by Mandy Magro
She passed the shelves, overflowing with her books, and ran her fingers along the spines as she wandered towards the kitchen. It had been so long since she’d found a moment to stop and do what she loved to do to wind down. She really needed to learn to make more time for herself instead of filling every spare moment with work, too afraid to stop and see what her life had essentially become – solitary. Unhappy. Padding into the kitchen, she flicked on the light, popped Brute on the floor, and contemplated her limited choices for dinner: a frozen meal or a can of baked beans on toast. She delayed the depressing choice and grabbed her phone from where she’d tossed it onto the bench. She sighed sadly at seeing the missed call wasn’t from Lachlan, but at the same time felt blessed she had such a wonderful best mate. She listened to the voicemail. Zoe wanted to check in. Her brother was back in town and she wanted to make sure Juliette was okay. Juliette was grateful for the fact.
Plucking a can of dog food from the pantry, she tried not to tread on Brute, who wasn’t leaving an inch between them, as she served some into his bowl. Before she’d even had time to rinse the spoon, he was sitting back at her feet, licking his chops. ‘Far out, Brute, talk about inhaling your food.’ She laughed softly to herself as she flung open the freezer. Pushing the frozen meals aside, she plucked a tub of salted caramel macadamia ice-cream from the depths, then a spoon from the cutlery drawer. Stuff the savoury food, this was exactly what she needed, along with a glass or two of red to drown her sorrows. Stopping at the wine rack, she purposely selected a pinot noir from the top shelf – usually Lachlan’s special out-of-bounds area – picked up her glass from where she’d left it upended on the draining rack last night, and headed towards the comfort of the couch. She felt like an absolute rebel. Getting herself settled, she tossed Brute’s ball, which had been buried beneath one of the cushions, chuckling at his eagerness to retrieve it as she dialled Zoe’s number.
She answered in less than two rings. ‘Hey, hun, thank god. I was so worried about you.’ Zoe’s anxious voice carried down the line. ‘I was just about to drive over and check on you.’
‘Hey, Zoe.’ Brute deposited the spittle-covered ball at her feet and she tossed it again – and so the nightly ritual of exercising her ten-year-old doggy mate had begun. ‘There’s honestly nothing to worry about. I’m all good.’ Juliette feigned an assuredness she was far from feeling before shoving a mouthful of delectable creaminess in, accomplishing instant brain-freeze.
‘I know you’re lying through your perfectly white teeth, Juliette. There’s no way on this earth this won’t be affecting you, especially after what your arsehole husband just did.’
Juliette groaned. ‘I don’t want to think about it right now.’
‘Denial is not going to help you this time round. You need to get out of there.’ Zoe, as always, was directly to the point.
‘Please, Zoe. Just let me do this at my own pace.’ Juliette sniffled, but refused to cry. ‘With Lachlan away for work, it’s giving me time here, by myself, to figure it all out.’
‘Nothing to figure out, my beautiful friend. Other than once a cheater, always a cheater.’ Ice chinked on the other end. Zoe was drinking. ‘Oh yes, that’s just what I needed,’ she breathed.
‘Rum and Coke?’
‘The one and only,’ Zoe replied.
Rarely a drinker, Zoe was clearly as rattled as she was about Joel’s return. ‘How’d the reunion go?’ Not that she wanted to discuss Joel, but Juliette was desperate to steer the conversation away from her marital woes. She and Zoe had talked about it for countless hours and, in her opinion, there was nothing left to say about it all. She had a decision to make, one that nobody could make for her.
‘Uncomfortable at first, but it didn’t take long for me and him to feel like we’d never been apart.’
‘Well, that’s good, isn’t it?’ Juliette offered.
‘Yeah, I suppose it is. It just sucks he comes home when I’m about to leave,’ Zoe said. ‘Life is a weird, muddled-up thing at times.’ She exhaled a weighty breath. ‘Even though I have just seen him with my own eyes, I still can’t believe he’s really back here.’
‘Yeah, me neither,’ Juliette said. Seeing Joel had felt unreal, even if the turbulent feelings he’d stirred up in her were all too real. ‘How’s your father feeling about it all?’
‘He’s not real happy about it. The stubborn old bugger barely said two words at dinner, and as soon as he’d eaten, he was up and outta there. But Mum’s over the moon.’
