The Sarah Book

by Scott McClanahan

  I still had my children at least. But they didn’t seem to like me much though. They just wanted to hang out with Grandpa. “You’re going to find out that Grandpa isn’t what he seems,” I told them one weekend on the way to Grandma and Grandpa’s house in Rainelle. I told them I knew I hadn’t been a good dad recently but I was going to do better. I told them we were going to have a great weekend, and then I told them that I was going to be the one who took care of them. So we drove on and Iris said, “Grandpa?” And Sam said, “Grandpa?” I looked into the rear view mirror and nodded my head and told my son Sam. “Yeah we’re going to see Grandpa, but you need to learn something. You have to be your own man. You can’t be a follower.” I said, “Grandpa might seem cool now because you’ve just known him for a couple of years, but I’ve known him for 34 years and he can be a real hard ass sometimes.” They weren’t even listening to me.

  We pulled up and Grandpa was waiting on us. “Grandpa, Grandpa,” they shouted. And so Grandpa got Sam out of his car seat and I got Iris out of her car seat. Then Iris demanded for Grandpa to hold her. So Grandpa held Sam and Iris together in his arms and walked to the house. “Little kiss asses,” I thought. They went inside the house and Grandpa took them both. Then Sam did what he always did. He demanded to be held upside down. So Grandpa had Sam climb up on his big belly mountain and then he got a hold of Sam’s ankles and he flipped him upside down like Sam was a gymnast. Then he started holding Sam upside down and he looked like this:

  Then Sam did what he always did. He started waving hello at everybody.

  Dad stood and Sam swayed back and forth and upside down. And then he did this with Iris and then Sam said, “Upside down. Upside down.” Dad started getting tired. He gently put Sam back down on the carpet and then Sam popped back up and said, “Again. Again.” I sat on the couch and I told Mom, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

  Mom said, “Oh it’s good for them. They like it.”

  So I just took it. I knew I hadn’t been doing a good job. There was the weekend I couldn’t get out of bed because I was so depressed. There was the weekend I started weeping when I tried to say grace. There were the weekends I disappeared from our home for hours at a time to drink in the Kroger parking lot. But I was going to do better now. I looked at Sam hanging upside down except now he was doing something else. He was eating potato chips.

  I told Grandma even though my dad was standing right there. “I don’t think Sam should be eating potato chips and hanging upside down.”

  But Grandma said, “Well you know your dad, Scott? He just loves them so much and a little potato chips won’t hurt them.”

  But they wouldn’t stop doing it. Iris giggled and smiled and swayed during her upside down time, but then she got tired of it. But Sam got so into it that Grandpa got tired and my dad tried to put Sam down. But Sam just kept begging him. “Me. Me. Again. Again.”

  “Now Grandpa’s getting tired,” Grandpa repeated, but Sam kept begging. So Grandpa decided to sit down on the couch and hold Sam upside down. This way Grandpa could put his elbows on his knees and then he could hold Sam upside down without getting tired. Sam just hung and swung all possum style and they did it for ten minutes. Then they decided to see if Sam liked hanging upside down for a half hour. “I don’t know if we should be doing it that long guys,” I said but they didn’t listen to me. I wanted to say, “I’m the one who is supposed to be taking care of everybody. I’m the one who is supposed to be playing with them.” I tried to play with Iris but she had decided to read a book with Grandma. I kept telling myself it was okay.

  I watched my son Sam watch television upside down. I watched him take his juice upside down too and take a big gulp. Then I thought about the original Sam, my friend Sam who I named my son after. I used to drive to Illinois and get drunk with the original Sam in the alleys of Chicago before we read our stories to people in bars. One day we were drinking 40 ounces before our reading and we saw this stray dog pass us. The dog looked at us and we looked at the dog. Then my friend Sam waved at the dog. He waved hello. The dog nodded its head hello. My friend Sam wasn’t waving to be funny. He was waving because the dog was alive and we were alive too and we had all met somewhere in this city of Chicago and it was our pain that made us the same. Rich and poor and strangers. We would all be the same one day. Later at the reading I passed out pictures of Iris’ sonogram pictures. I told the audience I wanted everyone to hold my child even though they’d never met her— even though she wasn’t born yet. And now I looked at both of the children and this memory seemed so long ago and lost in another life that was gone.

