Bittersweet: An Equilibrium Novella

by Christina C Jones

  Her eyebrow lifted. “And what might that be?”

  Instead of offering a verbal answer, I leaned in, brushing my lips against hers. When she didn’t move away or present any resistance, I pushed in further.

  And then… her lips were so damn soft, I had to go in for more.

  She moaned a little as my fingers sank into the soft coils at the nape of her neck, pulling her into me as my tongue probed the seam of her mouth. That unspoken request made her part her lips, granted me access to tease and explore and taste, to… indulge.

  She’d been drinking hot chocolate.

  I could tell because she tasted like it, and I had every intention of kissing her until the flavor wore off… and then going in search of what the rest of her might taste like.

  She stopped us before I could get that far, though.

  “What the… what the hell are we doing?” she asked, pulling away from the kiss.

  My hand was still buried in her hair, a position I used for continued access to her skin, kissing along her neck, up to her ear. “Something long overdue, if you ask me.”

  “No. No, no, no,” she insisted, actually pushing me away this time, so she could get up from her seat at the bench. “We can’t… I can’t.”

  “Can’t what?” I asked, joining her in standing. “And why not?”

  “Can’t… sing duets, and kiss, and whatever the hell else,” she exclaimed, stepping backward to put distance between us. “This isn’t some fairy tale, where you’re my long-awaited Prince Charming. This is… real life. Where I get screwed over by every motherfucker I give a chance to. Even when it’s supposed to be casual. Does that answer it for you?” she asked, and then took one more step back. Only… there wasn’t any room for that.

  I darted forward, catching her by the hand before she could topple off stage. She put her hands to her chest as soon as I’d pulled her back onto solid footing, undoubtedly trying to calm her heart down.

  “You good?” I asked, wrapping an arm around her to pull her against my chest. “That was kinda close.”

  “I… I’m okay,” she agreed, halfway returning my hug, but not allowing it to linger. “Thank you. I… I need to finish closing up, and go ahead and get home.”

  “You want me to walk you?”

  “No,” she answered immediately, shaking her head. “Just… please go.”

  I nodded. “Okay. I will. Good night.”

  She offered her own parting words in a mumble that I didn’t take personal – because why would I? Sure, she was in a hurry to get away from me now – so much that she’d almost fallen off the stage. But even that fed into what had been a theory, but I knew now for sure.

  Anika wanted me.

  She just hadn’t admitted it yet… even to herself.

  Six

  Anika

  I still couldn’t believe he’d kissed me.

  A week had gone by now, and I was still reeling – still didn’t know how to act, how to be around him. Mostly, I just avoided him as much as humanly possible, not wanting to get caught in conversation, or staring, not wanting to indulge in any of the things I suddenly found so… palatable about him.

  He’d broken me.

  Even when I reached down deep, it was challenging to find the perpetual irritation that had served as such an impenetrable shield before.

  A shield I’d worked hard to build, and was not ready to let go of.

  “Are you even listening to me Nik?”

  I blinked, hard, turning my attention back to my cousin and the steaming mug of spiced chai in front of me. Jules sipped from her own cup, her gaze remaining level with mine as she waited for a response.

  “Sorry,” I admitted, shaking my head as I retrieved my drink from the table. “I wasn’t.”

  Beside me on the couch, Jules laughed. “Well, I at least appreciate the honesty.”

  We were perched in Urban Grind; in a moment of leisure I probably should have opted to spend somewhere I didn’t work, but… that would be too much like right. The truth was, I was still feeling a little bit of a sting from the sudden shift in work hours. My salary hadn’t changed or anything since I wasn’t hourly, but I hated the idea that Roman had looked at what I was doing and determined I needed help.

  Especially when that help had come from Royal.

  Between him and all these extra hours in the day, I didn’t know what to do with myself lately. So here I was, at work but not at work, because I was simply so used to being here at UG.

  “I bet I know why you’re so distracted…”

  I raised an eyebrow at Jules as I sipped. “Why?”

  “Well… I was gonna just wait until you spilled the beans yourself, but since you’re taking so long… Aunt Darcy told me about you and Royal.”

  At those words, too big of a sip spilled down my throat, making me cough and choke over the hot liquid.

  “I know, it wasn’t really her business to tell, and you’d have told me if you wanted to, but I… I think it’s great, Nik,” Jules said, offering a pat on my back to help clear my air passages. “I know you were on your whole real ass bitch give a fuck ‘bout a nigga thing, but that’s not… you, you know? I know you, and I know how much you enjoy companionship, so I’m glad to see you opening yourself up to that again. And Royal… is fine. Like, you really came out the gate with a ten, bih!”

  I sucked in a deep sigh and then let it back out, not even knowing where to start. There was a definite need to correct what Jules thought was happening – my own fault for not telling her about any of this, but the shit was embarrassing.

  And hearing how excited she was about my non-existent relationship with Royal really didn’t make it any better.

  “You don’t have to say anything,” she told me in a soothing voice, holding up a hand. “Of all people, you know I know better than to try to push a conversation the other person isn’t ready to have. This is a major shift for you, so it’s probably difficult to articulate, and it's confusing and just… a lot. So you don’t have to say anything, tell me anything until you’re ready. I just want you to know I’m so happy for you. And if you do want to talk, I’m right here.”

