A Hoboken Hipster in Sherwood Forest

by Mari Mancusi

Robin hates women for what Marion did to him. I can see why. I definitely have a thing against certain men.

  "Wow. I'm so sorry you had to go through that," I say, realizing I'd been lost in my own angry thoughts and hadn't properly responded. "That really sucks."

  "Sucks?"

  Oops. Gotta chill with the 21st centuryisms. "That's terrible," I amend. "Very ... bad."

  "Aye."

  I look at him thoughtfully. "Would you ever go back to her? If she came out to Sherwood Forest and asked for another chance?" I always wonder this about myself. If Danny begged for forgiveness, would I grant it? Or perhaps more importantly, should I? We vowed through good times and bad. I just never thought the bad would involve a waitress with Megan Fox-like boobs.

  Robin shrugs. "To be honest, I do not know. But 'twill never happen, so 'tis useless to talk of it."

  Sigh. He's probably right. Why would the gold-digging chick want to live this type of life when she's probably got a sweet setup back at the castle? But that's so sucky. I mean, how could she choose some other random guy over Robin here? Sure, he can be a bit arrogant and pigheaded, but he's really a nice guy. Loyal, brave, confident....

  Eesh. Now I sound like I'm falling for him. Which I'm totally not. I mean, yes, I'm attracted to him. How could I not be? He's handsome as sin. But that's as far as it goes. I'm not ready for a new relationship yet. Especially not with a 12th-century outlaw who thinks I'm a eunuch. No matter what Nimue predicted, it just ain't happening.

  Besides, the history books always have Robin ending up with Maid Marion, right? What would happen if I showed up and inadvertently changed all that? I mean, hey, I've seen Back to the Future 2 a few times, and changing history is never pretty.

  Bottom line? It's totally not worth altering the world as we know it for a quick rebound romance, no matter how hot the guy.

  Once again, it seems like my role here is to fix things. Now that I've got Robin stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, it must be time to get his lady friend back. Luckily, I've seen a lot of Dr. Phil.

  "Look, Rob. It may feel useless to talk about it, but in a way it could be therapeutic too."

  "Thera—?" He cocks his head. Oops, psychobabble terms have probably yet to be invented.

  "Um, good for the soul," I amend quickly. "The heart. You know, it's not always healthy to keep your anger wrapped up inside. It'll just eat away at you. Make you bitter and vengeful. Do you really want her having so much power over you?"

  "She has no power over me," he retorts—way too strongly.

  "Um, yeah, sure." I laugh. "Look. First you need to give yourself permission to feel hurt at her betrayal. Men hardly ever do that, you know. They just push it down deep inside. Pretend it doesn't matter. And then their anger grows to monstrous proportions and they go punch walls. Or start wars. But if they'd just talk about it, get it out..."

  Ugh. I feel like I'm lecturing myself. I haven't exactly been forthcoming about the whole Danny thing either. In fact, no one knows it even happened. It's just too embarrassing to admit, even to close friends. Not that I have many close friends.

  Robin scowls. "I told you everything already."

  "Right. Well, how about this? What would you say to Marion if she suddenly showed up to camp?"

  He shrugs his shoulders but says nothing. Grr. Men can be such pains in the ass at times.

  "You're in a safe place here. You can say anything," I press. "What is said at the lakeshore stays at the lakeshore."

  He stares down at his hands, stripping a twig of its bark.

  "Come on, man," I say, softening my tone. "I know it's something you've imagined a million times."

  He narrows his eyes and presses his lips together firmly before speaking. "I would...." he begins, his voice surprising me with its unsteadiness. "I would... ask her why she did it," he says slowly. "Why she did not wait for me."

  The pain in his voice makes me ache inside. Poor guy. Poor, poor guy. This Marion chick is a real bitch and a half, isn't she? I know what I'd do if she showed up at camp. I'd smack her upside the head.

  "That'd be a good start. What else?"

  "I do not know," he says, shrugging his broad shoulders and staring at the ground.

  "Yes, you do."

  He sighs deeply. "I would... I would tell her that I loved her. That I would have done... anything." He looks over at me for the first time, his brilliant green eyes clouded. "I would have... I would have died for her, Christian."

