Unicorns? Get Real!

by Kathryn Lasky

  Lady Merry had finally hoisted herself out of her chair and waddled in. “Princess! Princess! Yes, it is a terrible thing your mother, the empress, has done.” She wanted to say that the empress was not worth it, but stopped herself. Instead she said, “But don’t make yourself sick over it.”

  As if in answer, Princess Gundersnap’s face turned a sudden and rather noxious shade of green. There was a throaty gulp and then a splat as Gundersnap threw up the even dozen s’morls she had eaten that morning. It all landed right on the letter.

  “Oh ick!” said Kristen.

  Gundersnap looked down at the mess and blinked. “Ingen Gutschatz mychenbatuz schumckenhaben Mummy,” which roughly translated from Slobo meant, “I wish it was on Mummy’s head!”

  Chapter 3

  GUNDERSNAP’S BRIGHT IDEA

  The next morning Princesses Myrella, Kristen, and Alicia were excused from needlepoint so they could visit Gundersnap in the infirmary. Kristen had a vial of tummy powders from Gortle tucked beneath her kirtle, along with a note for Gundersnap.

  “It works, miladies,” Gortle had said to them after he gave the vial to Kristen. “Lady Merry tells me that old Nurse Bodkin hasn’t moved out of the thirteenth century with her cures. I remember Gundersnap writing me about some horrible remedy Bodkin had for a sinus condition.”

  “Held open the beak of a live sparrow and made you stick your nose in it,” Alicia said. “Absolutely horrid, and the sparrow had bad breath!”

  This prompted Kristen to recount for at least the fifth time the story of how she had cut her foot swimming and the old biddy Bodkin was set to do the maggot therapy on her. “Said it would prevent a scar. I said, who’s going to look at the bottom of my foot anyhow? I’d rather have a scar than a bunch of maggots eating at a banquet table that just happens to be my foot.”

  The infirmary was empty, but on one side of the room a door with the words “Medicinal Menagerie” painted on it in gold was slightly open. The room behind the door gave them the absolute creeps, but they could not resist a peek. From where they stood, they could see jars filled with all sorts of disgusting things. One held a writhing mass of maggots. Another contained a murky liquid floating with leeches. On a table a small population of toads hopped about in a terrarium. A label on its side read “Nurse Bodkin’s Special Spotted Toads for Treatment of Warts.” A second terrarium was asquirm with lizards.

  The girls jumped back as the door swung wide open and Nurse Bodkin came out with a large bird perched on her arm. She was a strange-looking woman. Her complexion was sallow, and her skin crackled like an old manuscript. Her nose, however, was a vivid purple, with a tracery of minuscule blood vessels that reminded the princesses of exploding fireworks.

  “Good grief, it’s that stupid caladrius bird, Rufus,” muttered Princess Kristen.

  “What’s that?” asked Myrella.

  “I was just about to administer the CBDE on your friend Princess Gundersnap, dear.” Nurse Bodkin said.

  “The C-B what?” Alicia asked.

  “The Caladrius Bird Diagnostic Evaluation. We did it with your foot, Kristen, to determine if you were going to die of blood poisoning. Very accurate.”

  “Accurate, my foot!” Kristen said in a low, sarcastic voice. “I could have told her that without the bird.”

  “As a matter of fact, Your Highnesses, would you mind taking Rufus to Princess Gundersnap’s bed. I’ll be there in a moment, but I have to go lance a boil.”

  “Oh, don’t worry about it, Nurse Bodkin,” Princess Alicia said. “We’ll take care of everything.”

  Princess Kristen stuck out her arm, and the bird stepped onto it.

  Before she even greeted Gundersnap, Princess Kristen walked to the window, opened it, and stuck her arm out. “Scram, you quack! It’s only modern medicine here. Go find a real job.” The bird blinked at her as if he didn’t quite believe what she was saying was true. Then it spread its wings and flew off.

  Alicia giggled. “Kristen, you’ll get in trouble.”

  “I’ll think of something.”

  “What is it with the bird, anyhow? If the caladrius looks at you, you’ll live. If it looks away, you die?” Alicia asked.

  “Something like that,” Kristen said, and turned to Gundersnap. “But how are you feeling, Gunny? Gortle sent some tummy powders.”