  My son Sam was hanging upside down and his whole face was getting red and purple and he was watching TV. “Okay guys, we should probably stop,” I repeated but nobody listened to me. My father’s forearm muscles twisted and tightened until they looked like thick ropes beneath his arm skin. “You okay, dude?” my dad asked and Sam just took another gulp from his upside down juice and giggled. I’d had about enough. I said, “Okay we’re cutting this crap out. It’s about bed time. We need to brush our teeth.” My dad sat Sam down on his back and told him that we needed to get ready to brush our teeth. Sam was upset and hopped right off of his back and ran over to Grand-pa’s legs and begged. More. More. Grandpa told him he needed to settle down.

  Sam’s face twisted upside down and full of pain. Then the tears started. They popped out of his eyes like cobra venom spit. I found myself getting pissed off. Then Sam started squealing. I told Sam he could throw a fit all he wanted to but I wasn’t going to listen to it. And then I told him Grandpa couldn’t save him. I told him I was the one taking care of him and he needed to be a good boy. Not a bad boy. He cried in my father’s arms, “Grandpa.”

  Then I left the room so I wouldn’t keep halfway shouting. I helped Iris brush her teeth in the bathroom and I heard my father try to stop Sam from crying. Sam finally stopped crying and he asked my dad to do it again but my dad refused. They were both quiet for a moment and then I heard my dad say like he was a wise man, “It’s okay Sam. Your Dad is right. You can’t live your life upside down.” So I stood in front of the mirror with Iris and I watched her brushing her teeth and it was like I realized something. “He’s right. You can’t live your life upside down.” And then there was another voice inside of my head that said, “Oh, but sometimes you can try.”

  That night I went into the bedroom where Iris and Sam and I all slept in the same bed together. I tucked them in and I said, “Okay guys. We’ve had a good day today. So let’s all go off to dreamland now.” Grandma tucked them in and kissed them goodnight and said, “Let’s go off to dreamland.” And Grandpa kissed them goodnight and said, “Okay, let’s go off to dreamland now.” Then they left and I turned off the lights and we went to bed. I didn’t tell them a bedtime story or even offer to tell them a story because what could I have told them about but loneliness.

  So the three of us crowded in the bed together. Then I got up and started to say what I always said. But Iris beat me to it. She said, “I’ll be right back.” And so I didn’t get to say, “I’ll be right back.” I just walked to the foot of the bed and I sat on the floor. I opened up my backpack and pulled out my water bottle full of gin. I took the first sip and then I felt my mouth and lips sting. Then I took another sip. My mouth was going numb. Then I heard Iris pop up and say, “I want a snack. I want a snack.”

  I said, “Shhhh.” I told her it was time to go to sleep. I told her it was time for bed. Then Sam said, “Upside down.” I told Sam, “Shhhh.” I told him it was time to sleep. Then I drank from the water bottle of gin and then Sam sat up and pulled the blankets around him and kept repeating, “Upside down. Upside down.”

  Iris said, “I want a snack.”

  I said, “Shhh.” I watched their faces in the light that was coming from the window. I saw Sarah and I saw the children. Then Iris and Sam shouted I want a snack and upside down. I stood up and I got back in bed. I told them to shut the hell up. I told
them to shut the fuck up and I told them to shut up again. I rested beside them and then I started to cry. I said, “Shut the fuck up” but no one was listening to me. Iris put her hand on my shoulder and she patted me like I was one of her baby dolls. I buried my face and told them how much I loved them and I cried against her side like I was her child.

  I closed my eyes and I imagined that I was a baby and I was being hung upside down and I imagined that if I had a goodnight story to tell them it would go like this: We are all babies and we are all being held by an invisible force and we are all eating potato chips. We are waving like Sam waves and our faces are turning red. We are all waving so desperately hello.

