The Secret Women

by Sheila Williams

  Dedication

  For Dorothy Turner Johnson

  1915–2015

  Epigraph

  In almost all of us, there is the secret woman who does not appear for her friends and acquaintances, perhaps not even for the man she marries.

  —from The Secret Woman, Victoria Holt (1970)

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  Part 1

  Chapter 1: Elise

  Chapter 2: Elise

  Chapter 3: Carmen

  Chapter 4: Dee Dee

  Chapter 5: Carmen

  Part 2

  Chapter 6: Carmen

  Chapter 7: Carmen

  Chapter 8: Carmen

  Chapter 9: Joan

  Chapter 10: Joan

  Chapter 11: Joan

  Chapter 12: Joan

  Chapter 13: Joan

  Chapter 14: Joan

  Chapter 15: Joan

  Chapter 16: Carmen

  Chapter 17: Carmen

  Chapter 18: Elise

  Chapter 19: Carmen

  Chapter 20: Dee Dee

  Chapter 21: Carmen

  Part 3

  Chapter 22: Elise

  Chapter 23: Elise

  Chapter 24: Elise

  Chapter 25: Elise

  Chapter 26: Elise

  Chapter 27: Carmen

  Chapter 28: Joan and Carmen

  Chapter 29: Joan

  Chapter 30: Carmen

  Chapter 31: Elise

  Part 4

  Chapter 32: Dee Dee

  Chapter 33: Dee Dee

  Chapter 34: Dee Dee

  Chapter 35: Laura

  Chapter 36: Dee Dee and Laura

  Chapter 37: Laura

  Chapter 38: Laura

  Chapter 39: Dee Dee

  Chapter 40: Elise

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Also by Sheila Williams

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Part 1

  Chapter 1

  Elise

  I am not feelin’ Namaste today, Elise Armstrong said to herself as she struggled through her Monday evening yoga class.

  It wasn’t as if she was stressed out or in a bad mood. On a normal Monday, Elise looked forward to the class. She enjoyed yoga, appreciating the discipline of it and the flexibility the practice brought to her body. Yoga had strengthened her posture and toned her arms and legs. And it worked better than a pill for the back and shoulder pain she’d had lately, probably from sitting too long hunched over her computer. It was a part of Elise’s beauty regimen. But tonight? It seemed that all the star signs, chakras, and incense from Sergeant Jasmine, the instructor, had aligned to create a perfect storm of I-just-don’t-feel-like-this syndrome. Yet she couldn’t explain why.

  All the meditation she’d done over the years had flown out the window. Elise had taken off her watch, and Sergeant Jasmine didn’t believe in clocks, so she had no idea what time it was or how close it was to the end of the ninety-minute class. Considering it was the first yoga class she’d attended in almost two months, one would think she’d be more . . . mindful. Instead, she was un-mindful. And starving. I’m thinking tacos, guacamole, and a margarita . . . then a hot bath and a couple of Tylenol, not necessarily in that order. By the time the class reached its fifteenth downward-facing dog, Elise’s thoughts had wandered from Mexican to Thai cuisine. Yep. That’s it. Pad Thai, a couple of fresh spring rolls . . . She worked it all out as she set up for her headstand. It would be the perfect evening. Her son, Wade, had headed back to Chicago, his weekend visit over. Tonight it would be just her with a bubble bath accompanied by vanilla-sandalwood candles and the new Esperanza Spalding CD, followed by the mystery she’d picked up by that new Scandinavian writer what’s-his-name. And . . . oh yes, that thick manila envelope from the lawyer.

  “Class, remember, don’t let monkey mind distract you from your purpose as you prepare.” Jasmine’s voice had cut through Elise’s reverie like an F5 tornado. And was it just her imagination or was Jasmine making a comment about her? Elise stole a peek at the teacher. Jasmine’s eyes quickly moved in another direction.

  “Puff out your kidneys and tuck in your tailbone!”

  Are you kidding me? Puff out your kidneys? How the hell do you do that?

  “Spine straight!” The yoga teacher was standing two mats away. She tapped one woman on the back. “Tailbone!” Jasmine’s freight-train voice was earsplitting against the muted sitar music playing serenely in the background. “Focus! Concentrate!”

