Will of a Tiger

by Iris Yang

  Again, without proper identification, he was shoved back and forth within the bureaucracy. He couldn’t locate his regiment. This time, nobody was willing to help him. Everything was in chaos. After several days of frustration and anger, he made a decision. Deserter or not, I don’t give a damn. If they don’t want me, then sure as hell, I don’t want them!

  Wu Pan was young and healthy. It was easy for him to get a job as a porter at the harbor. Lots of people were needed to transport goods and military supplies from the Mainland. His muscular body allowed him to make enough money to eat well and to share a shabby dorm with a dozen coolies. For almost a year he lived a simple, labor-intensive life. Then his luck ran out again.

  On a warm autumn evening, he tripped on a wobbly ramp and tumbled ten feet onto the concrete below. A heavy wooden box toppled with him and cracked open. Bottles of wine exploded and glass shattered, cutting his face and body. He lay curled up on the ground and grunted in pain, holding his fractured arm and dislocated shoulder. The air reeked of wine.

  A foreman rushed over. Seeing the broken goods, he yelled and kicked Wu Pan in the ribs. “Stupid pig! I’ll see to it you are fired.”

  And sure enough, Wu Pan was laid off. A coolie had no rights and received no compensation for an accident. For three days he stayed in the dorm, and then his fellow coolies rented the space to someone else.

  He left the only shelter he had. Unable to lift his arm, he couldn’t work, so he picked trash and begged for food. Wu Pan grew weaker, and the possibility of finding a job grew slimmer. He was homeless and slept on the street.

  Without a home, family, or friends, he was an easy target. Roving gangs bullied him from time to time. He was too frail to defend himself.

  Chapter 43

  “Bastards!” Birch fumed after Wu Pan had finished his story. He didn’t know to whom he was referring. The Communist Party? The Nationalist Army and government? The street punks? All three were bastards. He’d heard two horrible stories on the same night—one friend had been beaten to death by the Communists, and the other had lost everything and almost starved to death under the Nationalist government.

  “A tiger would be bullied by dogs when he ended up in a treeless prairie,” Wu Pan quoted an old Chinese saying. He knotted his thin hands in his lap to keep them from trembling.

  “Yeah,” Birch agreed with a helpless sigh. Then he said, “No one is going to bully you anymore. Stay with us. We need…a driver. You can—”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Honestly, you don’t need a driver.”

  “Yes, we do. Xiao Mei takes a bus to go to the market. She doesn’t want to bother me. You can—”

  “I’m bad luck. Look at me. My mom died because of me—”

  “Don’t be absurd.” Birch waved a hand. “Dammit! We lived through the Japs’ bullets. Sure as hell, we won’t let peacetime break us.”

  “Birch, you don’t have to do this—”

  “Yes, I do!” Birch slammed the steering wheel. “If we don’t take care of each other, no one else will.”

  Wu Pan put a hand on Birch’s arm, his eyes glistening. “Thank you. As soon as I get back on my feet, I’ll find a place to stay.” Tightening his grip, he added, “I owe you.”

  The next fifteen months passed uneventfully. By March 1952, Birch had been running his flying club for over two years. He was often surprised by the deep satisfaction it gave him.

  “Birch?”

  He heard a familiar voice behind him and thought it was one of the mothers. Dressed in a khaki shirt and trousers, he was getting ready to leave the field on this Sunday afternoon. “Yes?” he answered, turning around. Instantly, he froze.

  The woman standing in front of him was Mary!

  He should have known. He’d smelled the familiar scent of her perfume.

  “How are you?” she asked. “You…you look great.” She seemed stunned. Her eyes traveled up and down his body.

  Birch didn’t reply. He was in shock. His eyes opened wide and stared at the face that had appeared in his dreams countless times. Mary didn’t look a day older than when he’d last seen her.

  Seven years. He hadn’t seen her for almost seven years! Oh, he’d imagined meeting her so many times. He’d wanted to look for her and ask her to come back. He would have begged her to stay if he thought that it would help. But he hadn’t done any of those things. Hurt feelings. Hard-bitten pride. Self-pity over his physical condition. The woman had taken a piece of his heart.