  Tears prick the corners of my eyes as I look back at him. How could Marion do this, blow off a guy who loved her so much? Stupid bitch. She doesn't know how good she had it. A once-in-a-lifetime storybook love. A man willing to lay down his very life for her. And she gave it up for a few pieces of silver.

  What I wouldn't give to have someone feel that way about me. But that'll never happen. I'm not the kind of girl who gamers that kind of love. Hell, my own mother would have sold me for a nickel bag of pot. Actually I think one time she did. And Danny... Oh Danny, why?

  "Are you crying?" Robin asks suddenly, cocking his head in confusion. "Did I upset you by my words?"

  I swipe at my eyes with my sleeve. "No. Sorry," I say, my face burning with embarrassment. "Your story just... affected me. I'm real sensitive. Always crying at movies—er... plays." They did have plays in medieval times, right? God, what I wouldn't give for five minutes with Wikipedia to look this stuff up.

  Robin reaches over and awkwardly takes my hand in his, giving it a small squeeze. The gesture sends a flood of longing straight to my already aching heart. He's so sweet. So genuine and true. He would have never cheated on Marion with a waitress. Heck, he wouldn't have cheated with the queen of England. He's the type of man who's loyal to a fault. The one who loves with all his soul.

  And where does that loyalty leave him? Heartbroken and alone. Just like me.

  Love is so overrated.

  Robin releases my hand and I look over, catching a small blush on his face. He's probably realizing it might not be too cool to start petting the eunuch. Suddenly the urge to tell him the truth about who I am overwhelms me. What would he do if I told him I was a woman? What would he do if I told him I was from the future? Would he forgive me? Would he fall in love with me? Not that I want that to happen. Well, not really...

  Get a hold of yourself, Chrissie! This isn't some random encounter with a random guy you met in the woods. You already know how the legend plays out. Who he ends up with. No matter what issues they're having now, Robin marries Maid Marion. End of story. Don't go falling for someone who's destined to hook up with someone else. You'll just be left, once again, heartbroken and alone.

  Thankfully Robin changes the subject. "I saw you holding a bow yesterday," he says. "How are you at archery?"

  I swallow hard, pushing my emotions back down my throat, just as I instructed him not to do moments earlier. But what choice do I have? If I fall apart here, he'll just freak out and run in the other direction. And where will that leave me? No, it's better to stay in character. A place to sleep and food to eat are more important at the moment than indulging in my mixed-up feelings and sharing them with someone who wouldn't be interested in listening.

  I wrinkle my nose and force myself to laugh. "The bow? I'm terrible. I can't seem to get the hang of aiming the damn thing."

  "I figured as much," he says, reaching over to ruffle my hair. His fingers tingle as they lightly scrape against my scalp. "Tomorrow, if you wish, I will aim to teach you the secret."

  "Yeah?" I ask, stealing a glance at him. He smiles at me, a gentle sweet smile that breaks my heart. "That would be... nice."

  God, I'm falling for him. I'm really, truly falling for him. This is very bad. I must stop. I'm going to get hurt. And I can't take any more hurt. Not right now. Not when I've yet to recover from the first round of the stuff.

  He nods. "Aye. ‘Tis the least I can do. You have brought much joy to my men since your arrival, young Christian. And to... me as well."

 
; I have to restrain myself from beaming stupidly at the compliment. Joy. I bring him joy. That's good, right? Chrissie the joy bringer. Making men merry throughout Sherwood Forest.

  So why oh why can't I just be content with that?

  Chapter Eight

  "Stand with your body at a right angle to the target there…."

  I shift position a bit, trying to line up with the bull's-eye in front of me. Robin inspects my stance with a critical glare.

  "No, no," he says, shaking his head. "Imagine a line connecting from your left shoulder to the target."

  "Can't we just get to shooting the arrow?" I ask. Not to be a whiner, but we've been at the positioning thing for the last half hour. I want some target practice, baby!

  "Shooting from the right position is half the trick to hitting your mark."

  Of course it is. This guy's as bad as Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid. I'll go ballistic if he starts teaching me the zen of wax on, wax off in a thinly veiled effort to get his horse washed.

  "How's this?" I ask, shifting once more.

