Before I Die

by Nikki Ash

  “It’s lovely to meet you,” Raquel says, stepping forward and shaking first my mom’s and then my dad’s hand.

  “Did… did you just say?” my mom stutters. “You’re married?”

  “Yes.” I nod, walking past her to give my father a hug.

  “Congratulations,” my dad murmurs. “Would’ve been nice to be there…”

  “Oh, we weren’t either.” Raquel jokingly glares. “We’ll be having another wedding and reception soon.”

  My dad chuckles and nods. “You look happy.”

  “I am.” Tears prick my eyes. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been around…”

  “No, don’t apologize,” he says softly. “I get it. But in the future, if you need a break from your mother, don’t go silent on me, please.”

  “Nevaeh!” Blaire squeals, speed walking down the aisle. “Let me see that ring.”

  “You knew?” my mom spits out, finally finding her voice. “Of course you knew! I always knew you were a bad influence on my daughter.”

  “Mom, this was my decision, not Blaire’s,” I say. “If you can’t be happy for me, that’s fine, but please keep your negativity to yourself.”

  “That is not how you speak to your mother.” She glances around at everyone. “First, I lose your brother and now you.”

  “You haven’t lost me, Mom,” I tell her, taking her hand in mine. “But if you keep pushing me away, you will.”

  “I can’t do this,” she says, yanking her hand from me. “Not here… not now.”

  “Ethan’s parents have invited everyone over for brunch. Why don’t you and I talk after church and then go to their place?” I glance at my father, hoping he’ll back me up, and he doesn’t disappoint.

  “That sounds lovely, Susan. You were just saying you didn’t have time this year to pick anything up to cook.”

  Mom whips around, and even though I can’t see her face, I know she’s glaring at my father. But since we’re at church in front of everyone, and she’s already making a scene, she simply nods and mumbles, “fine” before stalking over to her seat.

  “It could’ve gone worse,” Ethan murmurs into my ear as we find our seat in the same row as my mother.

  The service is the same as every year. We pray and sing, and before the priest closes out the service, the kids come up for a cute little performance. By the time it’s over, I’m feeling a lot calmer and glad Raquel and Ethan insisted we come. That is until I see my mom stand and leave out the side exit.

  “I’m sorry, sweetie,” my dad says, “but your mom said she wasn’t feeling well and insisted I bring her home.”

  “It’s okay, Dad.” I give him a kiss on his cheek. “It’s not your fault. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  He smiles softly at me, and I suddenly feel the need to tell him everything. What Stephen told me, about my condition. I wanted to talk to my mom first, but there’s a chance she won’t come around, and I can’t keep everything from my dad. He deserves better than that.

  “Dad, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  “Nevaeh,” Ethan warns with a shake of his head. “Not here.”

  He’s right, but I do need to tell him.

  “What’s wrong?” my dad asks.

  “Can we talk soon, please? Maybe we can meet for lunch?”

  “Of course. Let me know which day and I’ll make sure to block out as much time as you need.”

  “Okay, thanks. I’ll call you once I figure out which day.”

  “Sounds good.” He kisses my cheek. “Have a good day.” He shakes everyone’s hands before exiting in the same direction my mother left.

  The rest of the morning goes—for the most part—smoothly. Raquel makes a delicious brunch and Blaire, Victor, and their parents join us at Ethan’s parents’ house. Unfortunately, just after we eat and are lounging outside, enjoying the beautiful weather, a headache comes on and Ethan insists we leave. But not before Blaire asks why Ethan is acting like my headache is life-threatening, and I’m forced to tell her everything.

  “You’ve known about this for years and you never told me!” Blaire cries once I finish. “What if something had happened?” She pulls me into a hug and we cry until our tears dry up, and my head is pounding so badly I can barely see straight.

  “You’ll keep me updated from now on,” she tells Ethan. “I don’t trust her to.” She glares my way.

  “I will,” he promises.

  “I have sick days. I’m going to take them for your surgery so I can help Ethan take care of you.”