  What is she doing here? Is she looking for me, to return that piece of my heart? Questions flooded his mind. One look at her face and he could barely breathe. His heart pounded as it had when they’d first met. The feelings he’d tried so hard to bury rushed back.

  “Birch,” said Mary, speaking in English. “This is Tony Zhu, my…husband.” She indicated a man standing next to her. Her right arm circled his arm, and her left hand rested on her bulging belly. A telltale pink stained her cheeks.

  Birch’s heart tightened as he realized she wasn’t alone—she was with another man, and she was pregnant. He’d been so excited to see her that he hadn’t noticed anyone else. Out of habit, he stretched his arm and shook hands with the man.

  A boy came running toward them with a red model airplane.

  “Johnny is Tony’s son. Oh, no, no,” Mary corrected, “our son. Right, darling?” She turned to her husband, a giant smile on her face. “Sorry, his Chinese isn’t very good. Tony grew up in the States.”

  “I’m glad you’re here to pick him up.” Birch squeezed his words through numb lips. He hadn’t spoken English since Danny’s death. His face had turned to stone.

  “Thank you, Birch. Johnny is crazy about airplanes,” said Tony, readjusting his steel-rimmed glasses. He was a fine-looking man in his early-forties. “It took me awhile to find a good club like yours.”

  Birch nodded, not trusting himself to speak further.

  With one arm circling Mary’s shoulders, Tony touched her stomach. “Perhaps,” he said cheerfully, “he’ll join your club when he’s old enough.”

  Mary smiled awkwardly. “Well, goodbye, Birch. See you next weekend.” She walked away, hand-in-hand, with her husband, leaving the scent of her perfume behind. The boy with the red airplane bounced alongside his father.

  Chapter 44

  Birch stood perfectly still after they disappeared from view. He was shattered.

  He loved Mary. She was part of the reason he’d survived. After so many years, he’d known that she wouldn’t come back, but that hadn’t stopped him from hoping. What if she changed her mind? Now, seeing her with another man and pregnant with his baby vanquished any hope of reuniting with her.

  Birch sent off the rest of the children while in a haze. Once the last boy had left, he slumped to the ground as if someone had punched him in the stomach. He pulled the ring off his left pinky. Staring at the dazzling gold band he’d planned to give Mary, he felt its weight in his palm. What a fool he’d been!

  Pain, betrayal, and loneliness swept over him. In exasperation, he took his frustration out on the jewelry. Raising his right arm, he threw it toward the edge of the woods. The moment it left his hand, he regretted it. The wedding band had belonged to his mother, not to Mary. It was his family’s heirloom. Quickly, he stood up and ran after it. In his haste, he forgot about his disability, and fell, hitting the ground hard.

  “Damn it!” For several seconds he could only lie there and suck one breath after another. His fist hit the earth a few times before he pushed himself up.

  The ring had dropped into a ditch near the woods. If there was water, or if it was muddy, he would never find it. Luckily, the spot was dry, and the gold shone on top of the dirt. He slid into the ditch and picked up the ring, pressing his fist to his chest.

  Seven years ago, he’d lain in a trench, waiting to die, yet struggling to survive. The combination of his promise to Danny and his love for Mary had kept him alive. Now, he had no way t
o fulfill his promises. He hadn’t found anyone—not Jasmine, not Danny, not Jack. And the woman he loved had left him. His struggle to live, so important at the time, suddenly seemed meaningless.

  Beyond his grief, Birch had reservations about the political situation. The war against Japan had ended long ago, but China was now torn between the Communists and the Nationalists. He couldn’t even set his foot on the Mainland, where he’d spent years fighting. Birch seriously questioned his past. He was hurt in the present. And he had little hope for the future.

  With shaky hands, he reached into his pockets, eager to light a cigarette. After going through all of them, he remembered that he’d left the pack in his bag. He was dying to smoke, but he was too drained to climb out of the ditch.

