A Hoboken Hipster in Sherwood Forest

by Mari Mancusi

  They give me the once-over. "Christian?" Little John cocks his head. "But you're a... He's a..." Recognition dawns on his face. "Why are you dressed as a girl, Christian?"

  "Well, I've got a confession to make, actually." Might as well throw all my cards out on the table at this point. "I'm not actually a eunuch at all. In fact, I'm one hundred percent woman. I just pretended to be a eunuch because you have that sacred code thing and I was afraid of getting kicked out of camp if people learned the truth." I laugh nervously. "Isn't that just so silly?"

  Unfortunately for me, neither of the men looks very amused. In fact, they look downright pissed off.

  "You have tricked us this entire time?" Much the Miller asks in an outraged voice, his fingers gripping his bow tightly. Uh-oh. This is not going as well as I'd hoped. Why can't they be happy about this, like they were when Much's wife got to stay the night? When Maid Marion showed up? Sure, Much's wife didn't get to stay longer, but—

  "Robin will be sure to hear of your treachery, woman," Little John adds in a menacing voice I didn't know the jolly green giant could muster.

  "Uh..." Ugh. What am I supposed to say? Should I admit that Robin was in on the secret most of the time? Or would that threaten his leadership at a time when he needs it the most?

  I shake my head. This isn't about me. Not now. They can do with me what they like. My warning is much more important.

  "Listen guys, I can tell you everything later. Right now, we've got more important fish to fry. You're in great danger! Where's Robin? I have to warn him."

  Little John shakes his burly head. "Nay. You will not see Robin until you explain—"

  "What goes on here?"

  I breathe a sigh of relief at the sound of Robin's voice through the trees. A moment later he appears out of the brush, his eyes widening as he sees me.

  "This lady claims she's our Christian,” Little John says, keeping the arrow in his drawn bow aimed at my heart. "That she's been tricking us all along."

  I hold my breath, waiting for Robin's reaction. Everything about us, our relationship, maybe even our very lives hinges on his next move.

  He stares at me for a minute, and I'm not sure if he wants to kiss me or kill me. He opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again, then opens it. I watch him struggle to decide how to handle this volatile situation. He knows the stakes are high; his future—and mine—hang in the balance.

  "I have known for some time that Christian— Christine, actually—is a woman,'' he says at last. " ‘Twas I who demanded she keep it secret from you all."

  Little John's face hardens. "You lied to us, Robin?" he asks, his angry voice tinged with hurt. "This whole time, you lied to us to protect a woman? You went against the sacred code we all signed when we banded together in the forest?"

  Oh no, this was not good.

  John throws down his bow in disgust. "You ask us to fight for you. To obey your rules and live under your command. To give up our lives if necessary to do what's right. And all along, you're flaunting your own indiscretion?"

  Robin hangs his head. "I cannot make any excuses for my behavior," he says. "I only did what I thought needed to be done."

  "Needed to be done? Why?" Much the Miller demands. "So you can sneak off and rut her senseless while the rest of us go without? I've sat alone in me tent each night, dreaming of me wife and child left behind in the village, all because of your insistence on us following the rule. And now I find out you've been breaking it all along?"

  " ‘Twas not like—"

  "Are you denying that you lay with her while she was a guest in our camp?"

  Robin lets out a frustrated breath. "No."

  This is not good. This is so not good. Sure, I didn't want to be Robin's dirty secret anymore, but I also didn't want him to completely lose everything he worked for just because of me. Especially not now. When everything is at stake.

  "Look, it's not Robin's fault!" I try to protest. Much raises his bow, and points it at me, a furious look on his usually friendly face.

  "Quiet, woman," he demands. "You have done enough."

  Little John sighs, his eyes sad, and turns to Robin. "I am sorry, old friend," he mutters, his voice laden with remorse. "But you know what I must do."

  Robin nods solemnly. " ‘Tis only right. I would not expect any less, and would do the same 'twere I in your position."

