A Life Without Water

by Marci Bolden

  She stretched and showered before making her way back to the motorhome. Back to John.

  He smiled from the swing that had been built into the lot provided by the park. She was reminded of their first stop in Texas, when he’d admired the stars while she resented his very existence.

  Dropping her bag, she sat next to him. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For everything. For making our marriage more difficult than it had to be. For leaving without telling you. For blaming you for every moment of misery I’ve ever had in my life. I’m sorry. For everything.”

  Putting his arm around her, he curled his fingers into her damp hair and pulled her head closer. He kissed her temple. “I’m sorry too, kiddo.” They sat quietly for a few minutes before he spoke again. “I don’t know what that was about earlier. I’m not sure where that episode came from. Guess I’m getting worse, huh?”

  She nodded.

  “It’s true, though, isn’t it? You were planning to leave me for someone else.”

  She debated how to answer. “No. I did have an affair. It was brief, but intense. He was a doctor. He bought a house for us. He told me I could quit work and go back to school full-time and be there for Katie. He said he’d support us and take care of us. He offered everything I had ever wanted on a big ol’ silver platter. But I loved you, John. No matter how miserable we made each other, I loved you so much and every time I found a reason to leave you, I found a bigger reason to stay.” She focused on the ring on her hand—the one Tobias had put there. “I don’t think I was running from you when I left. I think I was running from myself. From my own guilt and shame. I think all this hatred I’ve aimed at you all these years is a reflection of how I feel about myself. Things didn’t have to be the way they were.”

  “I was a high-functioning alcoholic, Caroline. You couldn’t have changed that.”

  “No. However, I could have helped you get treatment. I could have fought for us. I didn’t have to be as angry and selfish as I was.”

  He put his hand on hers, stopping her from fiddling with her ring. “We were kids.”

  “How long are you going to tell yourself that?”

  “Probably just for the next few weeks or so.”

  She lifted her eyes to his, instantly horrified, but then he flashed her a grin and she chuckled. “You’re awful.”

  “I know. I don’t want to live the rest of my life rehashing our mistakes.”

  “Isn’t that why you sought me out? You wanted to put this to rest, right?”

  “For my own peace of mind, not to hurt you more than I have already.”

  “I hurt you, too,” she admitted. “I’ve felt guilty about that for too long. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, John. I’m tired of feeling like my heart and soul are being torn apart. I need it to stop.”

  “We both made mistakes. We were young and inexperienced at life. We aren’t those people anymore. We wouldn’t make those mistakes again. We grew. We learned. That’s what life is about. Let go of the guilt and the blame and accept that you’re better now.”

  Staring up at the sky, she considered the mistakes she’d made. “As soon as our divorce was final, I did everything in my power to erase you from my memory. Tobias and I were together for over a year before I even told him about you and Katie. He understood. He said he couldn’t imagine how difficult it must have been to go through what I had. I told him how horrible you were, how much Katie and I had suffered at your hands. Never once did I tell him that I’d been so cold to you that I gave myself frostbite sometimes. I never told him I’d had an affair. I never told him how hard you tried to make me happy.” She swallowed when her voice cracked. “I made you out to be a monster to justify my actions. You weren’t a monster. You were a drunk. You were irresponsible. But you loved us, and you never meant to hurt Katie.” She squeezed his hand. “Even though it was an accident, I had to blame you because I felt guilty about everything else.”

  He hugged her closer. “Let it go. None of that matters now.”

  “Doesn’t it?”

  “No, it really doesn’t. What matters is the here and now. I’m dying, Caroline. We’re out of time. The only thing that matters is what we do before I’m gone. We have to make peace now so we can say goodbye to our daughter. The past is the past. This, right now, this is what matters. This is what Katie would have wanted. I forgive you,” he said. “For whatever mistakes you made. I forgive you. It would mean a lot if you could forgive me.”

  She swallowed. “I…I’m working on it.”

  The silence between them was heavy for a moment, but then he chuckled. “Fair enough.”

  Eleven

  “Easy,” Carol warned as John stumbled down the RV steps. Grabbing his shoulder, she did her best to stabilize him as he took the last, longer step to the ground. Slipping under his arm, she supported him as they walked to the rock wall that separated tourists from the never-ending drop that overlooked one of the many views Yellowstone had to offer. He pulled Carol closer as they stared out at the valley. Though it wasn’t John’s first or second choice, the spot was perfect.

  Initially, he had wanted to release Katie’s ashes at the Grand Prismatic Spring, but Carol convinced him he’d never make the walk. Though the trail was a somewhat level and well-kept boardwalk, the distance was more than he could handle. His second choice was Old Faithful. He said they could let her go as the geyser was gushing. Carol had shaken her head before he even finished making the suggestion. He still would have had to walk from the parking lot, through the museum, and out to the geyser. She didn’t think he could make it, and she couldn’t carry him that far.

  He was disappointed, but hadn’t put up too much of a fight, which she thought said more about his waning condition than his obvious fatigue and thinning face. Instead, she’d started driving and pulled off at a random spot. As with any stop in Yellowstone, the sights before them were breathtaking.