  “You don’t have to do that.” I shake my head, hating that she has to waste her sick days on me.

  “You’re my best friend. Practically my sister,” she says incredulously. “I want to be mad at you for keeping this from me, but…”

  “But you’re afraid I’m going to die and you don’t want to be mad at me if I do.”

  “Nevaeh!” she shrieks at the same time Ethan barks, “Enough.”

  “What?” I shrug my shoulders. “It’s the truth.”

  “C’mon.” Ethan sighs. “Let’s get you home.”

  “See? You can’t stay mad at me either because I might die.”

  “Nevaeh…” Ethan warns.

  “Fine. Fine.” I turn to Blaire. “Want to come over next weekend? Ethan’s been letting me girlify his place and I would love for you to see it.”

  “Our place,” Ethan says.

  “Huh?” I ask, confused.

  “You said my place.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders and kisses my temple. “It’s our place, baby. You’re my wife. Everything that is mine is yours.”

  “And swoon,” Blaire says dramatically, holding her hands to her heart. “You guys are so freaking cute. Of course I’ll come over! We can have a double date. Do dinner and a movie at your place.”

  “Sounds good.” I give Blaire a hug goodbye. “See you soon.”

  Once we’re home, after Ethan gets me a glass of water and a couple pain pills, I lie down to go to sleep. Ethan tells me if I need anything, he’ll be getting some work done in his office.

  I snuggle into my blankets and am about to close my eyes when I see my list on the nightstand. Snatching it up, I wrap my blanket over my shoulders and head out to the balcony. With two comfortable lounge chairs and a table that overlook the water, it has quickly become my favorite place to sit and relax.

  Once I’m situated, I open the list and read through each item. I stop when I get to make love somewhere crazy. My thoughts go back to a couple days ago—to Ethan making love to me against his car. To the things he said to me. His words have been on replay in my head since he spoke them. He’s right… I know he is. For years I considered this list living, and since I met him, I’ve checked off more items than ever before, and so I told myself I was finally living. And I am… to a certain extent. But I’ve also been so focused on trying to achieve my goals before I die, I’ve been going through the motions and not stopping to enjoy my life. I created this list so I could look at everything I’ve done and say, “I’ve lived,” but life isn’t about crossing items off a checklist, it’s about living in the moment. Being happy and in love. Making memories. Spending time with the people who are important to me. Before Ethan, I was living—it was just different. I had Blaire and my job and church, and sure, I wanted more, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t living, and it’s not fair to diminish those parts of my life.

  When I married Ethan, it wasn’t because it was an item on my list. It was because I love him. When I make love to him, it’s not because it’s on my list, it’s because he’s the other half of me. The tattoo I got wasn’t because it’s on my list. It’s because I wanted something to remember my brother by. When Ethan and I danced in the rain, sure it was on my list, but I think it would’ve happened even if it wasn’t. And do I really want every memory I make to be because of a list or because it’s what we chose to do in the moment?

  Ethan was right. Life is more than a list to be
checked off. It’s about living in the moment so you don’t miss the ones not on the list—the ones you didn’t even know you wanted.

  And now it’s time I start living for me instead of this list.

  Without giving it a second thought, I do something I never imagined I would do—I crumple up the list and throw it over the balcony. I watch as it soars through the wind and then disappears into the darkness. Then I go in search of Ethan. It’s time we start living.

  When I get to his office, I find him sitting in his office chair with his elbows on his knees and his head between his hands. He appears to be staring at something, but I can’t make out what it is.

  “Hey, are you okay?” I ask, walking in.

  He looks up and there are tears in his eyes.

  “What happened?” I rush over to him and he sets whatever he’s holding on the desk and then pulls me into his lap. I twist to see what he was looking at and am shocked by what I see.

  “Is that…”

  “The ultrasound picture of my daughter? Yeah. She died twelve years ago, today, and this is the only picture I have of her. It was from the checkup when we found out she was a girl.”

