“Rand!” I shrieked his name.
“Sorry! I didn’t realize you didn’t hear me.”
“I shouldn’t have had my music up so loud,” I said. “What are you doing here?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Checking in on the property.”
“Sorry. Of course. I’m sorry. I meant you’re here in the middle of the day.”
He checked his watch. “It’s after three.”
“I didn’t realize that much time had passed already, but I guess you would be an expert in the passing of time slipping right on by you,” I said, slightly perturbed now that my heart had slowed back to a normal rhythm.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s Friday, Rand,” I blurted out. “I haven’t heard a word from you. I’m not sure what game you’re playing, but this hot and cold thing isn’t going to work for me. I’m cool with cold, but just tell me.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice lacking the usual cockiness.
“Is everything okay?” I asked, realizing everything about him was a little off.
“It’s fine,” he said with a forced smile. “I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you. Come to my house for dinner. I’ll make some of my famous grilled chicken parmesan.”
My heart immediately went out to him. It was the nurturing instinct I couldn’t fight. “Famous, huh?” I said with a laugh.
“Famous in my world.”
“I’d love to,” I answered.
“Are you about finished here?” he asked, looking down the hallway that was spotless and dustless.
I nodded. “I am. I was just finishing up with his little statues.”
“Great. I’ll be down in the study. Come and get me when you’re ready to go.” He walked away.
I sensed a heaviness around him. Something was off. I would ask him again at dinner and see if he would open up. I wondered if it was grief finally sneaking up on him. I quickly finished my task, anxious to get back to his place. I missed him. I had kept telling myself I couldn’t miss him because he wasn’t mine to miss. I did anyway.
I put away the cleaning supplies and headed down the hall to the study. Rand was sitting behind the desk, reading through a file when I walked in. The look on his face was one of stress and what I detected was worry. I had the sudden realization the estate might be broke. That would explain the lapse in pay and the look on Rand’s face.
“I’m ready,” I announced.
His head popped up, and he quickly closed the file he’d been reading. “Great, I’ll just put this back, and we can go.”
On the way to his place, I couldn’t resist the urge to ask him about his wellbeing one more time. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked.
“It’s just been a rough week, but I’m fine,” he said, making it clear he was done talking about it.
I left it alone. When we got to his house, he asked if I wanted a beer or glass of wine. I gladly accepted the wine and pulled up a seat at the bar to watch him work. I could have watched him all day. I let myself have a little fantasy of him cooking in nothing but his tight little boxer briefs.
“I can’t believe you cook,” I said, amazed at how comfortable he was in the kitchen.
“I do. My grandfather taught me.”
I shook my head. “Why are you single?” I asked, knowing it was blunt, but it was a question I wanted an answer to and didn’t want to beat around the bush to get an answer.
“I’m single because I don’t do relationships,” he answered easily.
I scowled. “Why? Have you ever been in a relationship?”
“Not really, but I’ve had enough experience with the dating scene to know it’s nothing but a lot of headaches and hurt feelings. I can get that without putting my heart on my sleeve. What about you? Any long-term relationships and bad breakups in your past?”
I smirked. “I’m twenty-two. I haven’t lived long enough for either.”
“You didn’t have a boyfriend in high school?”
I shook my head. “No. Definitely not.”
“Why not?”
I shrugged, not wanting to explain my home life was not conducive to me having a serious boyfriend. “I wasn’t interested.”
He looked at me skeptically but seemed to accept my answer. “Smart girl.”
“Your grandfather used to tell me that relationships were hard work, but so worth it.”
He chuckled. “He would say that. He had my grandmother. When she passed away, he didn’t even try to find another woman. He said she was his one and only and no other woman would ever compare.”
“He was a lucky man to have found a person he could love completely,” I said wistfully.
Rand flipped over the chicken. “All I’ve seen from relationships is bad. The fighting and the bickering and the constant struggle seem like too much work for me.”
“Adrian and Bella seem to have a good relationship,” I commented.
“They do,” he replied. “They’re one of the lucky few.”
“Just like your grandparents. He said that when the right person comes along, the hard work to make the relationship work just kind of becomes weightless. All your troubles are easier to handle because you have someone to share it with.”
Rand smiled, shaking his head. “He was a hopeless romantic.”
“You don’t buy into that logic?” I asked. “Isn’t that what a relationship is all about? Sharing burdens and working together as a team?”
“I suppose for some people it is,” he said. “I look at myself in the mirror every day, and I’m okay with who I am for me, but I don’t know if I’m the person someone else wants or needs in their life. I’m flawed. I’ve got baggage. I disappear at times. I don’t think I’m cut out to be someone’s partner in life. I would suck at it, and I have to believe that person deserves better than what I have to offer.”
The way he said it made it seem very matter of fact. He wasn’t self-deprecating or trying to gain sympathy. It was clearly what he believed, which made me very sad. Everyone deserved someone.
We ate dinner together at the kitchen island. I noticed he stopped drinking after two glasses of wine.
“Want to stay over?” he asked.
I smiled. “I’d like that, but I don’t have any pajamas.”
