Half Boyfriend

by Judy Balan, Kishore Manohar

  When they woke up the next evening, Amar and Anthony found themselves in twin beds inside what seemed like a hospital room. Anthony’s right leg and left arm appeared to be beyond fractured given that they were bandaged and held from a sling and Amar seemed to be completely disfigured with maximum injury to one side of the face. There was no one else in the room but there were balloons and a Get Well Soon card placed below them. Amar tried to reach for the card but couldn’t.

  ‘Don’t bother, I already tried,’ said Anthony. ‘What kind of idiot brings balloons to injured people!’

  ‘God, everything hurts,’ Amar groaned. You never should have joked about taking Ro’s right leg. Now look what happened to yours!’

  ‘Shut up, Two Face. That’s not important. I don’t remember anything—how did we get here? Who brought us here? Did Ro and Rhea find out? Crap!’ Anthony frantically rang the bell to call for a nurse.

  A matriarchal figure entered the room. ‘Oh, it’s you two,’ she said disapprovingly. ‘You’re awake.’

  ‘Groundbreaking observation. You want a medal for that?’ said Anthony who wasn’t in the mood to entertain disapproval from strangers. It was the whole reason behind moving to Delhi and putting a 2000-kilometre distance between himself and his parents.

  ‘Uhh, can you tell us what happened?’ asked Amar before Anthony completely upset the nurse and left them unattended.

  ‘Before or after you two geniuses jumped from a mango tree into Miss Somany’s garden with your toy binoculars and walky-talkies hanging from your necks?’ The nurse was not impressed, that was clear.

  ‘Stay out of it,’ said Anthony in his best menacing voice but given that his mouth wasn’t spared, it came out as a lisp: ‘Sthay outhofith.’ And since it’s very hard to take a man with one leg in a sling saying ‘sthay outhofith’ seriously, the nurse continued, ‘They should have driven you straight to the police station and had you both locked up but they were too kind. In fact, Mr Wadia insisted on paying your medical bills as well.’

  ‘Mr Wadia? As in, the son of Nikhil Wadia? The hotelier?’ Amar swallowed. ‘Is that Ro’s last name?’

  ‘Rohan Wadia, yes,’ said the nurse. ‘He’s also paid for your psychotherapy.’

  ‘Our WHAT!’ That was the last straw for Anthony. ‘We don’t need psychotherapy. We’re fine.’

  ‘Says every man in saffron, jumping out of mango trees to prevent unmarried couples from kissing,’ said the nurse. ‘It’s either that or you will be talking to the cops. Miss Somany was kind enough not to press charges. Apparently, this kind of thing has happened before though not to this degree,’ she said.

  Amar and Anthony exchanged a look of quiet resignation. ‘Has anyone else been here to see us?’ asked Anthony. He couldn’t quite make sense of the part where Manav, the orchestrator of the crime, was missing from all this.

  ‘No. We’ve informed your parents. They’re on their way.’

  ‘You did WHAT!’ said Anthony. ‘I can’t have my parents find out that I …’

  ‘That you were no good at studies and now you’re no good at stalking beautiful young ladies too?’ said the nurse as she made her way out. She couldn’t wrap her head around Rhea’s decision to not press charges.

  ‘I have never so much as stared at a girl longer than three seconds and now I’m in therapy for stalking, my parents have been informed and I look like … this?’ Amar was in tears. ‘My parents have spent their whole lives’ savings on my education and my mom is a heart patient. They just might … might …’ Amar broke down.

  Anthony sighed deeply. ‘Dude, keep it together, will you? We need to figure a way out of this and we can’t if you’re going to be a cry baby.’

  ‘What do we do? They’ve already informed them,’ he sniffled.

  ‘We’ll see about that. But why hasn’t Manav come to see us yet? We wouldn’t even have been here had it not been for that asshole. And Akbar? Where are his loyalties? And now it looks like Ro is the real hero. He took us to the hospital, paid our bills and didn’t press charges despite the fact that we were stalking his girlfriend!’

  ‘Well, if Manav came to see us here, then Rhea would make the connection and all our efforts would go to waste. That must be what’s keeping him.’ Amar, as usual, was being way too considerate for someone in his position.

