Witch Is Where Clowns Go To Die (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 38)

by Adele Abbott

  “Can you believe it?” I laughed. “They have garden gnomes.”

  “I like gnomes.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “I mean it. We should get some too.”

  “Over my dead body. Kathy was mainly talking about her shops, and how they practically run themselves these days. She just pops into each one now and then to make sure things are ticking over okay.”

  “It sounds like she’s becoming quite the lady of leisure.”

  “And here’s me, always run off my feet. She suggested that I should take on another investigator to share the workload. What do you think?”

  “I think it would be an unmitigated disaster.”

  “Why?”

  “You’ve taken on people before, and it always ends badly because you’re too much of a control freak.”

  “I am not a control freak. I resent that accusation. Hey, don’t put your bowl there. It goes on the other side.”

  He turned to me and smirked. “See, you’ve just proven my point.”

  “Because I want you to put your dirty bowl in the right place? That doesn’t make me a control freak.”

  “If you say so.”

  “Stop smirking. Kathy says it’s all about delegation, and I’m beginning to think she could be right.”

  ***

  I was upstairs getting changed for work when Jack shouted from the lounge.

  “Jill, you have to come and see this. Hurry up!”

  “What is it?” I rushed downstairs.

  “Look at that crazy guy.” He pointed through the window. “Have you ever seen anything quite like it?”

  The man in question was the vicar who, for reasons known only to himself, was walking down the middle of the road, wearing a dressing gown and a pair of flip-flops. As if that wasn’t weird enough, he had a pug under his arm. And, to make matters even worse, it was pouring with rain.

  “That’s the vicar,” I said.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, he gave me the—err—I mean, I bumped into him in the village shop. What on earth is he doing? And why does he have a pug under his arm?”

  “I think he’s trying to catch that other dog.” Jack pointed down the street where a black Labrador was sauntering in the opposite direction.

  The vicar was clearly shouting to the Labrador, but it was paying him no heed. There was precious little chance of the vicar ever catching up with the dog because the flip-flops were slowing him down. And having a pug under his arm definitely wasn’t helping.

  “One of us should go out there and help him,” I said.

  “Are you volunteering?”

  “I would, but I don’t have my shoes on. You’ll have to go. It’s the neighbourly thing to do.”

  “Oh, alright then.” Jack grabbed his coat, hurried out of the door, and shot off down the street in pursuit of the Labrador. After a bit of cajoling, he eventually managed to grab the dog’s collar, and held onto it until the vicar caught up with the two of them. After the vicar had put the lead on the Labrador, he and Jack exchanged a few words, and then Jack came hurrying back into the house.

  “I’m soaked.” He ran his fingers through his wet hair.

  “Did you ask him why he was carrying a pug under his arm?”

  “I did, yes. He asked how else was he supposed to carry it.”

  ***

  Thankfully, by the time I left the house for work, it had stopped raining. I was just about to get into the car when someone called to me. I’d seen the woman around the village, but I’d never actually spoken to her before.

  “Hello there. I’ve been hoping to catch you for a while. I’m Barbara. Barbara Babble. I live in one of the bungalows just behind the church.”

  “Near Mr Bacus?”

  “Two doors away, actually. How do you know Arthur?”

  “He’s my accountant.”

  “I see, err—sorry, I don’t know your name.”

  “Jill Maxwell.”

  “I’ve lived in Middle Tweaking for almost twenty-five years now, Jill. I’ve seen a lot of changes to the village in that time, I can tell you. Lots of comings and goings too.”

  “You must have.”

  “How did you come to buy the old watermill?”

  “I knew the lady who lived here some years ago: Myrtle Turtle. And I happened to hear it had come onto the market again.”

  “Oh yes, Myrtle. I’m afraid she and I never really saw eye to eye. And I certainly had no time for those two friends of hers—their names escape me.”

  “You mean Hodd and Jobbs.”

  “That’s them. They never should have been allowed to live in Middle Tweaking. They simply weren’t village people at all.”

  “Maybe they’d have been better off at the YMCA?”

  “Sorry?”

  “I was just saying this is our first time living in a village too.”

  “Yes, but I can tell you’re village people.”

  “Thank you.” I think.

  “I assume your husband doesn’t have a job at the moment.”

  “Sorry?”

  “I’ve noticed he takes your little girl to school, but he doesn’t go out again after that. I assume he’s out of work, is he?”

  “No, he works from home, actually.”

  “Hmm. I see.”

  “I’m sorry, Barbara, but I’m running a little late for work.”

  “I’m not a gossip, Jill, as you’ll soon find out, but have you heard about the Stock sisters?”

  “The ladies who run the village store?”

  “Cynthia and Marjorie, yes.” Barbara glanced around to check that no one was within earshot. “I assume you know they’re spinsters.”

  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d heard anyone use that term. “I’d never really given it any thought.”

  “Yes, spinsters, both of them. But I happen to know that they are both seeing a gentleman.”

  “That’s very nice for them.”

  “But the thing is, it’s the same gentleman.”

