Only with You

by Lea Coll

  “I think so.” I took a deep breath and tried to smile to reassure him. “It was nothing.”

  “Don’t lie to me.” Cade grabbed my hand, stroking the delicate skin on the inside of my wrist. “What’s going on?”

  I took a deep breath. “He thinks he can manipulate me to work for him and smooth things over with Layton. If the merger doesn’t go through, he won’t be able to fund Kids Speak.”

  His fingers stilled and he gripped my hand tighter. “You’re going to New Orleans.”

  His disappointment struck me dead center in my chest.

  “Yes. I have to go to the gala. I’m the face of Kids Speak.”

  “I want to go with you.” His tone was determined.

  “That’s sweet, but I need to do this on my own. I need to face my dad. Otherwise, he’ll think you’re controlling me and making my decisions. I want him to know I’m strong and independent. That I make my own decisions.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair. “I feel helpless in this situation. I want to be there for you. I want to stand next to you.”

  After speaking to my dad, I was off-center. I felt out of control like I was careening down a hill without brakes. “On one hand, I’d love to have you there, but I feel like this is something I have to do myself. I came here to separate myself from my family. To find out who I was. I feel like facing him again is something I need to do on my own. Otherwise, he’ll never respect me.” I knew my dad. He’d assume Cade was influencing me. If he could eliminate Cade, I’d come around.

  He shook his head but didn’t say anything else. A muscle in his jaw ticked, his mouth tightening into a thin line.

  I couldn’t stand fighting with him—the distance between us. I unbuckled my seat belt, moving as gracefully as I could over the console and into his lap. His body was stiff. He didn’t make a move to touch me because he was unhappy with my decision. I laid my head onto his shoulder, my legs over his. I stroked the soft material of his shirt over his chest, breathing in his familiar scent.

  After a few seconds, his fingers stroked my hair and his lips lowered to my temple. “I hate how your father makes you feel.”

  “Me too.”

  “I wish you’d cut the strings.” His frustration tightened the muscles under my fingers. His shoulders drew back. I could feel him physically withdrawing, but was he emotionally pulling back as well? I couldn’t bear the thought of that.

  “I should go home.” I meant to go home to my apartment, but the silence after my words made me feel like I’d said go home to New Orleans.

  The air between us cooled, the longer Cade was silent.

  I hesitated, my fingers lifted from his chest. I’d moved to his lap to feel his strong arms around me, but instead of tightening around me—they were loosening.

  “If that’s what you want.” He enunciated each word carefully as if he were holding himself together.

  My heart was breaking. Why did I have to choose between standing on my own and having him by my side? I was so confused. I needed time to think. I needed time to calm down after that conversation with my dad and sort things out in my head.

  I pulled my head back to look at him, but his eyes were fixed on a spot over my head. I wanted to tilt his face down to mine. I wanted to pull his lips to mine, kiss him until this space between us disappeared. But I didn’t know if it would be okay. His body and expression radiated his displeasure with me.

  Maybe space was a good idea for both of us to calm down. I needed to figure out what to do and I couldn’t think clearly with Cade.

  “Okay.” He shifted his legs so I returned to my seat to fasten the seat belt.

  He turned the truck on, the engine rumbling to life. We didn’t speak on the ride to my apartment. When he parked at the curb in front of my apartment, I unbuckled, my hand hovered over the door handle. “I’ll talk to you later. I just need time to think.”

  Cade’s eyes filled with emotion—frustration, fear, and love. “I want to be here for you.”

  “I want that more than anything too. I need to think. I need to do this one thing and stand on my own two feet for once.”

  Cade nodded, but he didn’t respond.

  “Thanks for introducing me to your parents. They were amazing.” Tears prickled my eyes because if Cade and I didn’t work, that meant I couldn’t claim his family as mine. I wanted to with every fiber of my being. I wanted Cade and his family. I wanted to live here and make the firm and Kids Speak expansion a success. For the first time since I moved, I saw a future.

  As quickly as the lightness entered my body—a black fog clouded my vision—I had no future with Dad still calling the shots from New Orleans. I needed to deal with him once and for all. “I know you don’t agree with it, but this is important to me.”

  “If you go back there…” He shook his head. “He’ll continue to manipulate and control you.”

  I tensed, poised to leave. “I need to do this. I need to stand up to him.”

  “You can do just as easily with me at your side.” He turned to me finally, his eyes pleading.

  “You don’t know my dad. He won’t take me seriously if you’re there.”

  I shifted closer to Cade and cupped his cheek and turned his face toward me. I wanted to make him understand what he’d done for me. “For the first time, I feel strong enough to take Dad on and it’s all because of you. You made me feel this way.”

  He shook his head and I dropped my hand. “You were there for me tonight and I want to do the same for you.”

  “The difference is I don’t need you there. I can do this on my own.” Was it possible to love someone, yet let them stand on their own? If my dad had loved me over the years, he’d fought every step of me going out on my own and being independent.

  “That’s the problem. We’re in a relationship. You don’t have to do things on your own.”

