by Maya S Penn
I met my friend Asch on Tumblr, largely because we both like geeky stuff like anime and costuming. One day (long after we developed an online friendship), I discovered that we actually live in the same state! We don’t live close enough to hang out in person very often, but we do meet up at sci-fi and gaming conventions, like MomoCon and DragonCon. Then we talk online for the rest of the year. (I’ve also got friends who I originally met IRL but who have since moved into the digital realm—like Victoria, who I met in church not long before she moved with her family to Florida.)
Just because these friends are online friends doesn’t mean they can’t offer just as much support and companionship as your IRL versions. In fact, you can do lots of the same things with your online circle as your IRL friends. I’m constantly playing games, talking on Skype, or watching movies with my online crew (when we’re not talking about or working on our Big Ideas, that is!).
A WORD ABOUT INTERNET SMARTS AND SAFETY
Whenever we got access to our first computer, we almost certainly got a version of the “Internet safety talk”: don’t reveal your name or your address, or talk to strangers online. Of course, that probably went out the window as soon as you joined Club Penguin. It went even further out the window when digital communication (emails, text messages, online shopping, and networking and gaming) became a part of everyone’s daily lives. There are, however, some important things to keep in mind when making friends in the digital world. And here’s the most important one of all: Don’t be dumb. That’s right. Don’t do dumb things on the Internet.
It’s strange, isn’t it? I mean, everyone has been warned about what he or she should and should not do online. Everyone knows there are some comments you shouldn’t make, some pictures you shouldn’t post, some people you shouldn’t communicate with, and some details that you shouldn’t reveal about yourself. Everyone has thought, Oh I would never do [fill in the blank]. That’s weird [or gross or crude or just not the right thing to do]. All of us have rolled our eyes when our parents warned us—again—about exercising online smarts. And then so many of us promptly forget everything we know and go right ahead and do that dumb thing anyway, with little to no regard for the consequences. Don’t be one of these people. Remember that you cannot simply delete a post or a picture and expect it to be gone. Whatever you do online exists forever, lurking somewhere in the depths of some super-computer. Don’t be dumb. Exercising Internet smarts really is that plain and simple.
When Good Friends Drift Apart
One of my first true friends—not merely someone I was made to play with back when we were both in diapers, but someone I really clicked with on a deep, emotional level—was a girl named Beth. (By the way, that’s not her real name.) It was springtime, and my mother and I were planting pansies around the mailbox to spiff up the front yard when Beth walked right up and said hello. We hit it off immediately, and went on to have lots of adventures together: We’d swap silly bandz, play with plushies, gorge ourselves on mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. One winter we went sledding through the backyard on inner tubes designed for the pool (which, truthfully, didn’t end well). We even had our own show, The Maya and Beth Show, which I filmed and edited. We made only one or two episodes, but it was so much fun (even if those episodes were mostly just footage of us running around and screaming).
A year or two later, however, our friendship had started to fizzle. It was summertime then, and Beth was in and out of town constantly, visiting relatives here, taking a family vacation there. Since she wasn’t around much, it got harder and harder to stay in touch. And the longer we went without speaking, the easier it was to just let the friendship begin to peter out. It’s not like we had a fight or anything; there was no major conflict, there were no hard feelings. On some level, we probably each just got too lazy or distracted to pick things back up again, to reach out and call each other. Instead, we just moved on with our own lives.
When you have a close or even a best friend, someone you’re used to talking to multiple times a day, someone with whom you share almost everything, and you suddenly sense some growing distance between you, well, that can feel pretty weird. The reality is that it’s normal to grow apart from some of our childhood friends, though. We all change and evolve as we get older—including you. At some point, you and someone you’re close to now will likely go your separate ways, even if it seems strange to think about right this moment.
Now, having what I call a yo-yo friend is a situation that gets a little more complicated.
