by Marie , J
“Yes? Why does that sound like a question?”
I took a deep breath trying to look beyond the fear I’d been holding onto for so long.
What did I really want? How could I be in a relationship with Beau without having closure? Could I really start something new? What would happen to the tiny sliver of independence I’d gained since coming here? Could I truly have independence and Beau? Or would I have to choose once again?
As if he could read my thoughts, he spoke, “Cassidy Mae. I don’t want to own you. You’re your own woman. I want you to be that fearless girl again. I want to see your spark come back. It makes your eyes twinkle like diamond crusted emeralds in the sunlight. And I would never, ever dream of dulling that sparkle. I just want to be there for you and take care of you.”
“Oh, okay…good. Right. Yes.”
“Good, now this leads me back to my original question. Do you want to be with me?”
“Yes,” I said very matter of factly.
“Then it’s settled. Easy peasy. Being with me doesn’t mean you can’t do anything you want to do. I know all of this… scares you, but I need you to promise me that you’ll try.”
“I still want to work in exchange for my room. I still want to ride in the county fair. I want to go to the fireworks next week for the fourth. I want choices to be mine, Beau. And I promise that I will try my best to stay still and know you’ll be here for me.”
“Okay. Done. You can do whatever you want darlin’ and I’ll be right there to help you along the way.”
“Okay…”
“Good. Now, let’s go get Oakley ready for the barrels.” His smile melted my insides and turned them to goo. As he took my hand to lead me back out into the barn, I felt content as if for the first time, everything was falling into place. Like the world had finally found its axis and I was on the right side of it. A weight that I didn’t realize had been crushing me slowly felt less heavy.
We finished brushing Oakley and got her tacked up and ready to ride. Beau followed us out to the arena and we got to work.
“Okay… let’s try some loping in both directions. We’ve only got a few more weeks left. Luckily, Rea kept her pretty much in shape to go. She’s had her out the last couple months thinking about racing Oakley herself.”
“Then she should be the one to ride, Beau.”
“No, she saw how much this would mean to you, darlin’. She wouldn’t take that away from you.”
I felt bad that I’d taken away her horse, but I knew that she would want me to do this. Reagan always had a way of knowing exactly what people needed when they needed it the most. It was one of the many reasons I loved her. She knew by allowing me to work her horse and borrow it would make me feel like I was in control of something. Training. Getting Oakley back into shape, even though technically she wasn’t out of shape.
We worked for about half an hour. Loped in large circles and practiced some lead changes. Beau stayed the whole time watching and giving tips. I’d seen him running barrels a time or two. Nothing was sexier than Beau Montgomery in a black Stetson, black t-shirt, Levi jeans, and flare chaps flying on the back of a midnight gray horse like they’d been gifted wings.
It was time for cooling down so I hopped off Oakley and decided to hand walk her. Beau came up to us and started walking too.
“Hey Beau, can I ask you something?”
“Anything, you know that Cass.”
The words were spewing from my mouth faster than I could contain them. It’d been a burning question since I realized I hadn’t seen Trent Montgomery since I’d been back. This was his farm, of course.
“What happened to your dad? He was thriving when I left town. And I know my askin’ is all types of nosey and it’s probably inappropriate to ask, but I think if we’re truly gonna do this then all cards should be on the table.”
“I’m an open book, Cassidy Mae. You should know that especially for you.” The look on his face was so warm, so open. He was telling the truth. “Papa passed a while back. He started getting sick and the first thing we thought was diabetes. He had all the right signs. Took him in to see the doc and they ran a bunch of tests on him. Doc couldn’t figure it out. Finally came back after a second opinion and found out it was pancreatic cancer.”
My heart sank and water filled the hollows of my eyes. To lose someone was such a horrible loss. But to lose someone you loved after watching them slowly weaken was a worse fate. I remember when my gran had cancer. It’d been an agonizing couple of months watching her fade away into nothing. That had been the first time I’d truly felt sadness. Loss. Desperation. Sadly, just a few short years later I’d gone through a worse loss. One of my own body. My own child. “I’m so sorry, Beau. That must have been hard on you and Reagan.”
