Explicit: A Novel

by Ava Harrison

  “Gentleman? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” she huffs. “So, what? Was this some sort of pity screw? Because I don’t need your pity, Pierce. You’re more fucked-up than I’ll ever be.”

  Her words sting, but she’s right. Every word my brothers said play back in my ears. Every look of disappointment I can see behind my lids as I close them. Every memory of being alone, everything comes back to me. Lindsey leaves no room for confusion at the way she looks at me with disgust.

  I’m nothing to her.

  Straightening my back, I lift my internal walls up. I shrug, callous and arrogant.

  “Get the fuck out,” she screams, pushing at my shoulders.

  “I’m out,” I say, hands coming up lazily in surrender.

  I walk out, Lindsey’s curses and insults hitting my back as I close the door on her. My shoulders slump as I round the corner, out of her sight. I hate myself for the things I said. They were hurtful, and Lindsey didn’t deserve them.

  I’m a coward.

  I’d rather push her away than risk the chance that she’d not want me. Honestly, hurting her this one time won’t compare to what would happen to me if I let this girl in. She’ll get over it. I sure as fuck know she’ll get over it faster than it would take me to come back from whatever she could dish out.

  Decision made, I don’t turn back. I ignore the niggling thought going through my brain . . .

  That I just ruined any shot of a repeat with the one girl who’s ever made me want more.

  Three months later

  Why I thought stopping at a club and meeting for a drink instead of hitting the road to head out east to the Hamptons was a good idea is beyond me.

  I could be at my family’s summerhouse already. But instead of being on the road driving, I’m only just leaving the club now, which means there’s no way I’ll be going anywhere tonight.

  I’m walking toward the valet of Swerve, the new nightclub housed at The L Hotel to grab my car. I shouldn’t have come, but I couldn’t say no. When Trey told me he was getting a table at the new club in my brother Grant’s hotel, the opportunity to taunt my brother was too intense. I’m never going to be taken seriously by them, so I’ve decided to flaunt my indifference in their faces and yet that still didn’t have the desired response. He didn’t even show up. So once again, I did something to demand their attention and it fell on deaf ears.

  This week alone, I’ve gone out five days, and it’s only Friday, so that says a lot. God, I’m tired. I’m tired of this damn city. Tired of trying. Just plain tired.

  A haze of booze and girls will do that.

  A peaceful weekend is no longer in my future, though, an escape to East Hampton long since forgotten with a bump of coke and a willing girl swaying her hips. One minute I was having one drink, the next I was getting an impromptu lap dance from my ex, and then before I could say, “let’s go” we were gone. Now I’m taking the keys from the valet, who so kindly for the right price has parked my Range Rover in front of the hotel, and stepping into the car, entourage in tow to keep the party going.

  I pull out onto the street.

  “Where to?”

  “Your place,” Trey shouts from the back seat.

  “Ain’t going to happen.” No one goes to my place. That’s my one rule and Trey knows it.

  “Fine, mine then.” He laughs, obviously not surprised that even as fucked as I am, I’m holding true to my word. I’m not even sure why he tried. We always party at his place.

  We aren’t even two blocks from the corner when Josie places her hand on my crotch. “Fuck, Josie. You can’t do that while I’m driving.”

  My ex strokes me through my jeans, making it difficult to concentrate. My dick is rock-hard beneath her touch, begging to come out and play. But right now I need to concentrate on driving or I’m fucked. She’s a major distraction. Why did I think going home with my ex was a good idea?

  I grit my teeth and try to move her away by shoving her hand off me, but she’s having none of it. I feel her work at my zipper.

  Josie and I dated in high school, though I use the word “dated” lightly. We fucked. We fucked a lot. She’s a whole lot of crazy and drama, so eventually, I cut ties. But I was horny as fuck and high off my ass when I bumped into her tonight, and she’s now in my car, practically sucking my dick in the front seat. She might be crazy, but she gives good head, and sometimes, like now, that’s all that matters.

  Hoots sound from the backseat. Trey, Linc, and one of Josie’s friends are back there smoking a joint and having a heyday.