  “I see. Still, it’s none of our business what the three of them get up to, is it?”

  “I don’t think you quite follow me, Jill. Neither of them knows that the other one is seeing the same gentleman.”

  “Oh?”

  “And can you guess who that gentleman is?”

  “I have no idea.”

  She double checked that no one was within earshot. “Between you and me, and you mustn’t repeat this to anyone, it’s the vicar.”

  “The vicar?”

  “Yes, but you mustn’t say a word.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise. Anyway, as I said, I really must get going.”

  “It’s been nice talking to you, Jill. Give my regards to your husband and tell him I hope he finds a job soon.”

  “Err, right, bye.”

  Wow! What a very strange woman. I would have to make sure that I gave her a wide berth in future.

  ***

  I’d parked the car in Washbridge and was walking to the office building. I’d given up on the whole skipping thing because I simply couldn’t get my head (or legs) around it. As I approached the office, I noticed two window cleaners working on the building. As I walked by their ladders, I heard someone shout, “Look out below.”

  Foolishly, I looked up, and a torrent of water hit me on the head.

  “Jill, is that you? I’m so sorry.” I looked up to see Blaze hurrying down the ladder.

  At the top of the other ladder, Daze was laughing her head off. “Sorry for laughing, Jill, but that was priceless.”

  “I really am sorry, Jill.” Blaze was standing beside me now. “I was just reaching for my squeegee and I must have nudged the bucket.”

  “That’s okay. What are you two doing up there anyway?”

  “Working undercover. We’re trying to track down a gang of roof sprites who we believe are operating in this area. You haven’t seen them, have you?
”

  “I wouldn’t know a roof sprite if it poured a bucketful of water on my head.”

  “I really am sorry, Jill. Is there anything I can do?”

  “No, it’s alright. You’d better get back to work.”

  “Is it raining again, Jill?” Mrs V said. “I thought it had stopped.”

  “No, Mrs V, it isn’t raining. A window cleaner emptied his bucket of water on my head.”

  “Why would he do that? Had you said something to upset him?”

  “No, I hadn’t. It wasn’t deliberate. He accidentally knocked over the bucket and it spilled all over me.”

  “You should sue him.”

  “I’m not sure that would do any good. Anyway, what’s all this equipment for?”

  Mrs V had a digital video recorder, mounted on a mini tripod, on her desk.

  “I’m doing so well with YarnAgram that I’ve decided it’s time to extend my social media reach.”

  “Your social media—?”

  “Reach. Yes, so the next logical step is to open a YarnTube account.”

  “Let me guess. Is that videos?”

  “Exactly. It’s one thing showcasing photographs of my work, but with a video, people will be able to see me in action, so to speak.”

  “Right, I see. Does that mean you’ll be recording them in the office?”

  “Yes, so I’m going to need you to knock on the door whenever you come into the outer office, just in case I’m in the middle of recording.”

  “Hang on. Let me make sure I’ve got this right. You want me to knock on the door every time I want to come in here?”

  “That’s right, so I can pause the recording. Otherwise, I’ll have to do a retake because I’m not very good with the editing thing. Is that alright?”

  “Just perfect.”

  “Thanks. I thought I’d start with something simple, so my first video will be a pair of socks.”

  “Great. I’d better let you get on, then.”

  Sheesh! My office wasn’t my own anymore.

  Winky was busy at work on my computer.

  “Hey, get off there.”

  “I’m nearly done.”

  “You’re done now. You know you’re not supposed to use that.”

  “I’ll only be a minute. Right, that’s it. You can have it now.”

  “What are you up to, Winky?”

  “Sorry, no time to talk.” He jumped down from the desk, scurried under the sofa, and began to tap away on his tablet.

  What on earth was he up to? I’d never seen him so engrossed.

  I was still considering Kathy’s suggestion that I should employ another private investigator. Jack had been very negative when I’d brought up the idea, and he’d even accused me of being a control freak, which was clearly nonsense.

  I went onto one of the large recruitment websites who, fortuitously, were offering a special deal where you could post your job for two weeks at half the normal rate. That was obviously fate telling me this was the right thing to do. I quickly created an account and then clicked on the ‘Post New Vacancy’ button.

  Description: Private investigator.

  Duties: Investigation - various types of cases.

  Qualifications required: No academic qualifications needed.

  Experience required: Experience of private investigation work is essential.

  Other information: Private investigator wanted to join a dynamic, forward-thinking company. Must be a self-starter, good communicator and a team player.

  Starting salary: I suppose I would have to pay them. But how much, though? I typed ‘To be negotiated’.

  That was everything, so I submitted the job. Now all I had to do was sit back and wait for the applications to flood in.

  I caught up on a little paperwork until it was time for my meeting with Phil Black. We’d arranged to meet at the house where he’d lived at the time of Liam’s disappearance.

  “Right, Winky, I’m off.”

  No response. He was still too busy on his tablet.

  As I walked into the outer office, Mrs V yelled at me. “Jill, what did I tell you about knocking? I was halfway through this video. Now, I’ll have to start all over again.”

