While My Heart Beats

by Erin McKenzie

  With much love,

  Papa

  Ellie opened the package of candies and popped one in her mouth, groaning at the rich, sweet flavor. Though the wonderful gifts had cheered her, this news of Theo was like a dark cloud obscuring the sun, and it saddened her no end. She knew full well that, if not a soldier, he could end up a stretcher bearer, fetching the wounded under fire in no-man’s-land. The longer she was here, the more she felt that nothing would remain untouched by this war. Nothing would ever be the same. A group of mobile patients huddled nearby, smoking, their hospital blues like bright patches of cerulean sky amidst a dreary abundance of gray clouds. They laughed and chatted with their mates, desperate to regain their humanity, yet knowing as they healed that some would once again don khaki and face death. Ellie prayed that Theo would somehow stay safe.

  She took the package to her sleeping quarters, then hurried back to the ward. The moments outside did little to rid her nostrils of the overpowering stench of a hospital at full capacity, nor her throat of its habitual soreness. She went about assisting with morning tea service for the men, dreaming of her own cup later with honey. A tap on her shoulder brought her face to face with Sister Lennox.

  “You keep rubbing your throat,” Sister Lennox said. “Try this.” From her apron she pulled a small bottle and poured out two tablets, handing them to Ellie.

  “What is it?”

  “Formamint. It’s for sore throat and helps a bit to mask the odors.”

  Goodness, has she read my mind? Ellie was quite surprised that Sister Lennox, with her immense workload, would notice something as inconsequential as her rubbing her throat. The little kindness warmed her.

  “Thank you. You’re very thoughtful,” Ellie said, popping a tablet into her mouth. The taste of foul air immediately lessened.

  “You’re welcome, Miss Winthrop,” Sister Lennox replied with a small smile, her gaze lingering on Ellie’s face. After a moment, she blinked and stepped back. As Sister Lennox turned back to her work, Ellie remembered the treat she’d stashed in her apron pocket.

  “Sister, wait. Let me return the favor.” She pulled out a sweet and extended her hand in offering. Sister Lennox’s eyes widened.

  “Is that…?” She took the candy and placed it in her mouth, closing her eyes. “Oh, aye, butterscotch is my favorite. Thank you.”

  Ellie smiled at the blissful expression on Sister Lennox’s face, feeling quite happy with herself that she’d thought to share. “It’s my pleasure.”

  * * *

  There seemed no end to the wounded. No sooner did they empty a bed, than five more were ready to claim it. Johanna thought the volunteers were doing a splendid job, and most could change bed linens in a minute or two, thanks to Ellie, who had taken several of the VADs under her wing, teaching them to perform their duties in the most efficient way possible. She didn’t know much about Ellie’s background, but it was as if she was born to do this work. Even stodgy old Dr. Samuel had complimented her, and he criticized nearly everything.

  Ellie. Johanna had taken to calling her that in her mind. It reminded her that they were women, not just workhorses in skirts. The name had a softness to it that calmed her, much like its owner. Johanna could tell she was high-born—most of the VADs were. She’d always thought such women were obnoxious and shallow, simpering and preening as they looked down their noses at people like her. Ellie had changed her assumptions, for she was smart, independent, strong, and kind. War had certainly reversed their roles, or at least brought them to common ground.

  Johanna knew the others thought she was harsh and unfriendly—she wasn’t an outgoing person by nature, and she was uncomfortable socializing with the nurses in their free moments. Yet she found herself, quite inappropriately, wanting to spend those moments with Ellie, who didn’t seem to mind her unsociable ways one bit. It was a strange development, to be sure.

  “Ambulances coming,” an orderly yelled, startling her. She ran to help triage the wounded as they were unloaded, mentally inoculating herself to the gruesome task. The orderlies placed the stretcher cases on the ground in rows. Then they began the task of cutting away filthy, lice-ridden uniforms and washing the men before they could change their dressings or send them to the operating theater. Ellie appeared by her side, and they wordlessly bent to their work. Ellie had learned such a great deal and now anticipated what Johanna needed her to do. She was a balm for her nerves and a comfort to the men, and Johanna was grateful. She nodded to Ellie and was rewarded with a warm smile that somehow softened the jagged edges of their current reality. Taking a deep breath, she smiled back, feeling a bit more energized to handle the tasks at hand.

