While My Heart Beats

by Erin McKenzie

  Ellie squeezed her hand, not knowing what to say. Her mother came back from speaking to the maid and sat with them in silence. The tea arrived in short order, and Ellie poured them all a cup. Aunt Evelyn took a sip or two, then set her cup down hard, a sob escaping her throat.

  “Reverend Williams came by yesterday about a service for the boys,” she said, her voice shaking, “but I don’t know if I can manage it. They’ve buried my babies in some godforsaken place, and we don’t even know where. This awful war took their lives, and now they can’t even rest on home soil. How can their souls ever find peace in a place of such violence and misery?”

  As tears streamed down Ellie’s face, she heard a strangled cry. Uncle Rupert stood and flung his pipe away, looking wild-eyed at his wife. “Don’t you say such things, Evie. Our sons are in heaven, and their souls are free. It has to be so. I can’t bear to think of anything else.” He stood, trembling, then lurched out of the room.

  “Oh God,” Aunt Evelyn said, and she ran after her husband.

  Ellie looked at her mother, shocked at what she’d just heard. “Is it true, Mother? Our dead soldiers aren’t sent home to their families, but just buried where they’ve fallen?” She’d been quite young when her grandmother died, but she knew there had been graveside services. The family had at least been able to say their good-byes.

  Mother sniffed. “Yes, it’s true, and it’s all just too much to contemplate. Try not to think of it, Eleanor.” She stood then, her face tearstained and weary. “I’m going to bed.”

  Ellie sat there for a long time after, reflecting on the reality of war. In her ignorance, she hadn’t thought about the logistical impossibility of sending such vast numbers of casualties home for burial. Her thoughts turned to Charlie and Will, their bright lights snuffed out, and their parents unable even to lay flowers upon their graves. Her chest ached with the sheer unfairness of it all.

  * * *

  Ellie sent word to the Browning residence the next morning, informing Anna that she was up from Surrey. Now, on the third day of her trip, she had come together with her friend for a much-needed visit. Anna’s black and white spaniel ran ahead as she and Ellie strolled arm in arm around the grounds of the manor house. The air was cool but the sunshine warm, releasing the heady fragrance of ripe fruit from the orchards. A nearby farmer’s sheep were little white puffs against the distant hills, and Uncle Rupert’s horses grazed contentedly in the pasture.

  “I think Mother Nature gave us such a glorious day to lighten our moods. Is it wrong of me to enjoy it?” Ellie said.

  “Not at all. Perhaps the lesson is never to take a single thing for granted. Thank you for this, Ellie,” Anna said, squeezing her arm. “I simply couldn’t bear any more sympathetic looks, and if one more person asks me how I’m feeling, I may scream.”

  Ellie completely understood. In recent days she’d witnessed how people’s well-meaning reactions to grief could be stifling. “I think you’re doing quite well, considering. Your strength is remarkable.” Anna and Charlie had been childhood sweethearts and very much in love. Ellie doubted she would be as resilient in her shoes.

  “Thank you. I don’t feel very strong sometimes—I’ve cried enough for a lifetime, believe me. But Charlie was always so cheerful, it seems wrong of me to languish in my sadness. I feel as if I must enjoy life for the both of us.” She wiped away a tear and smiled.

  Ellie put an arm around Anna’s shoulders. “What do you say we go into the village today? I’m sure we could find something to occupy ourselves for a while.”

  Anna brightened. “What a splendid idea—do you think your uncle would let us take the car? I’ve learned to drive, you know.”

  “You haven’t,” Ellie exclaimed, envious. “Your father allowed it?”

  “He gave in to my incessant badgering, more like. I can be very persuasive when I want something.”

  “Will you teach me?” Ellie asked. The idea of coming and going as she pleased was thrilling.

  “Of course. Mother and I came in the carriage today—she thinks motor cars are terrifying. But I could pick you up tomorrow for a lesson.”

  Ellie felt giddy with excitement. “Let’s not ask Uncle Rupert today, then. We’ll go off on our own adventure tomorrow.”