  “Um… I appreciate that,” I said, trying to swallow the lump that had built in my throat.

  It was true.

  I honestly appreciated the sentiment she was conveying, even if it was about as opposite my actual situation as could be. Jules’ sunniness was just one thing I adored about her, and this show of support without any pressure was only one of the reasons I thought of her as a sister.

  But… the fact was, if she and I were sisters, she would be the sister that had everything she was supposed to, the sister that was on track. The sister who worries about the other, lonely one, who loves that sister dearly despite the fact that she can’t seem to catch up.

  Jules thought I was catching up.

  Only, I wasn’t, and that made this whole conversation feel like a knife to the gut.

  “Um… are you guys getting Marshall and his family anything for Christmas?” I asked, trying to change the subject to something that would feel lighter.

  Jules nodded. “Yeah, like a truckload of diapers and wipes. I’ve gotta go get more now that I’m not going to have to kidnap you and force you to come with us.”

  My eyebrows went up. “Huh?”

  “Don’t you huh me,” she laughed. “Aunt Darcy also told me about their trip, which you failed to mention when we were talking about how you were spending Christmas,” she scolded. “I was fully prepared to throw you over my shoulder and make you come with us so you wouldn’t be by yourself, but then Auntie told me about popping up on you and finding Royal there. She said you would be with him for the holidays, which… whew. That really relieved me.”

  “I’m glad your mind is at ease now,” I told her – the truth – without doubling down on my lie of omission. Before I could say anything else though, we were interrupted by one of the baristas sidling up to say something me.

  “Nik
, I know you’re off duty, but… something is wrong with one of the grinders,” she blurted, wringing her hands. “Mila is here, but something is wrong with one of the registers, and she’s trying to fix that. I just… I don’t want the grinding schedule to get thrown off.”

  Thank God.

  “You were right to come and get me,” I told her, relieved for the escape route she’d just inadvertently thrown my way. “Jules, I’ll catch up with you later,” I said, standing to gather my things.

  “We’re still on for lunch tomorrow, right?”

  “Umm…” I looked at my watch to check the date. “Actually, I open the coffeehouse tomorrow – I forgot about the schedule changing. Maybe a late lunch, early dinner kinda thing?”

  “I will meet you at Pot Liquor with bells on, babe. Just let me know what time when you can.”

  “It’s a plan, cousin,” I told her, kissing her cheek before I rushed off to see what was wrong with the coffee grinder.

  We had replacements planned for the first quarter of next year – newer technology that not only offered more varieties for grinding, but simply superior equipment that better preserved the integrity of the coffee beans. The current ones did the job, but they were older and somewhat moody, and honestly… one of the less-experienced baristas had likely overloaded or overworked it.

  Usually, having to deal with or fix one irritated me to no end.

  Today?

  I was glad as hell for it.

  It took me about an hour to get it going again, with the interruption of Mila popping through to thank me for taking on the task while she tended to the other managerial duties. Really though, she would’ve – and had – done the same thing for me. When we talked about being a family at UG, it wasn’t just for talk. We really did try to take care of each other.

  I lost myself in the work, and when I was done, I went back to the office to get my things so I could go home.

  But… as soon as I was alone, the thoughts and emotions I’d been avoiding hit me.

  Had I really been so bad at being alone that the people who loved me were comforted at the notion of me having a boyfriend?

  Or was I just overthinking it?

  Sure, I wanted to be partnered, just like Jules, just like my mother. I wanted to find “the one,” wanted the house, the kids, the life spent next to someone who adored me.

  Just not at the cost of my sanity or peace.

  Mama and Jules both respected that part – hell, they demanded it. At the first sign of me being mistreated or undervalued, one of them or both of them would be right in the mix, ready to go to war on my behalf. There wasn’t a single part of me that doubted my mother and favorite cousin had my best interests at the forefront of their hearts, but still.

  Their relief over my non-existent boyfriend stung.

  I thought I’d done an excellent job of presenting myself as whole, and happy, over these years of not dating. I was lonely sometimes, sure, but I filled the space with friends and family and peers, leaving room to get comfortable with my own company as well.

  But… maybe they’d seen through my little façade.

  Maybe as hard as I tried to be, and seem, okay with it… I just wasn’t.

  “A-nik-a,” I heard from behind me and quickly wiped the tear streaks from my face before I turned around.

  “Hey. I was just getting some stuff I left in here,” I explained. “I’ll be out of your way so you can have the office.”

  “You’re not in my way,” he said, his gaze remaining pinned to mine, and not letting up. “What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head and started moving to where I’d put my things done. “Nothing,” I lied, before hooking my purse strap over my shoulder.

  Before I could get the fingers of my gloves right to put them on, Royal was in front of me, hand under my chin to angle my face left to right. “Red nose, red eyes… why have you been crying if nothing’s wrong?”

  “None of your business. Hint, hint.”

  “Come on Anika,” he pleaded. “We’re better than that by now, right?”

  “Nothing has changed between us.”

