Half Boyfriend

by Judy Balan, Kishore Manohar

  ‘Come back to bed,’ he said trying to make his best ‘come hither’ face.

  ‘What for?’ Her back was turned to him so she missed the face, fortunately.

  ‘Well …’

  ‘When are we headed back home?’ Rhea asked as she sleepily groped around the kitchen looking for coffee. That’s when she heard a man screaming. It was Amar and the last thing he had expected to find in his kitchen this morning was a hot woman with no pants on. Still, he needn’t have screamed.

  ‘Crap, sorry,’ Rhea said, not entirely apologetic. She wasn’t rushing to get into a pair of pants either. What did a woman have to do to get some coffee around here?

  ‘Sorry, sorry,’ Manav rushed to the scene, Rhea’s pants in hand. No one was in more of a hurry for her to get into them than him. Rhea of course was oblivious. She was still moving around the kitchen like a caffeine-starved zombie. ‘Rhea! The pants!’ Manav tried whispering. By now, he looked more like a parent chasing a toddler who had decided to go commando for the day.

  ‘So I reckon the reunion went well,’ Amar smiled. ‘Wait, let me get you guys some coffee.’

  ‘Finally!’ Rhea thought getting into the mood for a conversation. ‘Uhh, yes. Sorry, I didn’t realize we were in your apartment.’ She realized she had been very rude and now that the coffee was coming, she could work up the energy for niceties. She plonked herself on one of the barstools at the kitchen table making her t-shirt go up even higher.

  ‘Rhea! Your panties are showing!’ Manav whispered still holding out the pants. He couldn’t get how these two people could continue having a conversation knowing full well that one of them didn’t have her pants on.

  ‘God,’ Rhea snapped, grabbing the pants from Manav and getting into them.

  ‘Well, it’s clear who doesn’t wear the pants in this relationship,’ Amar winked and the two laughed. Manav didn’t get the joke. This was the basic dynamic of their relationship and he was alright with it. As long as she was his. Legally. That’s all that mattered.

  ‘Morning guyyyyys,’ Archu joined them in the kitchen. She didn’t have her pants on either.

  ‘What is wrong with the women these days,’ thought Manav. ‘And why wasn’t Amar freaking out like a real man?’

  ‘So tell me all! I want to know all about the reunion’ Archu sounded like a morning person. ‘Either that or she had actually woken up to a guy not creepily staring at her while she slept,’ thought Rhea darkly.

  ‘Well …’ Rhea trailed off. ‘Where to begin?’

  ‘So, what plans now? How long are you staying here?’ Amar wanted to know. Now that Rhea was here, Manav might actually be fun, he reckoned.

  ‘Oh, we’d stay but his highness has a kingdom to get back to and I have to go pretend to do whatever it is that princesses do in Manav’s world,’ Rhea said and Amar and Archu exchanged a knowing look. They knew a bad match when they saw one and by the looks of it, these two were headed to couple’s therapy even before the wedding.

  ‘Exactly,’ said Manav brightly, pulling Rhea close to him.

  ‘How blissful to miss the sarcasm every single time,’ Rhea thought to herself. Maybe this could be a workable relationship after all.

  There was something ominous about the call Rhea kept getting from the unknown number throughout the day and she wasn’t sure why. It’s just that no one had her number except Olek and they had already said their tearful goodbyes. She checked again to see if Manav was asleep and decided to answer the call.

  ‘I heard you’re coming back,’ said a familiar, very displeased voice at the other end. It was the queen! She had meant to call her herself but it was difficult with Manav refusing to let her out of his sight.

  ‘I’ve been meaning to call you!’ Rhea whispered. ‘But your son hasn’t made it easy for me, you know.’

  ‘He tells me you’re getting married,’ said the queen who just wanted to cut to the meat of the story.

  ‘Yes. I mean, no. Well, yes,’ Rhea said articulately.

  The queen kept silent. That meant she was slowly progressing from raving mad to batshit crazy.

  ‘I can explain everything,’ Rhea said. ‘But he’s not letting me out of his sight. I need you to trust me.’

  ‘Well, you’re not getting anywhere near my throne or my son, I hope that’s clear,’ said the queen.