  Elise took a slow, deep breath, tucked her tailbone, adjusted her shoulders, and concentrated: on a small white dish of green curry chicken, plated with slices of lime on the side. That worked until the image of a plate of overstuffed tacos dripping with super-spicy salsa replaced it. That was all it took. Her arms began to quiver. Her shoulders buckled. Disaster was then inevitable. Her legs swayed, and down she went.

  “Daammnn!”

  She caught herself just before a complete bone-breaking collapse on her mat.

  The woman on her left chuckled, and her headstand evaporated too. Unfortunately, she bumped her funny bone on the way down.

  “Ouch!”

  “Shit!”

  Headstands across the studio fell like dominos.

  Jasmine was not pleased.

  “Ujjayi breathing, class.” The instructor frowned in Elise’s direction. “No negative energy. Let’s regroup.”

  Elise was tempted to stick out her tongue.

  “Ohhh . . . let’s not and say we did,” said the woman on the purple mat.

  “I’ve got some negative energy for you.” This loudly whispered comment emanated from the woman two mats down from Elise, now seated and rubbing her knee, a sour expression on her face.

  Elise suppressed a giggle.

  “Well, shit and double damn!” the woman added.

  To Elise’s right, a woman Sergeant Jasmine had called Deanna unfolded from her headstand and crumpled into a heap of giggles.

  “My feelings exactly,” the woman on the purple mat said, her low voice shaded by suppressed amusement.

  Soon afterward, Jasmine concluded the session with “Namaste, class.” She bowed, her hands clasped together. She was frowning at Elise as she rose.

  “Namaste,” the class responded in unison.

  “Whatever,” Elise murmured. She limped over to the cubbyholes to collect her things and put on her shoes.

  The woman called Deanna plopped down on the floor beside her and laced up her sneakers. “Thanks for that,” she said to Elise, grinning. “That’s the most fun I’ve had in a headstand pose since I came here!”

  “Me too,” came a voice from behind them. The woman from the purple mat grabbed a gym bag from one of the cubbyholes. “Most of the time, I look forward to class. It helps me reduce my stress.” She rummaged around in the bag for a moment, then pulled out a towel and draped it around her neck. “But I have to tell you,” she said with a sigh, “I just was not feeling it tonight.”

  The two women laughed and introduced themselves as they dressed. They were relative newcomers to the class, having joined only a few months before Elise’s brief absence.

  “Deanna Davis, but call me Dee Dee—everyone else does.” Dee Dee’s wide smile lit up her face. She was tall and slim with an elegant neck and smooth features that reminded Elise of a fashion model. She moved with the confidence of an athlete, and Elise wondered if she was a runner.

  “Carmen Bradshaw,” said the woman from the purple mat, extending her hand first to Elise, then to Dee Dee. Carmen’s almond-shaped hazel eyes sparkled with mischief. “I just love it that you curs
ed in class. Sometimes I think our esteemed leader is a bit of a tight ass.” Carmen’s cheeks brightened as she laughed, soft peach against her light caramel skin sprinkled with freckles. Her light brown hair, a profusion of corkscrew curls, was corralled with an animal-print scrunchy. “She gets just a little bit too serious for a Monday night.”

  “Amen to that,” Elise said, fumbling around in the bottom of her purse to find her keys. Her fingertips brushed against a cool, smooth surface. “Got ’em!” she said and added, “I’m Elise Armstrong.” And then she thought with amazement how she had taken this class for over two years and had shared floor space with a revolving group of twelve to twenty people, including these two women, and this was one of the few times she’d actually held a conversation with her classmates beyond the perfunctory “Hi, how are you doing?” Why was that? All that focus on tadasana feet, puffed out kidneys, and downward-facing canines, then out the door to rush off to their respective busy lives and no time out for the real Namaste moments. Life went too fast to throw those things away.

  “You haven’t been in class in a while,” said Dee Dee, shrugging a sweater over her toned shoulders.