I once knew a girl I’ll call Julie (not her real name, either), whom I considered for a time to be my very best friend in the whole wide world, and the world is a pretty big place. We talked about good things and bad, enjoyed hanging out, and genuinely supported each other. But for some reason I couldn’t understand, our relationship started to change. One day she just completely stopped replying to my texts, calls, and social media messages (even though I could tell she was still reading them). One day we were great, and the next we were not so chill.
Looking back on it now, I think she might have fallen in with a new group of friends—and that part is completely and totally normal. What sucked, however, is that she would communicate with me only when she had something she wanted to say. I’d respond, chat back and forth, and be there for her, but as soon as I wanted to talk about something going on in my life, she’d read the message but fail to respond. That same thing kept happening over and over again.
For a long time, I didn’t say anything about it. I convinced myself that she was just really busy. (Although, if she was really that busy, why would she bother taking the time to read my messages at all?) Or, I thought something might be going on at school or in her personal life. I gently reminded her that whatever the issue was, she could talk to me about it and I would listen. No response. I’d message her and say, “Hey, do you just have a lot going on right now?” Nothing. Then, after months of flat-out ignoring me, she’d get in touch to talk about something she thought was cool. The whole friendship had become totally lopsided. Clearly, we were no longer on the same wavelength.
Eventually, I decided to confront Julie. “Hey, I’m kinda stressed out over here? I don’t understand why you won’t respond to my texts or calls.” (As much as I was stressed out, though, I’m sure that the harder I tried to work things out, the more and more stressed she got, too.) Still nothing. I had so much anxiety built up about the situation—I felt like such a yo-yo, constantly being yanked back and forth—that I finally had to acknowledge that the relationship just wasn’t healthy or fun anymore. Although we still speak every once in a while (and only when she initiates it), the genuine friendship we shared has ended. It took some time, but I had to learn to be okay with that.
All friends fight sometimes. If you know that those fights only serve to bring you and your friend closer, then that’s okay. But if you have a friendship that results in constant craziness and arguments and stress—especially if the other person isn’t doing anything to improve the situation—that’s just not good.
So, what’s a girl (or a guy) to do? If you realize that one of your friends isn’t acting like the person you thought she was, talk to her. Tell her how you’re feeling. If you used to value a particular one of her qualities (like her honesty or her work ethic), or if she seems to be making a decision that’s in direct opposition to her stated values, you owe it to her (as well as to your friendship) to speak up. There’s a reason that the golden rule (“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”) is, well, the golden rule.
Unfortunately, talking to that friend won’t always work. It can be sad, even heartbreaking, when one of your super-close friends doesn’t appear to care about the relationship anymore. Whomp-whomp. You’d also think it would be easy to disassociate yourself from someone when he or she starts acting like a total jerk-face, but it’s not. Just remember that any relationship—not only a romantic one—can become unhealthy (or, in extreme cases, even abusive). If you feel tr
apped, like you can’t speak your mind without the other person getting mad, you might want to consider phasing that friendship out. You deserve to get back what you give. Standing up for yourself and insisting on being treated well in your relationships is an important part of growing up.
Standing Out from the Crowd
I’ve always worn my hair natural—I’ve never even thought about having it relaxed at any point in my fifteen years on this earth. So one day when I was about eight years old, not long after I’d joined a website where kids could be creative and share stories with each other, I made a short video about my favorite subjects (spelling, Spanish, science, and art), and in it, I had my signature fro going on. A few days later, I noticed the video had received a smattering of likes and comments, but one girl posted that I “needed a perm.” I wasn’t particularly offended at the time, mostly because I didn’t know what a perm was. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be the only time someone judged me based solely on the way I style my hair.
On a day not long after reading that comment, it snowed in Atlanta, which is an extremely rare, some might even say magical, thing for people who live in the southernmost states. So like virtually every other kid in my neighborhood (and probably the whole metro Atlanta area), I bundled up and headed outside. My hair happened to be braided, and since it was cold, it was tucked up under my hat. After a long day of tossing snowballs and making snow squirrels, I went home, nose runny and hands numb, but happy.