  "Aye, 'tis not bad. Now take the bow." Robin hands me a bow almost the size of my body. "And hold it out with your left hand, like so."

  I do as he instructs. I feel pretty cool, holding an actual medieval bow in my hands. I mean, what if I turn out to be a complete natural? I am learning from the best in the land. Maybe I could go do some competitions. Earn a little fame back here in the 12th century.

  "Very good. Now 'tis time to nock the arrow," Robin says, pulling one from his quiver.

  "Uh, like this?" I ask, knocking once on the wooden shaft. It seems pretty silly to me, but maybe it's some kind of weird tradition around here. Thanking God for arrows, or something. Knocking on wood that they hit their mark?

  Robin rolls his eyes. "Not knocking, nocking! Fit the arrow on the string."

  Oh. Duh, Chrissie. I take the arrow and slip the string into the groove, holding it in place with my right hand.

  "Now hold the bow with your left hand and rest the tip of the arrow on top."

  I can do this part. I've seen it in the movies.

  "Now, pull the string toward you and when you've lined up your arrow with your target, release.”

  Yeah, baby. Now we're talking. I start pulling back on the string and....

  "Uh..."

  "Pull back on the string, lad," Robin repeats patiently.

  "I, um..." I can feel sweat beading at my temples. God, this is embarrassing. Come on, Chris! You've never been some girlie-girl, have you?

  "Too tough for you, eh?" Robin asks, that patronizing look back on his face. Grr.

  "Not. At. All!" I cry, pulling back with all my might. The good news is I manage to pull back the string enough to get some tension on the bow. The bad news is that I completely lose all sense of aim. The arrow goes flying wildly through the air, up into the sky, then downward ... straight into Little John's big behind, which happens to be sticking out as he tends the fire.

  "Ow!" he howls, practically falling head first into the cooking pot. He turns around. "What in God's—?"

  Horrified, I drop the bow and rush over. What if it's a bad injury? What if it gets infected and he dies? After all, they don't have penicillin yet. What if I've just inadvertently killed the famous Little John?

  "Are you okay?" I ask, trying to get behind him so I can inspect the arrow sticking out of him. "I'm so, so sorry!" He circles around to try to face me. We dance this way for a bit, before he reaches behind him and feels the arrow

  "Ye'd better work on yer aim, boy," he says, shaking his head.

  "Are you all right, John?" Robin says, rushing over. His face shows concern, but a closer look reveals a bit of mischief in his sparkling eyes. What do you know, he thinks it's funny! Thank goodness.

  "God's teeth! I've got a bloody arrow stuck in my arse. Aye, I'm just lovely," John growls. "Thanks to your young apprentice here. I'm glad 'tis Will Scarlet who's responsible for training the rest of this sorry lot. For the best shot in the county, you make a lousy teacher." He tries to reach around to grab the arrow from his behind. Unfortunately for him, he's just too round about the middle to reach, and so he ends up circling a few times before stumbling to the ground, luckily not onto the arrow itself.

  Oh. My. God. I'm going to die of humiliation.

  "I suggest you wander over to Friar Tuck's tent," Robin says, with a face that looks like he's withholding a lot of laughter at his buddy's expense. "He'll yank it out of your backside—and he'll ply you with enough mead afterward to make you forget 'twas ever there."

  "Aye, sounds like a plan," Little John agrees, nodding. "At least he didn't puncture the barrel."

  "Yea, that'd totally be alcohol abuse!" I say, chuckling. The two men look at me. Sigh. I can't wait to get back to a time where people understand my jokes.

  "Now, young Christian," Robin says, "I think it best if we continue our lessons on the morrow. For now, I have something I would like to show you."

  "Okay," I say, wondering what on earth it could be. I follow him to the edge of the camp where a chestnut brown mare stands docile, saddled and tied to a tree. Robin slaps her affectionately a few times, then frees her from the tree, sticking his foot in a stirrup and hopping up on her back. Then he reaches down and motions for me to take his hand. I put my hand in his and he scoops me up onto the horse so I'm riding in front of him. He flicks the reins and off we go.

  "Where are we headed?" I ask curiously, trying not to notice the way Robin's muscular chest presses against my back. Every movement feels intense. Intimate. And he has no idea.