  Princess Gundersnap just sighed. “I must be practical. There is absolutely nothing I can do about this. So I must clear it from my mind and not vorry, I mean worry.” Still, there was a sadness in Gundersnap’s eyes that touched them all. She held in her hands a little leather pouch.

  “What’s that?” Alicia asked.

  Gundersnap’s eyes filled with tears. “Gortle gave it to me with the letter. It’s strands from Menschmik’s mane. They always cut a pony’s mane when it goes into battle. It…it’s not practical!” She shut her eyes very tightly, as if to will away her tears. When she opened them again, there was a new brightness.

  “I have just had an idea.” She paused. “I mean, it’s more than just an idea. You know the problem with Menschmik seems hopeless, doesn’t it?” She looked at the three princesses with mournful eyes. “Admit it, it does.” Alicia, Myrella, and Kristen nodded their heads softly.

  “Yes, I suppose so,” Myrella said in barely a whisper.

  “But,” Gundersnap said, suddenly chipper, “Myrella doesn’t know about Berwynna.”

  “Ber-who?” Myrella asked.

  “Berwynna! I must go to the Forest of Chimes and find her. If anyone can help me, it’s Berwynna.”

  “What a brilliant idea!” Alicia exclaimed. She turned to Myrella, who knew nothing of Berwynna or the unfinished tapestry or the Ghost Princess that Alicia and Kristen and Gundersnap had encountered the last session. “I was the first to discover Berwynna,” Alicia said. “She is a little old lady, and a very strange one at that. She lives in the Forest of Chimes. It is said that she is Merlin the magician’s sister. Her magic isn’t half as good or half as strong, and sometimes she messes up a little bit. But she gave us hints about the unfinished tapestry, which was really the key to it all,” Alicia said. “I mean, the key to the Ghost Princess and why my bird finally did sing.”

  “Why yes, it sang brilliantly,” Myrella said, bewildered. “You won the Color Wars for us with his song. No cheating. But a Ghost Princess?”

  “No cheating at all, even though magic was involved,” Alicia said firmly. “You see, the unfinished tapestry was almost like a crystal ball. It told us things—not every little thing, but it gave hints.” Alicia sighed. “But it’s finished now. There is nothing else to tell.”

  Gundersnap cast her eyes down. She had not told them about the dim traces of the unicorn—that indeed the tapestry might still be unfinished. She had more important things to think about. This isn’t about the tapestry, she told herself. Not at all. And certainly not about unicorns!

  “The tapestry is finished,” Gundersnap said firmly, “but that doesn’t mean Berwynna can’t help. She’s the only one who can help me, really. Help Menschmik.” Gundersnap’s voice broke again, and tears brimmed in her eyes.

  “But how did you first meet her, Alicia?” Myrella asked.

  “Well, you see,” Alicia began slowly. “You remember when I was castled?”

  “How could anyone forget?” Myrella said. Alicia had been castled for being rude to the Duchess of Bagglesnort. Being castled meant that Alicia could not leave the confines of not just the castle, but the South Turret. “I wasn’t quite as ‘castled’ as one might think. The very day I was castled, I snuck out into the Forest of Chimes, and that’s when I met her.”

  “You did?” Myrella said. She could not believe how daring these princesses were. Oh, how much fun she would have this session. “When can we go to the Forest of Chimes?”

  “I must go alone first,” Gundersnap said. “This is my problem, but when I learn more…”

  Just then Nurse Bodkin poked her head in. “Ready for the CBDE? My dear?”

/>   “Oh dear, Nurse Bodkin. I’m afraid the Rufus flew out the window. It was open slightly,” Alicia said, crossing her fingers.

  “Oh…oh…” Nurse Bodkin’s pale-gray eyes darted around the chamber in confusion. “Well, he’ll come back, I’m sure. They always do. I’ll get the backup bird.”

  “Oh, no need,” Gundersnap said quickly. “I feel fine. My tummy’s fine.”

  “My, what a remarkable recovery!” Nurse Bodkin said. “But you should still eat lightly, Your Highness, for the next twenty-four hours: calf’s-foot jelly, no greasy meat, avoid rich desserts, and s’morls are out!”

  “Oh yes, Nurse. Never another s’morl, never.”

  Chapter 4

  BIDING ROYAL TIME

  Nurse Bodkin continued to call out instructions to the princesses as they hurried down the long corridor, but they were planning how they could sneak off to the hidden turret to have another look at the tapestry while Gundersnap went to the Forest of Chimes.