He reached over and squeezed my hand. “It sucked, there’s no better way to say it. Luckily, it took him quickly, only a couple weeks after diagnosis. It was about seven weeks in total. I was grateful that it wasn’t more. He didn’t suffer as much.”
Tears continued to fall down my face. Emotionally stressed as I was, I thought I could handle talking to Beau about his dad, but this news was overwhelming. My thoughts and emotions in a jumble over what could have been.
“Cass?” He stopped me and Oakley from walking. Concern etched into every hard outline of his perfectly male face.
“I’m okay… Don’t worry about me. Just hormonal.”
“Cassidy Mae, don’t you dare lie to me. I know it’s more than that. I thought by now you’d feel comfortable enough to share things with me.”
“I lost a baby about ten months ago, Beau.” The words slipped from my lips before I had the chance to reel them back in. I choked up and tears fell harder. Shivers overtook my body and my knees buckled under the weight of my despair. Beau grabbed Oakley’s reins before meeting me on the ground.
“Oh darlin’. Come here.” He said holding out his arms to me. And I wanted all the comfort this man could give me. I crawled into his lap and he rocked me as he held me tightly. Like he knew I needed to be loved at that moment.
“I…I had just found out that morning. I’d been… so… so happy. Thrilled beyond belief. Something I’d wanted for so long was coming true. I knew that things with Andrew hadn’t been the best they could be, but I thought he’d be happy. We’d created something special. A small part of both of us, ya know?”
He nodded his head, but still didn’t speak. I slammed my eyes shut as memories filtered in through every part of my brain.
“I’d gotten dinner ready that night. All his favorite fixins. I’d put candles out to try and make it feel special. Maybe I was reminiscing about the old days when we were in love. Regardless, he hadn’t come home at the normal time. He’d gotten stuck late working on a project with some other people. As soon as I saw his face that night, I knew something wasn’t right. But I’d waited all day to share my good news and I thought maybe it would brighten his day. When I asked if he wanted me to heat up his meal, he’d gotten mad that it wasn’t still warm. And when… when I… I told him that we were going to have a baby and he just went off.”
I bit down hard on my cheek as my heart rattled against the walls of my chest. Talking about this was harder than I thought. The only thing anchoring me to this moment was Beau and his gentle caresses to the small of my back.
“Cass…” He squeezed me tighter and Oakley looked on. I could feel her warm breath on my skin as if she knew that I needed all the love I could soak up.
“I’m so ashamed that I stayed.” I shook my head. “I should’ve left that night, packed my bags and left, but for some reason, I didn’t. The next morning, he was sorry. Said he should’ve never yelled at me. He kept apologizing and swearing to me that it’d never happen again. I believed him, thinking maybe this would be the one instance in which that line was actually true. It wasn’t. I finally realized that if I didn’t get out, I wasn’t ever leaving. I’d be stuck in a loveless verbally abusive relationship. I felt like I h
ad no one. I’d been lying to my family for years, cut off from old friends like Rea, and during that heartbreak, I just couldn’t face them. So I had no one to be there for me while I lost the most precious gift I’d ever been given. No one to hold my hand and tell me it would be okay. No one to tell me that what was happening to me wasn’t okay. But in the back of my mind, I knew it. I knew what was happening wasn’t okay, but I believed the lie.”
He squeezed me tighter as he placed a soft kiss on my forehead. “Hey, hey….shh… it’s okay. You didn’t do a damn thing wrong. This is on him.” His arm trailed up my own as his fingers tipped my chin up so I was looking at his gorgeous chocolate brown eyes. “You are the bravest woman I know. And it was good getting out while you could.”
My tears kept falling, soaking into his shirt. I felt scared and I wanted to run so badly, but I remembered my promise to try.