  The next morning, much to her mother’s disapproval, Ellie hopped into Anna’s two-seater Ford and they set off for the village. It was another beautiful day, with only a few clouds scudding across the sky. The views of the moors were magnificent, and Ellie felt lighter than she had in quite some time. As they entered the village, she took in the sights. A half dozen rowdy schoolboys were kicking a makeshift football in the street, dodging traffic and the cuffs of irritated adults. Some folks walked about, shopping or doing the day’s business, but a growing crowd of women had clustered near the post office.

  “What do you think is happening there?” she asked Anna.

  “I thought it was maybe a suffragist gathering, but that hasn’t been happening much since the war began,” Anna replied, pulling off to the side of the street.

  “Have you attended any of those?” Though Ellie discussed the cause of women’s suffrage with her friends and read about it in the papers, she hadn’t heard any speeches in person.

  “Oh yes,” Anna said. “I heard Emmeline Pankhurst speak in Manchester before the war.”

  “A friend of mine mentioned that just this week. How was it?”

  “It was all very dramatic, what with people shouting and cheering. Imagine having the right to vote! Of course, the male establishment is fighting back, but still, it’s exciting to think about what could happen in the future.”

  Ellie thought about what Rose Talbot had said. “The war has made me believe that anything is possible. Look at all those women stepping right in to take over the men’s jobs. It’s quite inspiring, don’t you think?”

  Anna turned to Ellie suddenly and grasped her hand. “Don’t you wish there was something we could do, too? With Charlie gone, I can’t stand the thought of just sitting around while more and more of our soldiers die. But I can’t very well march off to the factories—my father would disown me.”

  “I know what you mean, but we’ve never had a job before. Who would want us?” A cheer rose up from the group of women on the street, and Ellie’s curiosity overcame her. “Let’s go see what they’re so happy about.”

  As they neared the crowd, one voice rose above the rest. Ellie caught a glimpse of a woman in a blue and white uniform standing on an overturned crate. “Help is urgently needed, ladies,” she intoned. “The Red Cross is in dire need of strong, courageous women to volunteer as cooks, cleaning maids, clerks, drivers, and of course, nursing members. This is the ultimate act of charity we can offer for Britain and her soldiers. I urge you to sign up today.”

  Excited chatter erupted around them as Ellie looked at Anna. Then Anna, wide-eyed, nodded and, with a resolute smile, pulled her forward. Ellie knew what she was thinking and her pulse quickened—they had just heard a call they were compelled to answer.

  Chapter Three

  “You did what?”

  Ellie could tell Mother was beside herself—her face looked strained, as if her corset was much too tight. She added this to the long list of ways she’d disappointed her mother, who had hoped, in vain, for a demure and compliant daughter.

  “Mother, this is a wonderful opportunity to help. Thousands of women are signing up with the Voluntary Aid Detachments.” Her stomach was in knots, but she held her voice steady.

  “Thousands of crazy women, you mean. Why in the world would you want to go to a foreign country, during a war, and be exposed to God knows what?” Mother began to pace the sitting room. “And how will you ever land a suitable husband if you’re flitting about overseas, cleaning?”

  “I will be training for basic nursing care, not working as a scullery maid. And besides, Mother, if we don’t help out where we can, there won’t be any men left to marry.” Ellie didn’t say that getting married was
far from her goal in life—she had to spare her poor mother any more stress at the moment.

  “Well, that’s just ridiculous,” Mother sputtered. “The war is bound to be over soon.”

  “That’s what we thought a year ago, and many tens of thousands have died since.” Deciding to try a different tack, Ellie softened her voice and took her mother’s hands. “Anna is going, Mother. I feel strongly that she shouldn’t go alone, not after the shock she’s suffered. I can look after her and still do my part for king and country.”

  “Let her go, Violet.” Aunt Evelyn spoke quietly from the doorway.

  Mother spun around. “Surely you don’t agree with this foolishness, Evelyn.”