  The next morning I sat on the couch with Sam and Iris and I read There’s a Monster at the End of this Book. I remembered reading it from my own childhood. In the book Grover kept warning the reader that there was a monster at the end of the book and not to turn the page. Iris and Sam laughed as we turned the page.

  Grover built walls and he set fires and did all kinds of things to keep us from turning the page.

  But of course, we kept turning the page. He kept begging and pleading please. Don’t turn the page. Please don’t turn the page. I told the kids, “The best thing about books is you can turn back and start all over. You can turn back to page five and the people will still be here inside of the pages. Alive.” But then I remembered life wasn’t a book.

  I could see right then that I was just like Grover and I wanted everyone to stop turning the page.

  I wanted to say, “The end is coming. There’s a monster at the end of this book and it’s you and me. It’s how everything changes.” I wanted to say, “Please don’t turn the page. The end is here.”

  A few nights later I was all alone in the apartment of death. I sat for awhile on the bed and wondered what I should do. I took off all of my clothes and walked to the dresser. I pulled out the pair of women’s underwear I had kept from long ago. I put one leg through and then I put another leg through. I felt parts of myself fall from around the sides of the underwear. This is what I always did when I was lonely. I took the lipstick that I had from an old travel bag when I moved from Sarah’s house. I slipped off the top and put it on. I took the blush and I popped the top open. Then I put on the blush. I blended and blended. I took out all of the old pictures from the drawer and I put them in front of me. I saw pictures of Sarah and pictures of me and all of the people I loved. I looked at their faces now and I knew that I was each of them. I opened the mascara and I tapped it against the bottom lash tap. I saw that my face was every face. I walked to the mirror and I looked at myself. I stared into my eyes now and I whispered my new name. My name was the past.

  Almost two years passed before I saw Sarah again, but then one day everyone decided to get together. We were both re-married now and I didn’t know what we were going to talk about though. For the past year and a half we communicated through texts and we communicated through the babysitter who dropped the kids off at my apartment and then picked them back up when the weekend was over. “I’m so fucking nervous I think I’m going to have a panic attack,” Julia said as we sat in the parking lot of the hamburger place. I was nervous about it too, but I told Julia not to worry about it.

  I told Julia that maybe Sarah would tell us a story and make us laugh. Maybe she’d tell us about the patient who got his dick amputated. He was this old man who came in with a two liter bottle stuck around his penis and his dick was all black and swollen up inside. His wife said he peed in a bottle at night because he was frail and sick, but then one night he fell asleep and when he woke up his penis was all swollen inside of the bottle. They were too embarrassed to call the ER. They waited for two days and the dick tissue had died inside the bottle. They had to amputate half of his dick and I told Julia that maybe Sarah would tell us that story.

  Julia just laughed at me and told me she was still nervous. I took my hands and put them on Julia’s chest and then I grabbed the nervous energy in fistfuls and threw it off of her and on the floor. Then Julia did the same for me. She took handfuls of my nervous energy and threw it all away. And so we waited and I texted Sarah because I still didn’t see them. Sarah texted back.

  “O we’re already here. We’re outside.” Julia and I got out of the car and I said, “I have no fucking idea what we’re going to talk about.” Then we walked to the side of the restaurant where everybody was sitting. There was Sarah and there was Dr. Jones and there were the kids. Sam and Iris had quiet faces of surprise. I said, “Hey everybody.” Then Sam started jumping straight into the air jump jump like he was trying to catch something. I said, “Sam, what are you trying to do buddy?”

  Sam pointed up to an airplane in the sky and said some shit I couldn’t understand. Then Sarah laughed and said, “O he’s trying to catch airplanes.”