  “Miladies! Makeup, cosmetics! You’re late. The duchess is waiting.” A maid stopped them.

  “Oh, dung of a pig!” exclaimed Kristen.

  “Tell the Snort that I’m still too sick to come. I have to go now.”

  “It’s still winter, though,” Myrella said.

  “Alicia, can I borrow your bear-paw model snowshoes?” Gundersnap asked.

  “Oh, lucky you!” Kristen said. “I’ve been trying to borrow them forever.”

  “This is a life-or-death situation, Kristen.” Alicia immediately regretted her words as she saw Gundersnap turn pale. “I mean…I mean…it’s just very important that Gundersnap get to the Forest of Chimes as quickly as possible. They’re under my bed, Gundersnap, by the stack of old Royal We’s.”

  “All right, I’m off! Have fun in makeup!”

  “Oh yes, of course, makeup! About as much fun as a romp on the torture chamber rack,” Kristen muttered.

  Along with half a dozen other princesses, Alicia, Myrella, and Kristen filed into the Salon de Beauté. Over the door hung a needlepoint banner that showed the face of the Duchess of Bagglesnort herself in full cosmetic glory. She wore every adornment and trick, from an enticing beauty spot near the corner of her mouth to a head full of braids and ringlets artfully attached to her own hair. Stitched at the bottom of the banner were the words “Adornment is a Duty, Not an Indulgence.”

  The Duchess of Bagglesnort was full of such sayings and was constantly referring to what she so cutely called “the beauty duty.” And she always began each class with a little beauty proverb or epigram. Now she tapped a mascara wand for attention. “Princesses, welcome to the Salon de Beauté. I should like to begin with a wise and very profound saying by one of the great beauties of all times.” She smiled sweetly and tried to blush. “Me. And here are my first words of advice: Trickery in service to beauty is honorable.”

  “In other words, cheat!” Kristen whispered.

  “And I have devised a new trick to serve our needs.” Her eyes scanned the room. “Now where is that drab little Slobodk princess?”

  “Recovering, ma’am,” Alicia said. “She’s had a terrible bout of tummy troubles.”

  “Oh dear, I hope they didn’t make her look any pastier than she already is,” the duchess said in a disgustingly sweet voice.

  Kristen rolled her eyes.

  “What are you rolling your eyes about, Princess Kristen? It is not an attractive gesture, particularly for a flame child.” The Snort referred to Kristen as a flame child because of her vivid coloring and intensely red hair. She rapped on the table again with her mascara wand. “Now attention. We have a new hair exercise. Blondes on this side, and others over here, and oh dear, where to put our flame children?” She looked at Princess Maggie of Schottlandia, whose hair was even redder than Kristen’s.

  Then she walked over to Kristen and lifted one of her tresses. “Hmmm.” She pressed her lips together and studied the hair.

  “I’m an other, aren’t I, ma’am, and so is Maggie?”

  “No,” the duchess said sharply. “You and Maggie are in a category all by yourselves. Stand over there, the two of you.” She rang a bell. Fifteen maids with baskets filed into the room. “These are the new attendants of the coiffeuse, the hair maids. They bring with them baskets of additional hair—braids, curls, and cascades. We shall begin by attempting to attain a perfect match between the hair that grows out of your scalp and the hairpieces in the basket.” She paused, then looked from Kristen and Maggie to the woman who appeared to be the chief attendant of the coiffeuse. “Flame children.” She nodded toward Kristen and Maggie. “Always a problem. They flare!”

  “No problem, ma’am,” Kristen said. “I’ve never taken much to fake hair.”

  The Duchess of Bagglesnort’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. “You think this is artificial hair? I would never put a strand of those terrible wooly hairpieces on my head or the head of a princess!” She turned to the hair maids. “Hair maids, remove your mobcaps.” In unison the maids pulled off their puffy white caps. The princesses all gasped in disbelief.

  “Bald!” exclaimed Alicia.

  “Chaume!” whispered Princess Parisiana in Chantillip.

  “Skallet!” croaked a princess from the distant north.

  “Schuben!” said another princess.

  “Gragg!” Kristen said in the ancient language of the Isles of the Salt Tear in the Realm of Rolm.