  “Oh, Ethan!” I wrap my arms around him and hug him tight. I’ve been so wrapped up in everything in my life, I didn’t even stop to ask him about the details of his.

  “I was sitting here thinking about her and Kelsi… and you.”

  I nod, holding my breath, waiting for him to explain.

  “After Kelsi and I lost our baby, I had her buried. A tiny little casket buried in the earth in a small cemetery. My mom had already left and Kelsi was nowhere to be found. My dad insisted I do it, said I would regret it one day if I didn’t lay her to rest. So, standing with a priest in front of her open grave was just me and my dad. The priest gave his rehearsed speech about losing a child and then he and my father gave me time with her before they lowered her into the ground.

  “While I was sitting there, on the grass, cursing God and the world, a woman walked over to the tombstone next to my daughter’s. She laid a bushel of flowers down and kissed the marble. I noticed the dates were close together. She had lost her daughter when she was only a few weeks old.”

  I tighten my arms around Ethan, wanting to comfort him, but I don’t say a word. It’s the first time he’s told me about any of this, and I don’t want him to stop.

  “She told me she was sorry for my loss and I reciprocated. Then she took my hand in hers and told me that God has a plan for each one of us and one day I would understand why things happen the way they do.”

  Ethan pauses for a long moment, as if he’s remembering what happened. His eyes widen and he swallows thickly before he clears his throat. “Anyway, I didn’t get it then, but I get it now… I would give anything to have my daughter alive, but the events that happened led us to right here, right now. They led me to you.”

  “Oh, Ethan,” I choke out, unable to speak with the large lump in my throat.

  Ethan takes a deep breath. “I lost my way, Angel, but in finding you, I also found myself. I know you’re having trouble finding your way back to God. You’re struggling with what to believe in… So, while you’re figuring it all out, how about I believe enough for the both of us? Just until you find your way back.”

  Closing my eyes, I bury my face into Ethan’s neck and release the sob that was threatening to break free. “Shh… It’s okay,” he says, rubbing my back. “I’ll be strong enough for both of us, baby.”

  “That’s actually why I came in here,” I tell him, pulling back so I can look him in the eyes. “I’m ready to be strong. I am strong. I want to live hard and love harder.”

  Ethan nods, but his brows are furrowed together in confusion.

  “I threw my list away. You were right. It’s time I live for me… for us… in the moment. And not because I might die from a brain tumor or during surgery, but because we only get one life on Earth, and in this life, I met the most amazing man whom I love more than words can describe. I want to live this life with you.”

  Ethan’s lips curl into a beautiful smile. “And I want to live this life with you.” He frames my cheeks with his hands. “Now, tell me, baby, how do you want to live?”

  I glance around the room and spot an eccentric piece of art on his wall. It’s a puzzle of the United States. Climbing out of his lap, I walk over to it and Ethan follows. “I’m going to close my eyes and point, and wherever it lands, we’re going to travel to.”

  “Now?”

  “Yep. Now. There’s no time like the present.”

  Ethan chuckles. “Go for it.”

  Ethan

  Nevaeh is the same woman who kissed me in my club. The same woman I took from Logan’s home and brought to my dad’s beach house. She’s the same woman I fell in love with—said ‘I do’ to, yet she’s different. Her smile is brighter, her eyes are softer. She’s content—happy.

  And so am I.

  The last thing I needed was to spend more time away from the club and my business, if anything I needed to spend more time there. But when she closed her eyes and pointed at the map, landing on Florida, I knew there was nothing that would keep me from getting in the car and driving away with her. Luckily, my parents had offered to step in and keep an eye on the club and run things while we’re away. I rented a comfortable SUV since I only have my sports car, we packed a couple bags, and hit the road.