  “We’re just rehashing the same thing over and over again. I need time to think.” What I thought was right and what he thought were all jumbled up in my brain and things were going downhill no matter how much I tried to explain my side.

  “That’s a good idea.”

  I opened the truck door and Cade met me at the steps to walk up to my apartment. When we reached my door, I turned and said, “Goodnight, Cade.”

  “I’m here for you when you’re ready.” He kissed me on the cheek, turned, and jogged down the steps.

  My stomach sunk. I didn’t want this to be the end of us, but I didn’t know how to be true to myself and our relationship.

  I didn’t hear the rumble of his truck pulling from the curb until I was safely inside. I sagged against the door. What had I done? I pushed away from the only person who meant something to me to stand up to my dad. I was torn between what I thought I needed to do and Cade’s desire to be there for me.

  Wasn’t I supposed to be asking what I wanted? I’d been subject to other people’s desires and wants for too long to give in to it again. I ignored the voice in my head—telling me Cade was different. He was asking me to do what he thought was right for me, not what was right for him.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  CADE

  When I drove home, my body vibrated with anger and frustration. Why wouldn’t she let me be there for her? I worried she’d be sucked back into that life—the one I couldn’t possibly understand—the one filled with money, privilege, and countless expectations. Attend this event, work here, and marry this person.

  I knew she was strong enough without me, but it never hurt to have someone by your side.

  Was this about getting her father’s approval? He was her only living parent, none of his demands were about her—they were about him. My body sagged at the thought. She didn’t have what I had—a loving family who was there for her no matter what.

  Her father’s love and approval were conditional on her doing what he wanted and following his orders. When I heard the harsh tone of his voice through the phone, I clenched my hands on the steering wheel to
stop myself from taking the phone to give him a piece of my mind.

  I tried to take a few deep breaths to calm myself—to turn off the emotion from our argument and be reasonable.

  Hadley lost her mother and her father lost his wife. Maybe he’d closed in on himself and shut off his emotions like I did. Maybe his control of Hadley was a fear of losing her like he had his wife? My body vibrated with the need to do something. Call her?

  No. I’d give her time. I hoped she’d think things over and realize she was wrong. That you weren’t weak if you needed someone by your side. I parked in my driveway and grabbed my phone. I ignored the blank screen that was devoid of missed calls and waiting texts. I scrolled through my contacts and clicked on Nolan’s name.

  Cade: Can you meet up tomorrow?

  Nolan: Is this about what happened at Mom and Dad’s?

  I hesitated, unsure at first what he was talking about. The worry over my conversation with my parents seemed so long ago, but it was only a few hours.

  Cade: No. They were great. It’s something else.

  Nolan: Sure thing. I can come over tomorrow, or we could go out to a bar?

  Cade: Come over. I need to work on the house anyway.

  I rested my head back on the headrest. Had I fucked up with Hadley? I was just starting to feel like we could be something—that she could be it for me. We felt right together. My parents loved her. I loved her. Blood rushed to my head and I felt dizzy. My chest constricted. I love Hadley.

  My relationship with Hadley was so intense. I fell faster and harder, but maybe because our relationship was born out of my grief. Or because it followed the trauma and despair of the last few years, it was bound to be more emotional, more everything.

  Or it was Hadley. Each relationship in your life was different. Hadley was no exception. I thought I couldn’t offer myself to someone else, but I had. I’d opened myself up just enough that she slipped inside, filling me with hope and love. I thought I was protecting myself, but I couldn’t—not with her.

  I loved her. My heart clenched at the idea that the way I’d left things meant we were over before I had a chance to tell her. I couldn’t lose someone I loved again. I would do everything to get her back.

  I was too wired to sleep last night. The realization that the happiness and hope I’d been feeling was love for Hadley had energized me. I put all of that restless energy into the house—ripping out the tile from the guest bathroom upstairs. It was hard work, but it kept me focused and helped me formulate a plan. I threw the last of the tile and debris in the dumpster outside when Nolan’s truck pulled in next to mine and he jumped out.

  He slammed the door and slowly walked up to me. His eyes were assessing me. “You look like shit. You fuck things up with Hadley between our parents’ house last night and now?”

  I hoped I hadn’t fucked it up. “Hadley’s going back to New Orleans this weekend for her nonprofit’s gala.”

  “Okay.”

  I debated telling him everything because what was going on with her dad felt too personal to share. But I trusted Nolan not to repeat anything and I wanted to talk to someone about it.

  “Her dad is threatening to withdraw his financial backing unless she comes to work for him.”

  “That’s fucked up.”

  “She depended on his money to expand the nonprofit here. She intended to announce her expansion plans at the gala. She can’t do that if he withdraws funding.”

  “That sucks, but I don’t understand why you’re upset?”

  “I want to go with her to support her when she deals with him. He’s intense.” I explained how angry and manipulative he was on the phone with her last night.

  Nolan rubbed his chin as he thought. “You said it was this weekend, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Don’t forget. We postponed the Flores’ renovation reveal to Saturday morning. You couldn’t go with Hadley even if you wanted to.”