He gave me a look. “I’ve seen you naked. You don’t need pajamas.”
We retired to the living room and watched a little TV. Rand continuously yawned. The poor guy could barely keep his eyes open. I wasn’t sure what had been going on at work, but it had definitely taken a toll on him. “Why don’t we head to bed?” I offered.
He checked the time. “I’m sorry. It’s been a long week, and I haven’t been sleeping well. With the food and the wine, I’m just done for.”
“Don’t be sorry,” I told him. “I’m tired too.”
He gave me one of his shirts to sleep in, which told me he was truly tired. Sex was off the table. It was a real sleepover. In many ways, that was more intimate than sex and then passing out together. I crawled into bed beside him, resting my cheek on his chest and closing my eyes.
“This is good,” he murmured.
I looked up, holding myself up to give him a kiss on the lips. “It is good. I hope you can get some sleep tonight. You don’t have to be up early tomorrow, do you?”
“Nope, I plan on sleeping in with you snuggled beside me,” he answered.
“That sounds like a plan, but I might need to let my boss know I’ll be late tomorrow,” I said with a laugh.
“I’m sure your boss will be just fine with that. I doubt that big, empty house is going to get dirty overnight.”
“Rand?”
“Yes?”
“You know we can be friends,” I told him.
“I thought we were,” he said with surprise.
“Yes, we are, but I mean, you can treat me like a friend and talk to me about things if you want. I assure you I am a vault. Whatever you tell me will not leave this room.”
“Thank you, but I really am fine,” he said, his voice a little gruff. “Things just got a little hectic. If I need a therapist, I’ll hire one.”
I had pushed too hard. I tended to do that. I could feel the tension in him and wanted to help. If he didn’t want to talk about it, I could accept that. I didn’t really have a choice. Being there with him was the best I could do. When he was ready to talk, he would.
For now, I would hold him and infuse him with my warm, nurturing vibes.
Chapter 23
Rand
I shook my head. I didn’t know what was happening. My mind felt foggy, blurry, as if I were stuck in a dark cloud. I looked around me, reaching out, trying to orientate myself to what was around me. Then I smelled the salty air.
I was on the beach. At first, I relaxed. I loved the beach. I spent a lot of time at the beach. I strolled along the sand, kicking at invisible things. The serene feeling evaporated, replaced with something sinister. It was like a heavy cloak. I tried to push it off. I didn’t want it on me. I didn’t want to be touched by the unseen darkness.
My vision was clouded as dark fog closed in around me. Something was pulling me closer to the edge of the water. I reached out my arms, stretching, trying to feel anything. Then, the fog cleared, and I saw the waves rolling in. They weren’t especially big or aggressive, but something about them made me uneasy.
I strained my eyes to see whatever it was that caught my eye on the horizon. Out of nowhere, the sun burst onto the scene. I winced, looking away from the bright light in the sky.
The sun was too bright. It blinded me, leaving me seeing spots. I held up my arm, shielding my eyes as I stared out into the sea. There was a sense of urgency gripping me, but I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be running to or running from.
I caught a glimpse of a small hand reaching for the sky a split second before it disappeared. At first, I thought I was seeing things. Then, it came up again, waving back and forth.
Someone was in the water and struggling.
Panic tore through me. I tried to move my legs to save the drowning person. I could swim. I knew how to swim really well. My brain told my legs to move, but nothing happened. I couldn’t move! It was as if my feet were stuck in quicksand.
I tried with all my might. My legs were solid as tree trunks rooted in the same soil for over a hundred years. There was a disconnect between my brain and my legs. I tried to call out, but words wouldn’t form. I had to get help!
I heard myself moaning as I waved my arms, struggling to get the attention of someone, anyone. Then I realized there wasn’t anyone else on the beach. It was just me. I was all alone and had to get help.
I dug deep within my soul, demanding my legs move. I was the person’s only hope. I saw the shape of the hand reach up again, backlit by the sun, making the hand appear to be nothing more than a silhouette. I cried out, my legs finally cooperating. I began to run toward the water’s edge.
My legs pumped along with my heart pounding against my chest. I kept running, but I couldn’t get close. The more I ran, the farther away the water and the person drowning got. I didn’t give up. My legs were so tired, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop.
I cried out in frustration, angry at myself and angry at the circumstances. I shouted at the sun blinding my vision. I screamed at my legs to move faster. Something was wrong. I looked down and saw my adolescent legs, not the legs of the man I had become. I tried to slap at them, wondering what the hell was happening. My legs wouldn’t support me.
I fell forward, my hands hitting the sand a second before I felt it on my knees. I struggled to get back up, feeling clumsy and disjointed. I heard my name being shouted and looked left and right. No one was there.
I heard my name again. It was the person in the water. I managed to get up on the weak legs. I tried to shout that I was coming, but once again, my lips felt fused together. No words came out. I tried to jump, wave, do anything, but the scrawny legs under me refused to budge.
I felt tears on my cheeks as I cried in frustration. I cried, apologizing over and over for my inability to help, begging the person to hold on just a little longer. I couldn’t make my body work. I was completely helpless. The person disappeared under the water’s surface.