By the next morning, the snow had already begun to melt, so all the kids headed back outside again, determined to enjoy it before it was gone. This time, though, I’d forgone the hat. Once again, my hair was in full-on fro mode. At the time, I thought nothing of this. Long before that perm comment, my mom had instilled in me the idea that my natural hair was beautiful. Sure, it’s fluffy and poofy and tangles easily, but I loved it all the same. That is, until my friend and I popped over to her house for a snack. Her brother happened to be there. This was a kid whom I’d spoken to before; we even had a kind of casual friendship. But he took one look at me and a smug sort of smile crept across his face. “What’s wrong with your hair?” were the first words out of his mouth.
I think I said something along the lines of “This is how I always wear it,” but I was still only eight, and was therefore shocked and a little confused. I didn’t quite know what to think or how I should feel. Insulted? Embarrassed? I think what I really felt was disappointed: his words had made me suddenly uncomfortable. I felt a self-consciousness about my hair that had never been there before. (Luckily, I was able to get over that.)
The people around us—our friends, our acquaintances, and our classmates—are absolutely influential in our lives, in both positive and negative ways. They can push us forward and inspire us to reach for our dreams, or they can hold us back. Some kids (and adults) are way too focused on what other people think. They allow themselves to be overly influenced by the media or their peers, and they think it’s perfectly normal to pressure others into making those same choices: You shouldn’t wear those clothes, take those classes, or wear your hair like that. You should conform. You should be like everyone else. Don’t be different. Don’t stick out.
Look, it’s natural to care what others think of you (and it can even be healthy, to a certain extent). But it’s sad when you care so much about fitting in that you start to reject the very things that make you unique and special. After all, the greatest inventions and innovations were made by people who didn’t just do what everyone else was doing. How are you supposed to pursue your passions and chase that Big Idea if all you’re interested in is being a part of the crowd? I mean, sure, the crowd is popular, but is that really what matters?
Ask yourself: Does the crowd or group you long to fit in with stand up for what’s right? Do they use their voices to inspire and help others? Do they treat everyone as equals, because they know that everyone is unique and awesome in his or her own special way? Are they curious to seek out and learn more about the world around them? To preserve it? To improve it? Does your group fit each (or at least most) of those categories?
Whom you hang out with and aspire to be like will absolutely affect your future, as well as the person you become. So find that special spark within you, and don’t be afraid to share it. Show the world that you love yourself, flaws, quirks, poofy hair, and all. Do that, and your true friends will follow.
Finding a Mentor
A few years ago, I decided to launch a crowdfunding campaign in order to round up more capital to grow my business. Since I’d never really done anything like that before, I knew that I’d likely need some guidance and help. So, I reached out to a few prominent businesspeople via email. One of those was Alexis Ohanian, the cofounder of Reddit.
It’s true that Alexis was famous for running a tech company, while I was running a clothing business. And I might never have reached out to him if it weren’t for his message and his unique experience. He’s been an activist and an advocate for an open Internet, a prominent supporter of entrepreneurs (in all fields), and a champion for grassroots crowdfunding platforms like Kickstarter. Alexis and his team offered some great tips and advice for my campaign, and I kept the connection going and the lines of communication open. About a year later, I found out that Alexis would be coming to my hometown as part of a national book tour.
Alexis and I finally got a chance to meet in person more than a year after I sent him that first email, on the day before my fourteenth birthday. Ever since then, he’s become an incredible source of guidance, inspiration, and professional support. I can reach out to him when I want or need to discuss a potential business opportunity or would like to ask an entrepreneurial question. Meanwhile, he’s given me a couple of very public shout-outs, including talking about me during an appearance on a Chicago-area morning news show, and tweeting about me during his attendance at the South by Southwest music, film, and tech festival. Alexis is awesome, funny, and incredibly business savvy, so I’m honored to have him as a mentor, as well as a friend.