  ‘I don’t give a shit! Let her find out. He’s the reason we now have to go for therapy!’ Anthony found himself getting more infuriated by the minute.

  ‘Is therapy really the worst that’s happened to us?’ asked Amar suddenly realizing that he may never look the same again. But the thought of his parents finding out was far more unthinkable. ‘I’m just worried about my parents.’

  ‘Uhh, we’ll be locked in a room for hours and forced to talk about our feelings. What can possibly be worse than that? I swear, when we’re out of here, I’m going to make it my mission to see to it that that fake prince bastard pays for all of this.’

  Amar let out an exhausted sigh as he drifted into another pain-killer induced sleep. ‘Yeah, whatever, just make sure my parents don’t find out.’

  5

  Short Version: The girl’s friends find the hero dodgy but that only makes it easier for him to win her heart. Or her sympathy. Which, to our hero, is the same thing.

  By Thursday, everyone at college was discussing The Curious Case of The Saffron Stalkers—thanks to Kiran, who was looking for an opportunity to illustrate her point to Rhea and these buffoons had fallen right into it.

  ‘I don’t see how this has anything to do with me teaching English to poor Manav,’ Rhea began another day arguing with Kiran.

  ‘They are his bitches! Have you not noticed this? For all you know, they were probably out there doing his highness’ bidding!’ Kiran was in disbelief. She couldn’t have orchestrated a more convincing situation herself and yet here she was again, trying to get Rhea to see the light.

  ‘You’re paranoid!’ Rhea grumbled. ‘I am very grateful that you’re concerned but I need some space, okay? I’ve just had it up to my neck with everyone trying to protect me. I can take care of myself.’

  ‘Fine,’ said Kiran passive-aggressively.

  ‘And besides, had you seen what happened, you would have felt sorry for those guys. They were clearly misguided. I mean, they were carrying pretend binoculars and walky-talkies for God’s sake! Just imagine the kind of backgrounds they must come from or what their childhood must have been like. Ro is paying for their therapy.’

  ‘Oh, I know they’re absolute morons. That doesn’t make them any less shady,’ said Kiran. ‘But of course, you know what you’re doing.’

  ‘Oh, don’t be like that,’ said Rhea. ‘I’m just saying they are not any danger to me.’

  ‘You don’t know that. But I can tell you for a fact that stalking isn’t the ideal beginning of anything except a psycho thriller.’ And with that Kiran marched away having made her point but Rhea was still sure she wanted to go ahead with the English tuition. It wasn’t like her to break a promise and she was sure Manav had nothing to do with the incident, let alone be the one driving it. And the fact that Kiran had expressed her disapproval only made her want to do it all the more. Being the girl who had everything came with a flipside, apparently—everyone assuming they knew what was best for her. But Rhea was about to change that. And fulfil the ancient prophecy of the family astrologer.

  It was five minutes to four and Manav was a bundle of nerves. A part of him hoped she wouldn’t turn up because of Mission Find-out-what-‘the thing with Ro’-means going around and everyone at college talking about it. What was he going to say to her? He had never really befriended a woman before. His mother had been everything to him. But again, if his mother was anything to go by, this girl was going to fall instantly and irrevocably in love with him. Thank God he didn’t have to worry about making an impression. He just had to play the loser card well and that would be his one-way ticket to her heart. Luckily for Manav, anyone who tried to pretend to be
a loser automatically became one.

  He found himself a corner table at the cafeteria and suddenly it seemed like the entire college had congregated there to see if she’d turn up. Manav’s eyes darted across the room nervously. This was humiliating. What if she stood him up? He was going to become the college laughing stock. How could he—The Prince—also be an actual Real Loser? How was he going to be able to hold these two conflicting realities in his head! The musical clock in the cafeteria struck four, drawing everyone’s attention to him. Now it was obvious they were here just for this moment. He could have sworn some of them were even betting on it. He opened a textbook and pretended to read but every second that ticked by without Rhea turning up, made him want to pack his bags and head straight to his little village.

