. I understand everything now, the real reason our family fell apart. But you waited for the right moment, didn’t you? You waited until my father was sick and vulnerable to make your move.”
“That isn’t true, son,” Adam said, getting out of bed. “Let’s go downstairs and we’ll talk about this calmly.”
“No!” he yelled, taking another step back. “You’ve been cheating on Mom for years and that’s why she left you.”
“That’s a lie!” Adam countered more forcefully.
“What I see now isn’t a lie. God only knows how long you’ve been sneaking around together. Who knows, maybe you paid her a bit extra for her services…”
“I won’t allow you to disrespect this dear woman.”
“Dear woman? Are you such a fool that you can’t see the truth when it’s under your own nose, or in your own bed?” He glared at me hatefully for a long while before turning back to his father. “You’re not only a fool, you’re a liar, and I have no respect for you—for either of you.”
“You want to know the truth?” Adam said, his own face quivering with rage. “The marriage ended because your mother is and has always been an unfaithful woman. And you’re right, I was a fool. I was a fool to marry her and tolerate her as long as I did.”
“I don’t believe you,” Teddy said, his eyes narrowing to slits. “I don’t believe a word you’re saying. Mom isn’t like that. She was never like that.”
Adam took a step toward Teddy and held his hands out to him. “I didn’t want to believe it either, son, but as shameful and ugly as the truth can be, sometimes we have to accept it.”
Teddy glared at Adam for a moment or two. “And am I suppose to accept that you and Nana are sleeping in the same bed you shared with my mother for more than twenty years? I won’t accept it, not ever!” he yelled, his body trembling. “But here’s another shameful and ugly truth that you’d better accept—I don’t care if you drop dead tomorrow or next week, you’ll never see me again as long as you live.” He turned and ran down the stairs and out the front door as swiftly as he’d arrived, and the room and the entire house became eerily silent.
Adam stood motionless for a moment and then sank back down to the bed and put his head in his hands. “What have I done, Ana?” he muttered. “What have I done?” He crawled back under the covers and pulled them up over his head. There he stayed for the rest of the morning. In the afternoon I was able to persuade him to go downstairs and sit outside in the courtyard before dinner, but he ate very little and said even less.
I understood his despondency and was reminded of those times years ago when my village was nearly swept away by a flood. After the waters receded we’d gaze at the damage done in a state of hopeless stupor, not knowing where to begin. Every time I remembered Teddy’s accusation and the hatred in his eyes when he looked at me, I felt an ache I’d never felt before that started in my heart and spread throughout my entire body. This and the distance I felt from my beloved was almost intolerable. I wanted desperately to reach him and to bring him back to me, but I knew that I’d have to be patient. I could wait an eternity for him if I needed to.
The next few days that followed were similar. He got out of bed later and later every morning and he refused to play his music or visit the garden. He was slipping away from me, and only when I held him in my arms at night did I feel that he was near. He called Teddy countless times, but Teddy never returned his calls. He wrote notes and left messages, but Teddy never replied.
“I’ve lost him,” he said to me one afternoon when I was able to persuade him to sit with me in the garden. “I’ve lost my son.”
“You don’t know that, Adam. Maybe he just needs time.”
Adam sighed. “I shouldn’t have said those things about Lillian. As true as they are, I shouldn’t have said them. And I shouldn’t have waited so long to tell Teddy and Jessie about us. If I’d told them right away, then maybe I could’ve avoided this.”
I took Adam’s hand. “After Teddy stormed off, I wrote him and Jessie each a letter, explaining about us. It was the most difficult letter I’ve ever written in my life I…I didn’t know how much to include, but I felt that I had to let them know how I felt about you and the family and how much I love them,” I said. “Teddy’s letter was returned unopened yesterday, but I’m certain that Jessie read hers. Maybe you should call her.”
“Yes, I’ll call her,” Adam said. And that evening when he did, he was greatly relieved. Jessie was shaken, to be sure, but she didn’t completely accept Teddy’s view that her
father and I had been sneaking around for years. She’d read my letter and told her father that she wanted some time to think about things, and that when she was ready, she would come home and talk with us.
A few days later, I was in the front garden snipping the dead rose heads when Ms. Lillian’s car roared up the drive. She didn’t notice me crouched in the flower bed as she marched straight into the house, using her own key to let herself in.
Adam was in his study resting after his final round of chemotherapy, and I had no doubt that this was the first place Lillian would look. After a few minutes I went around back and walked softly across the courtyard so that I could be nearby in case Adam needed me. I heard Lillian screaming through the open window of the study. “You deserve to die a miserable death. After what you’ve done to me, I don’t pity you at all.”
“I didn’t think Teddy would waste any time telling you what he saw.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Adam. I don’t care who you choose to sleep with, but this house belongs to us. And don’t you dare pretend that you don’t know what I’m talking about because I just spoke with my attorney and he informed me that you recently made a rather significant change to the trust.”
He coughed. “You and the children will never want for anything. And as far as this house is concerned, it’s been in my family for generations, and I will give it to whomever I choose. Besides, I know that if you got your hands on this house, before they started digging my grave, you’d sell the land and then auction off the rest of it brick by brick to the highest bidder until there was nothing left. But I’m certain that Ana will honor my wishes to keep the house in the family.”
“We’ll see how Teddy and Jessie feel about this new development. It’s just one happy surprise after another, isn’t it?”
“It’s my place to speak with them.”
Vigil Page 29