Juliette tried to swallow down her guilt. Joel had only lashed out because of what they’d been through that horrible night. ‘I thought that might be the case with your dad. He wasn’t backwards in letting the entire town know he was disappointed with Joel hitting Levi, then taking off like he did, but at least your mum is happy about it.’
‘Yeah, true. He always was her baby boy. Still is even though he’s thirty.’ Zoe half-chuckled, half-groaned. ‘She’s dancing around the house like Mary bloody Poppins, I tell you.’
Juliette couldn’t help but laugh softly as she visualised exactly that. Sherrie Hunter was a sweet, loveable woman. William Hunter, as moralistic as he was, was a very hard man. She wouldn’t like to be in Joel’s shoes right now, trying to win him over. ‘I can’t believe you’re leaving soon, Zoe.’
There was a short silence and Zoe sucked in a slow, steady breath. ‘Me too. I’m excited and crapping my dacks all at once.’
Her glass already empty, Juliette filled it to the brim once more. She wanted a decent night’s sleep for once. ‘You’re going to love it over there, helping all those kids. I just know it.’
‘I hope they love me just as much.’
‘Oh, they most certainly will,’ Juliette said with a warm smile.
There was a pause as Zoe’s ice rattled again before she said, ‘So … Jules, tell me … how do you really feel about my brother being back here?’
Nerves ignited in Juliette’s belly and butterflies flittered through her heart. Heaving a sigh, she closed her eyes. ‘Honestly, other than shocked, I don’t know how I feel,’ she admitted glumly, flickering her lids open to find Brute staring at her. Fed up with the ball and now bored with chasing his tail, he’d scooted back to her and sidled up beside her on the couch, begging for a scratch. She indulged him. ‘It kind of just exaggerates how messy my life is,’ she added.
‘Oh, hun.’ Zoe sighed. ‘I wish there was something I could do or say to take your mind off it all, but honestly, I don’t think anything will.’
Juliette shrugged. ‘A ride might help.’
‘Touché, my friend.’ Zoe laughed wickedly.
‘Oh, for goodness sake, you and your dirty mind.’ Juliette rolled her eyes. ‘Not that kind of ride, Zoe Hunter.’
‘Ha ha, sorry, couldn’t help myself.’ She sucked in a breath. ‘Look, Jules, you know me, I can’t keep my opinions to myself, and you’re my best friend, so I feel I really have to have your back and make you see sense.’
Juliette’s breath stuttered. Had Joel told Zoe about that night? She was going to kill him. ‘I’m listening,’ she said hesitantly.
‘I know you’re embarrassed that your husband slept around on you, and with another man for Pete’s sake, but you’re going to have to come clean about Lachlan at some point, at the very least to your parents so they don’t condemn you for wanting a divorce, which I pray to god you will.’ She said it all very fast, like she had to get it all out in one go.
‘And just what’s that going to achieve?’ With Brute fast asleep, Juliette stopped rubbing his head. The thought of telling her stepdad terrified her, not that Zoe would understand it.
‘You mean a divorce, or telling people the truth?’ Zoe sounded a little annoyed.
Juliette shrugged. ‘Both, I suppose.’
‘Well, let me see …’ Zoe said a little tersely. ‘It’ll give you a clean slate, with no blame on your shoulders, so you can get on with your life, living it on your terms, eventually with a man who
will love you for the amazing woman you are, so you can fulfil your dream of having children.’
‘Malcolm will never believe me if I tell him Lachlan’s homosexual.’ She could see her stepfather’s reaction now.
‘That’s his choice.’ Zoe’s voice quivered, and she cleared her throat. ‘The most important thing is that you know the truth of it all.’
‘Yeah, maybe.’ Juliette blinked faster.
‘Well, it is the truth, Jules. And the truth hurts. Malcolm will just have to deal with the fact his holier-than-thou son-in-law is not what he thinks he is.’
‘Yeah, I know you’re right.’ Juliette shrugged again, blinking back tears. ‘But the thought of letting the cat out of the bag scares me to death in so many ways.’ She thought of her dear mum copping the brunt of it and shuddered.
Zoe heaved a sigh. ‘Look, I get that you’re worried, but we only get one life and one shot at a happily-ever-after. For once in your life, Juliette, you have to do what’s right for you. It’s not like you’re going to leave there empty-handed. You’ve been married to the guy for years, so you’ll be entitled to half of everything.’