  “Sorry.”

  Why was I apologising?

  Chapter 8

  Phil Black was so busy staring at the house that he didn’t notice me pull up in the car. It was only when I got out and called to him that he turned around.

  “Are you okay, Phil?”

  “Sorry, I was miles away.”

  “Have you been back here recently?”

  “No. Not since I was arrested. Believe it or not, I have some really happy memories of this place. When I first got here today, I saw a young boy in the upstairs window and just for a moment, I thought—” His words drifted away.

  “Where did you used to go fishing?”

  “Do you see the treeline over there?” He pointed across the road. “The river’s just beyond the wood.”

  “Do you feel up to taking me there?”

  “Sure.”

  The road was very quiet; I’d only seen one car go past since I’d arrived. Phil led the way across the road, and along the pavement for about fifty yards until we came to a small wooden gate in the drystone wall. Once through that, we followed a well-worn path that led across the field to the wood.

  “Did you used to go fishing often, Phil?”

  “Yeah, most weeks during the season.”

  Once we reached the treeline, the path continued through the wood. The going there was a little slower, but within a matter of minutes, we emerged next to the river, which was quite narrow and slow running at that point.

  “Did you fish from a particular spot?”

  “Yeah. Over there. I always used to sit on those rocks.”

  “Can I take a closer look?”

  He hesitated for a moment, but then led the way. “I used to love it here. It’s so quiet and the fishing was the best on this stretch of the river by far. I tried lots of different spots, but none of them compared to this one.”

  “You said that Liam had been here with you before?”

  “He came with me a few times. He always wanted to have a go, but the rod was too long and heavy for him to hold. All he could really do was watch me. After half an hour or so, he’d get fed up and start messing around, throwing stones in the river. Once he did that, I had no chance of catching anything, so I had to pack up and go home.”

  “That must have made you angry.”

  “It was annoying, yeah. I much preferred being here by myself.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “I was never angry enough to do anything to him if that’s what you’re getting at. I would never have hurt him.”

  “I’m not suggesting that for one minute. I’m just trying to understand the dynamic between the two of you.”

  “Liam was a good kid and could be a lot of fun, but I still didn’t want him with me every time I went fishing.”

  “You said that Liam told your stepfather he was going fishing with you.”

  “That’s right, but I would already have been long gone by then.”

  “He must have tried to make his own way to you. Would he have been capable of finding you by himself?”

  “Yeah, he’d done it before, even though he knew he shouldn’t cross the road alone.”

  “The police found blood on the rocks, didn’t they?”

  “So they reckon.”

  “You sound doubtful.”

  “I’ve seen the photographs of it, but there was definitely no blood there when I left that day. I would have seen it.”

  I was convinced of Phil Black’s innocence. Why else would he spend the money his grandmother had saved for him on hiring me? He’d done his time in prison. He could have used that money on a fresh start and put the past behind him. It wasn’t just that. It was the way he spoke about Liam; he had clearly been close to his young stepbrother. Proving Phil was innocent was not goi
ng to be easy, though, unless I could find out who had actually murdered Liam, and at the moment I had precious little to go on.

  After leaving Phil, I drove a few miles and then pulled into the side of the road. I hadn’t wanted him to overhear the phone call I was about to make to his mother in case it went badly. I wasn’t even sure if the number that his grandmother had given me was still current, but it was the only one I had.

  “Hello?” The voice was female. So far, so good.

  “Is that Felicity?”

  “Speaking. Who is this?”

  “My name is Jill Maxwell. I’m a private investigator. I’ve been hired by your son, Phil.”

  “Why are you calling me?”

  “I wondered if it would be possible to come and talk to you?”

  “No.”

  “Maybe I could ask you a few quick questions now, then.”

  “I have nothing to say to you.”

  “I’m trying to find evidence that will prove your son’s innocence. I think you may have information that can help me.”

  “I don’t want anything to do with it. I’ve washed my hands of him. Leave me alone.”

  “Can you at least tell me where I can find Phil’s stepfather?”

  “I have no idea. The last I heard, Andy was living in France somewhere.”

  “Are you sure I can’t change your—” It was too late; she’d already hung up.

  ***

  I drove to Washbridge, parked the car, and took a walk down to Coffee Animal. Dot was once again behind the counter, and today she had a yellow bow in her hair. Curiously, her beauty spot was now on her right cheek.

  “Hi, Jill. Your usual?”

  “Yes, please. What’s today’s animal? Nothing too vicious I hope.”

  “Hardly.” She reached under the counter and brought out a small glass cage in which there appeared to be just a few twigs.

  “This one is empty, Dot.”

  “No, it isn’t.” She pointed. “See, it moved.”

  “A stick insect? Are they even animals?”

  “I don’t know, but they’re kind of cute, don’t you think?”

  “Not really.”

  The shop was very quiet, so I was able to get a table next to the window. I’d just taken a bite of muffin when a tiny voice from inside the cage said, “Hello there. What’s your name?”