Witch Is Where Clowns Go To Die (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 38)

by Adele Abbott

  What do you mean, I just make this stuff up as I go along? Of course the ‘translate’ spell is a real spell. You don’t have to take my word for it—take a look in the official spell book.

  Anyway, I digress. Once I’d cast the ‘translate’ spell, I asked her to repeat what she’d said.

  She was clearly annoyed at having to repeat herself. “I said, I’m busy and I don’t want whatever it is you’re selling.”

  “I’m not selling anything, I promise.”

  “That’s what they all say.”

  “It’s true. I’m looking for a man by the name of Andrew or Andy Roberts. I was told he lived at this address.”

  “Oh?” Her expression softened a little. “He did live here a while ago.”

  “By himself?”

  “No, with his wife and a boy.”

  “How old was the boy?”

  “Fifteen, probably.”

  “It’s very important that I speak to Mr Roberts. Do you happen to have his new address?”

  “Yes, I do. Just wait there.” She disappeared into the house and came back minutes later with a scrap of paper.

  “He moved back to England? Are you sure?”

  “That’s the address he gave to me.”

  I’d no sooner stepped away from the door than my phone rang.

  “Hi, Kathy. Is everything okay?”

  “Why are you speaking in French, Jill?”

  Oh, bum!

  I quickly reversed the ‘translate’ spell. “Sorry about that. I’ve been taking French classes.”

  “Why?”

  “Jack and I have been talking about taking a holiday in France, so I thought it would be nice to learn the language.”

  “You’ll soon get bored like you always do.”

  “Rubbish. Once I start something, I always see it through.”

  “Like the piano lessons?”

  “My fingers aren’t cut out for the piano.”

  “Or the horse riding lessons?”

  “Did you actually want something, Kathy?”

  “I just called to say that we had a terrific time last night.”

  “Yeah, us too.”

  “Really? I thought Jack looked a bit put out when we first arrived.”

  “No, he was pleased to see you both. Look, I’m sorry but I really do have to go. I’m run off my feet at the moment. I’ll catch up with you later.”

  ***

  I magicked myself back to the car park in Washbridge from where I rang Mrs V.

  “It’s Jill. I’m just calling to let you know I’m going to Margaret Plant’s house and that I probably won’t be back in the office today.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Her response rather threw me. What was there to understand?

  “I said I won’t be—”

  “No, I mean, why are you ringing me from your office. Couldn’t you have just told me on your way out?”

  Oh bum!

  Mrs V had seen me go into my office, but I’d magicked myself from there to France. As far as she was aware, I was still in the room next door to her.

  “I’m actually in the car park, Mrs V.”

  “But how did you get there? I didn’t see you leave.”

  “Please don’t think I’m criticising because I’m not, but when I came through the outer office, you’d actually nodded off.”

  “I was asleep? Are you sure?”

  “Positive, but don’t worry about it. Making those videos must take it out of you.”

  “I’m really sorry, Jill.”

  “Forget it. It’s fine.”

  ***

  I was gagging for a drink, but I didn’t want to risk going to Coffee Animal again. The last time I’d been there, the guy opposite me had almost been crushed to death by a snake. What animal would they have on offer today? Poisonous spiders? Scorpions? Alligators? No, thank you.

  Instead, I decided to pay a visit to Aunt Lucy. I could always rely on getting a nice cup of tea there, and it wouldn’t cost me a penny. Plus, the only animals I’d have to contend with were Barry, who might try to lick me to death, and Rhymes, who I suppose could try to bore me to death with his poetry.

  When I arrived at her house, Aunt Lucy was just coming out of the door.

  “Jill? I wasn’t expecting you, was I?”

  “No, I just called on the off chance.”

  “I’m on my way into town. There’s a couple of things I need to buy, but you’re welcome to come with me. We can get a drink while we’re there.”

  “That sounds great.”

  It was a lovely day for a walk, and just what I needed to shrug off the stress of the cases I was working on. Aunt Lucy told me that her neighbour, Charlie, had now put his house up for sale.

  “Good riddance if you ask me, after the way he treated you.”

  “I still can’t believe he did those awful things to my garden. By the way, Barry was quite taken with the new dog groomer.”

  “That’s a shame. I was hoping he’d hate it and that he’d refuse to go back there again.”

  “You’re out of luck, I’m afraid. He said he wants to go there every time.”

  “That’s great. Just great!”

  When we arrived at the market, Aunt Lucy suggested we split up so she could get the things she needed while I browsed. We agreed to meet back at the Market Cafe in thirty minutes.

  It was ages since I’d had a good look around Candlefield Market. There were all manner of stalls: Some selling conventional goods that you’d find in most markets in the human world. Others were selling goods aimed at sups: spell books, magical potions and even synthetic blood for vampires.

  I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, but one stall did catch my eye. Until then, I hadn’t realised that the vinyl record revival had reached Candlefield. The man running the stall was a wizard.

  “Are you looking for a particular record, young lady?”

  “No, I’m just browsing, thanks.”

  “Okay. If you need any help, give me a shout.”

