Remember Me Always (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Air Force Fire Protection Specialists Book 7)

by Jen Talty

  She dared to take a break and glanced up at him with a smile.

  “That’s enough,” he commanded. “Come here.” Though he hadn’t thought that through when she climbed up on top of him. He grabbed her hips and held her steady for a long moment, staring into her eyes. “You’re still the most amazing and beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

  Their bodies moved in unison. Each of them knew exactly what the other one needed.

  Wanted.

  And neither one disappointed.

  He dug his heels into the mattress and raised up with a quick thrust, pulling her chest to his as he slipped his tongue into her mouth with the same passion as their bodies. They shuddered and jerked, gasping for air for long moments before he managed to roll her to the side, taking her into his arms.

  He’d come home.

  Or maybe she’d come home.

  Either way, he was never, ever going to let her go. He ran his hands up and down her arms, just enjoying being in her presence when it hit him.

  No condom.

  “Shit,” he mumbled. “Are you taking birth control?”

  She gasped, glancing up at him. “That wasn’t too smart.”

  “Nothing we can do about it now.” And suddenly, he didn’t care. Having a kid with her had turned out to be amazing.

  Having another one just might be exactly what they needed.

  Chapter 7

  Having sex with Gunner was a mistake she could live with, had they used protection. Even though she was barely thirty, her biological clock wasn’t ticking. Raising Davidson…David…was all she could manage. Another child would toss her over the edge.

  Waking up in Gunner’s arms was a mistake she couldn’t allow to happen again. For years, she imagined him running back into her life and them becoming a postcard family. She used to dream about them taking vacations on the beach. Or maybe to the mountains where they would sip hot chocolate and play in the snow.

  That was a fantasy, and she knew it.

  Didn’t matter that the sex was still mind-blowing or that she still loved Gunner with every ounce of her being.

  Too many hurtful things had been said, and too much time had passed.

  Sure, they could form a family, because they were one.

  But not one where Gunner and David made her breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day. No, they’d be the type of family where David would spend half his time with his father, and the other half with her. Her best hope was that they would manage to be civil enough to have holidays together.

  “Ace will be by in about twenty minutes.” Gunner stepped out onto the front patio wearing the same clothes he’d worn the night before. He handed her a cup of coffee and dared to kiss her lips.

  Like an idiot, she kissed him back, letting her tongue greet his with the promise of another romp in the sack.

  She jerked her head back. “You should go change.”

  “Why?” He made himself a little too comfortable next to her, looping his arm over her shoulder as if this were an everyday occurrence.

  “I don’t want David to know you slept here last night.”

  “He’s ten. He won’t notice.”

  She took a small sip of the bitter liquid, glaring through the steam. “He’s smart. He’ll be the first one to point it out.”

  “I’ve got an extra shirt in my truck.” Gunner set his mug down.

  Sadly, she eyed him as he walked barefoot to the driveway. Who kept extra clothes in their vehicle?

  A player. That’s who.

  Mentally, she rolled her eyes. The Gunner she knew was anything but a player. Even if he had a series of one-night stands, she was as sure as the sky was blue that Gunner never played them and that they always knew the score.

  Breathlessly, she watched him take off his shirt. She had noticed the redness around some of the words on his tattoo, but not on all of them.

  She knew Colt had a similar saying on his back.

  “Better?” he asked with a smile.

  She nodded. “Is the tattoo new?”

  “I got most of it a couple days after Courtney’s funeral, but I added the last line yesterday.”

  “And family rules the heart,” she said softly. “I think that is the sweetest thing you’ve ever done.”

  “I was talking with the tattoo artist, and I want to put David’s birthday and his full name somewhere on my body.”

  “You’re killing me here,” she said.

  “Why?”

  “Because I think it’s best if we don’t sleep together again. I don’t want to confuse David.”

  “Confuse him how?”

  “About us,” she said, keeping her gaze on the branches ruffling in the breeze. “I absolutely want to do whatever it takes to make sure you and our son develop a special bond. I’ll do whatever it takes to facilitate that, but I don’t want him to get his hopes up that you and I will be a couple.”

  “He wants us to be a family.”

  “Of course he does, and that’s partly why I had reservations about letting him spend the night with Alex. It’s obvious how much Ace and Lexi love each other, and their kids are fantastic. They are the picture-perfect family, and all that’s going to do is make David want it more.”

  “He’s wanted more his entire life, and don’t use him to avoid us.”

  She let out a sarcastic laugh. “You mean like how you used Courtney’s death to avoid me.”

  “Exactly. Regardless, we need to develop a plan moving forward, and part of that plan needs to have a place for us to figure out how we really feel about each other, without dragging our son into it.”

  “Last night was a reconciliation of the past, pure and simple.”

  “Not sure how following you into the bathroom at three in the morning and bending you over the sink is pure, and this situation isn’t simple.”

  Her cheeks heated remembering their extensive lovemaking. It was as if they were desperate to make up for the past.

  “It was a way to forgive each other. To let go,” she said.