  The sun sank below the tree line. A breeze stirred the nearby woods, making the cypress trees rustle and the pines sigh. The night was chilly with a sharp bite to the wind. Despite the uncomfortable temperature, hunger, and thirst, Birch just lay there. The house wasn’t far up the hill, and all the lights were on, yet he had no energy to move. Not even when he heard Xiao Mei calling him.

  The night was lonely and quiet. Occasionally a frog croaked, a bird sang, crickets bickered in the grass. Fireflies winked at him from the leafy shadows. Alone in the darkness, Birch thought of his loved ones, now gone. For years he’d put on a brave face for his father’s sake, for his family’s name, for his own pride as a hero. He was the courageous Tough Tiger to most people, and a hero, a leader, and Big Brother Birch to the young villagers. He was beloved Uncle Birch to his flying pupils. But underneath, he was a broken man.

  Surrounded by blackness, witnessed by no one but the stars and a thin sliver of the moon, he wept. The tears he’d suppressed for years tumbled through his clenched hands. The last time he’d cried like this was back in jail when he realized Danny had left the chance of life to him. Why did you take my place? Why didn’t you let me die? Folding his arms around his amputated leg, he curled up at the bottom of the ditch. Only in the wee hours did he fall asleep.

  In his dream, he saw Danny walking toward him.

  “You wasted your life for nothing,” said Birch.

  Danny hovered above him with a disappointed look on his face.

  “I’m just a Paper Tiger, not a real Tiger as you and Daisy thought.”

  Danny stared at Birch with his gold-flecked brown eyes and shook his head. After a few moments, he floated away, a white scarf flapping behind him.

  “Don’t go, Danny!” yelled Birch. “I have so much to tell you, and we didn’t even say goodbye!” He stretched out his arms, trying to grab his brother, but caught nothing except air.

  His scream woke him and he lay shivering in the early-morning cold. Dew covered his face, hair, and clothes. The dawn turned the sky to gray.

  A porch light was still on when Birch trudged home at daybreak.

  “What happened?” Xiao Mei hurried toward him, staring at his stained clothing.

  He was too drained to answer. Pieces of grass dangled in his unkempt hair.

  “Thank God you’re back. Hurry—”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “General…your father—”

  “What happened?”

  “I don’t know for sure. He fainted last night. I called Captain Wu, and we sent the general to the hospital—”

  Birch spun round and headed to his car. His gait was gawky and uneven, but he limped as fast as his artificial leg allowed.

  Xiao Mei leaped forward and caught his arm. “I’ll go with you.”

  Chapter 45

  “General Bai had a heart attack,” said the doctor, his voice dark and foreboding. “He survived. But he’s in bad shape. You’d…better talk to him. And…let him eat whatever he wants.”

  Birch stood perfectly still. His father had not been in good health for a while, but he was only sixty-two. “How long?” he asked.

  “No way to be sure; perhaps a few weeks.”

  Birch sucked in a harsh breath. An acrid smell of antiseptics hung in the air, aggravating his sense of loss. He squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds to calm himself, then with a sinking heart and a stone face, he walked into his father’s hospital room.

  “Come with me.” As soon as Birch walked away, Wu Pan took Xiao Mei’s arm.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Just come with me.” He tugged a little harder and led her down the hallway.

  “What’s going on?”

  Taking a deep breath, Wu Pan grabbed her hands and looked into her eyes. “Marry me, Xiao Mei!”

  “What?”

  “Marry me,” he repeated in a louder voice, assuming a militant stance with feet apart and shoulders squared. It had been fifteen months since Birch had rescued him from the dark alley. Now in his early thirties, Wu Pan was back in shape. His body was trim, his thighs lean and muscular. Emotionally, he was stronger than he’d ever been.

  Xiao Mei pulled her hands away.

  “Please!”

  “I can’t.” Her voice was soft but firm.

  “Please! General Bai is very sick. You can’t—” he stammered. “You know you can’t stay in the house alone with Birch.”

  She looked up, confused.

  Frustrated, Wu Pan wrestled with telling her the truth. “There are rumors circulating. Don’t you understand? They’re gossips about you and Birch. He’s famous. People like to talk about him, good or bad. If you stay here, if you’re with him alone, there’ll be more...” His voice trailed off sullenly.