  “Will do.”

  His stock was quite limited, just half a dozen boxes of records. As I looked through them, alarm bells started to ring inside my head.

  “You have some very rare titles here,” I said.

  “Yes, that’s our speciality.”

  “Could I ask how you manage to source them?”

  “I can’t tell you that.” He laughed. “That’s a trade secret.”

  “My husband collects rare vinyls. I’m going to make a note of some of these titles to see if he’s interested in them.”

  “Okay. I’m here most days. Tell him to drop by anytime.”

  When I’d finished taking notes, I went over to the cafe to join Aunt Lucy, who insisted on buying the drinks.

  “You’d better not tell the twins we’ve been in here,” she said. “They get upset if I give my custom to any of their competitors.”

  “Don’t worry. They won’t hear it from me.”

  “Did you buy anything, Jill?”

  “No. Nothing caught my eye.”

  “I saw you looking at the record stall. You have one of those old-fashioned record players, don’t you?”

  “Not anymore. I used to have one when I lived by myself, but when Jack and I got together, there simply wasn’t enough room for all of our stuff. I think it must have got thrown away. It’s a pity really, because vinyl is definitely making a comeback.”

  Chapter 19

  According to the woman I’d spoken to in France, Phil Black’s stepfather, Andy, had been living there with a woman, assumed to be his wife, and a teenage boy. His new address was supposedly in Bristol. Driving there and back would have taken too long, so once again, I elected to use magic.

  The terraced house was located a few miles from the Clifton Suspension Bridge. The teenage boy who answered the door barely made eye-contact with me; he was much too busy fiddling around on his phone.

  “Hi, is your father or mother in?”
r />   “No.” Clearly a man of few words.

  “Do you know when either of them will be back?”

  “My mother doesn’t live here anymore. My parents split up.”

  “Right, sorry. Did you used to live in France, by any chance?”

  “Yeah.” He slid his phone into the pocket of his jeans. “Until about a year ago. Who are you anyway?”

  “My name’s Jill. I’m an old friend of your father’s. I was hoping to have a word with him.”

  “He’s gone into town to do some shopping. He won’t be long.”

  “Can I come inside and wait?”

  He shrugged. “I guess.” He led the way to the kitchen where the laptop on the table had a game paused onscreen.

  “I’m sorry if I interrupted your game.”

  “Don’t matter. It was rubbish, anyway.”

  “I don’t know your name, sorry.”

  “Mila.”

  “How do you spell that?”

  “M-I-L-A.” It was clear from the way he responded that he must get asked that all the time.

  “How long did you live in France, Mila?”

  “Not sure. Since I was little.”

  “So you must speak French.”

  “Course. I used to go to a French school.”

  “Which do you like best, living in France or here in England?”

  “Don’t care, really. Food’s better over there, but I’ve got more friends here.”

  “Do you think I could get a drink of water, please?”

  “We’ve got Coke if you want that.”

  “That would be great, thanks.”

  He took the bottle of Coke from the fridge and poured us both a glass.

  “Did your mother live with you and your father in France?”

  “Yeah. Until she decided to take off, then me and my Dad came here.”

  “What’s that game you were playing?”

  “Countdown to Death.”

  “It sounds a bit scary.”

  “Not really. It’s pretty tame.” He took a sip of his drink.

  The original reason for my visit had been to talk to Andrew Roberts, but after speaking to Mila, I was now worried that if he saw me, it might spook him, and he could do a runner. I needed to get out of the house before Andrew Roberts came back, and I had to make sure that Mila didn’t mention my visit.

  After casting the ‘forget’ spell, and while Mila was still a little dazed, I emptied his glass, and dropped it into my bag. As I left the house, I spotted a man, with a number of carrier bags, walking towards the house. I had no way of knowing if it was Andrew Roberts, but I didn’t want to take any chances, so I set off in the opposite direction. Once I was a couple of streets away, I called Phil Black. If my hunch was correct, that would change everything.

  “Phil, we need to talk. Where are you?”

  “In a coffee shop in Washbridge.”

  “Can you spare me a few minutes?”

  “Sure. Shall I come to your office?”

  “No need. I’ll come to you. Which coffee shop are you in?”

  “It’s called Coffee Animal. Do you know it?”

  “I certainly do. I’ll be with you in a few minutes.”

  ***

  When I walked into the coffee shop, the volume of chatter was unbelievable. As I made my way to the counter, I realised it wasn’t the customers who were making all the noise; it was the parrots in cages on every table.

  The much-travelled beauty spot was now back on Dot’s left cheek.

  “Hi, Jill. Your usual?”

  “Just a coffee today, please, Dot. It’s very noisy in here, isn’t it?”

  “Tell me about it. It’s driving me crackers. I think the management seriously underestimated how much noise these birds would make.” She reached under the counter and produced a cage with a small green parrot in it. “There you go, Jill. I’ll just get your coffee.”

  “Who’s a pretty boy?” the parrot said.

  “Not you. That’s for sure.”

  “How very rude. They aren’t paying me enough to put up with your insults.”