  A waterfall in the distance had cut through a mountain, making the earth dip down to a valley below. Evergreens shot up, reaching for the sky on either side of the river. The distant water rushing over rocks had a quiet but distinct sound. The moment was one of the most peaceful that she’d had since starting their trip.

  “Look at that.” His voice filled with the awe that only witnessing a miracle of nature could bring. “Isn’t that amazing?”

  “It is.”

  “This is perfect. She’d love this.”

  Taking his arm from around her, John pulled the little container from his pocket and worked to remove the lid, giving Katie some of the facts he’d researched about Yellowstone. Serenity washed over Carol as the ash scattered on the breeze and disappeared. This was the first time she’d watched the ashes leave that she hadn’t felt some sense of failure as a mother. This was the first time the ashes didn’t carry some of her guilt along with them.

  She was at peace here. She was calm. She wasn’t thinking in the back of her mind how she wouldn’t be standing there if John hadn’t been such a worthless drunk. She wasn’t blaming him. She was simply here, in the moment, coming to terms with the loss of her daughter.

  She jolted when a flock of birds left the trees below. She watched them rise up to the sky, flapping desperately as they took flight.

  “There she is,” John whispered. “She’s right there. With the birds.”

  Carol felt it, too. Something was different this time. Something in her heart and her mind and her soul felt lighter as they let Katie go. She sensed her daughter there, smiling down on them. The birds seemed to be a sign that Katie acknowledged the harmony between them. The flock was her way of thanking her parents for letting go of the anger and blame they’d been clinging to.

  They stood in silence, watching the birds rise to the sky.

  Caroline spread a blanket out next to one of the fishing ponds at Possum Creek Metropark. The park was where she and John had spent their first date. No matter how bad things got between them, an afternoo
n spent by the pond seemed to soothe their wounds. The nostalgia of the scene reminded her why she’d fallen in love with John in the first place. Being here made her feel like they were a family.

  She leaned back on her elbows, watching John walk Katie to the edge of the water. Finally, Caroline thought, those red boots were being put to use as they were intended—keeping Katie’s feet dry as the water lapped against them. They kneeled down, observing something. Katie’s curiosity never ended. That had been a blessing Caroline hadn’t expected when she’d had her. John had no interest in the world around him or learning about how things worked. At least not until Katie got old enough to ask about everything.

  “How do clocks work, Daddy?”

  “Why do dogs bark, Mama?”

  “Daddy, what kind of clouds are those?”

  She wanted to know everything. She wanted to absorb and understand everything. That had ignited a need in John to know and understand, too. He’d spent an hour the night before studying the different kinds of fish in the pond so he would be able to tell Katie all about them no matter what kind she caught.

  He didn’t like not being able to tell her about things. More so, he didn’t like that Caroline usually knew the answer without researching it. The perks of being a lifelong nerd.

  Stretching out, Caroline let the sun soak into her skin as John taught Katie how to bait a hook. Her daughter giggled, squealed, giggled again, and Caroline couldn’t help but smile. John had offered to buy a pole for her, but she wanted to watch. She preferred to stand back and observe life. She liked to let these moments scorch her mind where she could keep them forever. Harmony was getting harder to find in the Bowman household, but this day, this moment, was one she simply wanted to let in.

  When they finished fishing and were ready for the picnic lunch, John helped Katie wash her hands while Caroline unpacked the cooler.

  “Where’s my beer?” John asked, peering in while Caroline unwrapped a sandwich.

  “No beer today, John. Not today.” She glanced up to see a spark of anger light his eye, but he looked at Katie as he grabbed a bottle of water instead.

  Caroline felt his rage. She sensed his anger, but she ignored it. She bit into her lunch and listened to Katie ramble about fishing and how she thought Daddy was the best fisher in the whole world. As the afternoon wrapped up, all three of them stretched on the blanket to watch the clouds rolling in.

  Katie thought all of them looked like teddy bears. Caroline didn’t see what her daughter did, but she agreed. She was happy to let Katie perceive the world however she wanted.

  When it was time to call it a day, a strange sense of sadness washed over Caroline. Somehow, she felt that they’d never have a day like this again. As John and Katie talked about bugs, Caroline followed behind, once again observing every moment between father and daughter. Their bond was strong. Stronger than Caroline could have ever dreamed of having with her father.

  Katie loved her daddy, and John loved his little girl.

  Though Caroline had struggled with her decision to end her affair with Simon, she knew in that moment she’d made the right one. Katie needed John in her life. And he needed her.

  “You okay?” John asked as he started the ignition.

  Caroline peeked back at Katie, who was too busy looking at the rocks she’d collected to be paying attention to her parents. With a full heart, she took John’s hand. “Yeah. You?”

  “I’m good. I’m real good.” His smile faded a little as sincerity touched his eyes. “We’re going to be better now. I promise. We’re going to have more days like today.”

  Again, she sensed that they wouldn’t, but she didn’t voice her concern. “I hope so.”