Juliette took a swallow of her wine. ‘I wish leaving was that easy, hun, but it’s not – I don’t even want to think about dividing everything up right now. What a damn mess.’
‘You just have to take the first step, my darling friend, and everything will fall into place. You’ll see.’
‘You really think so?’
‘Yup, I do,’ Zoe said with absolute conviction.
‘And how’s it going to look to everyone, up and leaving Lachlan the same time as Joel arriving back here?’
‘Who cares how it looks? You have to learn to live for the moment, Jules. You shouldn’t ignore the doors that open for you or the opportunities that are staring you right in the face just because of what someone else will think.’
Juliette sensed what Zoe was getting at. ‘As much as you might think you know everything about me …’ Cradling the phone between her shoulder and her cheek, she reached for an almost empty tube of lip-gloss on the coffee table and spread some on. ‘… I don’t want Joel back.’ She rubbed her lips together. ‘Not now. Not ever.’
‘Uh-huh. I didn’t say anything about Joel, but funny how he’s the first thing that came to mind after my little pep talk, don’t you think?’
Juliette rolled her eyes as she flopped back. ‘I just played right into your hands, didn’t I?’
‘Guilty as charged, girlfriend.’
Juliette was about to defend herself by rattling off why she and Joel should never get back together but saved her breath. ‘You’re good,’ she said with a smile.
‘Yes, I am, and don’t you forget it.’ A deafening beeping noise sounded in the background. ‘Oh shit, that’s the smoke alarm. I forgot about the cake. Work is having a quick little going away party for me tomorrow morning and I thought I’d contribute to the BYO table. God help them all. I better run, Jules.’
Juliette enjoyed a bit of a chuckle at her friend’s expense. Zoe had always been a terrible cook. ‘Okay. Give me a call from the airport, let me know when you’re about to leave?’
‘For sure. Night, hun. Love ya.’
‘Love you right back. Bye, Zoe.’
Juliette stared at the phone in her hand, thinking about what Zoe had said. At the back of her mind, a thought prodded, vying to be heard, but like a child, she fiercely ignored it. She couldn’t allow herself to go down that path, for fear she’d never find her way back.
She only had hazy recollections of that night by the river, putting her fogginess down to the trauma of it all, her mind’s clever way of blocking it all out. The pain and shame she’d felt for months afterwards had been debilitating, but she’d pushed through it. As hard as it had been, she had tried to make a life for herself. Now, that night just felt like a nightmare, a blur of images where she wasn’t the victim. How dare Joel Hunter come waltzing back into her life, making her relive it all.
He’d had his chance and although she’d played a part in their break-up, he’d left her high and dry, with no option but to move on in her life without him. And so, she had. Joel Hunter was not going to own a piece of her mind. Not today, or tomorrow, or any other day for that matter.
CHAPTER
9
Seated in the front pew of the packed Sunday church, her mother at her side, Juliette looked up at the man who’d ruled her childhood with an iron fist and the length of his belt. How her stepfather could stand up there, in his religious garb, and preach about being a good Christian, was beyond her. However, she loved her mother to death and wanted to do nothing to provoke his wrath onto her, nor to cause her mother any unnecessary shame. So, she remained tight-lipped and kept their secret behind lock and key – not even Joel or Zoe knew that one. The scars on her heart, and the tiny ones on her knees from where Malcolm used to make her kneel and pray for hours on the cold, cement floor of the shed, were reminders, as were the haunting memories of being locked in the cupboard under the stairs just for saying ‘oh god’ or forgetting to clean her teeth before bed. She could only imagine what he would have done to her, and her mother, if he’d found out about her sneaking out the night Levi and his brothers had attacked her and Joel. And if he found out now, after all these years? The rage he’d have at being lied to? She hated to think of how he’d make her mother atone for her daughter’s apparent sins. Now Juliette was beyond the reach of his unjust rules, he’d most certainly take it out on her mother.
Twenty minutes later, the service came to an end and she and her mum made their way outside with the rest of the congregation. Tables of home-baked goodies were waiting, alongside the usual refreshments of coffee, tea and juice. ‘I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever, Mum,’ she said, waving to William and Sherrie Hunter before passing her mum a cuppa. She couldn’t help but wonder if Joel was here too, and kept an eye out for him. ‘Over a week, to be exact,’ she added.