  “Want a hit, Lancaster?”

  Trey offers a blunt over the seat. I take it and pull a long drag. If I can’t get my rocks off, I might as well feel good.

  “I want the good stuff,” Josie whines.

  She drives me crazy. I thought I could forget that fact, but no matter how good I feel, the high-pitched bitching does nothing but annoy me.

  “We’ll be doing lines in less than ten, Josie girl,” Linc promises.

  Josie dances around in the seat, hitting my arm.

  “Hey, watch it. I’m driving here,” I growl.

  “Lighten up, Lancaster, and have some fun,” Josie snips, turning up the radio to a decibel that’s bringing on a headache. I’m about to yell at her to turn it down when flashing blue lights attract my attention from behind.

  “Shit,” I yell. “Fuck. Get rid of that joint, Linc.”

  Everyone in the car scrambles to get in their seats and hide the shit. It doesn’t even matter. There’s no way around this. My stomach shifts uneasily as I pull over and then release my hands from the steering wheel. They shake uncontrollably.

  I’m fucked.

  High off my ass and fucked.

  Twenty-four hours in central booking, and then the tombs, I’m finally sitting in court awaiting the judge’s sentencing. I’ve never sat overnight. Typically, my father or Spencer comes to bail me out. Not this time, and it’s giving me a strange feeling. With all my priors, the judge should throw the book at me, but I’m Pierce Lancaster. I’ll receive a slap on the hand because, let’s face it, my father will make sure of it.

  “Mr. Lancaster, did you hear what I said?” Judge Maddox calls from the stand.

  I turn my head toward her.

  “I’m sorry, Your Honor. What did you say?”

  “Mr. Lancaster, you’ve become somewhat of a constant in this courtroom. Have you gotten so comfortable that you don’t feel inclined to answer the one person who holds your fate in their hand?”

  “I’m sorry, Your Honor. I was looking for someone.”

  “Perhaps that person isn’t coming, Mr. Lancaster. Has it occurred to you that your shenanigans might have been the final straw?”

  I don’t say anything. She’s right.

  “It’s my decision that you shall be required to log ten hours community service per week for the next three months. We’ll consider your night as time served.”

  My shoulders droop. I’m thankful to be getting off so easily, especially without my father’s presence.

  “Mr. Lancaster, this is your last chance. The next time I find you in my courtroom, you will serve time. Plan on a minimum of ninety days upstate if you’re back here within the next twelve months. Are we clear?”

  I nod.

  “Use your words, Mr. Lancaster.”

  “Yes, Your Honor. Crystal clear.”

  I’m released and ready to call for a ride when I round the corner and bump straight into Spencer. “A little late, bro. No worries. I didn’t need you.”

  His brow rises. “You think she decided to go easy on you for no reason? What? Because you’re Pierce Lancaster?” he mocks and it feels like I’m being punched in the gut. “Get this straight: nobody cares. You got a pass only because I made the call. But this is the last time.”

  Spencer is seething. I haven’t seen him this angry with me in a very long time. Not that it hasn’t been building. With all our dad’s health issues, it’s been Spencer mor
e and more. He’s tired. I can see it in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” I offer for the first time ever. “Does Dad know?”

  “No, and he won’t. He can’t take that stress right now.”

  I hang my head in shame. Despite everything, I don’t begrudge Spencer. He’s worked his ass off his entire life. Things weren’t just handed to him. The hotels were supposed to be Grant’s, but he turned his back on the family for some time.

  “I’m serious, Pierce. Get your shit together. I don’t care what you do but do something. Because if you don’t, you’ll end up here again, and let me tell you there won’t be another bailout. You better get your ass to community service every week, no excuses. The first time you miss, I’ll drag your ass to jail myself.”

  With that, he turns his back and walks away from me.

  “Listen, Christopher. You can’t do that,” I say sternly, maintaining eye contact with the young man in front of me. He might be taller, but that doesn’t stop me from being firm with him. I’ve learned in the last few months of working at the Polaris Boys Club that showing strength is as important as kindness with these teens. They might look like men but, in fact, they aren’t, and they need to learn boundaries or they could potentially walk all over us. “We don’t use our fists here.”