  ‘Well, throne, I don’t care for. Son, might be a little too late but if you’d hear me out, I believe I might have a plan that’s a win-win.’

  ‘I’m listening …’

  ‘I don’t want to be queen. Or your son’s wife. But we both know he’s not going to leave me alone. And I could use another fake marriage at the moment.’

  ‘Is that all?’ said the queen who was more than familiar with negotiations of this nature. ‘There is nothing you want in exchange?’

  ‘I want my freedom,’ said Rhea. ‘I will be his wife only on paper. I will continue living my single life and you have got to have my back on that. Otherwise, the deal is off the table.’

  ‘Hmm,’ the queen smiled. A half daughter-in-law. Her son would be happy and she’d forever have her throne. And her son’s heart. She liked the thought. And the girl. She never thought she’d feel this way but she couldn’t have picked a better match for her son herself. Rhea Somany was beautiful and devious and most of all, she was a woman who knew exactly what she wanted—she was so many, indeed.

  ‘Alright, we’re on,’ said the queen. ‘Provided you make sure he never finds out about this.’

  ‘But of course,’ said Rhea smug, as she hung up, deleted the number from her records and slid back into bed careful not to wake Manav up. It was going to be life as usual. The half relationship arrangement she had made up spontaneously in college was probably the best idea she had ever had. Look how much more it had inspired!

  Manav opened his eyes and tried not to stir as he watched the girl sleeping by his side. ‘I want my freedom,’ ‘I will be his wife only on paper,’ ‘Otherwise the deal is off the table …’ He replayed Rhea’s words in his head over and over. He had woken up only towards the end of that conversation but as it turned out, it was a key part of the conversation. ‘Welcome back, Mrs Smith,’ he thought to himself as he smiled in the dark. He hadn’t expected Rhea to go back to being the good Indian wife the minute he found her but it was a surprise that she was scheming the very next day. But the burning question was—who was she scheming with? Who was this mystery person with whom she was making a deal behind his back? Who could be powerful enough to protect her from someone of his standing? Well, at least he knew there was never going to be a dull moment with this woman around.

  He turned over and put his arm around Rhea who was still awake. ‘I will always find you,’ he said as if in his sleep.

  Rhea’s eyes opened at that. All she heard was the Halloween font again. Had he heard her conversation with the queen? He couldn’t have, she had checked. He was fast asleep. And yet, it was just like Manav to play this game. She closed her eyes and decided to go back to sleep. There’d be plenty more opportunities to undo each other.

  Epilogue

  Short Version: In which you realize we could have told you the whole story with just the chapter heads and you now hate yourself for reading the whole book. Also, there is no need for this epilogue but you will read it anyway because you’re masochistic like that.

  Three years later.

  ‘Welcome, welcome!’ Manav greeted D-Bag as he entered his school for the very first time. He had promised to show up the next time he was in town and meet his wife for real one day.

  ‘Rhea, meet D-Bag sir,’ Manav introduced the two.

  ‘Please, don’t call me sir,’ said D-Bag modestly as he took a good long look at the muse he had never met in person. She really was pretty—the tiny feminine wrists, the fair flawless skin and of course, the browgasm! He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight.

  ‘Hello,’ said Rhea unenthusiastically. This was the guy who had made a bestseller ou
t of the distorted version of their non-love story. She wanted to pick him up and slam dunk him into the trash can but she exercised restraint. She’d just have to find her own way to get back at him for the huge injustice he had done her and by extension, women in general, in his book. There were a disturbing number of Manavs on the loose in this country and it was all this D-Bag’s fault. She was going to make him pay. She wasn’t sure how just yet but if there was anything she was good at, it was finding a way.

  ‘There is something off about this girl,’ thought D-Bag as if reading her mind. For starters, she wasn’t greeting him with half the enthusiasm he had expected. Plus, she seemed smart. A touch too smart for Manav. And just the idea of that was too offensive for D-Bag. He liked his heroines smart but they were usually smart only because he said so. There was never any real proof of their smartness in the books. But this one—she seemed like the real deal and it intimidated him. He’d have to go back and rewrite all his books. Luckily for him, his train of thought was interrupted by a chubby little boy with curly hair running gleefully towards Manav and Rhea.