  “You can lie to me all you want, but don’t lie to yourself. I know you still care about me.”

  Of course she did. He was the father of her child. Not a day had gone by where she hadn’t thought about Gunner. Wondered what he was doing. If he was happy. Married. Had more children. Even when she hated him, she wanted the best for him. “Caring isn’t the point. Caring is what will make us good co-parents, so long as we put the past where it belongs.”

  “I can do that, but I want us to have a future.”

  For now, she would ignore his desire to have a relationship. “We need to clear the air about one more thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I don’t take responsibility for Courtney’s suicide, and I can’t have that hanging over our heads. I don’t want it tainting our son.”

  “What does he believe the reason was for our breakup?” Gunner asked as he rested his mug on the table and leaned forward, catching her gaze.

  She wanted to close her eyes or turn away. Staring at him would only give away her true feelings.

  And fears, which she’d rather not expose to Gunner. She needed to be strong for herself and for her son. Gunner had a track record for running when things got tough. “I don’t like lying to my son, so I try to stay as close to the truth as possible.”

  “That doesn’t answer my question.”

  David had always been an inquisitive boy. He wasn’t shy either. His outgoing personality sometimes drained her, but in the most positive way. She admired his ability to make the world smile with him even when things weren’t great for him, like when he’d broken his leg and needed a cast. All the nurses loved him and told her how lucky she was to have such a wonderful little man in her life. “I told him that we lost a close friend and sometimes things like that can cause problems in relationships, and we were too young to deal with it.”

  “Look. I don’t think us jumping into happy family mode is a good idea, but we’re goin
g to be spending a lot of time together, and I have a lot of unresolved feelings,” Gunner said.

  “Well, resolve them. I have.”

  His brow curved into a sarcastic arch. “Last night says otherwise.”

  “I haven’t had sex in over a year.”

  “You just got divorced a few months ago.”

  “It was more a marriage of convenience than anything else.” In the years she’d been with her ex-husband, she’d never uttered those words, even though she and Doug knew it was true. They were both lonely and wanted someone to talk to. They’d been good friends that ended up having bad sex occasionally. Doug was a good man, and she thought that would make for a lasting, loving relationship since the true love she shared with Gunner had been so easily tossed away. “I was trying to give up on you, and Doug was a kind, sweet man. But he was still in love with his ex-wife.”

  “Doesn’t sound like that’s anyway to live.”

  “And how have you been living?”

  “Most definitely worse,” he said.

  “How so?” she asked. Anything to keep the conversation away from them having sex or a relationship.

  “When I first joined the Air Force, all I wanted to do was go to the Middle East. Looking back, I think I wanted to die.”

  She swallowed the gasp that bubbled up from her gut. Never once had she thought about dying. Maybe that had been because less than a week after Courtney had killed herself, she knew about David. She always had a piece of Gunner. “Because of what Courtney did?”

  He shook his head, glancing down at his feet. “No. I think it had more to do with the fact I knew deep down in my soul I had made a mistake.”

  This time she couldn’t control the guttural response to his statement. “Are you just coming to this realization? Or is it something you’ve thought about from the beginning?”

  “Both.”

  “I don’t see how that’s possible.”

  He took her hands in his, pulling her closer. “The day at the cemetery, I wanted to change my mind. I wanted to hold you and love you and cry with you.”

  “Why didn’t you?” Hearing this now didn’t make up for the last ten years of tears, but she desperately wanted to know why.

  She needed to know what he was thinking and feeling back then if only to make sense of everything that had happened in the last couple of days.

  “I wanted to feel the kind of pain that Courtney felt.”

  “You wanted to feel alone?” Arcadia couldn’t be certain exactly how or what had been going on in Courtney’s mind or heart, but years of training and practicing as a therapist helped Arcadia understand that many of her clients felt an overwhelming and utterly consuming sense of loneliness.

  “I wanted to know what it was like to be separated from the one person I loved more than anything in this world.”

  “Do you have any idea how fucked up that sounds?”

  “So says the professional.” He tugged at her hands, pulling her into his lap.

  Her mind told her to move back to her own chair, but her heart seemed to rule her actions right now. Besides, it felt so good to be in his arms, even if it was going to end, again. “And you ended up hurting me while torturing yourself.”

  “I am sorry for that,” he said. “My first deployment, I seriously considered reaching out to you, but we were ambushed, and we lost five men on my team. I had gone to boot camp with two of them, and one of them was my roommate back at the base.” He cupped her chin, rubbing his thumb across her cheek and down her neck. “I became numb, and from that point on, I’ve kept a safe distance from everyone, including Colt. We’ve barely spoken over the last few years. He told me to get my head on straight and call you.”

  “You’re making it hard for me to hate your brother.” She didn’t even bother to try to keep from smiling. All she’d ever wanted was the truth from Gunner. To understand his actions. It didn’t matter how crazy they seemed, or even irrational, but knowing why gave her some peace.

  And it would be the stepping stone to healing so they could be friends.

  Which meant she really needed to get off his lap.