  “He threw the punch first,” he responds, his chocolate brown eyes never leaving mine.

  “I don’t care. You should’ve walked away and gotten one of the counselors. You can be kicked out for that crap.” My words must get to him because Christopher starts to nibble on his upper lip. He’s not a bad kid. He’s just had a tough life.

  Polaris has been my home away from home for the past three months. I started volunteering here after I returned from France. It’s my way of giving back. For a long time, I took my life for granted and treated people badly. But after the car accident that left me pretty banged up, everything was different. When your life flashes before your eyes, you decide to make changes. Truth is, my life needed a good cleansing. I didn’t realize it at first, but after the accident, I knew it was time. After a drunken night in Antibes, I realized the time was now.

  I didn’t want to settle back into old habits. After Pierce’s rejection, I found myself itching to numb the pain again. I was headed back down a bad path with partying and drinking. The need to do drugs was all-encompassing. So I took a long, hard look at my life. I’m lucky to be alive after the accident I was in, and I don’t take that for granted, so as soon as the plane touched down back in the States, I set off to find meaning in my life.

  I needed something to occupy my time, and since I have more money than I could spend in a lifetime, I decided to volunteer to help make others’ lives better. My best friend Olivia’s sister is dating the guy who runs Polaris. Olivia hooked me up, and I’ve never been happier with my decision. These boys need a wake-up call, and I’ve found that my limp is pretty good motivation.

  I watch Christopher inspect his fingernails. It’s obvious he’s uncomfortable and feeling bad. “Come here.” He walks until he’s beside me, and I place my hand on his shoulder. My lips spread into a tight smile. “You’re better than this.”

  And he is.

  Most of these boys are trying to stay away from gangs and drugs. If not for Polaris, they’d most likely get sucked into a criminal lifestyle. Christopher’s father is a gang member and drug dealer, and Christopher’s mom is a single woman, working her ass off for a little more than minimum wage. She depends on Polaris to keep Christopher in line after school. If he gets kicked out, he’ll most likely get pulled into his father’s world and end up in jail. Or dead.

  “Next time, get a counselor.”

  He nods.

  “You have an hour left. Basketball or art.”

  His brow rises and his chin tips up. “Definitely basketball,” he says, smiling wide.

  “Then hit the court, Jordan.”

  Without another word, he’s jogging toward the gym. It’s always hard to be stern with the boys, but I know I have to do it sometimes. Tough love situation. Kindness and a little discipline go a long way. I learned that early on.

  When I first started here, the concept was foreign to me. I’d never had either in my life, so they were hard to demonstrate to the boys. I gave in to their every demand, their every indulgence, and quickly everything became clear—if there are no boundaries, you get taken advantage of.

  My childhood flashes before my own eyes as I consider these kids. I got everything I ever wanted, everything but the one thing I needed. Someone to care. So that’s what I give these kids. I treat them the way I’ve always wanted to be treated. There are rules and rewards, but also love. Each and every boy at Polaris has a place in my heart. I stare off into the distance, remembering every kid I’ve worked with during my short time here.

  “Hey, Lindsey. Everything okay?” Carson calls from behind me.

  I sigh before turning to face him. I’m not ready to rehash the last few minutes with Christopher, especially since it’s over.

  “Yeah. Just a little issue with Christopher and Cass, but it’s been handled,” I inform him.

  “Great. Thanks for taking care of things.” He smiles. “I’m headed out but call if you need anything.”

  “I’ve got it under control. See you tomorrow.”

  He starts to walk away before turning back in my direction. “Tomorrow, we’ve got a new volunteer coming. He’s court ordered, so I’m not sure how much we can depend on him but thought I’d give you the heads-up. I’ll need you to do the introductions.”

  “Great. I should have some time tonight to put a packet together and get things set up.”

  “You’re awesome, Linds. Polaris is lucky to have your help.”