I stared in horror, waiting for them to resurface. I screamed something incoherent, trying to make them reappear.
They never came back. The sea had swallowed them up. I leaned forward, my hands on my childish knees before I started furiously slapping at my thighs. I was so angry. I had failed. I had let the person down. I was the only one there to save them, and I had failed.
The guilt slammed into me, bowling me over onto the sand, my arms spread wide beside me as I gasped and sobbed. I could feel the heat of the sun warming me. It made me even angrier. I didn’t want to be warm. I wanted to be in the water rescuing the drowning person.
“Rand! Rand! Rand!” I heard my name being screamed.
I turned my head, looking into the distance. The voice was familiar, but I couldn’t remember who it belonged to. I struggled to get to my feet, my legs weak and shaking. I looked around, feeling something dark closing in on me.
“You let them drown!” I heard the voice scream.
I searched the shore for the person screaming at me. I couldn’t see anyone. I was completely and utterly alone. There was no one there but the dark presence sucking me back down to the sand. I felt myself falling backward…
“Shit,” I blurted out, jerking and waking myself up from the tragic nightmare.
I ran my hand over my face, my brow was covered with sweat, as was my chest. Nicole was lying next to me, her warm body pressed against mine. I was shaken from the nightmare. It had been the same thing every night all week, ever since I had seen Demokritos. It was always like that after seeing him or someone else.
I threw off the blanket and carefully got out of bed. I headed for the kitchen, needing a cold glass of water. I grabbed a glass and filled it from the tap before sucking it down. I braced myself on the counter with both hands, trying to settle my nerves. The nightmare kept flashing in front of me. It had felt so real.
“Rand?” I heard Nicole’s voice.
“Hey, sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Is everything okay?” she asked, her voice sleepy as she rubbed her eyes.
I nodded. “Yes, fine. It was a nightmare.”
She studied me. “Do you have them often?” she asked.
I shook my head, lying directly to her. “No.”
“Do you remember what they are?” she asked. “I’ve heard if you talk about them, it works them out, and you won’t have them again.”
I smirked. “I doubt that.”
“Is it something you want to talk about?” she asked.
I shook my head. “No, not really. I don’t even remember it all that well. Just bits and pieces.”
In my mind, images from the nightmare danced around. I remembered it all, all too well. It wasn’t hard to remember the dream I had been having night after night, year after year. I had learned to block it out. Sometimes, I drank to dull the images. I knew she would definitely not approve of that.
“Maybe some tea?” she offered.
I shook my head. “I’m fine. Go back to bed. I’ll be there shortly.”
“Are you sure?” she asked in a gentle tone, her hand resting against my back. “I don’t mind staying up with you for a bit.”
I appreciated her kindness and her offer of support, but there was little she could do to help me. It was my demons, and all the talking about it in the world wasn’t going to make them go away. Nothing could make them disappear. I was destined to live with the nightmares for the rest of my life. I had accepted that a long time ago.
“I’m okay, really,” I told her. “I’m just going to step out and get some fresh air.”
“Great, I’ll come with you.”
I turned to look at her and saw the determination in her eyes. She was
going to fix me, come hell or high water. It pissed me off and flattered me at the same time. I was happy she wanted to fix me. Then again, she was a natural fixer.
“Nickie,” I whispered, putting my hand against her cheek.
She smiled. “Nickie? You’ve never called me that before.”
“Does anyone call you that?”
She slowly shook her head. “No.”
“Then it’s mine,” I said, my voice low. “I get to call you that.”
“I’d like that.”
I gave her a kiss before taking her hand and walking out to the deck. There were a few clouds in the sky, giving the moon an eerie appearance. I sat down in one of the lounge chairs. My eyes focused on the sea I could barely see, but I could certainly hear it. I knew it was there. Living on the beach had been a personal penance. I listened to the waves crash against the rocks when it was angry, and I shouted back at it.
“It’s really pretty out here at night. It’s so peaceful,” she murmured from her chair beside mine.
“It’s peaceful, but never let the ocean fool you,” I said in a somber tone. “It’s deadly.”
She reached out and grabbed my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before pulling it back. We sat in silence for about thirty minutes. I could feel my body begin to relax and hoped I would be able to get a couple more hours of sleep. I had been dealing with the two in the morning wakeup call too many days in a row. I needed sleep.
“You ready to try and sleep?” she asked.
“I am.”
We got up and headed back to bed. I took a second to admire her ass cheeks peeking out from under the shirt she was wearing. If I weren’t so exhausted, I would have tried for a little hanky panky, but as it was, I doubted I was up for the task. I didn’t want to pass out on top of her.
I pulled her close against me, hoping her warm body could keep the nightmares at bay. She rested her cheek against my chest, her arm across my waist, gently hugging me. I couldn’t help but smile into the darkness. She offered so much comfort with the smallest gesture. I understood why my grandfather had been drawn to her. It gave me a great deal of comfort to know he had her with him those last months. She would have made his passing more peaceful.
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