  * * *

  It was one of those days, in between the frenzied rushes of wounded, when there was a lull and the staff had shorter shifts. Ellie was off duty and restless—she’d already written to her parents, washed her clothes, and changed her bed sheets, and there was nothing left to do. Some of the girls passed the time with needlepoint and gossip, but that wasn’t Ellie’s style, and it was far too cold to walk about outside. After an early supper, she decided to head over to Ward A.

  When she entered, she nodded to Sister Longley, who was just coming on duty. The clanging of metal bowls told her someone was working in the infirmary, but otherwise, the ward was calm and well-ordered. Since it was also warmer than her quarters, Ellie decided to stay for a bit. She checked on some of the more infirm patients who were awake, offering to write letters or read aloud, but none were interested. At the far end of the ward, four patients sat at a folding table, playing cards and trying to keep their competitive enthusiasm to a dull roar. Ellie smiled and headed their way.

  “Good evening, gentlemen. Who’s winning?”

  “That would be me, miss,” a young corporal answered. “These fine fellows here don’t stand a chance.”

  “A bold declaration,” Ellie said as the others grumbled. “What’s the game?”

  “Three-card brag,” the corporal said, “for toothpicks.” He indicated the sizable pile in front of him.

  “Impressive. I was just thinking that I could use some more toothpicks—I’d be happy to take some off your hands, Corporal.”

  The other men hooted with laughter. “Deal her in, Johnny. Here, ma’am, you can have my chair,” one said, and Ellie nodded with a smile.

  “Thank you.” Ellie sat down and listened politely as Johnny explained the rules, as if speaking to a child. “I think I understand now. Shall we begin?”

  Johnny dealt a new hand with a cocky grin, but seven hands later, his grin was gone, as were half of his toothpicks. A small crowd of other patients had gathered and were cheering Ellie on as she put the young braggart Johnny in his place. She couldn’t remember when she’d had such fun.

  “Hallo, Sister,” someone said, and Ellie looked up, expecting to see Sister Longley. Instead, she met the unreadable gaze of Sister Lennox.

  “Miss Winthrop, what the devil are you doing?”

  Ellie froze and a hush fell over the crowd of patients. Her mind scrambled for a reply. She was fairly certain she was allowed to play cards with the men. Still, she felt the blood rush to her face as she looked up at the imposing Sister Lennox.

  One of the soldiers jumped to her defense. “Sister Sunshine was just having a bit of fun.”

  “Yes, I see that.”

  “I’m sorry, Sister,” Ellie said. “I’m off duty, and…have I done something wrong?”

  “Indeed you have. It seems you’ve taken advantage of this poor unsuspecting lad and swindled his toothpicks,” she said with a wink.

  Stunned, Ellie looked at Johnny, who was sitting back with his arms crossed, clearly feeling vindicated. She then looked back at Sister Lennox, whose eyes were twinkling with mischief. “My apologies,” Ellie said, trying not to laugh.

  “Perhaps you should give up your seat and let the corporal attempt to reclaim his honor.”

  “A fine idea, Sister Lennox,” Ellie said, rising. “Thanks for the
games, gentlemen.” Leaving Johnny to his mates’ ribbing, she and Sister Lennox donned their cloaks and stepped outside.

  “You were drawing quite the crowd in there. Sister Longley didn’t want to interrupt the fun, but the men need their rest,” Sister Lennox said.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Ellie said, flushing hot at the gentle chastisement. “I didn’t think.”

  “Quite all right.” Sister Lennox cocked her head and gave Ellie a long look. “There certainly is more to you than meets the eye, Miss Winthrop. Good night.”

  She turned and walked away, leaving Ellie with the very same impression about the complex and unpredictable Johanna Lennox.