  She’d been right. They’d never visited the pond again. They’d never spent another day fishing and looking at clouds. They’d never been a family again like they had that day.

  Katie was gone before they ever had a chance.

  “We have to talk about something,” Carol said as she slid John’s dinner onto the table.

  “Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound good.”

  She didn’t fix a plate for herself. Instead she sat across from him, twisting the ring on her finger. “It’s time to head home, John.”

  He stopped lifting his fork halfway to his mouth. “We have more stops to make.”

  “This is getting to be too much for me,” she explained as gently as she could. “You’re starting to struggle with mobility. You’re too heavy for me to lift. If you fall—”

  “I know.”

  Astonished at how easily he’d given in, she sat back in her seat. Giving in without a fight wasn’t like him at all. Of course, if the dark circles shading his eyes were any indication, he was too exhausted to resist. His spirits had been lighter after spreading Katie’s ashes in Yellowstone, but that hadn’t lasted long. His illness was starting to take a visible toll on him. Every day he seemed weaker, more easily fatigued. Neither of them could deny his declining health if they’d wanted to.

  Easing his fork down, John sat back as well. “I don’t want to burden you more than I have, but we have more stops. I already looked into options. We can stop in Cody and get me a wheelchair.”

  She lifted her brows.

  “Yes, I know,” he said with flat sarcasm. “I’ve been a pain in the ass for so long, you weren’t expecting me to be reasonable in the last weeks of my life.”

  “Something like that.”

  “If we get a wheelchair, I can get around. If I can get around, we can finish the trip. We gotta finish the trip, Caroline. There are more places Katie wanted to see.”

  Caroline read the last three stops on the list that was now stuck to the RV fridge with a magnetized photo of Carol and Tobias at a St. Louis Cardinals game. “We’re getting close, aren’t we?”

  “Next stop, Devil’s Tower.”

  “Okay, let’s agree right now we aren’t even attempting to go up the trails there.”

  He started to laugh, but the sound cut short as he panted a few breaths. “I think you underestimate your own strength. Surely you can push me.”

  “Oh, I’ll push you, all right. Right off a cliff.”

  They grinned at each other, and he reached for his fork. She didn’t miss that he struggled a few times before wrapping his hand around the handle like a young child would do. His fine motor skills were fading.

  The fact that he’d started wearing sweatpants and T-shirts every day should have been a clue that he could no longer work with buttons, but she hadn’t thought much of it. She was in more of a yoga pants and T-shirt mode herself. Extensive travel tended to do that to a person’s wardrobe. Jeans weren’t exactly comfortable when she was sitting in the driver’s seat for several hours at a time.

  But now that she was really paying attention, the signs were clear. His health had started a steady downhill slide. The emotion of her observation took hold and broke the heart that was starting to mend.

  “Caroline?”

  She had to blink several times to clear her head and focus on him. “Hmm?”

  “You okay?”

  She had to clear her throat before speaking. “Yeah.”

  His shoulders sagged a bit, as if some of his energy had suddenly been drained. “Don’t lie. We’re beyond lying to each other. What’s wrong?”

  “Your motor skills are going. That’s…not good, John.”

  He turned his attention to his hold on the fork. “No. I guess not.”

  “I can’t do anything for you other than make what time is left as good as I can.”

  He stared at his hand for another few seconds before looking at her. “Well. Seeing as every meal I eat could literally be my last, maybe we could have a little less grilled fish and steamed veggies and little more fried chicken and stuffed-crust pizza?”

  She considered his suggestion for a moment before shaking her head. “Dead men may not have to count calories, but living women in their fifties certainly do.”

  She smiled as he rol
led his head back and laughed.

  Carol gave the woman at the medical supply store a sympathetic look. The cozy store sat off the main street that went through the town. She’d been hoping they could get back on the road quickly. Unfortunately, John’s surliness was putting an end to that dream. He was all but pouting and throwing a fit. Sure, the woman was likely used to grumpy clientele, but Carol still felt bad that John continually dismissed her instructions.

  “My wife is a nurse. She can help me.” He’d said that three times.

  Not wanting to irritate him more than he already was, Carol didn’t correct him on their marital status or her vocation. Arguing moot points seemed counterproductive at the moment. However, when he swatted at the woman who kneeled beside him to show him how the wheelchair brake worked, Carol stepped in.

  Putting her hand on his shoulder, she waited for him to look up at her. “It’s her job to show you how to do this.”

  “You can help me. You’re a nurse.”

  “I can and I will, but let her do her job.”

  He stared at her for a few seconds before easing back and returning his attention to the woman beside him. She went through her routine of showing him the various parts and how to use them. He was as patient as Carol suspected he could be, which wasn’t much. Eventually, he rolled his face up at her and scowled. “You could have shown me that.”

  “Just stay here,” she said, following the woman to the counter. “I’m sorry. His illness makes him irritable.”

  “I’m used to it. Which hospital do you work at?” she asked, making small talk as she rang up Carol’s purchases.

  “Um… We’re from Texas.” That was easier than delving into the long story of how she’d ended up at a medical supply store with her ex-husband in Cody, Wyoming.