  ‘Manav picked him up and threw him in the air as Rhea watched on fondly,’ D-Bag wrote the opening line of the sequel in his head.

  ‘D-Bag, sir, meet my son, Rheman,’ Manav said every bit like a proud father who had named his son after a hashtag.

  ‘Wait a minute,’ said D-Bag with the same curious expression that every person had when they set eyes on the child. ‘He bears an uncanny resemblance to…’

  ‘Michael Jordan? Ben Johnson? Mohammad Ali?’ Rhea blubbered nervously.

  ‘No…’ said D-Bag but he had noted the mild panic in Rhea’s tone. As a writer, it was the one thing he did right when observing people. ‘He looks like the American President.’

  Rhea let out a nervous giggle but it sent a chill up Manav’s spine. No one had actually said this out loud so far because as he just realized, Rhea and his mother had always distracted the person with references to other men. But hearing it from D-Bag just reminded him of his own thoughts upon setting his eyes on his son. The little bastard actually looked like Ozone! He almost even blurted it out aloud. There was no way Rhea could find out about Ozone and the part he had played in their story. Even if it meant never getting to the bottom of this mystery. Surely there was no way Rhea could have… he couldn’t complete the sentence even in his head.

  ‘Right, that’s what my daughter-in-law was doing in America,’ the queen chimed in just in time. And suddenly, it was funny again. Manav couldn’t believe he had even suspected anything for a second. How ridiculous was the idea that his wife might have had anything to do with the bodyguard double of the President of the United States!

  Rhea and the queen seemed to be having a conversation with their eyes only. Rhea seemed to say ‘Thank you’ and the queen went on to say ‘I’ll always have your back.’ Any stranger could have told you it was a special bond but it took D-Bag to dissect the meaning of the looks and arrive at the conclusion that the queen and the wife were conspiring against Manav. Deeply troubled, he looked at Manav playing obliviously with his little boy. Should he share his suspicions with him and ruin his happily ever after? After all, he had written him his revenge fantasy. Wasn’t he now as author of his non-love story, allowed to ruin the ending? Questions, questions. Maybe not. Maybe he’ll just save it for another bestseller.

  ‘That was close,’ Rhea sighed after D-Bag had left.

  ‘Indeed it was,’ said the queen. ‘You realize that this is going to keep happening, right?’

  ‘Yes,’ Rhea nodded. ‘What do I do? Give up? Never take him to the US?’

  ‘You do nothing,’ said the queen. ‘You go about life as usual.’

  Rhea took that advice because three months later, she was in the US again with Manav and Rheman, buying equipment for the brand new basketball court at the school. Rhea was used to the curious glances from strangers when she was out with Rheman and she had expected it to be a lot worse in the US but when a mysterious meme involving her child’s resemblance to a certain world leader (with pictures) had leaked out on the Internet and quickly gone viral, Rhea decided it was probably time to return home and wait for it to blow over before she ever ventured outside with little Rheman again.

  ‘Please don’t be in the news, don’t be in the news,’ Rhea prayed in her head as she turned on the news channel but it was too late—the pictures were right there! Pictures of her holding her son.

  ‘This can’t be happening,’ thought Rhea closing her eyes tightly. The astrologer had prophesied that her luck would run out the day she let Manav into her life but that he could only be her undoing till she married him. She had done that. She had offered up a remedy as they called it. Now she just wanted her old life again. She wanted to go back to being the girl to whom nothing bad ever happened.

  She opened her eyes. They were no longer in the news. As it turned out, the world was about to comment on the oddity that was her son but got distracted by an upheaval in northern Africa requiring direct intervention of the United States. Life moved on.

  About the Author

  Judy Balan is the author of Two Fates: The Story of My Divorce which was a runaway bestseller and three other books that you’ve probably not heard of. This book is her half attempt at fixing this situation.

  Kishore Manohar is a brand experience consultant who makes a living out of ‘improving’ things. His writing has thus far been limited to FB status updates and the extremely occasional article. This book is his half attempt to become famous using Judy Balan and He Who Cannot Be Named.