  ‘Be reasonable, Manav,’ the universe said. ‘It’s only been twenty-three seconds past four. Maybe her watch is set a few minutes behind.’

  ‘Maybe,’ he said and kept his head buried in the book.

  The cafeteria door swung open, making every head turn in that direction. Manav looked up expectantly but it was a geeky unsuspecting first-year student who was probably the only one in there to actually get food but then all the attention scared him away.

  Thirteen minutes later, Manav was ready to leave. Did she have any idea whom she had kept waiting? The people in his village had to wait for months to get an audience with The Prince, if at all they got one. He quietly packed his books and got up from his seat as the sniggers grew louder and louder.

  ‘Hey! Sorry, I’m late!’ came that much-awaited lilting voice and Rhea dashing through the back door. ‘You’re going to have to get used to that, I’m afraid,’ she smiled apologetically.

  The sniggers had melted into gasps and Rhea had finally noticed that they had an audience.

  ‘What are you morons gawking at?’ she called out to the sniggering bullies. Wow, she didn’t seem so demure right now and boy, did he feel that much more hornier for it. ‘Come on, Manav, let’s go somewhere more … asshole proof, what say?’ And with that, she led the way, holding his hand while the entire college watched in disbelief. It was the Indian version of the tall, blonde basketball player kissing the awkward, bespectacled nerd before the entire high school.

  ‘Hello? We are go to Principal Office?’ Manav panicked but in semi-rehearsed bad English. He should have known this was too good to be true.

  ‘Yes. But that’s cool because the Principal happens to love me and he knows we’re here to help you with your English so he said we could use his room because he won’t be using it at this time. And that, my friend, is an asshole-proof room.’

  Manav grinned stupidly. ‘I don’t know how to thank you.’

  ‘You just did,’ Rhea said as they made themselves comfortable inside the Principal’s Office. ‘Besides, I’d do whatever it takes to piss those jerks off, don’t you worry,’ she smiled her million megawatt smile and Manav wished he could be frozen in this moment in time forever. ‘So. Shall we begin?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said softly, breaking into a smile. She had no idea what she was beginning.

  6

  Short Version: Amar’s and Anthony’s parents land up at the hospital but the hero saves the day by using his royal charm (and ancestral wealth). Now even our heroine is impressed. Two birds, one stone, was always his style.

  Manav was making progress with Rhea but not quite at the pace he had hoped. He wasn’t accustomed to waiting around for people to reciprocate and this whole courtship-by-manipulation process was beyond frustrating. He needed a shortcut. As if on cue, the phone rang.

  ‘Maaaa!’ Manav had goose bumps. His mother always seemed to intuitively know when he needed her the most.

  Sensing the urgency in his tone however, the evil queen decided to change the agenda of the call. ‘Are you okay, son? I felt like you needed me.’

  That was all the nudging Manav needed to blurt out every detail of his confusing time in Delhi—the ludicrous urban life, women’s clothing, rampant promiscuity and this curious idea of getting a woman’s consent and winning her affections before taking her to one’s chambers. He told her all about Rhea—her weaknesses and how he had positioned himself as The Loser in her life in order to have a legitimate reason to see her every day. But getting her to fall in love with him? He had no idea how to do that.

  ‘You are The Prince. You just have to get her to see that,’ the evil queen said. ‘If you can convince her that you are the loser you’re not, surely you can get her to see the prince that you are.’

  ‘How?’ Manav was desperate. From what he could tell, people here didn’t seem to understand royals at all. How could she possibly be enamoured by something she doesn’t understand?

  ‘By being a champion!’ the evil queen said, quickly switching to a Hindi movie style dialogue. ‘To get her to talk to you, you may have had to be a zero, but if she is to fall in love with you, you have to show her that you’re a hero.’

  ‘Yes, but heroes save people. From what I can see, Rhea is the last person who needs saving. Everyone in her life is out to protect her!’

  ‘What did you say was her weakness?’ asked the evil queen, upset that her pep talk had gone unnoticed.