  Aunt Evelyn crossed the room and stopped to gaze out a window. “I spent nearly two decades taking care of my boys, doing my best to keep them safe. From the moment they went off to war, I felt utterly useless. I could no longer do a bloody thing to help them,” she said, her voice breaking. “If I were young, I’d join up right beside Ellie and be happy to do it. Your daughter is a courageous and compassionate young woman, dear sister. Let her forge her own path in this life while she can.”

  Mother had been effectively shocked into silence. Ellie went to Aunt Evelyn with tears in her eyes. “Thank you, Auntie, for understanding.”

  Aunt Evelyn turned and gathered Ellie into her arms, her embrace strengthened by her conviction. “Go, my dear. Go and do for those boys what I couldn’t do for my own.”

  * * *

  Ellie and Anna were giddy over what they had done. Neither of them had ever asserted themselves so boldly, and it felt exhilarating. Mother had telephoned Ellie’s father and tried desperately to sway him to her side of the argument, but he had surprised both of them by supporting Ellie’s decision. Now there was nothing left to do but go forward with their plan.

  Although they initially had intended to stay together, Anna ended up signing on to become an ambulance driver, while Ellie wanted to work in nursing.

  “Your names will be sent off to London in the morning,” the recruiter said, as Ellie and Anna put their signatures to paper. “Please follow this list regarding what to pack, and be prepared to depart for training in two days’ time. Miss Winthrop, you shall have a probationary period of one month at a city hospital before you will be allowed to sign on officially for foreign service, if you so choose. Miss Browning, you shall report to Red Cross headquarters in London. Thank you in advance, ladies, for your service.”

  The recruiter handed them each a letter from Katherine Furse, the leader of the Voluntary Aid Detachment movement, thanking them for their service, and reminding them how much their country needed them. Now that she’d decided, Ellie felt a burst of patriotism and pride, and she couldn’t wait to leave.

  “What do you think it’ll be like in France?” Anna asked, as they took a walk on their last afternoon together.

  “Pretty grim, I imagine. Our barrister’s son was wounded in Belgium in one of our army’s first battles, and he said it all seemed like a fatal exercise in futility.”

  Anna blanched, no doubt thinking of her beloved Charlie. “Have you ever wondered if there could have been another solution, instead of generals ordering their men to slaughter one another? What will anyone have gained when it’s all over? Will their deaths have any meaning?”

  Ellie’s chest hurt as she watched the tears track down Anna’s cheeks. “I don’t know if there’s any reason that could ever be worth such a loss of life, but ultimately, all we can do is support the poor souls following those generals’ orders, and with any luck, we’ll be able to save a few.”

  “With any luck, my friend,” Anna said, wiping her tears and straightening her shoulders with the strength and resolve Ellie had come to admire. “With any luck.”

  Chapter Four

  Five weeks later

  A path led from the hospital compound down a small slope to the sea, and from there, Johanna could see the great white hospital ships in the distance as they carried the lucky ones back to Britain. She felt blessed to be stationed here, for the sea soothed her—had since she was a child in her mam’s arms watching her da bring in the day’s catch. She needed these rare moments when she could just stand here and breathe, to let the salty breeze cleanse her mind.

  Her baptism into wartime nursing had been swift and harsh. Never had she seen wounds like these, so violent and raw. Surrounded by horror and pain and fear, the feeling of despair never loosened its grip. Johanna was exhausted and heartsore, sustained only by the knowledge that she was doing some small bit of good in this horrible place.

  It had been a long and demanding shift and she needed to rest, but she lingered, watching the waves. Johanna’s relationship with the sea was complex. She’d loved it growing up, when she’d chase the gulls, dig for clams in the surf, and explore the open water on Da’s boat, listening to his stories and looking for selkie folk. Then she’d hated the angry sea that took her da and brother one awful stormy afternoon. Now, existing as she was in a constant state of stress and crisis, she needed the sights and sounds of the sea to preserve her sanity.

  “Ambulances coming! Ambulances coming!”

  Johanna closed her eyes, wanting to escape for a bit longer, but it was no use. Duty had beckoned, and with a sigh, she turned to answer its call.

  She had just finished serving morning tea to the men in the surgical ward when the hospital matron found her.