  His eyebrows went up. “Nothing?” A little smirk spread across his lips. “So… you’re pretending that kiss didn’t happen?”

  “What kiss?”

  “Oh, so you forgot?” he chuckled.

  I shrugged. “No idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Okay… let me jog your memory then.”

  Suddenly, Royal’s lips were on mine.

  His hands at my waist, pulling me closer.

  His heat all over me, wrapping me in warm comfort.

  And I… I let it happen.

  Let myself get lost in the velvet-softness of his lips, the hot insistence of his tongue, the unexpected sensuality of his teeth nipping and nibbling in between kisses as he devoured my mouth. I let my gloves fall wherever they landed, opting to wrap my arms around his neck as I pushed myself against him. His hands drifted lower, gripping my ass through my leggings, pulling my lower half closer – close enough that I could feel his dick against my stomach.

  Then, he pulled away.

  “Remember now?”

  My lips were still tingling from the stimulation of contact with him as I backed up – tried to back up, with his hands still gripping my ass. I shook myself out of his hold, hastily repositioning my purse from where it had slipped down my arm.

  “That’s what you’re gonna do every time?” Royal called after me as I made a beeline for the door. “Run away?”

  I stopped in the doorway to turn to him, biting down on my kiss-swollen bottom lip. He looked so good today, in a blue sweater that matched his name, and clung to arms I knew were tatted and muscled and just… ugh.

  “Yes,” I answered. “If my options are running away, or…”

  “Or what, Anika?” He didn’t move. He just stood there, knowing exactly how good he looked, and felt, and tasted. “What the fuck are you so scared of?”

  I blinked, knowing exactly how to answer that question, but not really wanting to. But then, after a moment… I just told the truth.

  “You.”

  Before he could respond… I was gone.

  A good pair of fuzzy socks always made things better.

  It was a conclusion I’d come to a while ago, but had never been more grateful for than when I found myself half-tipsy from a little too much bourbon in my eggnog, screaming along to Christmas songs at the top of my lungs as I decorated my apartment for… just me, I guess.

  After my run-in with Royal, my emotions – and hormones – were high as hell, so I’d stopped by the store and spent way too much money buying up a bunch of Christmas décor. Including a tree, a purchase facilitated through Posh Petals, and conveniently delivered right to my door.

  I took a cold shower, then a hot bath, put on my favorite sweater, favorite leggings, and favorite fuzzy socks… then got right into drinking my feelings.

  “Ooooh, Donnie! You know you ain’t have to do us like this!” I screeched as This Christmas started blaring from my speakers. Noble and Josiah were out on their tour, and Brit and Raf were at his townhouse, which meant I had the building to myself. I didn’t have to consider anybody else as far as my volume was concerned, so I cranked the music up a little louder and sang along like I was putting on the show of my life while I hung the delicate glass ornaments on the tree – another beautiful purchase handmade from Riley.

  I was getting my whole entire life to the Temptations’ version of Silent Night when a knock at my door interrupted my damn falsetto. I’d only heard it because of a break in the music, and was tempted to simply ignore it until I realized what time it was.

  Late.

  I frowned as I grabbed the remote to turn the music down, then checked my phone to make sure I hadn’t missed a call with some kind of emergency.

  I had not.

  Annoyed, I walked up to the door, peering out of the peephole to see who it was.

  Royal.

 
“What the hell do you want?” I shouted through the door, not exactly keen on answering for him since there was no telling what else I might end up opening without a wall between us.

  “I’ll say it to your face,” he called back.

  Ugh.

  I unlocked and opened the door, but didn’t unlatch the chain. “Fine. Here’s my face. What do you want?”

  He held up my abandoned gloves, hat, and scarf, all articles I’d sorely missed when I fled his presence at the coffeehouse. “I was going to just leave it all outside your door, but… you’ve got the whole building jumping right now. So I figured you were up.”

  “Didn’t you close tonight?” I asked. “It’s almost one in the morning, and you just had to bring me this stuff?”

  Royal shrugged, his movement somewhat camouflaged by his own cold-weather protection. “Don’t you open the shop tomorrow? Can’t have you walking to work cold.”

  I stared at him for a moment, then unhooked the chair, opening the door wide enough to actually take my things from him. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He peeked past me into the apartment. “You’ve got it looking pretty festive in there, and sounding like a party. You’re expecting company?”

  “No.”

  He leaned against my doorframe, one thick eyebrow lifting on his entirely-too-handsome face. “Would you like some?”

  I opened my mouth to give him the “no” he likely expected before he even asked, but… it wouldn’t come out. Whether it was my heightened emotions or the alcohol, or goddamn Ariana Grande singing Wit it This Christmas in the background, but what actually came from my lips was…

  “Sure. Come in.”

  It shocked both of us.

  His eyes went wide, and hell, so did mine, but I stepped aside to give him room, and he stepped in, taking off his coat.

  “Do you want anything to drink?” I asked, once he’d stashed his coat, hat, and gloves, and was just standing in my apartment looking at me like I was what he wanted to quench his thirst.

  “Sure,” he shrugged. “I’ll have whatever you’re drinking.”