  “Uh-huh. We’ve missed you,” Carmen observed, hunched over a tote bag the size of Vermont. “You know you’re the role model for the class, right? We spend half the class trying to figure out what the hell Sergeant J is saying and the other half copying you. Not successfully, by the way.” She sighed.

  Elise stared. “What?”

  Dee Dee chuckled. “I can run a marathon, but I have all the subtlety of Shrek when it comes to yoga. And then I’m so tall!” Her voice held a slight whine, leftover perhaps from the days when she was a kid and towered over everyone else. “I look like an inebriated female Goliath stumbling after David!”

  Flattered, Elise shook her head. It had never occurred to her that anyone was watching. Now she felt self-conscious. “All I can say is, if I can do these poses, anyone can. And that’s the truth.”

  “Well, it’s good to see you back and to meet you, officially, at last,” Carmen said. “I thought you’d dropped out. Did you pull a muscle or something? Or maybe . . .”

  Elise had quickly returned her attention to her bag. Now, where is that lip gloss? It wasn’t lost; she knew exactly where it was: in the first place she’d looked. Over the past few months she’d become an expert at dodging or, if cornered, answering questions like Carmen’s.

  “Just . . . taking care of some work issues.” The image of the manila envelope popped into her head again. This time she banished it, like she briefly had banished the image of a small bowl of pad Thai with three spring rolls, and she switched the conversational gears. “You know what? I’m starving. I barely ate lunch today, and I have a craving for overstuffed tacos, salsa, and a salty margarita. What do you say?”

  “Are you talking about the place on the next block?” Carmen asked. “I’ve been there. Their fajitas are to die for. Count me in.”

  “Hold on a minute.” Dee Dee’s thumbs flew across the surface of her mobile. “Just texting Satan’s spawns.”

  “Satan’s . . .”

  “My daughters. They’re going through puberty. Both of them.”

  Elise winced, remembering the days when she wondered if she or her sons—now grown—would survive their teens. “You have my sympathy.”

  With a flourish, Dee Dee tapped the SEND key. “There. Car pool activated. Okay. I thought I heard something about food. Like red meat, tequila, guacamole, none of which are on my North Beach diet.”

  Carmen grinned. “There is no North Beach diet.”

  Dee Dee clapped her palms together. “Perfect.”

  Now it was Elise’s turn to smile.

  * * *

  Margaret Rita’s—the restaurant was named after Chef Francisco’s grandmother—specialized in an excess of everything bad for you: loud music, oversalted house-made tortilla chips, chunky guacamole, strong margaritas, and noise, lots and lots of noise. The mariachi band CD was playing so loudly that Elise was shouting just so Carmen and Dee Dee could hear—and they were sitting less than two feet away. Between the eye-watering hot salsa, the coarse salt, and the yelling, her throat was getting sore. But she was having fun, a rare treat for her these days. Elise ran her finger along the ridge of her glass and licked off the salt. Mmmm . . .

  “I said,” Carmen shouted, “how long have you taken yoga? You move so effortlessly. I’m jealous.”

  “Me too!” yelled Dee Dee, leaning over the table in the booth. “I’ll be a hundred years old before I figure out pigeon pose.”

  “It’s nice of you to say that. It just takes practice. I know, that’s boring,” Elise yelled back. “I took yoga for the first time years ago, before the boys were born. Some woman had a TV show on PBS. Then Alexander came along, then Wade, and suddenly”—she snapped her fingers—“I was too busy to take anything except the bus to work. I started again a few years ago to increase my flexibility and build strength—I didn’t want to be a brittle old woman. It is challenging, but really, if I can do it, you all can.”

  The booming mariachi music morphed into a ballad at a lower volume.

  Carmen sighed as she scooped up a dollop of shredded chicken with her fingers. “Yeah, it only takes concentration, which is the one thing I don’t have. I’m too ADHD. And meditation baffles me. My mind flies off in a million directions.”

  Dee Dee nodded in agreement as she swallowed, then licked salt from her upper lip. “Me too, plus with the kids, the job, there’s no time to be peaceful, mindful, or any of the other ‘fuls’ that bag of bones nags us about.”

  “I think Jasmine’s full of shit,” Carmen murmured.

  The other women laughed.

