She was shaking and exhausted when he finally removed his hand and eased her onto his chest.
She collapsed all over him as if she were a liquid, sprawled out on top of him, glad he was no longer wearing his shirt. It felt so good being this connected to him. The only thing better would be if he were inside her. Instinctively she knew that truth. But it was still amazing like this too.
She lost her inhibitions slowly, no longer caring so much that she was naked. She let her hands roam over his torso when they were finally able to take commands from her brain.
He held her close, his own palms roaming up and down her back, her butt, and her thighs. He kissed her forehead often again. The silence was peaceful. Serene.
She had so many questions running through her mind, but they weren’t screaming at her anymore. Her breathing slowed and she grew tired. She closed her eyes, marginally aware when he slid her to his side and spooned her in his arms. Marginally aware of his kissing her temple and demanding that she sleep. Marginally aware that too many things were left unsaid and time was of the essence.
Chapter 15
Ajax stared down at the most amazing woman he’d ever met, watching her sleep. She was finally peaceful. He had no idea what had come over her when she went into a frenzy and climbed on top of him.
He suspected she’d had things to say and meant to grill him, but then she’d found her pleasure and lost her train of thought. It was fucking hotter than hell watching her fall apart. He was glad he’d had the good sense to lift her up and use his fingers. He hadn’t been kidding. She would have rubbed herself raw against his jeans. Never mind what she’d done to his cock.
He’d never been so damn hard in his life, but at the time he’d been so consumed with the angel from heaven fucking his fingers, her lovely breasts swaying above him. The way her head arched back and her lips parted. All of it was like a perfect piece of art. Mesmerizing.
So, he’d given her what she needed and then held her as she crashed again. He was relieved that she’d worn herself out and fell asleep. She needed sleep.
What had she been thinking though? In her frantic state, she’d acted like this would be their last night together and she’d needed to milk everything she could out of it.
He stiffened at the thought. Maybe that had been her fear. It made sense. Naturally, she might be worried about what could happen to him in the next few days. Or even herself.
He would never allow her to be in harm’s way. No more than she already was, so that wasn’t an issue. But she didn’t fully know that yet, so she could be worried. He suspected it was more than that. The entire package. The danger drove her to desperation.
Maybe he was wrong to deny her his cock. Maybe she was right to feel desperate and greedy. He’d promised her he would not take his pants off tonight though, so it would have been irresponsible to renege on that promise mid-stream.
He should not have sex with her. It would be horrifically selfish of him to make love to her. Even though she’d had sex before and wasn’t technically a virgin, she wasn’t the sort of woman who slept around or would ordinarily have sex willy-nilly with a guy she’d known so few days. Not to mention the dire circumstances that made people make odd decisions.
His goal was to ensure she understood what sex could be like. He couldn’t stand the thought of her going even one more minute thinking it was a chore, something to be endured by women for the purpose of procreation.
And fuck her church for making her feel dirty and naughty. That made him so angry. He knew better than to try to convince himself they hadn’t had sex. What they’d done was still sex. But if she didn’t fully see it that way, it might save her some shame and self-recrimination down the road if he at least kept his cock in his pants this week.
Was he wrong to keep that from her though? He wasn’t sure. He’d have to take his cues from her and see what happened.
He closed his eyes, and drew in a deep breath, forcing his mind to slow down and relax. He needed to get as much sleep as possible.
He cringed when he thought of his six brothers who were potentially alive and in God-only-knew what shape somewhere in this country. He was doing everything he could to get to them and rescue them, but he was at the mercy of the plan. Charley’s plan.
He was not in charge of this mission. Not really. There was no way to speed things up. It was risky enough as it was. He was growing to realize that Charley knew what she was doing. She knew people. She’d arranged this elaborate cross-country trip. Every step of it.
He rubbed a hand down his face, guilt seeping in that he was enjoying the best thing that had ever happened to him while his men were huddled somewhere uncertain anyone would ever come to get them. They’d probably been told no one was coming. That everyone thought they were dead.
And what was the purpose of that? It concerned Ajax greatly. Why hold six men hostage in two locations for months on end while the enemy believed them dead? What was the goal?
He didn’t have the answers, and he needed to chase the guilt away. There wasn’t a damn thing he could do to change the pace of this rescue mission. And hell, he had a side goal too. Convincing Serena to come out of her shell and live. Even if it was as impossible as it seemed for the two of them to carry on this relationship back on US soil, he at least wanted her to aim higher than men like James. To find a man who would worship her like she deserved.
He wanted her to know she deserved to be doted on and never settle for less. She was everything kind and good and caring this world had to offer. She was light and life. Beauty and happiness. She was smart and sharp and strong.
If Ajax was the right man for her, he would claim her in an instant. But she lived in a different world. Her church and her family and her hometown were important to her. Attaching himself to her would drag her down.
Most importantly, it was obvious her family and her church would never accept him. He would never suggest she give all that up for a man, not even himself.