Beau’s whispered words held me back, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
“So, you told her everything did ya? Finally confessed you were in love with her, but now you aren’t sure if she is could ever give herself over to you and truly love again? Is that what I’m hearing?”
I looked over at Remington as he was helping me dig holes for fencing. We needed some new fencing at the back of the pasture so we’d been up early and at it. “That’s about the whole of it. I can tell she wants to be with me. But there’s also a part of her that’s scared to death to be tied to anyone again after what happened with that bastard. I don’t blame her. She’s damn brave to leave like she did. She’s been letting me in slowly, but other times she clams up and shuts down like I’d use her words against her.”
“Yeah, well that’s a woman for you. You make one mistake and it haunts you for the rest of your life, making you feel as confused as a field mouse in an ocean. One minute she likes me, the next she hates my guts again.” He jammed the shovel into the hole a little harder than last time.
“You thinkin’ bout Faith when you say that?”
Remington snorted and I knew that was more than likely a yes.
I didn’t know much about what had happened between Remington and Faith. I heard rumors, but I didn’t believe most of the things that spread through this small town. And he refused to talk about it.
I didn’t blame him. Rem was a proud man. We’d been best friends since high school and if he didn’t wanna talk ‘about something then he wasn’t going to.
“Can I ask something?”
“I suppose. No one else out here to ask.”
“Okay, smart ass. You’re not gonna tell me what happened, but if Faith decided to give you another chance would you take it?”
“Yeah, I would. Why’d you ask?”
“Because all you do is mope around and grouch at people. I miss my friend, man. You’d pick on us, but at least we’d know you’re okay. This person you’ve become. Standoffish. Rude. This ain’t you, man. This girl has got you so frazzled you don’t know what to do with yourself.”
“I know, Beau. I just don’t know what to do about her.”
I walked to the truck and then returned with two bottles of water, handing him one. “Well, here’s to women who drive us crazy and figuring out what they want.” He tipped his bottle and tapped mine.
Just as we were finishing up an hour later my eyes traveled the line of sight across the field to where Rem was looking. I noticed her immediately.
“Whatcha lookin’ for buddy?”
“Nothing,” he said, shaking his head and getting back to packing up our things. Nothing indeed. My friend was head over heels in love and he had no clue.
We got the truck back to the barn and had unloaded the rest of our supplies. I needed to get working with Zeus and Acer. They were progressing about the same. I’d been able to put a saddle on both of them at this point. Next came more sensitization and groundwork before I could even think about getting on their backs.
For the last couple weeks, I’d desensitized them to ropes on their heads, feet, back, and butt. So now that we had a saddle on, I wanted to make sure they were still okay with all that before adding a plastic bag. The scariest thing a horse could come across is a plastic bag. So, if they aren’t afraid of it, then I felt comfortable that they’d be okay to ride.
I moved the plastic bag in front of me as I led Acer around the ring. I was building his courage before making him face the plastic bag. I was going to lead as he followed and I couldn’t help but think about how Cassidy Mae and I were kind of doing the same thing. I was leading her along and she was building confidence and trust following me.
We worked for a while just making sure he was completely okay with everything we’d gone over so far. I called Rhett over to give me a little help with the next part.
“Hey boss, whatcha need?”
“You wanna help me out for a bit?”
“Sure thing, happy to help.”
“Can you climb up there on top of the round pen? I want him to see you up above his head and not be afraid of ya.” He did as I asked and I handed him the reins for Acer.
“Alright, I’m gonna get him moving and see how close I can get him to come to you on the fence.”
“Ready.”
Several laps later I had Rhett pull Acer up to stand beside him right on the railing. Rhett didn’t get on top of Acer but he put some weight on him. Ran his hands all over him and whacked that plastic bag against the saddle, again making sure that Acer was gonna remain careful and still. Yet again Acer proved that he was ready to carry me. I decided I’d end on a good note for the day. I gave him a good scratch and let him walk out to cool down.