  “Don’t worry,” Elise commented. “Children do grow up, much faster than you think. How many do you have, Dee Dee?”

  “Just the two girls, and that’s enough. Phoebe and Frances, twelve and fifteen going on twenty-five and thirty!”

  “I have nieces about that age,” Carmen chimed in. “Lord, they’re a handful. They stay with me for long weekends sometimes, in the summer. They run me here and there—buy me this, buy me that. I’m ready to crawl into bed for a week by the time they go home!”

  “No kids of your own?” Elise asked.

  Carmen shook her head. “Nope. Career woman. No kids, one ex-husband, just a few African violets and an aloe plant. It’s hard to kill an aloe plant.” She dunked a chip into the salsa and scooped up enough of the chunky treat to fill a small coffee cup. “Good thing you don’t have to water them very often.”

  Elise settled back in her seat in the booth, glad to feel the cushion against her spine. A little soreness was there, and her shoulders felt tired. A hot bath was just what she needed. Dee Dee and Carmen continued their conversation about children, careers, and corporate politics, and for a moment, Elise’s mind flitted off to other branches of thought, then wandered back in time.

  God, that balancing act! Career, children, husband, home, the mantra that you couldn’t do it all or have it all. And yet she had. Somehow. But perhaps the mantra should have been expanded: you can have it all at the same time just as long as you don’t expect to remember it! Her past lives were a blur: teaching, her master’s, more teaching, consulting, marriage—thirty-plus years—kids, school football games, college trips, divorce, then a book, then travel, and Daddy’s illness, and the images slammed into each other and became one multilayered collage of color, texture, sound, and light. A few moments stood out. For many years there just hadn’t been enough money and Elise’s throat would close with angst whenever she wrote a check. Her father’s stroke had been a family challenge and painful. Daddy always had been so vibrant, so much in control of himself. She’d tried to be there for the family, for her mother, but Lord, it was hard. Most of the time she didn’t think she had the strength.

  “Elise dear, you can get through this. You can get through anything,” her mother had told her. “You’re stronger than you know.”
/>
  Her mother.

  “. . . so I said to him, ‘Look, it’s been nice but the smell of eggs in the morning turns my stomach, and the only thing I want to grab that early is . . .’ Elise? Are you all right?”

  She hadn’t even realized she was crying until Carmen’s words cut through the renewed mariachi, the yelling, and the clinking of dishes that had numbed her eardrums. Her brain had stopped functioning when the word “mother” had entered her consciousness. Her vision blurred, and she wiped away the tears with the back of her hand, then reached for a napkin. A large packet of tissues swam into view.

  “Here! You can’t wipe your eyes with that! It has salsa on it.” It was Dee Dee’s voice, firm and businesslike. “Take these!”

  Elise sniffed. “Thanks.”

  Carmen’s hazel eyes bored into hers. “What’s wrong? What is it?”

  She wanted to answer, but nothing coherent came out as the words disintegrated into fragments like the pasta letters in alphabet soup. But one image came in strong and clear, and it bludgeoned her. Her mother, Marie, stretched out on the hospital bed, wearing a necklace of tubes, her eyes closed, and her face waxlike.

  “I-I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be . . . a downer.” The yoga teacher’s words broke through her thoughts: “Ujjayi breathing, class.” She inhaled. “My mother died ten months ago. And I . . . still feel as if it was yesterday. I . . . I didn’t mean to blank out like that.” She sniffed and then sighed. “Or send everybody into depression. I seem to do that a lot these days.”

  For a moment, all three of the women were silent and the lively music had the floor to itself.

  “I know how you feel,” Carmen said, studying the dregs of her Corona as she rotated the beer bottle slowly on the table. “You feel as if someone took your liver out using a sharp rock and no anesthetic.”

  “Or like you’ve been sideswiped by a Metro bus, T-boned by a semi, and run over by a freight train.” Dee Dee’s eyes were moist. “Twice.”

  Elise stared first at Dee Dee and then at Carmen.

  Carmen extended her hand across the table. “Hello, I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Carmen Bradshaw. My mother, Joan Bradshaw, died last year as well. And I still wake up in tears thinking about her.”