  John nods and clears his throat. "Robin of Locksley," he proclaims, "You have been found guilty of violating the sacred code of The Men of Sherwood Forest. Now, in compliance with the laws you created and agreed to follow, you must be arrested and held prisoner until a council is held to decide your punishment."

  "Aye, and you are relieved of your command as well," Much adds, more venomously than John. "Liars and traitors will never lead us. Who knows how else we may have been deceived? Perhaps you are in league with the sheriff himself!''

  "I would never!" Robin cries, shocked.

  "You swore also that you would never let a woman into our home, but we see your treachery now," Much interrupts. He pulls a knife from his belt and points it at Robin. "As John said, you are under arrest until we decide what to do with you." He turns to me. "You and your little whore."

  He shoves Robin forward, and John reluctantly gestures for me to follow. They lead us into the camp. Several men jump up and surround us, asking what's wrong.

  "Robin Hood is a traitor," Much informs them. "He and this woman!"

  "Look, you're making a big mistake!" I cry, realizing this may be my one and only chance to warn everyone at once. "And we've got bigger problems to deal with! The sheriff is launching an attack against you guys very soon. We've got to stop him!''

  "The sheriff does not know where we reside, lady," Much reminds me. "Unless 'twas you who told him."

  “It wasn't me, you idiot!" I snap, narrowing my eyes at him. "It was Maid Marion. You know, the woman you all let in to your camp no questions asked? I'm not the enemy here. She is!"

  “Quiet, or we shall gag you!"

  "I will not be quiet! You guys have to be ready for the attack! They'll massacre you if you don't!"

  But no one pays any attention to my warnings. Instead, they find lengths of rope and tie Robin's and my hands behind our backs. The cord cuts into my wrists. I bite down on my lower lip, trying to keep a poker face, refusing to give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. After binding us, they push us into a small, musty-smelling tent and I hear them instruct someone to guard the door. The tent flap closes and we’re alone in the blackness.

  “Oh my god, I'm so sorry," I cry, tears finally springing to my eyes. "I've ruined everything!" I sink to my knees and try to get comfortable.

  "Don't be daft. This is my fault for lying in the first place," Robin answers. He lowers himself to the ground. "I am just glad you are all right. When you disappeared, I feared the worst. I have been scouring the forest for days searching for you. I thought mayhap you'd been eaten by a wild creature."

  Even under these dire circumstances my heart warms at the idea of him looking for me, wondering if I was dead. He cares about me. He really cares.

  But, I realize, now is not the time to kiss and make up. We've got to get the men to believe that this attack I've been babbling about is very real, and that they've got to start preparing to fight. All of our lives depend on it.

  "Robin, what I was saying before—about the sheriff’s raid—I wasn't just bluffing to get them to stop tying us up."

  "How did you learn of it?"

  "It's a long story, but basically when I left here, I went to Prince John's castle and applied to be a lady-in-waiting and they gave me the gig. Anyway, while I was there, Marion showed up during a banquet. I followed her out into the courtyard garden where she met up with the Sheriff of Nottingham." I swallow hard, not wanting to be the one to break the news. "They're evidently lovers."

  My eyes, now adjusted to the darkness, search Robin's face for a hint of jealousy, but I see none. There's a little disappointment,
maybe, but I guess that's to be expected.

  Relieved, I continue. "The reason she came out here was to find out the location of your camp and to spy on the number of men and resources you've amassed. The sheriff figured a beautiful woman like her could convince the men to lead her to your camp without the obligatory blindfold and stuff. And, of course, he was right. So after she chatted you up, she headed back and reported her findings to the sheriff. Very soon they're going to launch an all-out attack—first on the villages and then they're coming here to destroy us all."

  "That harlot!" Robin scowls, his eyes flashing. "This is grave news indeed. Our small army is no match for the sheriffs forces."

  "Yeah, I was kind of thinking that. Though at least now they've lost the element of surprise."

  "True. Yet we are not much good stuck here in this tent, charged as traitors."

  "Yeah, sorry about that," I say. "I should have changed back into my boy outfit before showing up. I totally forgot."

  "Do not blame yourself. The truth had to come out eventually."