  “Shit. I’d completely forgotten about that.” Hadley had consumed me so completely I’d forgotten about my responsibilities. The Flores’ reveal had been postponed for several months because their daughter was hospitalized.

  I turned to go inside as Nolan followed. In the kitchen, I poured cups of coffee for both of us. “Hadley’s event is Saturday evening though. I could still get there in time.”

  I pushed Nolan’s mug across the counter to him.

  I leaned a hip against the counter.

  “Why are you so intent on going with her?” His hand wrapped around the mug as he studied me.

  I leaned a hip against the counter. Should I tell him everything I was feeling? It was the only way to make him understand why I was conflicted. “I’m in love with her.”

  “Oh shit.” He studied my face, narrowing his eyes. “You’re serious?”

  “Never been more serious about anything. I want to be there for her like she was for me.”

  “Did you tell her you loved her?” His forehead wrinkled as he seemingly tried to sift through what I was telling him.

  “No. I realized it on the way home.” What was Hadley thinking? Had she taken my words as an ultimatum? I’d told her I’d be there for her when she was ready. A cold chill ran up my spine. She could have taken it as a sign that I didn’t want to be with her unless she let me come with her.

  My hands shook at the realization. I’d been fueled all night by the idea I loved her, but she didn’t know that. I was in this—I wanted to be with her. I just had to prove it to her.

  “I need your help.”

  Nolan scrubbed his hand over his face. “I’m not sure I’m the best guy to ask for help in a relationship. I’ve never had one, but you could tell her you love her. Maybe if she sees how strongly you feel, she’ll give in to your wishes to be with her.”

  “It’s more than that. She wants to face her father alone. She feels like she has something to prove to him.”

  “If she won’t let you be there for her, there’s not much you can do. You could show up and surprise her, but somehow I don’t think she’d like that.”

  Remembering how she was last night, I didn’t think so either.

  My hands itched with the desire to fix things for Hadley. Instead, I worked on my house. I couldn’t always fix the things in my life with action. Sometimes, you had to let life happen. Let those you love make choices on their own.

  “She has to deal with her dad. It’s up to her whether you’re there or not. And it’s up to you if you can deal with it. There’s no easy answer.”

  “I hope she wakes up with a clearer head than last night. That she realizes it isn’t a bad thing to have someone on your side.”

  “I don’t want you reverting to that asshole you were the last few years. I liked having my brother back. But this is something she has to decide on her own and you need to decide if you’re truly okay with her decision.”

  “Thanks, man. I can’t thank you enough for standing by me through everything. I’m not just talking about today, but Caroline too.”

  Nolan placed a hand on my shoulder. “It’s what brothers do.”

  Understanding and respect passed between us. “I’ll be a better brother to you.”

  Nolan dropped his hand from my shoulder. “You forget that you were a great brother before Caroline died. I looked up to you. I saw you and Caroline as an example of how things could be.”

  “You haven’t limited yourself over the years in relationships because of what happened with Caroline?”

  “No, of course not.” But his face had closed off and his tone was stiff.

  “You can’t live your life based on what happened in mine.” I had no idea if what I was saying was true, but I wanted to make sure he understood.

  “That’s not what I’m doing. I’m just not ready to settle down.” He’d effectively dismissed the conversation, but I’d keep a close eye on him and approach him later. I didn’t want him to miss out on things because my first marriage hadn’t lasted.

  We wor
ked on the house, avoiding talking about Hadley. It didn’t stop my thoughts. Whether I’d completely screwed things up? If I should speak to her about it or wait for her to come to me?

  The reeling questions made my head throb. I’d told her I wasn’t sure if I was capable of a relationship, but I was wrong. I wanted to give her everything. Whatever she wanted. If it was a different house, marriage, or kids. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. Part of that was letting her decide whether she wanted me in New Orleans. I didn’t have to like it, though.

  “You need to buy fixtures, cabinets, and tile for the house.”

  Mostly everything was torn out. It was time to pick out what I wanted my house to look like, but I wanted to make those decisions with Hadley. It was too early to move in together, but if we were going to be together, I wanted her input. Would she want to live here with me eventually? Or would she want to choose a house together? “Is it ridiculous I want her to help me make the decisions on that stuff?”

  “You’re so gone for this woman. I hope that never happens to me. I don’t want to get sentimental over tile choices.” His voice was light and teasing.

  I laughed—the first cleansing emotion I’d felt all day. “I do and I hope you have to work for it. The woman won’t want anything to do with you.”

  “I don’t see that happening, but thanks.”

  “That’s what brothers are for.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  HADLEY

  I sat in my office, staring blankly at my computer screen on Monday morning. I’d tossed and turned all night. When the sky finally lightened to gray behind my curtains, I’d grabbed my phone to text Cade but hesitated my finger over his name and his last text. I had to be strong. That was the whole reason I moved here to start over.

  I didn’t want to talk to him and make things worse. I needed time to figure things out in my head.

  I needed to confront my dad and draw the line between us. I thought the physical distance between New Orleans and Annapolis would be sufficient, but my dad wasn’t letting that stop him.