  ‘Saving lost causes,’ said Manav. ‘She can’t resist doing good even to the people who mean her harm. Not that there is anyone like that …’ Manav trailed off, suddenly reminded of his sidekicks’ recent run-in with her.

  ‘Well then, go pick a lost cause and save him even to the point of ignoring her. That’s how …’ the evil queen was interrupted.

  ‘Maa …’ said Manav.

  ‘… you’re going to get her attention,’ the evil queen completed her sentence.

  ‘Ma, I know exactly what I have to do!’ Manav had tears of gratitude in his eyes. ‘Thank you, Ma. I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

  ‘Stop talking and go be a hero,’ said the evil queen affectionately. She didn’t know what she’d do if he stopped saying things like this to her just because some random woman was coming into his life. Of course there was no way she was going to let that happen. She just needed Manav to believe she wanted him to have this Rhea as much as he wanted her. Perhaps, she’d let him have her and then squash her like a worm. Or she could taunt her tirelessly till she gave up the idea of being with Manav. It’s what the mother-in-law was doing in the current season of her favourite soap. So many options, so little time. She’d just have to get to the details later.

  Manav practised his hero-running-out-of-time face before heading to the cafeteria at four to tell Rhea that he had to cancel English class. If his instincts were right, she’d stop him to find out more and insist on joining him.

  ‘Wait, what happened? Is everything okay? Where are you going?’ And there it was.

  ‘You’re not going to be liking this but it’s about my friends—Amar and Anthony,’ he said in a hurry, careful to speak in the continuous tense like he always did. ‘I know they are stalking you or whatever but they are my friends and I know them. They are good guys. And they are in trouble. Amar’s mother is suffering from heart disease and his parents have used their whole lives’ savings on his college fee and Anthony’s parents will stop paying for his college if they find out about this.’ He started to run, not waiting for her reaction.

  ‘Wait!’ said Rhea three seconds later. ‘I’m coming with you!’

  Manav smiled to himself. Perhaps he was better at the courtship thing than he had given himself credit for.

  When they entered the hospital, Manav spotted two couples who looked like parents of college kids talking to a nurse at the corner. She seemed to be gesticulating violently, giving them a graphic account of what had happened. This couldn’t be good.

  ‘Wait here,’ Manav instructed Rhea as he took deliberate strides towards the group. Again, you could have heard the background score had you listened closely.

  ‘What are you going to tell them? I’ll come with you!’ Rhea interrupted his hero moment.


  ‘No, Rhea,’ said Manav in a deep, low voice. ‘This is something I must do alone.’

  Rhea nodded in understanding, stood back and watched as Manav went over to the parents and not only convinced them that their sons had ended up in hospital because they were trying to save his life but also generously offered to pay for their college as well as Amar’s mother’s medical bills. Oh, the perks of being a prince—one could always count on spontaneous generosity to get out of sticky situations. The nurse who insisted on telling the parents the truth and bringing the insolent boys to justice, dragged Rhea into the conversation.

  ‘I don’t know who he is but he has not been here to visit your sons and what he’s telling you is not true. Look! This is the girl your sons were stalking,’ she said. ‘Tell them!’ she urged Rhea.

  Rhea took one look at Manav and knew exactly what she was supposed to do. ‘It was all a misunderstanding,’ she said. ‘See, they were just trying to save Manav from falling but since they happened to fall into my garden, we thought it was stalking. But Manav is my friend. I can vouch for him. He’s telling the truth.’ Rhea smiled her hypnotic smile and the nurse immediately forgot why she had been so angry.

  The grateful parents melted into tears as if on cue, hugged and thanked Manav for his generosity. They then announced the news to their beloved sons who were more than happy to hero-worship him all over again. Akbar stood in the corner of the room wishing he had thrown himself from the tree as well. He had no idea that it would have led to his college fees and his parents’ medical bills being covered.

  ‘You are our hero,’ Amar’s mother said and Manav looked at Rhea from the corner of his eye. She was swelling with pride. This was it. He had just made her fall in love with him.

  7

  Short Version: The girl develops a genuine liking for the hero and acknowledges him publicly as her friend despite everyone’s disapproval. But he wants more. So she tricks him with a made-up relationship status.