  “When it sunk in that I had a son, with you, every emotion I’ve ever tried to bury, destroy, ignore, or toss away smacked me in the gut. I haven’t been living for the last ten years. I’ve been waiting to die. I’m the first one to volunteer for every dangerous assignment. It pisses off my captain because he then has to deal with a replacement while I’m gone. He’s tried to block my requests a few times, and he’s made it damn near impossible for me to transfer, which is frustrating mostly because the longer I stay, the more I care about the men and women I work with.”

  He spoke so fast and with such passion, she couldn’t bring herself to tell him to stop, even though she knew enough to accept, forgive, and move forward.

  “When I came here, I was assigned to a different unit with a different captain. A special op came up, and I joined forces with Ace and Hunter. They brought me on their team, but I continued to volunteer and request to move.”

  “Why?” she managed to interject.

  “That male bonding crap crawled in under my skin, reminding me of what I walked away from. Only Ace likes the team he built and isn’t prepared to let any of us go.”

  “Sounds like you’ve got yourself a little work family.” Without thinking, she cupped his face and brushed her lips across his. “You’re a good man, and I know you’re going to be a great father. We’ll figure all this out.”

  “Us too?” He slipped his hands under her shirt, tenderly massaging her aching muscles. “I know we can’t just pick up where we left off. We’ve both changed, not to mention we have a son, but we should spend time together. Date.”

  “You want to date me?”

  He nodded with the same stupid grin he had when she finally said yes to dating him the first time, even though they had done so in secret. The only people who knew about them for the longest time had been his brother Colt, and who was he going to tell?

  “What’s the worst that can happen?”

  “We hurt our son,” she said, dropping her hand to her lap. She tried to stand, but he held her tight.

  “No matter what happens, I’m committed to being a family. I think we owe it to our son to see if there is more than hot sex still between us.” He pressed his mouth against hers while his tongue darted into her mouth, swirling around like wine hugging glass. He’d always been a master at kissing. His lips had always been soft and tender but demanding at the same time. He tasted like a warm summer breeze rolling in off the ocean.

  Whenever she had been in his arms, she’d felt safe and loved.

  This moment was no different, and that scared her.

  “Do you have to do that in front of the entire neighborhood?”

  Arcadia jumped at the sound of her son’s voice. She hadn’t even heard the Jeep that had stopped in her driveway only thirty feet away.

  “I mean I’m happy about it, but it’s kind of gross,” David said.

  “Trust me, it won’t be gross when you’re like sixteen.” Ace stood next to David with his hand on his shoulder.

  “You can think it’s gross for as long as you like because your mama isn’t ready for you to grow up.” Arcadia pulled her son in for a hug, giving him a big kiss on the cheek while her own cheeks heated from embarrassment.

  She wasn’t sure if it was from her son catching her making out with his father or from the way Gunner continued to look at her with lust—and maybe something akin to love—in his eyes. She’d seen that look many times years ago. It unnerved her then, but today it made her question every decision she’d made in the last ten years.

  “Did you hear about the yacht we were invited on today?” David asked as he practically pranced on tiptoes.

  “I haven’t had the chance to tell your mom about that,” Gunner said.

  “Because you were too busy kissing.” David’s face scrunched up as if he’d just eaten something sour. “Can we go?”r />
  “Most of the team and their families are going,” Ace said. “I know Hunter and his wife Claire would love it if you all came. It’s a lot of fun between the yacht, jet skis, and they even have a power boat for tubing and such.”

  “Please, Mom? Can we go?”

  “Yeah, please, can we go?” Gunner asked with the same puppy eyes his son had.

  “You two drive a hard bargain.” She nodded, although there was no question about whether or not she’d go. If she was going to keep Gunner in her life, she needed to meet his friends and do whatever it took to ensure he’d have the best relationship with his son, regardless of what happened with her and Gunner, though things did look pretty promising.

  “Mind if I have a word with Gunner alone?” Ace asked.

  “Not at all.” Arcadia rested her hand on her son’s back. “We’ll be inside. Say thank you to Ace.”

  “Thanks!” David raised his fist, and Ace pounded it. “I’m going to go text Alex and tell him I’m going!”

  “I’m sure he’ll be happy about that, David,” Ace said.

  “I like being called David.” David glanced between her and Gunner.

  “It’s a good name,” Arcadia said.

  David smiled and raced into the house.

  “I’ll leave you two alone.” As gracefully as she could, she made her way into the kitchen where her son stood with his hands on his hips.

  “Are you and Daddy together?”

  These were questions she’d rather not field just yet, but since she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar, she needed to come up with something that would satisfy her son’s natural curiosity and wouldn’t make her and Gunner the couple of the month.

  “Have you had breakfast? I can make some pancakes or French toast.”

  “I’ve already eaten.” There was a tremble in David’s voice, as if he were holding back tears. “Are you and Daddy going to be a couple?”

  “Your father and I haven’t seen each other in ten years. When he left for the military, we weren’t on the best of terms, but seeing each other again, well, it’s hard not to have feelings, but that doesn’t make us a couple.”