  “Dear God. But…but we’re not…” In her simple white dress with turquoise stripes, Xiao Mei looked naïve, and much younger than her thirty years.

  “I know. I know. But it doesn’t matter what I think. People talk. Gossip can be nasty.”

  Her disbelief was mixed with contempt.

  “Marry me, before General Bai is too sick. We’ll ask his permission and his blessing.”

  She shook her head.

  “Am I not rich enough?”

  “You know me better than that.”

  “Then, why?”

  She stared at him then lowered her head. “You know the reason.”

  “Dammit!” Wu Pan exploded. He spat out his next words without thinking. “Why do you want to wait for an impotent cripple? He’s not going to get better.”

  “You scum!” Xiao Mei snarled, her eyes brimming with reproach. “What is wrong with you? Birch is so kind to you. If it weren’t for him, you’d be dead. You told me that yourself. How dare you—?”

  “No need to pretend, Xiao Mei. I know the truth.” Wu Pan swallowed hard, his face red with embarrassment. “I’ve followed you a few times…even when we were in Chungking. Deer Antler. You’ve been buying the yang booster for years, haven’t you?”

  Her instinct was to deny it, but she was too stunned to think. Hot color flooded her cheeks, and all she could do was grind her teeth. Xiao Mei thought the secret was hers, except for Linzi. She’d asked the villager to buy the herb when they lived in Yunnan, and had sworn him to secrecy.

  “It’s been over six years,” said Wu Pan with more confidence. He seized her hands again. “It hasn’t worked, has it? He won’t be the man—”

  “He’ll be okay. I know he will,” protested Xiao Mei, wrenching away from him. “All the doctors said he wouldn’t wake up. Look at him! Birch is a strong man. He’s getting better every day. I can see it. He will—”

  Wu Pan slipped through the opening she had left. “And when he’s strong, when he’s healthier, he’ll marry someone else, someone of his class. Someone like Mary—highly educated, rich, with family status. Either way, you lose. You have no chance. He’ll never be yours.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” shouted Xiao Mei. She took a deep breath. When she spoke again, her voice was low and shaky. “It doesn’t matter if he is mine or not. I’ll be happy for him if he marries someone else. I’m happy…as long as he’s happy.” Tears sprang to her eyes.

  “Marry me, Xiao Mei.” Wu Pan
softened. “I’m active and healthy. I can make enough money to support us. I’m crazy about you.” He gave an awkward grin. “I was taken with you the first time I tasted your cooking almost ten years ago.”

  Her lips parted, but no words came out.

  Wu Pan fished a white handkerchief out of his pants pocket and dabbed the tear on her cheek. “We won’t abandon Birch, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’m not an ungrateful person. He saved my life. I’ll never forget that. I swear on my mother’s grave that he’ll always be a part of our lives. If he doesn’t object, I’d love to be his sworn brother. You see, in this way, he would be family. He could be our children’s godfather, if you like.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Wu Pan threw up his hands in despair. “You’re a stubborn fool. Don’t waste your life, Xiao Mei. Don’t wait for someone who will never be yours. Marry someone of your own class.”

  “My life is fine as it is,” she said, chin set firm, shoulders squared. “I don’t plan to get married. Not to you. Not to anyone else.” She turned and ran away, leaving the former captain stunned and wounded.

  Chapter 46

  “I haven’t been a very good father,” said General Bai. Lying in the hospital bed, he looked haggard, very different from his usual appearance. He was surrounded by a whole host of tubes and an army of machines. “I never spent much time with you when you were growing up. I thought it was your mother’s job. A man’s job was to provide for the family. I wish we were closer. I wish we’d had more heart-to-heart conversations. It’s too late…”

  “Don’t say that, Dad,” uttered Birch, sitting on a chair close to the bed. His father’s sudden feebleness shocked and saddened him.

  “Listen,” panted the older man. Each breath became harder for him to take, but he had to talk before it was truly too late. “I’m proud of you. Your mother would be very proud, too. But Birch, if she were here, she’d be worried about you being alone. I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know how to handle it. It’s obvious you’re lonely. Son, marriage is part of life. Don’t—”