  "Yeah, right. Eventually." I attempt a shrug. It's difficult with my hands tied. "But not right before our impending demise, rendering us completely helpless in the face of death."

  "You are not making this any easier."

  I sigh. "You're right. So what's the plan?"

  Robin shakes his head. "Forsooth, I am at a loss. If they will not accept me as their leader then I cannot—"

  The light bulb thing goes off over my head. "That's it!" I cry.

  "Milady?" Robin cocks his head in question.

  "You need to give up your leadership. Tell them you're resigning and give Little John command or something. Let him lead the battle."

  The outlaw frowns. "But this is my band of men. I found them and trained them.”

  "Argh!" I cry. "Don't you understand the art of war? Your men are angry at you right now. They feel you have no right to lead. But at the same time, if you don't appoint someone else to take over while you're out of the picture, it's going to be chaos if an attack comes."

  The outlaw bows his head, contemplating my words.

  "Robin, sometimes you have to give up power to gain it. Don't you trust your men? Put your ego aside for a moment."

  Robin remains silent, staring down at the ground. Then he lifts his head. "You are right, of course," he says resignedly. "Although I know not what you mean by 'ego.' But I do realize I am committing the sin of vanity. Better I relinquish command. Then we will have a small chance of survival."

  "Exactly." I smile, more than a bit proud of the guy. He's certainly changed since the first day I met him. The day he refused to lend a hand to help that boy in the wood.

  "John!" Robin calls out. "I must speak with you."

  "When he's done with your mother," Much the Miller replies—quite unkindly, in my opinion.

  "Please, Little John!" I beg. "It's really important."

  I hear a loud huff and some movement outside the tent. A moment later the flap opens and Little John, accompanied by Much, peeks his head inside. "This had better be good," Much says before John can open his mouth. "Better than your mother, in any case, though that ain't saying much." He chuckles to himself and I can see Robin's face twist in annoyance.

  Come on, dude. Stick with the plan. There are lives at stake here.

  "Look, John," Robin says, thankfully keeping his cool. "You have been my second-in-command for as long as we've been together. You're loyal, trustworthy, and brave."

  "Unlike you, who are a lying, cowardly son of a whore," Much notes.

  I can see Robin's hard swallow. It's taking all he's got to keep the humility thing going.

  Luckily, John finds his tongue. "Much, I would like to speak with Robin alone for a moment," he says. Much scowls but obeys, leaving the tent. John crawls in and sits down beside us.

  "Speak, lad," he says. "We are now alone."

  "John, I trust you with my very life," Robin says. "I always have. And now I must ask a favor."

  John shakes his shaggy head. "Nay. I cannot let you free. I am sorry, old friend, but 'tis against the code."

  "You misunderstand. ‘Tis not the favor I seek," Robin says. "I am asking that you now take command of the men. Lady Christine has heard word of an impending attack on this place and the villages. I need you to prepare us for battle."

  "You want me to lead the men?" John asks, raising his bushy unibrow. "You are willingly giving up your command?"

  "Aye," Robin says, his voice resolute. "After all, 'tis in the best interest of us all. They need a leader they can trust. I violated that trust and thus am not fit to command. Not now. And we need immediate action."

  "Me, the leader of the Men of Sherwood Forest?" John asks. I'm pleased to see a sparkle in his eyes. Maybe this will work!

  "Aye. And a fine one you'll make. You're loyal, you're brave ... I'd knight you if I had the authority, John. As I said before, I'd trust you with my life."

  Little John bows his head. "Thank you, Robin," he says. "Your faith in me will not go unrewarded."

  "Hey, speaking of rewards," I butt in. "Can you untie us at the very least? Keep the guard outside or whatever you have to do. We won't go anywhere. But these cords are killing me."

  John thinks for a moment, then nods. "Very well," he says. "But do not let Much know I have done this." He pulls a knife from his boot and cuts our bindings.

  I stretch my arms and rub my wrists, thankful to be free again. "So, about this attack..." I relate all I heard from the sheriff. "We can't let this happen. Especially to the villagers and their kids. They're totally innocent."