When you’re in the early stages of pursuing that Big Idea, mentors can be incredibly important. And I don’t mean wise, old, you-have-much-to-learn-young-grasshopper–type mentors (although those aren’t bad, either). After all, mentors aren’t mystical, magical, all-knowing beings, they’re really just people with firsthand experience in the field that you’re interested in working in. They can provide advice, suggestions, connections, and—perhaps most important—emotional, financial, and logistical support. It’s sometimes suggested that a mentor is so above the mentee that the two can’t have an actual friendship or an emotional connection. But I’ve found that you don’t need to be distant from or subservient to or beneath someone to learn important lessons from them. The only important qualification for a successful mentor-mentee relationship, really, is mutual and equal respect. With enough time and a deep enough connection, mentors can very easily (and very often) morph into friends, or what I like to call friend-tors.
I have many different friend-tors who have played many different roles in my journey. For example, I had an opportunity to speak at a women business owner’s conference hosted by Womenetics, because I was invited by Bonnie Chapman, a women and girls’ rights activist. After our first in-person meeting, Bonnie and I not only developed a friendship, she also helped put me in touch with other women and girls’ rights groups, including Girls Inc. I frequently turn to another friend-tor, the amazing, creative, and insightful Allison “Wonders” Gars, a life and speaking coach, for guidance and support when I prepare for big public engagements like my TEDWomen talk. Allison and I met because she often works with speakers at various TEDx events around the country; these days, I call her whenever I’m working on a new talk. Scott Weiss, the CEO of Speakeasy, a communication consulting firm, and his team have also helped me prepare. They are great at helping me make sure I’m getting my message across, that I’m accomplishing all that I want to whenever I’m sharing my personal story with young people and a
spiring entrepreneurs. And another friend-tor, Cheryl Burnside, an activist and founder of a women’s health nonprofit, gave me my first paid speaking engagement at a girls’ empowerment event. Initially, she contacted me, but over the years, we’ve strengthened our relationship, and she’s become a major supporter of everything I’m doing. Finally, when I was getting one of my nonprofit projects off the ground (we’ll talk more about that in part III), I reached out to Derreck Kayongo. Derreck (a 2011 Top 10 CNN Hero) is the founder of the Global Soap Project, a nonprofit that distributes recycled soap to people in developing countries and individuals in need. We had a really cool meeting, after which he took me over to CARE, one of the largest humanitarian organizations in the world, and introduced me to the amazing Dr. Helene Gayle, CARE’s then president. These are just some examples of the friend-tors in my life.
As crazy as it seems, I met many of these people the same way I met Alexis of Reddit fame—I just reached out, introduced myself, and asked for advice. You’ll probably be amazed at how many people are willing (even eager) to help you, once you ask them for assistance or information. Now, you may be thinking, Sure, Maya, all that sounds great, but how on earth do I find a mentor? The first thing you’ll need to do is identify a potential mentor or two. If you’re already familiar with someone who works in the same or a similar field, then great—you can proceed to the next step (which we’ll get to in just a bit). But if you have no idea whom to contact, if you can’t think of a single person who might have some advice or wisdom to share, then you’ll have to do some research.
You can start with a simple Google search, like “fashion designers on Twitter” or “female entrepreneurs in [insert your hometown].” Remember that a mentor doesn’t have to be famous or even particularly well known—it could be a guy who went to your high school who’s now an activist at his local college; it could be the owner of a nearby dance studio/bookstore/clothing boutique; it could even be your local congressperson. Keep in mind, too, that it’s a good idea to seek out mentors who don’t work in your desired field—it really doesn’t matter if you want to open a bakery, focus on web development, or run a video game company; in the end, it’s all business. What matters most is that your mentor genuinely cares about your goals, ideas, and views.