  “Sheesh! I was only joking. I didn’t mean it.”

  “Do you think I enjoy having to repeat the same stupid line over and over again? I’m an intelligent bird. I can hold a meaningful conversation with anyone, but instead I have to say all this gibberish.”

  “There’s no need to have a go at me. It isn’t my fault.”

  Once I had my coffee, I picked up the cage and went in search of Phil Black. He was seated at a table in a corner of the room. Phil’s parrot was twice the size of mine and very colourful: yellow, blue, green, and red. As I joined him at the table, his parrot said, “Pieces of eight, pieces of eight.”

  “It’s the first time I’ve been in here,” Phil said. “It’s quite a novel idea, isn’t it? The animal theme, I mean.”

  “Hmm. Novel is one way to describe it.”

  “I take it you’ve been in here before?”

  “Many times.”

  “Do you have some news for me, Jill?”

  “Not really. I hope I didn’t get your hopes up too much. I just thought it was time to update you on my investigation so far.”

  “Okay.”

  “Up until now, I’ve mainly focused my efforts on the riverbank where Liam’s blood was found. I called in one of the country’s leading experts on crime scenes. She’s adamant that Liam couldn’t have been murdered there.”

  “Really?” Phil’s face lit up. “That’s good news, isn’t it?”

  “It might be if she’s right, and I believe she is. It certainly casts serious doubt on the evidence the police used to convict you.”

  “That’s brilliant.”

  “Unfortunately, that’s not going to be enough to clear your name. We’re going to need much more. Ideally, we need to find out what really happened to Liam. That isn’t going to be easy.”

  “But you still think there’s hope?”

  “There’s always hope, but I thought it only fair to warn you that the longer I spend on the case, the more expensive it’s going to be.”

  “I understand that, Jill, and I don’t care. If I have to spend all the money my grandmother saved for me, I’ll happily do that. What’s your next move?”

  “I’ve got one or two leads that I need to follow up, but there’s nothing concrete to report today. Obviously, I’ll keep you posted.”

  “I have faith in you, Jill. I know you’ll come through for me.” He checked his phone. “Look, I’m really sorry, but after you phoned, I got a call about a job interview. It’s the first one I’ve had since I was released, so I’m going to have to shoot off.”

  “That’s fine. You go, and good luck.”

  “Thanks. Jill, would you do me a favour, and take my parrot back to the counter when you take yours?”

  “Sure, I’ll see to it.”

  He left, leaving me the proud keeper of two parrots.

  “Why didn’t you buy us something to eat?” Phil’s parrot asked me. “I’m starving.”

  “Me too,” my parrot chirped in. “What’s the point of us being in this cafe if you don’t buy us a treat?”

  “I’m sorry guys, but I wasn’t hungry.”

  “Isn’t that just typical of a human? You only think of yourself.”

  I didn’t have the time or inclination to argue with two parrots, so I ignored them. I hadn’t mentioned my hunch to Phil because I didn’t want to raise his hopes until I was sure of my ground. To confirm my suspicions, I was going to need the cup he’d been drinking from. Unfortunately, I chose to put it into my bag just as the manager was walking past the table.

  “Excuse me,” he growled. “What do you think you’re doing?”

  “Sorry?”

  “You just put one of our cups in your bag.”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Yes, you did. I can still see it.”

  “Oh yeah, so I did. Sorry.”

  “Will you put it back on the
table, please.”

  “I really need a new coffee cup. Surely, you can spare one.”

  “If you need a coffee cup, there are plenty of shops on the high street that will sell you one.”

  “But I really like this one.”

  “It’s not for sale.”

  “Go on. I’ll give you a fiver for it.”

  “I’ve just told you, it’s not for sale.”

  “Please. Name your price.”

  “Twenty-five pounds.”

  “Are you kidding? Twenty-five pounds for one coffee cup?”

  “Take it or leave it.”

  “Okay.” Somewhat begrudgingly, I handed over the money. “This is daylight robbery.”

  “Thank you, madam.” He grinned. “It’s been a real pleasure doing business with you. If you’d like any more of those cups at the same price, do let me know.”

  The two parrots were still moaning and groaning when I took them back to the counter, but despite having to put up with those annoying birds, the meeting had been very useful and might yet prove to be the key to solving this case.

  ***

  After leaving Coffee Animal, I made my way to Vinyl Alley where Mad was by herself behind the counter. The shop was much quieter than on my last visit with only a few customers looking through the boxes of records.

  “Am I glad to see you, Jill,” Mad said. “It’s been really quiet so far today; I could do with a good chinwag.”

  “I’m sorry to disappoint you, Mad, but I can’t stay long. I’m up to my neck in work. Is Brad in?”

  “Yeah, he’s in the back. Do you want me to go and get him?”

  “No, not yet. I need a quiet word with you first.”

  “Is something up?”

  “I think I might know who’s stealing your records.”

  “I should get Brad, then.”

  “Hang on. If my hunch is correct, the thefts are being carried out by sups.”

  “Are you sure?”