  “Did you know they have the museum of the Bible?” Nevaeh says, scrolling through some website on her phone. She’s been researching everything we can stop and see along the way. She doesn’t realize if we were to try to do everything she’s mentioned, it would take a damn year, but I don’t tell her that. Every time she suggests another place, I nod and smile, and she adds it to her list. Yes, my wife has created a new list. Only she would throw one list away, and then turn around and create another. It’s safe to say she has no idea what the word spontaneous means.

  “So, are we stopping there too?”

  “Maybe.” She shrugs. But when I glance over, I see the notepad app pulled up, telling me she’s already jotting it down.

  A few minutes later, she gasps. “Have you ever been to North Carolina?”

  “Nope.”

  “I just came across a cabin there that’s for rent. It’s up in the mountains and it’s so pretty.”

  She flashes me the screen of the two-story wood cabin with a bright green roof surrounded by trees with the back drop of several mountains.

  “It looks so peaceful.” She sighs in contentment.

  “So, let’s go.”

  “I thought we were going to Washington DC… and Virginia, and Georgia, and Florida.” She glances down at her notepad for several seconds then hits the delete button. “Okay.” She nods, showing me the blank page. “Let’s do it.”

  She taps away on her phone. “How long?”

  “Do it for a week and then we can decide from there.” We can always leave early or go someplace else. She has three weeks until her surgery, so we have plenty of time.

  “Can we still go to Disney after?” She looks up at me with her big brown eyes and thick fluttering lashes. “I really want to meet Mickey.”

  “We can do whatever you want.”

  She beams and does a little happy dance in her seat. “Yay! I’m so excited. This is so exciting!”

  It’s a twelve-hour drive to Franklin, North Carolina, which is spent with Nevaeh playing deejay, belting out songs like it’s karaoke night at the local bar, and stopping along the way at the rest stops to buy coffee and food. The last couple hours, though, Nevaeh crashes and I drive in silence. It gives me time to think about everything. Her upcoming surgery, what I want for our future. With me going legit, eventually I’m going to need to supplement the income I’m losing with new money, and I’ve been thinking about opening another club somewhere. Maybe after she’s better and healed we can discuss taking a longer road trip to check out locations. I’ve also spoken to my dad about opening another hotel an
d casino. It would be nice to get away from Atlantic City for a little while.

  A couple hours later, we arrive at our destination. Nevaeh wakes up, refreshed and eager to check out the place. The home is even bigger than it looked in the pictures and has a wraparound porch overlooking the mountains.

  “Let’s look at the backyard,” she insists, taking my hand in hers and sprinting around the side of the house.

  “Oh my God! Ethan, look!” To the left of the house is a massive natural waterfall that leads to a stream that runs around the perimeter of the property.

  Nevaeh kicks off her boots and peels off her socks, then rolls her jeans up a couple inches before she walks right into the stream. “It’s chilly, but it feels so good. You can see right to the bottom.” She kneels, getting her jeans soaked. Cupping her hands, she takes in a handful of water. “It’s so fresh and clean.”

  We spend the next hour or so walking down the stream—of course she insists I get barefoot and join her in the water. Nevaeh points out the fish and leaves and pebbles. We walk behind a ranch and she stops to pet the horses. It’s the most peaceful and calm I’ve yet to see her since I met her. So much so, when she jokingly suggests we buy a place here, I seriously consider it. It wouldn’t be the ideal place to open a club or hotel, but maybe I can look into the surrounding areas. Tennessee isn’t too far…

  When we return to the cabin, we head to the back to grab our shoes and socks. “I’ll grab the luggage while you get the key from where they left it.”

  “Actually…” She takes my shoes from my fingers and drops them. “I was thinking we could spend a little more time out here.” She waggles her brows playfully then undoes the button to my jeans.

  As she pulls the zipper down, I glance around, already knowing there’s nobody anywhere near us, but still wanting to double-check. Then, following her lead, I lift her shirt off her body and unclasp her bra. Her breasts drop slightly, her nipples pebbling from the cool breeze. I pinch the hardened peaks between my thumbs and forefingers and she moans loudly, the sound of pleasure echoing in the trees.