“So,” Rhett started, “what’s going on with you and Cassidy Mae? You tell her you’ve been in love with her since y’all were kids yet?”
“Yep, sure did.”
“What’d she have to say to that? Beau Montgomery finally up and told her that she was his and there wasn’t nothing she could do ‘bout it.” He chuckled the last out with a pure smile on his face.
“She’s scared. Not wanting to put her full trust in me yet. I get it. She has even reason to think the worst of people. I mean… look at her former husband. I guess I don’t understand how you can stay with someone who does that to you?”
His brow furrowed and his hands bound into fists. I could feel his anger. I felt the same way when I’d found out.
“So that’s what all the hoopla was about that one night at the dinner table?”
“Yeah, man. Saw a random black SUV sittin’ in the parking lot and when I approached it, they shot out faster than a bullet out of a loaded gun. It seemed kinda odd. I’d asked Reagan if she’d seen it too and she hadn’t. I wasn’t sure if I needed to be worried about it.”
“Hold up. You said a black SUV. The license plate happens to be something along the lines of SCOT?” My eyes shot up and I found his.
“What are you saying?”
“Saw it a couple of days ago when I was in town. Trailed it for a bit ‘cause the driver was acting a little sketchy. He didn’t do much. Did stop by Cassidy Mae’s parents’ house for a little bit.”
“What the hell, man? You knew this and didn’t say a damn thing to me about it?” I was frustrated, pissed was a more accurate word. I knew better than to be angry around a young horse. He’d more than likely feed off my fear and that wouldn’t be good for him… so I resolved to call it a day. I grabbed Acer by the lead and started walking him back to the barn, not saying another word to Rhett along the way.
I couldn’t believe he’d seen the car and not said anything. I just couldn’t believe that we were thinking everything was going to be fine but someone was following her and I planned to find out exactly who it was. I was also pissed at myself because I realized that I’d never told Rhett about the SUV only Remington and Jameson.
I didn’t realize he had followed us back to the barn before he started talkin’ again.
“I’m really sorry, Beau. I didn’t know about the SUV or else I would’
ve said something. You know that.”
I couldn’t blame him. He wasn’t privy to the conversation I’d had with Reagan and Cassidy Mae that night so he wouldn’t have known there was a weird vehicle hanging around. Now, I needed to figure out a way to ask Cassidy Mae’s parents about the strange visitor without spooking her.
“I get it, man. I should’ve told ya. Let’s keep this between us. Don’t need the women any more nervous than they already are about things. I’m gonna look into it and see what I can find out.”
“Scout’s honor, man. Again, I’m real sorry I didn’t say nothing.” I waved him off as I walked away. I believed him. He would’ve never kept something this important from me and not said anything if he had known. There was one place I had to go before I could do anything else.
“Howdy ma’am, sir,” I said as both of Cassidy Mae’s parents opened the door.
“Beau Montgomery, what brings you to our house on such a lovely afternoon? Here, come on in.” Her mother was the picture of southern hospitality. I’d followed them into the house and as soon as my butt hit the sofa, I had a large glass of sweet tea in my hand.
“Well, I was speaking with Rhett Colton this morning and he told me there’d been a black SUV hanging around here.”
“Yep, been around here a time or two,” Her father said. “What’s it to you?” He eyed me curiously.
“Well sir, I saw that black SUV on the farm a couple of weeks ago. By the time I got out to them, they’d sped off. I don’t know what they wanted, but it made me downright suspicious, them driving off like that.”
He nodded as he listened to me. “Do you mind telling me if you had a chance to talk to the man driving that SUV, Mr. Jones?”
“Call me Jett, son. Mr. Jones is my father.”
“Alrighty, Jett, what do you know about this SUV?”
He sighed and took a seat on the couch at the same time I did. “Well, he stopped here a couple of days ago. Asking questions ‘bout Cassidy Mae. I told him I hadn’t seen her and didn’t know where she was.”
“He happen to say who he was?”