  “Yes,” trilled the Duchess of Bagglesnort. “They are all bald, bald as billiard balls!” She ran her hand over one of the hair maid’s shiny scalps. “We pay them a good price. Twenty schmilders an inch. We harvested at the end of last session. Then they will grow it out for the rest of the year.”

  Twenty schmilders! Alicia thought. Twenty schmilders is nothing. And their poor heads must get cold.

  There was a sharp little cry and then a thud as Princess Beba, a new camper, collapsed on the floor in a swoon. She had been standing with the blondes, her own luxuriant hair spilling in cascades down her back. “No one ever cuts their hair in the Kingdom of Marlont,” someone whispered.

  “Yes, to have short hair is considered uncivilized.”

  “Loutish.”

  “It’s like going naked in public.”

  “Pay attention! Pay attention. The footmen will remove her,” the duchess said, stepping over the fallen princess. Princess Beba was gone less than ten minutes while the duchess explained the intricacies of blending the various shades of hair.

  When the princess came back into the Salon de Beauté, she walked unsteadily.

  “She’s transparent!” Alicia said in a hushed voice.

  “Well, it was such a shock,” someone else said.

  “Dead, she looks totally dead,” Kristen said.

  “Totally!” Myrella echoed.

  “Gorgeous!” the Snort exclaimed, and rushed to Princess Beba. “Simply gorgeous. Now, Miladies, this is just the pallor we try to attain with our powders and clay. It is the classic swoon pallor—white with a hint of ash!” Princess Beba swayed a bit, and her eyes opened wide. Was she going to faint again? There was a sudden gagging noise, and then from the princess’s mouth something jetted out in a great gush.

  “Holy monk bones!” Alicia exclaimed.

  “She spewed!” said Princess Kinna.

  “She threw up!” said Myrella.

  “She barfed,” said Kristen.

  “Gutsfop,” said the princess from the far north.

  The duchess’s face was not the classic pallor, but was covered in an olive green slime. A look of sheer terror filled her eyes. She gave a little yelp and then collapsed on the floor.

  Kristen stepped over the limp body and snapped her fingers. “Footman! Will you kindly remove the Duchess of Bagglesnort.”

  “Princess Beba, by the wits of Saint Janny! Your color has returned,” Alicia exclaimed.

  “Saint Janny? Who’s she?” Princess Beba asked.

  “It’s not a she. It’s a he. Saint Januarius, patron
saint of blood. You see, Princess Beba….” Alicia began to speak. She was known for her fascination with saints, particularly the gory details of their deaths and martyrdoms. “His blood was preserved and dried, and on his feast day it is said that the dried blood liquefies.”

  “You don’t say!” Princess Beba replied. She seemed suddenly quite perky. The other princesses pressed closer now to hear every gruesome little detail.

  “Have you ever seen the dried blood liquefy, Princess Alicia?” Beba asked.

  “I have!” a voice from the rear of the Salon de Beauté spoke up.

  “Wouldn’t you know it!” whispered Myrella.

  It was Princess Morwenna, that unsettling and obnoxious mix of piety and spite. She made her way up to the front of the salon. Placing her hand lightly on her chest as if counting the beats of her reverent heart, she arranged her face into a most mournful expression. “One has to possess an extreme spirituality in order to witness the holy liquification.”

  “Spirituality, my butt!” Kristen growled.

  “The prayer that I always say as I stand before the relic blood on the feast day is—”

  Myrella gave a very large yawn for someone so small. “Speaking of feasts, I’m hungry. Let’s get out of here before the Snort recovers.”

  “Yeah, let’s go to the Princess Parlor for morning tea,” Princess Kinna said. All the princesses rushed out of the Salon de Beauté, leaving Morwenna with her hands clasped in prayer reciting a psalm about blood and vengeance and bad people who “drinketh blood.”

  Chapter 5

  BERWYNNA THE IMPOSSIBLE

  Meanwhile, Princess Gundersnap made her way into the Forest of Chimes. She was sweating mightily, for spring had come suddenly and snowshoes were of absolutely no use, not to mention her fur-lined cloak, earmuffs, and mittens. The warm weather would present problems on her return, for the moat would have thawed, and if she did not get back until evening, the bridge would be up and she would have to swim. She had already passed her intermediate swim test last session, an achievement of which she was especially proud.