Religion was not his thing. He had a basic understanding of most religions but that was about it. He had no interest in attending church, and certainly not becoming a member. No matter what, Serena would always need religion in her life. It was a part of her. He would never take that away.
Damn, they had chemistry. His cock stiffened again just looking at her face, so peaceful. She had one hand curled up between her breasts, lightly fisted.
He’d nearly choked when he realized how nervous she was about being naked. He couldn’t fathom what it must have been like for her to scramble around in the dark under sheets and blankets to experiment with her boyfriend. What a picture.
Ajax closed his eyes again. It was impossible to let go of the visual of each of her orgasms. So fucking raw and sexy. Every emotion was on her sleeve as she came. Every sound coming from her lips was pure. She’d held nothing back.
He loved how she could get all flustered and embarrassed and then completely change course as soon as he kissed her or touched her intimately. And the fact that she’d thought they’d done all there was to do in the sex department after three generic orgasms hurt his brain.
He itched to show her two hundred more ways he could pleasure her. He wouldn’t have time to make even a dent in the list. In fact, this might be the only night he would get to have her at all. Tomorrow they would be in someone’s home again. No way would he fuck her as a guest in someone’s house.
She was noisy. He hated to think of stifling her sexy sounds. He hated to ever be in a situation where he even had to bring it to her attention. He doubted she had any idea how loud she was. It would embarrass her.
He stifled a groan as he ran a hand down his face. He ached to own this woman in every imaginable way. His hands shook at the thought of touching her. His cock would be stiff for the rest of his life every time he thought of her.
Nothing Ajax did or didn’t do would flush Serena out of his system. He was so far gone for her. He pictured her in every aspect of life. Watching her as
she cooked or worked or jogged or practiced self-defense or held a child in her arms. She was so expressive, her face would be lit up with joy.
But he wouldn’t be there for any of that. He wouldn’t be there because the more he knew about her, the more he realized it would be a disservice to her to think he could have her in his life.
Ajax needed to rein in his emotions. Control his lust. Force himself to concentrate on the mission, not on the woman currently in his arms. He would never know if he’d done the right thing by introducing her to the kind of pleasure she deserved. Maybe he’d done more harm than good. Possibly even to himself.
It was too late to go backward now. What was done was done. The only thing he could control was how he acted in the future. If he were smart—and he certainly wasn’t suggesting he was—he’d retreat, pull back, not let things escalate. Damage control. For both of them.
He doubted he’d have the strength to do that, though. Tomorrow was a new day. He’d feel her out in the morning and adjust his responses accordingly.
Chapter 16
Serena jerked awake, her eyes bolting open. It took her a moment to remember where she was, and then she pushed herself to sitting and glanced around. She was alone. She was also naked. She’d been tucked in tight, fully covered, but now she had to grab the cover and pull it up over her chest.
She could hear shuffling outside, so she assumed Ajax had stepped out. Probably to find a bush, which she needed also.
She reached for her pack and dragged it closer to grab clean clothes. With her gaze on the door, she hurried to put a bra on and then a shirt before shoving the blanket out of the way and adding panties and pants.
She didn’t fully breathe right until she was completely dressed, which was absurd since Ajax had seen her naked. Nevertheless, in the light of day without the haze of arousal, she felt self-conscious and awkward.
Relieved once she was dressed, she had everything tucked back in her pack and was zipping it up when Ajax stepped inside.
He smiled. “Hey. You’re up.”
“Yep.” She stood. “Going to find a bush.” She shuffled toward him. Her braid hung loosely over her shoulder.
When she reached the door, Ajax was standing in her way. He reached for the braid and trailed his fingers down it until they slid off the tip. He met her gaze. “You okay?”
“Yep.” She wiped her hands on her thighs and nodded toward the door. She really needed to relieve herself.
He opened the door and stepped outside with her, glancing around before taking her hand and leading her around back where they’d made do with nature last night. “I’ll wait here.” He released her fingers.
She was trembling from his touch and his overprotectiveness. Normally that sort of thing would make her back stiffen, but Ajax was simply a gentleman. His protective nature didn’t stem from him thinking she was weak or less. It came from a sense of politeness embedded in him from his foster mom.
He faced away from her while she did her business, and then followed her back inside the cabin when she was done.
As soon as they were back inside with the door closed, he grabbed her hand again and tugged her so that they were chest-to-chest. He cupped her face and tipped it back. “Look at me.”
She’d been avoiding his gaze, but she did as he asked.
“We good? You seem nervous.”
“I’m fine.”
“Listen, if I crossed a line…”
She shook her head. “You didn’t.” Could we please not talk about last night?
He didn’t release her. His brow was furrowed. “I feel like we should discuss what happened last night.”
“No. Really. I’m good. Perfect. We should get going.” She tried to tug free of him, but he held on tight.
He gave her a slight grin. “You’re embarrassed.”
She flushed.
He stroked her cheek. “No reason to be. People fool around and have sex, and then they get up the next morning and take each other’s pulse.”