  “A new group of volunteers is coming in tomorrow, Sister Lennox,” Matron said. “I’d like you to meet them at the station and accompany them back here.”

  “But Matron Campbell, the last lot were more trouble than they were worth. Why have we got to take on these hoity-toity society types who have never known a moment of hard work?”

  “Now, be fair, Lennox. A few haven’t been up to snuff, but most have pulled their weight quite well. Tell me you’d rather be washing bandages and mopping floors instead of them.”

  She had a point. The VADs had given them more time to focus on the patients, where they were desperately needed. Still, they came here, barely trained, with grand ideas of being nurses, when the professional nurses had worked for years to earn the title of Sister. It was beyond irritating. Matron Campbell, a fellow Scot, tolerated Johanna’s irascible feelings on the subject, but at the end of the day, her word ruled.

  “I’ve decided to put you in charge of this group and their training,” Matron went on.

  “Och, you haven’t done!” Johanna was quickly silenced by The Look, the one that made the younger girls nearly wet themselves. Matron was a kind and decent woman, but she could be very imposing when she had to be.

  “You are one of my best nurses, Lennox, and I want these volunteers brought up to speed quickly. I have great faith in your ability to do just that.”

  “Humph.” There was no point in arguing, so Johanna just grumbled and nodded.

  “That’s a good lass. There’s a transport leaving in the morning that’ll take you to the station to meet the train.”

  “How many are coming?” Johanna asked, trying to prepare herself mentally for the task.

  “I was told five—three nursing volunteers, a cook, and a laundress. You’ll primarily work with the nursing VADs, showing them the different wards and the duties within each, as well as the general rules of behavior. I’ll expect weekly reports on their progress and capabilities. Now, I must join Dr. Samuel for rounds. Have you any questions, Sister?”

  Johanna sighed. “Nae, Matron.” The older woman looked at her for a moment, gave a small smile and a wink, and left her to her work.

  * * *

  By the next morning, Johanna couldn’t help but feel a bit of excitement, despite the reason for her excursion. A driver took her, along with six soldiers deemed fit to return to their units, to Boulogne, and dropped them at the entrance to the rail station building. She bid the soldiers farewell and good luck, then turned to the driver.

  “I’ve got some supplies to pick up, Sister, bu
t I can meet you here when I’ve finished. Your new arrivals should be here by then.”

  “Thank you, Private.” The young man touched his cap and drove off.

  Johanna stood on the worn wooden platform and took in her surroundings. She hadn’t been away from the hospital for weeks, and she felt exhilarated by the different kind of chaos outside of its confines. Motorized vehicles and horse-drawn conveyances vied for space on the street, and old women in black shawls peddled apples and flowers to passersby. The busy hum of a hundred voices was a welcome change from the moans and shouts of men in pain. Just beyond the platform, a sergeant barked orders to a group of soldiers, new arrivals by the look of their pressed khakis and clean puttees. She felt a pang of worry for the fresh-faced lads and contemplated the likelihood that some would end up in their wards at the base hospital.

  A distant whistle told of the train’s impending arrival, and Johanna’s thoughts reluctantly turned to her task. Was Matron off her head, putting her in charge of the volunteers? She was no teacher—she had little patience and even less tolerance for frivolity and nonsense. She was here to do her job and didn’t need any interference. Still, Matron Campbell had been good to her, and out of respect for her fellow Scotswoman, she’d have to try her best.

  She watched as the train rumbled to a stop, the great black engine belching blacker smoke. In only a few moments, the platform was swarming with people as the passengers disembarked. She searched the crowd until, toward the far end, she caught sight of four heads clad in the white handkerchief caps of the VADs. The women stood still for a bit, looking around, until one seemed to take charge. She strode briskly in Johanna’s direction, and the others followed in her wake like little blue and white ducklings. The leader was rather tall, like Johanna, and reddish-blond curls escaped from her cap. As Johanna stepped forward to intercept them, she turned startling blue eyes to her and smiled. Johanna almost smiled back, the woman’s confidence and open, friendly face taking her by surprise. Remembering her role and wanting to establish her authority, Johanna schooled her features and spoke sternly.