  Chapter Seven

  It was Christmas morning, and they’d all just come from a lovely service, where all who were able sang hymns and prayed for peace. Last night Ellie had shared some of the biscuits and honey with her bunkmates—they’d moaned with every bite and yelled a cheery thank-you to her parents. Ellie wanted to share with Sister Lennox, but she’d been off on an errand for Matron since yesterday. She seemed rather melancholy of late—missing home at Christmastime, Ellie supposed.

  It felt strange in the ward without Johanna Lennox. She was a presence, taller than the rest of the women and even some of the men. Ellie felt like there was order to their chaos when she was there, as if she, even more than Matron Campbell, was holding them all together. Quite odd, since many of the staff kept their distance from her. She’d heard them mutter, She’s so hard or That woman never smiles. She didn’t know why they judged Johanna so—this place made everyone ill-tempered at times. Ellie believed there was a story there, a different person underneath the harsh exterior. She was sure of it, because she’d witnessed the compassion in her eyes when tending the patients and because…she’d seen Johanna smile.

  She preferred Johanna’s company to that of most of the others she knew. Although many of the volunteers came from backgrounds similar to hers, she found she had little in common with them. Her bunkmates, Daisy, Mary, and Margaret, were all right, but Margaret mostly kept to herself, and the other two were a bit too gossipy and immature for her taste. Johanna was different than anyone she’d met before, more mature, more real. She wasn’t pretentious, didn’t put on airs or pretend to be someone she wasn’t. Maybe it was Johanna’s air of mystery that intrigued Ellie. She certainly admired her skills and expertise as a nurse, and her cool command was helpful in such a charged and stressful environment. At any rate, she saw something in Johanna that the others couldn’t or didn’t want to see.

  * * *

  When Johanna got back to the hospital, it was quite late. She’d missed supper but just needed some hot tea to warm her. The night was windy and bitterly cold, and all she could think of was how the lads in the trenches could possibly survive it. She hurried to the kitchen, where the cooks kept hot water going all day and night. As she looked for a clean cup, the door banged open, startling her half to death. In came Ellie, carrying a basketful of hot water bottles to be filled. When she saw Johanna, a huge smile lit up her lovely face.

  “You’re back, thank goodness.”

  Has Ellie missed me? The thought made Johanna’s insides flutter. “I’m sure you got along just fine without me.”

  “Only just,” Ellie teased. “I have something I’ve wanted to give to you, a little Christmas gift, but I can’t fetch it until these bottles are filled.”

  “Are you asking for my help?”

  “I am if you want your present anytime soon.” Ellie was still smiling, and her blue eyes twinkled. This friendly, lighthearted banter was just what Johanna needed.

  She took a bottle and began filling it from the vat. “How was Christmas here?”

  “Rather lovely, actually. Lots of singing and storytelling—even the German prisoners in Ward C joined in with their Christmas carols. One could almost forget for a moment that we’re at war.” Ellie’s smile faltered. “God willing, we won’t spend another Christmas like this one ever again.”

  “Aye, I sincerely hope not,” Johanna said.

  “What about you? Did you find a little Christmas cheer in your travels?”

  “A bit. I went up to Number Fourteen at Wimereux to beg supplies. Their hospital is set up in a bonny seaside hotel, and the nurses decorated it with bits of red ribbon and pine boughs. It cheered the men a great deal.”

  “Did you sing with them?”

  Johanna felt the familiar stab of pain in her chest. “I don’t go in for much celebrating at Christmas.”

  “Oh no, why ever not?” When Johanna didn’t answer, Ellie looked stricken. “I’m sorry, I’ve been far too bold with my questions.”

  Johanna had never shared her reason with anyone before—only her mother knew. But something in Ellie’s eyes made her want to tell. “My brother Duncan was born on Christmas Day.” She swallowed, blinking back tears. “He and my da ran a fishing trawler out of Leith. They were lost in an awful storm nigh on three years now.”

  Ellie somehow knew just what to do—she didn’t fuss over Johanna or offer empty platitudes of sympathy. She simply laid a gentle hand on her arm and nodded. After a moment, Ellie said, “Your mother?”