  I beam at his praise, my chest puffing up with pride. I’m not used to compliments. Most of my life I’ve been ignored and left to fend for myself, but hearing him say that, knowing that Carson appreciates me, makes every rough day worth it. I respect him so much, and his opinion means everything to me.

  Carson Blake hasn’t had the easiest go of things over the past couple of years. He used to teach at Cranbrook Prep until a scandal with a student, Olivia’s sister, Lynn, ended that run. He’s still with Lynn, and Polaris is his life, but it hasn’t been without trials and tribulations. He got his start working with the grade school boys. Then he recognized that the older kids need the intervention as much as the younger boys, so he made it his mission to start this chapter.

  With my past, Polaris just made sense. Most times, I’m able to recognize the warning signs for potential drug use, and Carson is good at picking up on criminal activity, so together we’re able to circumvent the issue and steer the boys back on the right path. It’s the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. After two months, Carson insisted on paying me. It’s not much, but it’s more than I need. Carson doesn’t know, but I’ve been donating money to the center through a charity I founded. I understand how important this center is, and I know this was my calling. I’d love to see the equivalent opened for girls in the same situation.

  The rest of the night flies. I’m in my office charting out tomorrow’s activity groups when my phone beeps with an incoming text.

  Olivia: You around tonight? I’m in town!

  I nearly fall out of my seat with excitement. Olivia is never in town. She’s always globetrotting for work or with Spencer. Olivia and I have spoken several times the past few months, but I haven’t seen her since the engagement party in Antibes, and the idea of seeing her has my mouth spreading into a huge smile. Spending time with one of my closest friends is definitely needed right now. Friendships don’t come easy for me, and most of the people I used to hang with stopped calling me after the accident. Olivia stuck by my side, even when I was a complete bitch during recovery, which was often. Truth, I’ve always been a bitch, so the fact Olivia still talks to me bodes well for her character. If anyone treated me the way I treated her, I’d give them their walking cards.

  Me: YES!


  Me: You mean to tell me Spencer is allowing you to breathe?

  Olivia: Ha! Like he has a choice. I want to see you.

  Me: I’ll be home within the hour. Dessert? Wine for me!

  I stare at my phone and wait for her to answer. Full-fledged excitement courses through me. With all that’s happened, we have so much to talk about, and a piece of cake and some girl time sounds great. Olivia doesn’t drink alcohol, so now instead of drinking, we sample the best desserts the city has to offer. But no matter how yummy the cake that I’ll pick up for tonight will be, I’ll still need a glass of wine. I’ll need liquid courage. I never told her about Pierce and me. There was no point. She wasn’t here. But now everything is different and having someone to talk to about it is welcome—needed.

  Olivia: A piece or two. I can’t stay late. No sugar coma for me, I have to fly out to accompany one of my girls on a shoot tomorrow.

  Me: K. See you at my place in one hour.

  Olivia: K.

  “You did what?” Olivia bellows while simultaneously choking on a piece of the chocolate cake I bought.

  I groan, already regretting my admission. Why did I think wine was a good idea? Wine equals loose lips.

  “Why didn’t you tell me before now?” Olivia pouts and not being able to answer right away, I dart my eyes around my living room. The city just outside my floor-to-ceiling windows grabs my attention. The lights flickering in the horizon from the neighboring buildings lock me into a trance.

  Why didn’t I tell her?

  Embarrassment.

  Pride.

  “It wasn’t one of my finer moments,” I finally answer while I chew on my lip, remembering Antibes. “In fact, I’d just as soon forget it.” I grimace.

  “You’ve wanted Pierce forever. It was only a matter of time,” she states. “So was it everything you dreamed it would be?” She giggles, and the sound makes my heart warm. This is what I’ve missed; the laid-back feeling of friendships.

  “Wait, don’t answer that,” she says, pulling me out of my thoughts. She scrunches her nose in obvious disgust of me hooking up with him, and I can’t help but laugh with her. Pierce is the youngest brother of her fiancé, so he’ll be her brother-in-law soon. I’m sure she doesn’t want the mental image.