‘I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry, I’ve been so busy.’ Her short grey hair as impeccably neat as her crisply ironed blouse and slacks, Joan Kern straightened her white cardigan and offered a tender smile. ‘I’ll be at the saleyards tomorrow, along with your Aunt Janey, raising money for the extensions on the community hall with a bakery stand, if you’d like to come and help out?’
Reaching out, she rubbed her mum’s arm, so thin and frail beneath her fingers. She was smiling, but Juliette could see the years of heartbreak etched into her mother’s eyes. ‘That sounds perfect, count me in.’ She smiled at the ladies flocking to her mother’s side, most of them sweet, though one in particular irking her. Juliette had never seen eye to eye with Kathryn Jensen on anything. Even so, she made an effort to be pleasant to the hoity-toity woman, for her mother’s sake. ‘Hi, Mrs Jensen.’
‘Hello, Juliette. We haven’t seen you here in a while.’ She regarded her haughtily.
Clearing her throat, Juliette bit back unkind words. ‘Yes, I’ve been meaning to make it each Sunday, but I keep getting caught up.’
‘Really? Well, you of all people should know, dear, after being brought up in such a devoted Christian home, that god should come first.’ She eyed her over the rim of her teacup, and with Juliette remaining silent, continued. ‘So, how’s Lachlan?’
‘He’s good, keeping busy too. How’s Harold?’ She glanced over to where Kathryn’s husband stood beside Margery and Ronald Davis – her father-in-law was home for two nights before flying out on business again, and all three of them were listening intently to her stepfather. Malcolm Kern was honoured by many. Little did they all know the man who lurked behind closed doors.
‘Oh, you know Harold. He’s getting more forgetful in his old age, Lord help me.’ She cackled like a strangled chicken, the sound grating on Juliette’s already frayed nerves. Desperate to excuse herself so she could head home and go for a ride, she brushed a kiss on her mother’s cheek. ‘I’m off, Mum. I’ll call you to organise helping out at the stand.’
Juliette followed her mother’s gaze, chewing the inside of her cheek. ‘Oh, he’s busy sharing god’s word. Just say hi for me.’
Joan nodded, her lips tightly pressed together. ‘Okay, I’ll pass it on.’
They shared a fleeting moment in recognition of the common bond of what they’d been through with him. ‘Love you, Mum,’ Juliette said with a gentle smile.
Her mum placed a hand on Juliette’s cheek. ‘Love you too. With all my heart, my sweet Juliette.’
Before walking away, she took her mother’s hands and gave them a gentle squeeze. ‘Look after yourself.’
‘I will. Stop worrying about me all the time.’
‘Easier said than done, Mum.’ She kissed her again. ‘Bye for now.’
‘Bye, sweetheart.’
Half an hour later, Juliette was home, out of her church attire, and in her jeans and a T-shirt. After her horrific week, she was determined to make it a great afternoon. Heading out to spend what was left of the day in the glorious sunshine, she made a slight detour to the kitchen, where she grabbed a couple of carrots and shoved them into her pockets. Her buckskin, Warrior, would love her even more for the treat. It was the least she could do in return for the uncomplicated, unconditional and fiercely loyal connection they’d had since she’d saved him from the meatworks almost ten years before. His owner had labelled him unruly and insubordinate, a complete waste of space. Juliette had labelled Warrior’s previous owner a bully, and a man not fit to own horses when he felt it fair to train them with a piece of PVC pipe. Bastard. All Warrior had needed was understanding and a little love.
Pausing at the sink, she grabbed her upended wine glass from the night before, filled it with water and sculled it. She’d woken feeling a little under the weather and massively dehydrated – too much vino. She was glad she’d made an effort to go to church though. It was one of the only places she got to see her mother these days. Fresh air and Mother Nature were going to do her the world of good. The beauty of the bushland would help to take her mind off the fact that Lachlan had sent her a very short text late last night, saying he was caught up with work and would talk to her when he arrived home from Brisbane. Furious, she’d tried to call him as soon as she’d read it, but it went straight to message bank. He’d always been the master of ignoring the elephant in the room, but this wasn’t going away. Sighing from the weight of her worries, she cursed his name beneath her breath when, speak of the devil, the rattle of the back door brought her gaze to that of her cheating husband.