  We stood and watched Sam trying to catch airplanes out of the sky. We all laughed nervous and then I shook Dr. Jones’ hand and said, “Hello.” Then Julia did the same. I walked around the table and I gave Sarah a hug and then she said, “Hey skinny.” I said, “Hey, old girl.” But then I stopped and said,

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean ‘old’ I just meant…” Sarah laughed and said, “No, you’re right. We are old.” Then Julia shook Sarah’s hand and we all sat down. I looked at Sarah and I kept thinking she looked different or something. Like she’d lost things too. Sarah wrote down what everyone wanted and went to the counter and ordered and paid. Dr. Jones kept saying to Sam. “Daddy’s here. It’s daddy.” Sam smiled. Dr. Jones kept saying “Daddy” and making sure I heard it

  I kept thinking about what the fuck we were going to talk about. So we sat at the table and Sarah came back and passed out the big bag of food. The bag wrinkled and the french fry grease soaked through the sides in little circles of grease spots. Then Sarah gave Iris some fries and some chicken nuggets. Then Sarah gave Sam his hamburger and fries. Sarah said, “Be careful now. Because it’s hot. Hot.” Then Sarah pointed to something behind us all and said, “Baby, would you get Iris a lid?” So I turned in my chair without thinking. And then Jones moved at the same time. I realized I wasn’t the baby Sarah was talking to. I was the baby from long ago and she babied a new baby now. I had a new baby too named Julia. I turned back around and looked at Sarah and then Sarah looked at me. Then we looked away together. Then Dr. Jones sat back down and got a lid and put it on top of Iris’ drink. I drank my drink and Iris drank her drink and then Iris pointed to my drink and said, “Don’t pill it poppa.” Then everyone laughed and I whispered to Iris, “I’ll try not to pill it little girl if you promise not to pill it too.”

  Sarah smiled and I smiled and Julia smiled and Jones smiled and we ate our food. And so we sat and I wondered if Sarah was going to tell the story about the guy who got his dick stuck inside the two liter bottle and then fell asleep and woke up with it all swollen and black. But she didn’t. I wondered if she was going to talk about how a congestive heart patient’s testicles swell up as big as basketball sometimes because the fluid has nowhere else to go. The balls get so big the nurses have to finally prick them with a pin and let them drain.

  But Sarah didn’t talk about that either. She just kept reaching over and tearing up the little hamburger she bought for Sam and made sure the pieces were bite size. The hamburger pieces were all crushed with thumb prints and then she licked the ketchup from her fingers. I kept saying inside my head, “Why isn’t she being funny? You’re not being funny at all.” I wanted to tell Julia, “I promise you Sarah is much funnier than this in real life. She’s usually the funniest.” But this was real life. And so we sat and ate and I wondered if Sarah was different or if she’d always been like this and that I was the one who wasn’t funny anymore. But we didn’t talk about any of this. We didn’t talk about water bottles full of gin or burning Bibles or how Mountain Dew would shrink your penis. We didn’t talk about destroying computers with sledge hammers or asking for a divorce or saying I love you and I love you no mor
e. We didn’t talk about what we were once and how all things merge into one. We didn’t talk about first dates or kissing with our eyes open or trying to commit suicide with Tylenol PM. Instead, we just sat and ate hamburgers and we were all so fucking boring now. We didn’t have anything to say to one another. We were called a family.

  So we all laughed like nothing had ever happened and our gender wasn’t pain. I looked at Julia and I looked at Jones and we were all magnets. Then Sam said he was finished and got up and stood beside the table. He stared at the sky until he saw an airplane again and tried to catch it. And we all smiled. I knew one day we would return here after the earth was gone and stare at one another and eat hamburgers and say, “Was it not real? Was it not as it once was.” We watched Sam jump and jump some more. I saw Sam and I saw Iris and I saw Sarah and all I could see was Sarah now. Sam was a Sarah and Iris was a Scott and the rivers were a Sarah and the sky was a Sarah and the mountains were a Sarah and Sarah was a Scott. Then I smiled and I saw my face in the window, but my face wasn’t my face anymore.

  I was a Sarah too.

  Table of Contents

  PART ONE

  PART TWO

  PART III