  “She’s in Edinburgh now, a seamstress by trade. Last we spoke, she had joined a Red Cross working party, making bandages.”

  “Ah, vital work, that. Imagine trying to do our jobs without the help of those volunteers,” Ellie said, patting Johanna’s arm.

  When Ellie removed her hand, Johanna felt the chill of its absence in a far deeper place than her skin. “Nae, I can’t imagine,” she said, but she wasn’t thinking about her mother.

  When they’d filled the water bottles, they left the mess tent together. Johanna was tired, but she wasn’t quite ready to end her conversation with Ellie.

  “I have to get these back to the ward,” Ellie said, though she, too, seemed hesitant to part ways. “Your gift is in my hut. I can get it to you in the morning if you’d like to head off to bed. You must be exhausted.”

  “I’ll walk with you. I should check in with Sister Claire now that I’m back.” In truth, debriefing with Sister Claire could wait until morning, and sleep was beckoning, but for reasons she didn’t have the energy to contemplate, she needed the kind, easy companionship Ellie provided.

  They spent the necessary few minutes inside the ward, but as they headed out into the night, the headlamps of two motor ambulances pierced the darkness. Although they weren’t on duty, they stood by as the orderlies unloaded the stretchers, in case they were needed. One of the drivers came around his vehicle and gasped.

  “Ellie? Ellie Winthrop?”

  Ellie squinted in the dim light, then her eyes opened wide in recognition. “Anna, is that you?”

  “Yes! My God, it’s good to see you.” The driver strode forward and pulled Ellie into a bear hug. “I can’t believe I’ve stumbled upon you—what great luck. How stupid we were, not planning how to keep in touch once we finished training.”

  “True, true. I’ve thought of you so often, and now here you are,” Ellie replied, all smiles.

  In the dark, Johanna had mistaken the figure for a man, with her cap and coat, but now she could see the long skirt of her ambulance driver’s uniform. She watched as Ellie kissed the woman’s cheek, then pulled her by the hand into the headlamps’ glow. Johanna felt sick all of a sudden as she watched them hold hands and hug again, and she stepped back into the shadows, not wanting to witness the joyful reunion a moment longer. She hurried away to her quarters, upset and very confused.

  * * *

  “Tell me how you’ve been getting on, Anna. Is your work terribly difficult?” Ellie asked, pulling Anna into the light.

  “Well, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t, but we’re so busy, I haven’t the time to worry about it. I do find joy in helping, though, like I have a purpose. Do you know what I mean?”

  “Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I feel as if I’ve changed so much—I’m not that naive girl who signed up for duty back in
Lancashire, that’s for certain,” Ellie said.

  Anna laughed. “Nor am I. Our mothers would faint from shock, seeing us now.” She pulled Ellie into another hug. “I’m so glad you’re well and safe. How is Theo? Has he joined up?”

  Ellie shook her head. “Not yet, but it’s only a matter of time, I’m afraid.”

  “I’ll say a prayer for him, and now that I know where you are, I’ll write. I so want to catch up, but I mustn’t linger—there are always more wounded waiting to be picked up.”

  “Maybe you’ll come back here again, then.”

  Anna shook her head. “Our unit is slated for transfer closer to Ypres. We’ll have tea once we’re home—that day will come soon, I hope.”

  Ellie nodded, tears in her eyes. “Go on, then, and be careful. I’ll look forward to a good long chin-wag back in England.”

  “Until then, my friend,” Anna said, climbing into the driver’s seat of her ambulance. She waved and rumbled off into the night.

  Ellie’s chest hurt as both joy and sadness overwhelmed her. “Oh, Johanna, wasn’t that something?” She turned back to the doorway, but Johanna was gone.

  * * *

  “Good morning, Sister Lennox.” Johanna turned as Ellie approached her, pushing the cart of dressings and bandages. Her lovely face was bright and cheerful, and Johanna felt drawn again, like a magnet to steel. She hadn’t been able to get Ellie out of her mind last night as she’d tried to make sense of the unease she’d felt, seeing her with the ambulance driver.