  "I told you about Castle Locksley," he says. "My ancestral home. I thought mayhap you'd care to see it with your own eyes."

  Oh cool, a real life castle. And not just any castle, but Robin's. "Nice. I'd love to see where you grew up," I say, smiling. He must really like me if he wants to show me his home, right? "That'd be really great."

  "Well, do not expect too much," he adds. "When the sheriff’s men invaded it and arrested my father for treason, they looted the treasure and destroyed the rest. Today Locksley Castle is merely a burnt-out husk of the glorious home it once was." His voice is melancholy, and I wish I could turn around and give him a hug. Obviously the place meant a lot to him. By default, it suddenly means a lot to me.

  "Well, I still want to see it," I assure him. "Very much."

  "Good. Because I'd very much like you to," he says, his voice warming. He flicks the reins and the horse picks up its pace.

  "Um, one question though," I add.

  "Yes?"

  "Aren't there bad guys in it now? I mean, isn't it guarded by anyone?"

  "Mayhap a soldier or two is posted there, but there would be little reason to keep it under heavy guard. The sheriffs men have likely already stolen everything worth stealing, and there are other more strategic castles in the area to occupy."

  "Er, right," I say, not sure he's getting my real question. "But two soldiers are not zero soldiers. I mean, how are we going to get past them?"

  He laughs. "Ah, wait and see, Christian. I have a plan. Disposing of the guards will be half the fun."

  "Fun?" Trips to Walt Disney World are fun. Getting drunk at a baseball game and booing the Yankees is fun. (I know, I know, I'm from Hoboken. But my second foster father was a diehard Yankees fan and so I went for the Red Sox.) Risking our lives by infiltrating a guarded medieval castle? Not so much fun in my book.

  Sadly, at this point there's not much I can do about it. I'm on the back of a horse trotting down a narrow forest trail. How do I get myself into this stuff?

  I tell myself I shouldn't be scared. After all, I'm with the legendary Robin Hood. Surely no mere mortal man could hurt me with this guy on my team.

  Soon we've left Sherwood Forest behind and Robin urges his horse into a gallop across what appears to be a never-ending stretch of countryside. The sun shines down upon us, kissing my skin with warmth, and the breeze toys with my hair, coaxing curls to tumble into my face. It's p
leasant, actually, galloping through fields of wildflowers and heather, up grassy knolls, past crumbling stone walls. We wave to shepherds sitting idly under trees, watching their sheep munch on sweet-smelling grass; to peasants walking behind ox-driven plows, cultivating their fields, growing food to feed their families and liege lord.

  There's a certain sense of peace to the scenery here. A simple life, so to speak. I wonder what it'd be like to live this way, concerning yourself only with survival and feeding your family. Having no idea how big the world actually is. How confusing it is. How heartbreaking. If you never have hopes and dreams, you'll never be crushed when they fail to come true, right?

  Then again, most of these people live a sickly existence full of hard manual labor, lice and disease. Oh, and they die at like forty years old—if they're lucky. So maybe I should stop with the grass is always greener thing and be thankful for the good things that I've got.

  We come to the bottom of a hill and Robin slows his horse. "We walk from here," he says, jumping off, then offering me a hand. I hop down from the horse, wriggling the kinks out of my legs. Even that short ride has me a bit creaky; my knees and thighs are screaming for a massage.

  "Great," I say, swallowing back my annoyance at the idea of hoofing it again. Seriously, I'm so sick of walking everywhere. My kingdom for my good old Volkswagen Bug, Flower. Though, to stay in glass-half-full mode, I'm sure to get back to the 21st century in record shape, and thighs of steel are never a bad thing. Who knows, maybe I'll be so buff and kick-ass I'll be able to win a marathon or something. Of course I'd never be able to tell the media my winning training strategy....

  Robin shields his eyes from the sun and points. "Locksley Castle lies yonder," he says, pointing to the hillside. "Just over that."

  "Great. So now what? What's this big plan of yours to defeat the bad guys guarding the place?"

  He grins. " ‘Tis simple. You will flush them out."

  "Uh, what? Me?" Hold on one gosh darned second. "Flush?"

  Robin reaches into his saddlebag and pulls out a folded garment. He shakes it loose and I realize it's a dress.