She swallowed. The heat kept rising on her face. “I don’t, Ajax. I mean I’ve never been in this position, so forgive me if I’m out of sorts.”
He nodded and then slid his arm around her and pulled her closer, hugging her, one hand splayed on her back and the other against the back of her head. “Did you feel this awkward with James?”
She shook her head against him. “God no. He never stayed long enough. He didn’t sleep in my apartment. The church would have had a coronary if someone spotted one of us sneaking out in the morning.” She shuddered at the thought.
The truth was that even having him come into her apartment and stay for an hour to experiment with sex had made her nervous. If her mother had known she’d been alone with James and possibly let her lust get the better of her, she’d have been disappointed in Serena. But her mother never found out or chose to look the other way. On top of that, lust had never been involved.
Serena never worried about James telling a soul about their indiscretion because he would have disappointed his own parents too. Their secret was safe.
“Ah. Okay. Well, no sneaking today. No one is around. It’s just you and me.” He tipped her head back.
She sucked in a breath as their gazes locked, her heart rate picking up, not from embarrassment this time but from lust. Again. He had some kind of spell on her.
He held her gaze while he lowered his lips and kissed her, scrambling her brain so that all reasonable thought disappeared. Once again, she was lost in him. It was uncanny how he could manipulate her as he did. Not intentionally. It just happened. She melted into him every time he touched her and became hot lava when their lips connected.
He kissed her deeply and pulled back slowly. “Good morning,” he murmured.
She shivered as she gripped his shirt at his waist. “Good morning,” she managed to return.
“I noticed you have everything packed up. Shall we start walking and eat a protein bar along the way?”
“Yes.” She liked this plan. It didn’t involve her succumbing to so much temptation.
He eased his hold on her but kissed her one more time. “Relax. It’s just you and me. We have a connection. Can’t deny it. All we can do is keep moving and see what happens.”
She nodded. He was right, and what he said made sense. “Okay.”
“We need to check the SAT phone first. Ryker and Xena were supposed to attempt contact this morning.”
“Right.” She was both relieved and disappointed when Ajax released her to grab the phone from his bag. She liked it when he was touching her, though admitting that was hard and weird. Something was missing when he let her go. She felt…lonely somehow.
Ridiculous because he was two feet away and in the same enclosed space alone with her still.
He tugged the phone out of his pack and turned it on before handing it to Serena. She held it while he finished packing up their supplies. Next, he rolled up their bedding and the blankets and put them back in the secret compartment under the floorboards. Someone would either need them again someday or they would be retrieved by whoever made the arrangement.
Serena jolted when the phone rang in her hand, and Ajax took it from her to connect the call. “Birdman,” he said to announce himself.
She grinned at his nickname.
“This is Xena. You guys okay?”
“Right on track. You? Where’s Ryker?”
“I’m right here,” Ryker responded. “We’re on track too.”
Xena spoke again. “We’ll touch base again at the next agreed-upon time to make sure we’re both ready to strike at the same time.”
“Got it. Be safe.”
“You too.” Xena ended the call first, and Ajax drew in a breath as he turned off the phone and tucked it into his pack. He lifted it up and arranged it on his back.
Serena did the same. “Do you want me to carry the extra bag for a while? You carried it all day yesterday.”
He smiled at her as he came to her side, cu
pped her face, kissed her so that her damn knees were wobbly again, and shook his head. “My mother would slap the back of my head if I did that.”
She chuckled. “Formidable woman. You’ve said that before. Did she do that often?”
“Nope. I learned my lesson in a hurry. But it was a looming threat. More a joke than anything else.”
They ate and hiked in silence for a while. It was several miles to their next checkpoint which was outside the town where Serena spent most of her childhood. Someone would pick them up and drive them to a host location.
She was both nervous and excited. She had no idea if any of the same people would still be living in the town, nor was she certain it would be safe for her to make her whereabouts known. She’d have to assess that after they arrived.
Serena spent a lot of the walk in pensive thought. She had so many concerns. Starting with why she seemed to melt into a pile of goo every time Ajax kissed her. He could do almost as much damage touching her, but when his lips were on hers…
She felt a sense of guilt that was starting to consume her. They were here to rescue some of his men from captivity. She should not be flirting with the man Charley had hired her to accompany. It was so wrong on so many levels.
Forget flirting. She’d made out with him. She’d practically had sex with the man. She wouldn’t ordinarily behave like that ever, let alone under such serious circumstances. What is wrong with me?
She thought a lot about what he’d said to her about enjoying her sexuality and not spending her life missing out on good sex in order to appease her mother or the church. She was starting to think he was right. Why was it so bad to derive pleasure from sex? It certainly wasn’t a commandment.
Surely, God wouldn’t have made it enjoyable if he didn’t intend for people to enjoy it. Why had everyone in her world made her feel like sex was something that shouldn’t be discussed or enjoyed or even practiced outside of marriage?
Shadow in the Desert (Shadow SEALs) Page 13