  "Look, we have one advantage," John points out. "The sheriff doesn't know we know about the attack. So we have time to take action."

  "What do you propose?"

  “We send men to the villages tonight to warn the people. Tell them to gather what they need and then escort them to a safe location deep in the forest. In the meantime, we'll break down the hideaway here and move everything to a new spot. When the sheriffs men arrive, we will be long gone."

  Robin nods eagerly at his burly friend. "This way we can protect the children and save our own skins. Good work, John."

  The giant blushes at the compliment. " ‘Twas nothing," he says. "Just a simple plan."

  "It's genius."

  "Of course, it means breaking our vow," John says. "We'd be working with women and children, inviting them to be part of our forest home."

  Robin smiles. "My dear friend, I know now I was wrong to be so blind. And I am glad my men have compassionate hearts that can love and care."

  John grins. "Well, then, I guess I best be rallying the men and telling them of the plan." He pauses, then adds, "Hope they'll listen to me."

  "They'd be mad not to. This is the perfect plan, and I know of no one I'd trust to execute it more than you."

  "Thanks, Robin," Little John says gruffly. "I'm sorry we had to throw you in here. And I'm really glad you've found happiness with your woman."

  Robin smiles at John and then turns to me. "Aye. That I have, John," he says. "And it means more to me than anything else in the world."

  I reach over and squeeze his hand, overwhelmed by his words. Maybe everything will really be all right.

  John exits the tent. A moment later I hear him calling everyone to attention and explaining the situation.

  Alone and unbound, Robin pulls me close to him, into his warm embrace. I collapse in his arms, feeding off his strength.

  " Tis all my fault," Robin murmurs in my ear. "If I listened to you at the tournament... if we left before we were discovered... if I did not allow Marion free run of the forest..."

  "Don't beat yourself up over this, Robin," I comfort, stroking his head. "You did what you thought was best. No one's perfect. We all make mistakes. We just have to make sure we learn from them."

  "My biggest mistake was to shame you by forcing you to pretend you were something you are not," he says mournfully. "Can you forgive me that?"r />
  "It's already forgotten."

  "These past few days I have thought of nothing else," he confesses. "I searched endlessly for you in the forest. But deep inside, I knew that you had left for another reason."

  "I'm sorry about that, too. It's just I—"

  "Thought I would fall back in love with Marion,” he concludes. "Yes, I realized that later. The way I spoke of her over the time you've been here... there would be no reason you would not think it possible."

  "Don't get me wrong," I protest. "I didn't just leave out of self pity. I wanted you to be happy. And if you were happy with Marion, if you loved her more than you'd ever love me, I'd never want to force you to deny that just out of a sense of obligation." I shrug. "They have a saying where I'm from. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they're yours forever. If they don't, they were never yours to begin with."

  " ‘Tis a very noble saying," Robin says. "But truly it cannot be so simple."

  "Well, I'm not going to lie and say it didn't hurt. To be rejected, considered second-best..." Tears spring to my eyes as I recall the pain, the hurt, the doubt I'd felt. "But still. For a while there... Well, I guess I began to believe I was special—that maybe, just maybe, you truly loved me for me, warts and all. And then Marion goes and shows back up and once again I felt like I was being relegated to second place. Which would be fine, I guess, if she's what you wanted. I mean, I can't be selfish here. I want you to be happy, and if she could do that and I could not—well, then I feel you should rightfully be with her."

  "Shhh. Quiet, silly woman," Robin scolds suddenly. I look at him in surprise. "No wonder you cannot keep your men. You do not fight for them."

  "What?" Now I'm confused. Here I'm being all noble and brave and he's criticizing me?

  "In your kingdom of Hoboken you may think love is letting go. But here we value it too much to allow it to escape. We fight to keep what we love. Our lands, our family, our women. Did you not teach me that? ‘Tis better to stand up against the evil in this land than let things stay as they are. How is it you cannot apply that to your own life? You would let another so easily win my affections? Do I mean so little to you?"